4) 17th Sunday in Ordinary Time, July 24, 2005
Monday, July 18, 2005.
Today I was still feeling sick, cold, flu and headache but I still could endure this day as usual with daily activities such as rising up in the morning, taking shower and praying Laud with the brothers and taking breakfast. At 8 a.m. at the CPE program we had morning devotion by Beth and continued with morning report by Linda. Dirk presented his theological reflection, on Jesus’ healing, followed by video of Walter Brueggemann about Moses, the Mouthpiece of God in Deuteronomy 8. Before taking lunch at 12.20 p.m., I was reading new Cross+Roads of the Xaverian Missionaries in the USA on the Internet. Starting at the chapel and taking a pic (a container of the holy host, the Body of Christ) at the chapel and praying for a while, I did some clinical visits, about 17 patients at 6 West and 3 West. At a quarter to four in the afternoon, I went down at the conference room to take part of ice cream day in which the Alexian Brothers celebrate the Mission Day during this week. All employees were invited to take ice cream but unfortunately not all came to participate, that perhaps not informed widely. I visited one Hispanic lady who only speaks Spanish and fortunately there were two other family members who speak English. I used Spanish prayer in giving communion. One 90 years old man whom I did initial visit, was very kind to me. His face is not like 90’s but looks younger, perhaps 60’s. He welcomed me to sit on a chair before him. He’s an Italian descent who was born in Chicago in 1915. He told me many things and enthusiastically inviting me to tell my story. He appreciated my presence and I learned a lot of his life that I suppose it could be my Verbatim for next time. At 4.30 p.m. I returned to my room at the Brothers’ house, took a rest for a while and at 5.30 p.m. attended Mass and had supper with the brothers. Returning home, my headache was stronger than this morning, so I tried to be calm down and rested. At 8.45 p.m. I felt better and typed this journal then went to bed soon.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005.
Waking up in the morning I felt better than yesterday evening. Morning prayer, breakfast, morning devotion and morning report at CPE were the routine activities I participated today. We started our day with clinical visit for almost one hour then returned to the trailer 2 to have discussion about theological reflection presented by Eric. At 11.30 a.m. to 12.30 p.m. we had education talk given by Michael who works at ABMC in marketing. He talked about his experience being a pastor in a Protestant Church and how he ended up at ABMC. It’s interesting topic that I could learn of it, such as some messages he uttered: “Don’t ever date a parishioner,” we should be aware of our limit as a chaplain/pastor, 10% like me-10% don’t like me-80% don’t care of me, we should hold values, morality and compassionate/listening, we should not think always linear either Right or Wrong only but also circle thinking, for instance the opposite of love is apathy but in the middle there are hate that is close to love.”
I got e-mail this morning from a Xaverian priest who works in Japan for 2.5 years Giovanni D’Elia whom I met in Rome in November 2002. He answered my question of his experience being in Japan and I’m so glad that he has written two pages in his sharing widely. Actually, I have sent him my e-mail a couple of months ago and he nicely replied that he would answer later since he’s very busy at that time. In brief, he encourages me to continue my dream to proceed my eagerness to go there and don’t worry about language and culture; it takes time and perseverance and he gave me some other Asian missionaries from other congregations such as the Philippines who are doing well in Japan. At the end of his letter he recommends me to ask other question if I need clarification and he wrote, “I hope to see you along these shores one day.” So far I have correspondence with four Xaverians in Japan, namely, Renato, Flavio Besco, Ernesto and Giovanni. I have one Indonesian classmate Jesuit who studies theology there, named Anton Sihombing and at least I have kept the address of one diocesan priest from Japan who studied at CTU, named Naoki so that in due time with God’s will I may meet them. I have dream but just give it up to God’s plan.
In the clinical visit after lunch today, I was not that busy as usual because some patients have discharged and there were some new patients admitted and some beds empty. Because of this mobility, I made a mistake when I called a name of patient and she corrected me. It means that the previous patient only stayed one day or one night then this new patient came afterward. It can happen easily if I visit in the afternoon because in the morning I have attended the class. There is nothing special today about the patients whom I visited so I don’t write my experience of them. In the afternoon, I attended the Mass presided by Father Andrew then continued with supper with the brothers and this time we only occupied one table because other brothers went to some events. I was given responsibility to take care of Brother Felix to push his wheelchair to the cafeteria and returned home. It’s my pleasure to participate in the community life of the brothers especially helping out the older brothers who need help. I’m teasing him to pray for me so that one day as my dream I would be assigned to Japan and I would send good news if it will happen. That means his prayer for me is powerful, said Brother Zeke. In the evening I felt much better than this morning and before, so I have strength to type this journal and plan my other paper. I replied the e-mail of Father Rocco, my rector at Hyde Park who just came back from his vacation. Thank you Father Rocco for your concern of my English that needs to be corrected grammatically and welcome to my CPE whenever you and others are ready to visit me here.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005.
In the morning prayer at the brothers’ chapel today, Brother Eugene as usual mentioned some Alexian Brothers who have death anniversary today. Most of them are Germany who lived in 1500’s up to 1900’s. Brother Eugene is an Italian descent (74 years old), who invites me on August 29 to see Saint Alexian Medical Center at Hoffman, another hospital belongs to the Alexian Brothers, not far from here. I have been there but not having orientation of the hospital. He told me that many things I should know about the service of the Alexian Brothers, because here at ABMC in the spiritual care is just one side, there are still many things that good to know while I’m still here. Today I had morning class of CPE: theological reflection by Annie, discussion on the Living Reminder of Henry Nouwen by Dirk then at 12 noon, we had prayer service at Rotunda of the hospital for 15 minutes as we celebrate the Mission week of Alexian Brothers. Four of us took picture as a CPE summer group at the chapel in which Dirk took pictures of us. At 12.30 p.m. I had lunch and at 1 p.m. we continued our discussion on Henry Nouwen’s book, chapter 2 until at 2p.m. It was raining heavily but stopped soon. I did clinical visits at 6 West, about 15 patients. For the second time I did visit to a 48 years old lady who yesterday was diagnosed possibly schlerosis on her liver but today she is very glad that it doesn’t happen. I spent about 30 minutes with her for her concern of Catholicism that she considers has the truth. She was raised and born as Catholic but for a while she’s away from Catholic Church and searching other truth such as Yehova Witness but lately she returned again to Catholic Church. I shared what I have experienced as a Catholic and after she received communion, she asked me to come back again tomorrow to visit her. Two elderly couples I met today in my visits that I admired them for their faithfulness to their spouses. They have celebrated 50 years marriage. It’s interesting to see elderly couples who have this faithfulness value in their marriage life while at these days many young couple have divorces even a couple of times. One 79 years old lady I visited today, she said that it’s been 3 years she doesn’t eat something from her mouth because her stomach was taken away due to her cancer and tomorrow she has heart surgery. She gets nutrition from liquid stuff through tubes to her body. She said that she only drinks water but little by little and can’t receive communion. Her communion is spiritual communion. She asked me to pray for her and her surgery tomorrow. One Jewish lady whom I visited today appreciated to my visit. Regardless of her religion, as a chaplain, it’s my duty to pray for her as a patient in my unit. One lady asked me prayer before she has surgery this evening. One patient said honestly as I offered my visit to him that he doesn’t need visit. I left him alone with my best wish to him and I appreciate his choice. I concluded my visits at 4.20 p.m. and returned to the trailer the to the house of the Alexian Brothers. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass and supper with the brothers and this time the three tables were full. Eric, my classmate is on-call today. Coming back home, I spent some time hanging out at the garden with Brothers Zeke, Ronald, Dan and Victor. At 8 p.m. in my room I got a phone from Tante Lely in Buffalo Grove that she leaves for Jakarta tomorrow. I rested for a while then type this journal.
Thursday, July 21, 2005.
At CPE program, I presented my theological reflection on Luke 17:11-19. At 10 to 11 a.m. I was attending a round at my primary unit, 6 West, a kind of meeting with nurses talking about the patients. At 11 to 12 p.m. we continued our CPE class. At noon we had lunch and I had personal conference with my supervisor Digna at 1 p.m. for an hour. At 2 p.m. I did clinical visits at 6 West and 3 West, about 15 patients. Actually at 7 a.m. I did visit a patient at 6 West to fulfill my promise to her yesterday that before she discharge, I am going to visit her. As I said the prayer before communion, she tore emotionally and took napkin to wipe her eyes. She felt good after she got my visit. It’s not my first time seeing patient has emotional experience when I say the prayer spontaneously with my own word and heart. More and more I have confidence to utter my own word in prayer in their special situation of the patient. I try my best to say the prayer that come up of my heart not mechanical prayer as I used to have. Sometimes I realize that I am lost what words for next and bit awkward grammatically, but I just surrender to the insight of my heart, mind and due situation because I believe that the prayer is not a matter of beautiful words but the spirit inside of us who pray with us. I don’t know how to pray but with the prayer and help of the Holy Spirit, I can feel it to meet the need of patient. In my visits this afternoon, I was impressed by a patient man who likes to talk a lot and felt good in spirit even though not belong to a certain church seriously. He promised to pray for me so that I could go to Japan as I dream in the future as a missionary. One lady who was just diagnosed having ovarium cancer and then the result of the test “NO” asked me again to come back tomorrow since she was with her daughter when I visited her. What makes me remain enthusiastically doing my visit is that there are some patients really appreciate my presence despite some patients who don’t care of my visit even deny honestly that they don’t need chaplain. I am really enriched by meeting very diverse persons in this CPE and I try to be mindful and remember them in my memory and prayer. In the afternoon, I couldn’t open and access to the Internet again because the computer system requires password. I tried as well at the brothers’ house but it didn’t work, I need password. Hopefully tomorrow or next time, I will be able to access it so that I still can share this journal and keep in touch with my pen pals.
Once again I got asleep at my room after finishing my clinical day and I got up exactly at the time of Mass, at 5.30 p.m. then directly I went to the hospital chapel. It often times happen in my experience at the CPE. It seems that I have sub consciousness to woke-up at certain time and it looks like there is an angel who whispers on my ear and spirit I should go to the chapel. After having supper, I was at the TV room with Brother Jim Darby watching news. At 9 p.m. I went to my room and recollected my mind and reflected on this day’s experience then typed it on this media.
Friday, July 22, 2005.
Today the office of spiritual care moved to the Roncoli Center, near the Brothers’ house. For 24 hours I did my duty on-call chaplain till tomorrow at 8 a.m. I did clinical visit as usual. Today I didn’t have many patients to visit so I could take a rest for a while at the chaplain’s room at the 5th floor. This time I was lucky that I didn’t get page of patients, so I could sleep well this night, even I could read and summarize a book of Nouwen for next week presentation and discussion.
Yesterday, when I opened my e-mail, I read that one of my pen pals in Jakarta, named Juli, a choicer, printed out my last journal in 20 pages paper and she just read a half of it. I don’t expect much to my pen pals to do this but when I know this thing, I am glad to know that others could have advantage to know my sharing. It’s my intention to do fervently my weekly journal so that others also can be learning of my experiences and at the same time of course I am ready to learn of others’ ones. I aware of others not always like to read my stories, so I can understand them. So, I’m sorry if it bothers some of you. Just let me know if you won’t receive it, so I can delete it. This reality reminds me on one lesson given at my CPE education that in our ministry, normally, 10% will be happy and agree with me, 10% will be against us, and 80% don’t care. I guess it is pretty much happen in my experience sharing my weekly journal.
Saturday, July 23, 2005.
At 5.15 a.m. I woke up. I went to the Roncoli Center to check mail voice on the phone and there’s one message that I followed up after I had breakfast at 6.30 a.m. at the cafeteria. As the message requires I visited a patient at 5th floor. I passed my on-call duty to Dirk at the chapel at 8.30 a.m. while Annie also came to help other chaplains. I went home, took a shower, did laundry and went to public library at Elk Grove Village. It is about 12 minutes walking distance from the Brothers’ house. I printed my photos at Walgreens and shared to some brothers. I could use Internet at the public library. I was amazed by the collection of audio-visual media that this library offered. There are a lot of videocassettes, DVD, CD and foreign language media. Since I don’t have access to Internet at the ABMC anymore, so I use Internet at this public library. Maybe I come on Sunday afternoon to post my weekly journal or in the middle of week to check my yahoo e-mail. After came back to the house, I was watching a video entitled Possessed with Brother Ronald. This is a true story that happened at Alexian Brothers hospital in Saint Louis maybe in 1950’s. The brothers said that this movie has many things that actually not happened in reality. They produced the movie to make money so that why they add many spectacular things. It influences to the image of society to the Alexian Hospital that unfortunately sometimes becoming absurd. I took a nap for a while then joined the evening prayer with the brothers at 5 p.m. Once again, I was sleeping too long and exactly at 5 p.m. I could wake up and directly went to the chapel in which the hymn of the evening prayer was sung. It seems to me that my sub-consciousness reminds all the time to be mindful of the timetable I should be aware and obey. At the cafeteria, I had supper with some brothers: Victor, Ronald and Val. In the evening I was watching TV with brothers: Ronald, Philip and Victor until at 10 p.m. I was very lazy to do my paper this evening for next week and I needed some relax time, so I just killed the time by watching TV with the brothers. Once in a while I think is fine to enjoy my life here especially at the weekend.
Sunday, July 24, 2005.
I woke up at 7 a.m., took shower, prayed personally at the chapel and went to a Catholic Church across the hospital, named Saint Julian Eymard. I attended the Mass at 8.30 a.m. and many people, mostly elderly, came to the Church. It’s not a big church but they have four Masses on Sunday and one on Saturday. Today, they have picnic on the field of the Church. Coming back at the brothers’ house, I was typing this journal and my paper for next week.
At 1 p.m. I was strolling toward Elk Grove Public library and the temperature is very hot, about 98 Fahrenheit Degrees. I am sending this weekly journal through the Internet at this library.
Denny Wahyudi (25 July 2005)
Weekly Reflection (WEEK VII, from 18 July to 22 July 2005)
In this weekly reflection, I have some topics that I share here. They are event of moving, no more access to Internet, and exploration to other sites and facilities.
Now, I am starting with the moving of our spiritual department care to the Roncoli Center. The event of moving is not seldom in my entire life. When I was living with my parents, apparently, I counted I had moved about 10 times from one house to others, from one city to another city. It becomes more with my way of life in the vocation becoming a Xaverian Missionary that requires me to move from one formation house to others. I have experienced living in four formation houses in two countries and I don’t know still how many houses I am going to stay as a missionary in my life. The houses I used to live, the people and acquaintances I used to meet and the environment I used to know familiarly, are stick on my memory. Even, my schools since kindergarten to High School in Indonesia, I visited them when I went home. They are all giving me colors to my life until now. I would never forget my history.
The event of moving to the Roncoli Center for me as a part of spiritual department care is very different to my moving experience I have so far. I feel that I don’t have any influenced feeling, hard working and planning with this moving. I didn’t need to lift the boxes to the new places, I didn’t need to be anxious about my new site because everything is already planned and organized. I feel I don’t belong to this place. I just come for a while, even four more weeks to stay here to finish my CPE summer unit. I don’t have anything to claim for long time here. So, the moving of this time is not that impacting my deep feeling as I have experienced on my other moving. Even though like so, in my reflection, I think the moving experience is a basic experience of human being both for a short time and longer time. There is no fixed place that I can occupy in my life in the world, unless I die and will be buried in a permanent land. My body is always moving from one to other sites. My mind, thinking, heart and spirit, I guess, are also moving periodically and incessantly that most of the time I couldn’t control them. My mind and thinking are like a monkey whose habit jumping and moving all the times from one place to others. My mind is always searching that I like mostly or worry or anxious about many things in my life here and there, now and the past and the future. My heart never finish to gain peace until I rest in God, like Saint Augustine said, may my heart will fervently search for God and God’s will that make me peace (maybe for a while because I have tendency to choose and walk with my own way, afar from Gods’).
The second thing is about access to Internet. Since last Thursday, I don’t have access to Internet any longer both at ABMC and the brothers’ community because there is a new system that requires username and password to enter it. I have asked somebody and she told me that as a CPE summer student, I am not given this facility. Before this, I could access Internet easily. For me, it’s not that seriously making me down or disappointed. I just easily agree and accept on the rule of ABMC. Since I live in the rapid information technology that I ought to catch up, so I decide to see other place that I can access to Internet. It is public library at Elk Grove Village, about 12-15 minutes walking distance from the brothers’ house. Last Saturday, I went to this place and I got news from my rector in Chicago that the youngest brother of my Xaverian confrere, Jacques Bahati from R.D. Congo died. Maybe it’s not that influences a lot in my end, but I believe that if I know it quickly, I could send my condolences to my confrere, Jacques through e-mail as soon as possible. How about if the information is very important regards anything about my own family or confreres, or maybe about a matter of death and life? Fortunately, I was not that late and I sent my condolences directly to him through Internet at the public facility, the public library, near the hospital. I don’t blame anyone at this case, but I think my nature to explore other possibilities that I need is being practiced at this moment. Maybe I have addiction to Internet but actually I use this tool to reach out others in supportive and positive way (maybe it’s my defense mechanism). The positive point with this situation is that I would not quite often open Internet like I used to do, probably, I will check it twice a week at the public library while I am here at the CPE program. I am aware of my habit to open Internet many times a day if there is Internet access available. I have tried to open once a day but I always failed to do it. So, I guess with this condition and situation, I can exercise my will to use Internet properly and not to be addictive on it. Probably, the four weeks ahead while I am staying at the Alexian Brothers house, I will go to the public library twice, in the middle of the week and on Sunday afternoon to post my weekly journal. In this event, I can draw an important lesson, not to stick on the technology but always to be aware that all of technological gadgets are just tools that help me easily. The most important is how do I use it appropriately and not to attach on it. When there is possibility, I may use it, but if there is none, I ought not to feel frustrated.
The third one is about exploration to other place and facility. I have been living at ABMC for seven weeks and I feel that I don’t know much about my environment because my CPE program is very tight that I have to do my paper and reflection beside make adjustment to the brothers’ community life. This weekend I could explore more about the things I have not experienced yet, such as going to the public library, stores and going to the Mass at the church across the street, Saint Julian Eymard. I did it on this Sunday morning at 8.30 a.m. Actually, I had this idea to go to the Mass of this church a couple of weeks ago. I got the information of the Mass schedules from a directory book at the Spiritual Care office and I noted and kept it in my mind. What lesson I could learn of it? When my life is very comfortable, everything is available here and I don’t need anything else, I will live sufficiently (narcissism) without knowing my outside things. Why should I go outside of me if I can live peacefully and comfortably with what I have now? I have this tendency and I guess most people are having the same thing. We are comfortable with our own pattern and safe spot. If things are changed, we’ll be disappointed and miss old things. I guess changes and things can happen that we never imagine can challenge us in positive ways or destructive ways. They keep us awake and use our creativity to explore more and more using our capacity as human beings and grace that God has given us tremendously such us free will, brain, senses, intuitions, imaginations, and whatever other positive ‘tions’ in our life. I am wondered about myself that sometimes I could live peacefully when I have to stay in one place without going to any other places and sometimes I enjoy to go to other places, explore many things that I never knew. Apparently, I can live in dual tendencies both establishment/routine life and unexpected experiences. The flexibility is one word I can apply at this point. Referring to my entire life experience that I always have nature to move all the time and I have to be settled with my way of life as missionary religious. My task is how I unite these ideas in my life, my whole life that sometimes requires to calm down, step back in peace with what I have, do and am being, and pursue what I suppose to be, to do and to have in better ways.
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