3rd letter of July 2005

3) 16th Sunday in Ordinary Time, July 17, 2005

Monday, July 11, 2005.
Morning routine activities I have done today from arise and take shower at 5.20 a.m. then morning prayer at 6.15 a.m., breakfast. I called up to my oldest sister, Yenny in Ponorogo-Indonesia and she told me many things especially the planning of my youngest brother to do engagement next August 6. Before starting the CPE, I made photocopy of my second Verbatim that I will share here at the end of this journal. After morning devotion led by Sandy and morning report by Ken, we had presentation of Verbatim 2 from Eric then myself. For one hour and a quarter, we had meeting of the group with both of our supervisors to clarify one unfinished problem that we postponed last week. Thanks God for the open hearted of us and we hope that it will continue to be better in our relationship among others in this group. I had supper at the late time, about 1 p.m. together with my colleague, Annie at the cafeteria. Soon after ate the lunch, I came to the chapel to pray a while and took the host/communion for the patient. I visited 6 West and 3 West. There were about 20 patients on my list that I have to visit today. After having break of last weekend, I saw some patients at 6 West has discharged and there are some new patients. I met for some times a young Latino lady who has been here since 8 days ago. Before I gave her communion, she told many stories about her life and once in a while crying saying, "I don’t know what I should do." Having heard of her problem, I also didn’t know how to answer but I was being present with her in her situation and trying to be compassionate and good listener as I sit down in front of her and listening to her attentively. She explored her feeling being neglected by her family, her divorced husband and her cancer sickness. I guess it could be a good memory to write down in my third Verbatim for next week. Some patients accepted my visit and some others didn’t want my visit and it’s normal as usual. For some times I visited an 89 year-old lady who likes visit of chaplain and holding my hand asking prayer before she went to surgery. She complimented my speaking of English comparing to other foreigner employees who work at this hospital. She can understand easily my saying and asking how long I have been living in the USA and I said almost three years. She is from Scotland who came to the USA when she was 7 years old. She told me that her mom who is Scottish had accent and she becomes an American accent speaking because she moved her in her childhood. She’s not a Catholic fellow but she likes the visit of chaplain in daily basis. She’s a kind of hospitable, bit grumpy and funny lady as I visit her daily and always she holds my hand asking prayer while she lies on the bed and shuts her eyes. She told me that her father didn’t allow her to marry a Catholic fellow and she as a Methodist fellow will not pray with Catholic fellows. I convinced her that I am a Catholic who pray with others regardless their church or religion. I always have enthusiasm to visit this lady because she always accepts my presence and asks special intention to pray for. She appreciates my spontaneous prayer as I practice what her needs on the due time. I actually can make one verbatim about this experience, but I will see next time. I still had time to visit two patients at 3 West in which Deacon Dave gave me today two patients. I did one initial visit to a Presbyterian Afro-American lady who is a teacher of Junior High School. She accepted me nicely and was very happy knowing that we’re offering 24-hour on call chaplain if she needs spiritual needs or companion. Another lady at this unit, I gave her communion and while I was giving her communion, she was crying and her daughter was present with her as well. At the end she asked the prayer card that I prayed for her before the communion. From 4 p.m. to 4.50 p.m. at the 6th floor I had meeting with the nurse director of this floor, Nannete and Edi together with my supervisor, Jim, as well as my colleague Dirk and Sandy. We talked about the role, expectation and relationship between us as chaplains at this unit with the nursing department. My partner, Nannete is very kind to me and she explained me when there is something I need to know. Taking a break for a while after today’s work, I drank ice tea at the cafeteria and sit with a cashier named Antonio who is originally from Bari-Italy. I told her that my formator in Indonesia named Father Nicola Macina, sx also from Bari. She has been working at the Alexian Brothers for 5 years and she enjoys here because many people are very kind and generous. I am glad for this mutual conversation with her. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the evening prayer and Mass led by Father Bill then had supper as usual at 6 p.m. Coming back home, I did put together some pictures for the mid-evaluation of CPE program for Wednesday. I am glad that I could finish this job and tomorrow I will write 5 page of this evaluation.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005.
In the morning devotion, we were just few people attending it maybe because of the weather was cloudy and raining so some of us came late. In the class of CPE, there were two Verbatims presented by Dirk and Annie and discussed together with our supervisor, Digna. In the beginning, Digna explained about the form of Power of Attorney that would be our responsibility as a chaplain if patient requires it. At 11 a.m. all of us gathered at corporate office to have staff meeting. Beth led it and talked about ‘suicide’ topic. Actually, I was sleepy at this meeting but after I heard about the topic that Digna said, namely, a patient could be asking to die soon or to get well soon, then I remembered my experience yesterday visiting a patient who asked me to pray so that Lord Jesus will open the door if she knocks the door. I was amazed to hear this patient’s intention and clarified what’s the meaning of knocking the door then I prayed it with intention that she will get better soon and in her 89 years old she would have last years of life journey in peaceful way toward eternal life with God and Jesus, our Lord if God will call her on the due time. So, implicitly I didn’t use a term of die or asking of the patient would die soon but asking God to know his will for the patient at this moment and keep her in a good spirit of this life as a gift plus pray for peaceful death when God will it. It reminds me to a prayer of the founder of the Xaverian Missionaries who said that we should pray for the perseverance while we’re living in this world and pray for our happiness death toward God.
I had lunch with Brother John and Annie. At 1.30 p.m. I did my clinical visit to 6 West and 3 West. I visited some 14 patients but not all were available. There was one Hindu-Indian patient who doesn’t speak English and her husband told me that he doesn’t speak English as well. So, I visited them with my presence and warm greeting, smile and touching their hands. Some ladies whom I visited were taken care of their daughters. I just wondered to see their ages. The daughters are about 60’s with gray hair and their mother in nearly 90’s. I try to distinguish their oldness and I could see the differences. The patients have more wrinkles and look much older than their daughters even though all of them have gray hair. To see myself before them, I am in the third generation after them. Today, I was bit tired and dizzy, so after finishing my visit, I took a rest at the cafeteria with drinking ice tea and ate a slice of chocolate cake. After spending time at the trailer till 4.35 p.m. I went home to take a rest little while. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass and supper at 6 p.m. The rest of the day I was at my room typing my mid-unit evaluation (4 pages) for tomorrow and this journal while the weather is little bit cool also because of the Air Conditioner of my room is on once in a while.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005.
After the morning prayer and breakfast with the brothers, I called up to Jakarta, wanted to talk to two Indonesian Xaverian students who will go soon to Italy but there were not at the house of philosophy. Instead I could talk to Utomo, my classmate who is taking vacation now in Indonesia. He’s the one who was supposed to come to the USA with me three years ago but he ended up in Italy for his theology studies because of the difficulty of getting visa on the due time. Actually, he got the visa but it’s just late. I’m glad that he’ll finish soon his theology studies in Parma, as he said only one more subject and thesis but he will take some other courses to fit his 2 more years in the Xaverian formation in Italy. In the morning devotion, Dirk led the prayer and morning report by Path. Today with our supervisors, Digna and James, we have evaluation of mid-term CPE summer unit. Eric shared his own reflection and evaluation to the group. He uses metaphor of meat beef that each one of us was given one picture and he explained its meanings. I did mine with some pictures and acronym of our names I got from the Internet. I shared my reflection of this mid-term evaluation at this journal as well (look at the below of this journal). We had lunch together with the group, four of us at the cafeteria. It means that there is a renewal and resolution of our cohesiveness as group. I did some 14 visits to my primary unit, 6 West. There were some patients have discharged before I saw them and some new patients that were not on my list. It’s kind of high mobility on this day. One patient who has been here since July 3, today she discharged and picked up by her spouse. She’s a young Latino lady who shared many stories of her life’s journey to me and I visited her in daily basis listening to her grievance and providing communion and support to her. There was one patient from Brazil whom I visited talked many things to me. He was on the machine of dialysis while her wife was with him at the room. They were all talkative telling many stories. Her wife who is from Bolivia was very grateful receiving communion from me. I appreciate their activeness in engaging conversation. It gave me a consolation this day that I perceived as a bit dry day because of high mobility of patients whom I missed and not knowing the new patients. Some old patient-ladies whom I did initial visit were very nice accepting me and devoutly receiving the communion they require. One patient was snoring so loudly in the afternoon as I visited a Jewish patient at the same room. One 93 year-old Philippines lady was receiving communion from me. She was with her daughter that looks like Chinese descent. One Polish descent lady whom I visited told me her stories of her family and she still remembers how to speak Polish. I mention one word in Polish, "Jin Dobre" that means "Good morning," she was glad to know it, even a Polish nurse was joking called me a Polish man. That’s all I know one word in Polish that I know it from Ray, an old fellow who likes to help out our Xaverian confreres in Milwaukee. The rest of the afternoon I enjoyed a bottle of ice tea. Hearing conversation of Linda and Annie at the trailer about this coming Sunday on-call, I offered myself to offer some vacuum hours between 8 a.m. to 11.30 a.m. because one of them has to do minister at her church. To see that I don’t have plan on Sunday and I always am around here, so with my pleasure I help them to resolve their problem. That’s no problem at all for me and it’s my pleasure to help them. Coming back to my room, I called up Harno in Philadelphia but he’s not around and I had talked to Mildred/Milly and Ruthy and Sister Lory (a Philippine) whom I know them through my live-in at St. Thomas Aquinas parish last year. It’s good to hear their voices again. After the Mass and supper in the evening, I attended a unit meeting of nurse at my primary unit, 6 West. I was introduced by the secretary unit, Nanette, to some other nurses whom I have known by faces and some by names as well. At 8.30 p.m. I went back to the house and had small talk with Brother Zeke who is now having his training as a nurse at day surgery at Saint Alexius Medical Center. After resting for a while, I was typing this journal.

Thursday, July 14, 2005.
At the CPE program, two of my classmates presented their mid-term evaluation. So, we’re done with mid evaluation. We’re looking forward our final evaluation in next 5 weeks. I had lunch together with Dirk who has birthday today (27) then I moved my stuff into the 5th floor, at the chaplain’s room because today I have on-call duty as a chaplain. I did visit about 19 patients including 9 initial visits and some communion. I was little bit tired because I did visit till 5.15 p.m. then at 5.30 a.m. I attended the Mass and had supper with the brothers at 6 p.m. After having supper, I went to the trailer to check of the phone mail voice. I got one message then visited one patient at 6 West and gave her communion. I walked around at ER, CCU, ICU, Hospice and Day Surgery. At Day Surgery I met the charge nurse named Florian who is a Philippines and Mila from the Philippines as well. I talked to Carolyn who is a summer nurse at this unit. At least I know more people at this hospital. I did walk around at all floors. At 9.30 p.m. I got a page from Hospice. I prayed with the family whose a 60 years old lady was dying. I said prayer of commendation of the dying. I did charting and stayed for a while with the family at the patient’s room then I left and inspected 6 West unit. I returned to my room and typed this journal. In my visit today at 6 West, I prayed in Spanish with a Latino patient who required communion and she only speaks Spanish. One old lady who is from Calabria, Italy, I prayed with her in Italian language. I have prepared both languages in case I meet those patient speakers. I prayed for a young man who would have surgery and he appreciated very much my visit. Two new patients whom I visited discharged today. Those are some stories of my visits today. I am bit of tired now and I like to go to bed at 11 p.m.

Friday, July 15, 2005.
After restfully sleeping for about 2.5 hours, I got a page at 1.37 a.m. from Hospice unit, the same patient whom I have prayed at 9.30 p.m. I came directly answering the requirement of the family who were mourning, waiting for the patient’s last moment. I saw the patient’s son was holding left hand of the patient and her left hand held a rosary. I was puzzled not knowing what to do at this time because I did prayer the commendation of the dying a couple of hours ago. After a while, I invited the family gathered around the patient. There were about over than 7 people at the room. I invited them to pray ‘Hail Mary’ prayer but only me who recited it incessantly. I stood closer to the patient and continued to pray ‘Hail Mary’ in English. The last breath of the patient was hardly appeared on her neck toward her mouth that was opened as well as her eyes facing her son who held her left hand. I pray the Hail Mary again and again, remembering my catechumen teacher, Sister Magdalena Isnani, MC in my hometown, Madiun that there was a lady who was in dying the family prayed rosary especially with the prayer of Hail Mary, "…and that the hour of our death. Amen." Remembering on this experience when I was 15 years old as a catechumen, I did pray this prayer for almost one hour. I was doubt in the middle of the prayer because the breath of the patient was still working. My voice was slowing down and my throat bit drying, but I still prayed this prayer with one hope that I served the prayer at my best, accompanying and commending the patient in the hand of God through our Catholic faith. Some of family members were tearing down and some of them left the room, after such a long time waiting for the patient at the last minute but not came yet. Finally, after almost one hour I prayed the Hail Mary, the nurse came in and took away the perspiration tube and gradually the breath of the patient stopped. I paid attention to her neck that still moving then finally her mouth closed slowly and her eyes shut completely. There was no more movement on her neck and her body…..and "this is the time of her death" some of the family members whom I guess as the children of the patient were very sad and mourned after she died forever.
Having experienced this, I remember all of my family members who died in the past from my mother in 1983, my grandmother (the mother of my mother) in 1987, my uncle (1991), and my grandmother (the mother of my father) in 1992, plus my experience at this CPE program prayed before expired patients, I could undergo this critical moment that requires faith, hope and strength. I say ‘strength’ because sometimes I feel during the prayer, I could resonate the mourning of the family who were crying. I could feel it in my heart and I believe if I don’t have enough strength, I could easily cry with them. I have one faith that this last event of somebody is not the last for her/himself but in faith I surrender to Godself that there is a hope in eternal life. I remember when my father told me and my other siblings to see my mother who just died at funeral home with one condition: ‘not crying.’ Apparently, it was stick on my mind that I would not cry in the funeral and it became reality. I didn’t cry in the funeral of my family members. It doesn’t mean that my other siblings who cried in my grandmother’s funeral were weak but it’s part of my own understanding and spirituality of one’s death. Even, I saw with my eyes through a small window of crematorium, the red-fire-burning coffin of my grandmother (the mother of my father) and on the following day I came to the place and touch the skull and her skeleton. I am not proud of my these experience because I didn’t cry, but I am trying to practice my own faith that the life of human being is just a moment and death is a reality of every one.
I never had experience accompanying a dying person toward his/her death and this experience enriches my perspective and feeling how to face one’s final moment. It seemed very hard to see hardly breathing of the patient witnessed by the family that took about 4 hours. One of the family members tried to console the patient’s daughter who was crying and saying that she would alive again. She was saying to her that she is not in pain anymore; she has died. For some people especially who have close relationship to the beloved one who died, are very difficult not to crying and sometimes hysterically screaming. It’s a process to accept a reality that shocks them. Not every one has the same feeling to receive reality that haunts and strikes them. It takes time in the process of our learning of this life. The more we older the more we see our closed friends, relatives, and neighbors died one-by-one leaving us alone in this world. Am I ready to look forward this reality till our own time comes?
After writing on the patient’s chart and filling out a deceased form, I returned to my room trying to sleep again because it’s still 3 o’clock in the morning. I could sleep about two hours and at 5.30 a.m. took shower then I came to the trailer 2 to write down my on-call day to the green book and answered voice mail phone. It requires a chaplain’s visit at my unit, 6 West. After I ate breakfast at 6.30 a.m., I did visit to the patient at 6 West. As I approached her, I smelt strongly alcohol and it’s true according to the diagnosis that she has alcoholic problem. I did visit and gave communion to some patients at this unit before I started the morning devotion and report at 8 a.m. at the trailer 2. I did lead the prayer and the report. I helped to pack some books of the CPE into some boxes because next week the department of spiritual care moves to corporate office, still at this hospital area. At 9 a.m. I continued my visit at 6 West, 5 West and 4 East. There were about 20 patients I visited including 6 new patients. I visited one Italian lady and gave her communion. I read for her a meditation of Our Father prayer in Italian language and she asked me the copy of this paper. I made copy and gave to her. I tried my best to read it in Italian style with my Indonesian-Javanese accent, for sure. I did visit one Mexican lady who only speaks Spanish and I said prayer in Spanish as well with giving communion, ‘el cuerpo de cristo.’ One Indian-Hindu lady whom I visited accepted me with her smile and I tried to comfort her with my presence without knowing her own language. She only speaks very little English but what made me happy is that she was smile at me as a sign of her acceptance and I believe it was help for her to get better soon. I guess smile is the international language that connects me to other foreigners who couldn’t utter same common word. Moreover, the language of heart, namely, love, the real love from our deep heart is a real language in our ministry in spite of our limitation of knowing other language, even if we know their languages sometimes it could be misunderstood. The verbal word and language are limited to accommodate our feeling and deep heart voice.
After finished all of my visits, I had lunch at the cafeteria then took a rest at my own room at the Brothers’ house till afternoon. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass and supper with the brothers. After reading newspaper, I was at my own room, calling up to Jakarta. I could talk to Nyoman, a Xaverian student who is appointed to Cameroon to study theology. He told me that on Saturday night, he would fly to Italy with Alfon and the Xaverian provincial, Father Vincenzo by Malaysian airline. I wished the best for them to initiate their ‘resurrection and Pentecost moment as missionaries’ in international milieu.
Since my health was not so good, I got cold and flu, so after took medicine, I slept easily.

Saturday, July 16, 2005.
Today I woke up little bit late because the Mass at the house chapel starts at 8 a.m. I felt my body was still sick; my neck was stiffened, bit cold and flu. After the Mass, Brother Philip invited me and Brother Victor to have breakfast at Baker Square, restaurant and pie. I had Baker Skillet. It is close to Mizuwa, a Japanese store I have visited last year with Theresia-Chris family and Steve-Monci family. At 11 a.m. we returned home and I was doing research on my CPE paper, theological reflection on Luke 17: 11-19, the healing of Jesus to the ten lepers. At 1 p.m. I went to bed to take a rest. At 2 p.m. I got a phone from Slamet in New York City and finally, Dharmawan was with him today. It’s a good new to me after trying to introduce Slamet to him since last month. I’m glad being a ‘matchmaker’…"the happiness is fulfilled if it is shared." Answering their phone, I felt my throat was drying and irritated.
After evening prayer/Vesper with the brothers at 5 p.m. we had dinner with the brothers, Jake’s pizza. At this moment, I gave acronym to some brothers’ name that made us laugh. After dinner, I stayed at my room, relax and watched some DVD’s till almost midnight.

Sunday, July 17, 2005.
I woke up in the morning at 6.30, took shower and prayed breviary personally at the chapel then went to the trailer. Afterward, Annie, my classmate who was on call last night came and invited me to visit a patient at CCU room. The patient was at Emergency Room last night. He is a 37 years old man who attempted suicide with going out of the running car with while his girlfriend was driving it on the road. I admired the way of my friend treated this patient: giving support, prayed, and calling up his family he needs to talk. At 8.30 a.m. we had breakfast at the cafeteria. At 9 a.m. I attended Sunday Mass at the hospital chapel presided by Father Andrew. Today is the feast of Saint Alexius, the patron of the Alexian Brothers Order. At this Mass we celebrated the renewal of vows two brothers, namely, Victor (originally from China) and Zeke (the Philippines). I took some pictures of this event with my digital camera. We continued our celebration with brunch at the brothers’ dining room. From 10.30 a.m. to 11.30 a.m. I did some clinical visits. I got a page from Post Partum Unit in which a baby was born prematurely, 20 weeks old and the parents asked prayer from me as a chaplain. As I entered the room with the nurse, I was amazed seeing a tiny baby with the mother accompanied by her husband as well. I said spontaneous prayer and concluded with Our Father. They don’t have any specific denomination church but they said Christians. It’s again my first time seeing a premature baby with my own eyes. The nurse said that the baby would not last longer, so in my prayer I commended the baby and the family to God’s compassion. At 11.30 a.m. I returned to the trailer and put the data of my clinical visits today at the computer system. At 11.40 a.m. Linda who is on-call today coming and I gave her keys, pager and band roll card. This morning I just helped the transition between chaplain on-call, Annie and Linda because Linda couldn’t come in the morning. I could handle a couple of hours and it’s a great experience for me, to see a premature baby for the first time in my life and prayed for them. I came out of the trailer and I felt the hot weather hit me, so hot and humid and immediately I entered the brothers’ community. I was watching EWTN TV with Brother Jim Darby then took a rest because I still had cold little bit. This morning I did to myself traditional healing, ‘kerokan’ because I was bit dizzy and my neck stiffened. At 2 p.m. I got a phone from Slamet in New York saying that Dharmawan just returned to Bronx, NYC after visiting him. I continued to rest and at 4 p.m. I typed this journal. At 5 p.m. we had evening prayer/Vesper and KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) dinner with the brothers at the community to celebrate the renewal of the vows of the two brothers this morning.

MID-UNIT EVALUATION CPE Summer Unit
Denny Wahyudi (July 13, 2005)

A. PEER RELATIONSHIP
1. Three strengths for myself: mindfulness of times, good will to make peace in a group, availability/flexibility to schedule and accept others.
2. Three growing areas for myself: courage to share my feeling, perseverance in writing journal and faithfulness in doing clinical program.
3. (Look at the pictures)

B. LEARNING GOALS
- Spiritual goal: to be a good listener and involve to other’s conversation. So far, I have tried to be attentive to the group dynamic in discussion as well as one-in-one conversation and contributed my thought and concern for the sake of others and the group. I didn’t talk many things in discussion but once in a while if I have insight I speak spontaneously. I still struggle to understand what others speak in terms of language and way of thinking. Therefore, I kept quiet and mindful to catch up the content of the conversation. If I know exactly what I am thinking, I will speak to the group eagerly but if sometimes I am still doubt to say it, I will process in formulating words while I am waiting for others speak first. Listening to and talking to in a group is learning process for me that I have to improve and in one-in-one conversation I have more courage to engage even though sometimes I don’t have many ideas in just talking. If I’m quiet, most likely I don’t have any idea to talk. I like to talk if I have something to talk, not because I have to talk in taking chance or turn. Listening to with my heart and mind is first step before I formulate in to words. I have a sort of weakness in talking spontaneously, most of the time I have to think first. Aware of myself, I try my best to be myself not others want to me. If others say that I am a quiet man, I don’t have any objection. I do confirm that’s I am. In my quietness I have mind and heart in pondering what’s going on to my environment. It’s not a defense but really affirmation to myself and I have willingness to improve my skill to communicate. I should do more reading on the books that I have chosen.
- Professional goal: to be able to practice new skills in visiting patients. I have tried my best to practice my learning to clinical visit to patients. With my own style I do this duty and little by little I have confidence to enter patient’s room and approach them. I don’t have much anxiety like I had in the beginning in doing this clinical visit. The encouragement and example of others draw me to do this job enthusiastically. One of my formators, namely, Father Victor, gave me insight that when we visit the patient, we meet Jesus himself that is very precious in front of us, regardless what treatment they return toward us. It’s very easy to remember happily if patient accepts me but in the opposite it would be very hard if one patient deny me. I have tried second or third times, even though a patient does not want my presence. But, easily, I feel and tempt to say: "no problem if you don’t accept me and it means it reduces my energy to visit and I can use my time to visit others." It is supposedly I am ready to accept whatever patient express their need, not my need to be accepted. I should try more and more not to put agenda and expectation in visiting a patient. The success of my clinical visit does not depend on the number of patients who accept me nicely, but on my disposition of heart and mind to do this visit faithfully regardless the result or acceptance.
- Personal goal: writing my daily journal as I experience the summer CPE unit. Actually, I have done daily journal in typing it on my floppy disk but after I am doing this CPE unit, I have more words to type on it. Sometimes I feel very lazy to write down my daily experience because I don’t see new things but most of the time I still keep up my daily journal and share them to my friends via e-mail beside my tiredness of the day. I should do this program more creatively.

C. GROUP
The group that I belong has dynamic life since beginning till now. I felt in the beginning the group was very engaging in discussion and spontaneous conversation. Every body wanted to know each other and learned the program day by day. We discussed a lot of things and contributed our experience, thoughts and wisdom until sometimes we defended our EGO so that others would accept us. It is very good to argue our thoughts but it is supposed to be humble accepting our own weakness and dare to apologize personally or to the group if one does a mistake. I am not used to argue and discuss bravely in a group so when I experienced others doing so, I had two feelings: I’m learning new things that I never had before and I admired of the capacity of my friends in doing so, but I also have feeling ‘fed up’ in the sense of wasting of time in discussing little thing that it could be good for other things that are more important. If I want to complain about the time, I have wasted a lot of time to be patient in a class only because of unfinished business of some members in the group. Honestly, as a person I am a conformist, so I can easily accept others’ weaknesses even though it cost my right as well. I believe in the reality of life, I face many various ups and downs to deal with others. I have learned of this group that conflict, all attempt to resolve it, transparency, resolution and most important to be humble accepting others openly and surrender our own will to God’s love that is forgiveness in deep down of our heart is a wonderful gift I can have in this group. I just want to remind one thing that every conflict not always can be resolved by discussing it instead by our personal change toward others. We can’t change others but we can change ourselves. Not always clarification and argumentation in the group will resolve the problem, but it takes time, patience, humility to acknowledge our weakness and being silent for a while then continue again to clarify thing if it is possible. If it is impossible after having tried all attempts, we should be silent and ask God’s wisdom and meet the problem in our silence and prayer. To pray for others whom I hate is very powerful in the process of healing of our own heart in order to get peace and change our own perspective toward them. Give up all of our attempts to God’s wisdom. I’m very glad that the resolution has been gained at this week and it seems to me that we continue our good will to improve and renew our cohesiveness of this group. I appreciate of the perseverance of the supervisors, Digna and Jim to help us clarify and resolve our problem in the group. Bravo………

D. PATIENTS/STAFF RELATIONSHIP
I have many examples in caring and visiting patients at my clinical visit. Most of the time I can identify some patients, especially elderly women to my own grandmother (the mother of my father). The warm acceptance of them to my presence is an affirmation to my role as a chaplain. I have been empowered by their behavior toward me especially that they expressed their feeling and told their hidden story that is secret and sacred in their life’s journey. It’s a privilege to visit them and to pray with them in their needs and moreover sharing the Body of Christ that I do for them is a realization of my role in my formation in the level as a acolyte that I have received a couple of months ago toward the missionary priesthood in two years. Even I could identify the story of patient to my own personal life that encourage and strengthen me to know more about myself. Even with a young patient, I could share my faith experience and she could open to me her critical problem in her family. Not only the patient who needs care of my visit but often times I accept care of them who appreciate my duty as a chaplain. I don’t deny their kindness to share and encourage my vocation instead I am proud of it and happy to accept their affirmation and support. I question myself if I couldn’t give any spiritual needs to the family or patients I visit. Sometimes they say, "No, thanks" or "I don’t need it" or "I’m fine, thank you." Even though I couldn’t give spiritual need to them because they are not willing to have it but my offering and presence to them in their mourning, is already a gift of myself to them. Being unhelpful to others who are mourning is sometimes distracted to my own feeling as a chaplain. On the other hand, my effectiveness as a chaplain is tested in those situations as well. If I couldn’t meet their need, I should still have courage to continue my journey to be a servant to others. I wonder to hear one’s experience, who was telling me that she and her husband quit to be a Eucharistic minister because they experienced some patients denied them harshly when they offered the Body of Christ. It’s a challenge to me as well that I should not break my heart and good will to continue my journey to a minister. Wasn’t Jesus himself also denied by others even though he offered good things? In dealing with some patients who speak other languages such as Italian and Spanish, I have tried my best to minister to them especially in giving communion using prayers of their language. With my own initiative I prepare the prayers that I have learned when I was in Indonesia. Some patients were very happy knowing that I could say prayer in their language even though I read it on my note.
My relationship to others in the unit (6 West) is generally fine. The nurse secretary, Nannete is welcomed to me as a chaplain and she has a good treatment to me. I would attend their meeting on this Wednesday, July 13 at 7.30 p.m. She approached me to inform the time and she knows me more about my staying with the Alexian Brothers so its’ manageable to attend their meeting at that time. With some nurses at this unit, I have pretty good relationship even though it is just a ‘hallo’ relationship but once in a while I have small talk to them. I know some names that I mention when I greet them. Some are nice to me and they know my name but some are busy with their own work without pay attention to my presence. So, generally, I could understand each one who has her/his own characteristic. It’s impossible to get along with all of them but at least I can relate to some of them in this specific and limited time, is reasonable and enough.
With the staff of pastoral care, I try to know them little by little by name and trying to engage in small conversation if it is possible. With Theresia, the secretary, I had some good conversation and I admire her who gives me attention and care when I had on-call duty. She likes to talk and tell many stories if I stop and have willingness to engage. It seems that I don’t have deep relationship to people here, but I try my best to obey what I suppose to be and do for instance with my full presence in daily morning devotion before the time and being attentive to what others say in the group meeting, is one way to relate to others in my best way.
Sitting with others during lunch and dinner is a good way as well to relate with others. I could friendly speak to some cashiers at the cafeteria whom I have common and meeting point such as I ask where they are coming from. One said that she is from Italy, so I have some meeting point to talk about it because my congregation is from Italy and one of my formators is from her city in Italy. Another one has similar name of Indonesian people that is from Sanskrit language, so I could relate to it. Some cashiers know that I am part of the Alexian Brothers and one of them asked my identity, what I am supposed to be called, chaplain or brother. On Saturday evening and Sunday evening I used to take food from the cafeteria with the Alexian Brothers, so I don’t pay but included with the brothers. Some people who attend the daily Mass were asking my identity as well that normally I explain I’m a seminarian who lives with the brothers during my CPE unit this summer. They are happy to know me. One old man who often meets me in the unit taking patient to other floor for test, remembers my name and I remember his name because I ever have experience eating together with him. When he meets me often times he greets me with mentioning my name and I remember his name as well, "Halo Roy." I admire the real example given by Brother Philip Kennedy who always hospitable when he meets others on the way. He gives me an insight to relate others even though I don’t have business to others. In addition, living together with the brothers during this CPE program, is really positive point that I never finish to be grateful of it. All brothers accept my presence among them with my own uniqueness, my quietness and my attentiveness plus warmness dealing to each one of them face-to-face. I remember their faces and their names. Their hospitality toward me is just marvelous and extraordinary that I ever have in my life living together with other religious congregation. This is a privilege once again for me and a great wonderful grace I have now at this special moment/kairos and special place. I appreciate all good witness they practice in daily lives and their perseverance in prayer, spirituality, fraternal charity and ministry. In their old age, they still have courage and spirit to live out their spiritual life and ministry to others.
All in all I appreciate the comment of many people who say that many good people at this place that keep them stay and remain here. It convinces my good impression to this place and many good works have been done by many good people in mutual partnership.

E. SUPERVISORY RELATIONSHIP
I have a good relationship with my supervisors. In the personal conference, I had affirmation from them in which I openly shared my personality and things that they should know to know more about myself at this program. I appreciate of their attentiveness toward myself in holistic way and challenge me with some questions that I need to answer clearly. The relationship of myself with them, I think it can be illustrated by two pictures I prepared. One picture that depicts a boy who is dragged by a boat in which the boat there were a man and a woman. It has meaning that I am behind my supervisors to obey and follow their instruction wherever they direct me to go. On the other picture, I am in front of the boat and the woman and the man are behind me. It means that I am included in my supervisors’ journey and they trust me to face my way to minister others. They support me from behind; they still stir, direct, care and evaluate my idea and paradigm toward better ministry to others. I put acronym both of my supervisors’ name, Digna and James that I intend not to be serious perceived by them in negative way, instead I just want to acknowledge them in my memory at least their names with their own uniqueness. May they take the good and positive things and just neglect the bad things. That’s all about my intention to put these acronyms that I put as well to my colleagues, even my own name.

MINISTRY REFLECTION FORMAT (VERBATIM)

I. DATA
CHAPLAIN NAME: DENNY WAHYUDI
MINISTRY REFLECTION: #2
DATE OF VISIT: July 5, 2005 DATE OF REPORT: July 11, 2005
PATIENT’S NAME (fictitious name): ANE
AGE/RACE/GENDER: 91/ITALIAN-AMERICAN/FEMALE
FAITH AFFILIATION: ROMAN CATHOLIC
MARITAL STATUS: WIDOW
NURSING UNIT: 6 WEST
TIME OF VISIT: 13.40 – 14.10
NUMBER OF TIMES VISITED THIS PERSON: 5 times (since June 22, 2005)
LENGTH OF VISIT: 30 minutes
INDICATE WHETHER VISIT IS WITH PATIENT/FAMILY MEMBER/STAFF: no
STAFF CONSULTATIONS: no
DIAGNOSIS: LOW BACK PAIN

II. REASON FOR PRESENTING THIS VISIT:
In my last visit to this patient, I had nice experience relating to her. She was very grateful to my presence and my attention to her for the last days. I was struck by her sharing that was very deep about her personal life when she was very young. She asked me three basic questions regard to her pain and sickness. She was crying a couple of times with her eyes became red and tore down and her soft voice uttered honestly to me while I tried to comfort her. I was full of surprised to her honesty and approach to me that was unusual. Normally, she felt painfully complaining her back but this last meeting with her, she was so fresh on her face and plainly telling her secret story that I believe she put in her own heart since her young age. There’s a similarity to my own story in the sense of becoming a middle child in a family, we bear painful experience, being neglected and so on. I was strengthened by her story and we encouraged each other in our support and prayer in the spirit. She’s just a lovely old grandmother that gives me consolation as a chaplain and as a person. Since it is still fresh in my mind and heart so I jotted it down directly in the same day, in the evening after the supper for my second Verbatim.

III. PREPARATION FOR VISIT/PREVIOUS VISITS:
As usual I prepare my open heart and mind to visit this patient. Since she’s on the communion list, so I was ready to give her communion and tried to see what other needs should I offer and she wanted at this special moment. Before I entered to her room, I was little bit sad with my own prejudice because usually this patient was complaining about her back pain and her voice was not that clearly I could understand. But, after meeting her and she was so nice accepting my visit and her face looked so fresh, I started to be happy and optimistic to approach her and ready to listened to her own deep feeling. I don’t really have a special plan for the visit, I just do as usual I do. Being open to whatever the patient needs in many ways.

IV. CLINICAL OBSERVATIONS:
- Focus on physical setting: She was on the first bed and she was just alone at her room. She sit at her chair and in front of her, there was a tray of her lunch that she didn’t finished up to eat. There’s no other chair at the room that I could sit on, so I lean my back once in a while on the other bed. She sit in the middle of the two beds at the room and I eventually knelt before her with putting my shoes to both of my knees to avoid the hardness of the floor. While in front of the door, we could see the desk of the nurse and people were passing by.
- Focus on the person: She looked so fresh, much brighter than I have ever seen. She looked very happy with my visit. There’s no more medical tube or other tools connected to her body. She was ready to discharge tomorrow but with staying first at the rehabilitation center cross the hospital. She was so optimistic to her life and missed a lot to her own apartment where she lives by herself. I believe that she felt grateful to my presence and my gesture, my patience and being a good listener in my last visit.

V. THE VISIT
C = Chaplain
P = Parishioner
N = Nurse
C1: Good afternoon, Ane, how are you today?
P1: I’m fine. How is your life?
C2: The life is beautiful. I’m fine. You look so fresh, today.
P2: Yes, I am. I am much better than usual. I am ready to go home tomorrow but I have to go to the rehabilitation.
C3: (I was standing before her and trying to find a chair but I couldn’t find one, then I bowed my body close to her and folded my legs). O, the rehabilitation center across this hospital?
P3: Yes.
C4: So, do you can walk now?
P4: Yes, little by little, but I am afraid that I will fall again. I can walk with the….(she pointed out a tool to help for walking which she and I didn’t know the name).
C5: (I felt painful on my leg as my position before her was not comfortable, but luckily there was one nurse stood in front of the door offering a can of drink, so I stood up, stretching my legs. Afterward, I had an idea to put my shoes as soft ‘pillow’ for my knees and knelt before her much comfortably). O, it’s great that you have started to walk. You don’t eat your food, you don’t like it? (I saw on the tray in front of her, salad still almost full, one piece of cookies and other food, plus one can of drink that she didn’t drink as well).
P5: (She just moved her head, as a sign, ‘NO’)
C6: I am very glad to see you improve a lot in your health. How was your celebration of the Independence Day yesterday?
P6: No, I don’t have independence since three years ago. I am sick, no more freedom.
C7: How about your family, are they coming to visit you?
P7: Yes, yesterday, they were coming here, my daughters and sons and my granddaughters. They are very nice and lovely to me.
C8: (I approached her and gaze upon her face as if I was ready to receive her intuition and deep feeling).
P8: Actually, I have three questions that I always think but I couldn’t answer them. First, I don’t know why I have to endure all of this pain and sickness. Second, I don’t know whether I have to accept of this sickness and the third I don’t know whether I deserve of this agony. I have tried to be a good person but often times….(the patient was crying with her eyes became red and suddenly stopped again).
C9: I tried to understand your situation and your feeling now. Indeed, the suffering that human beings have in the world is always mystery. Nobody can answer fully. But, through this suffering often times, we as human beings, eventually, could get the meaning of life itself, could get us closer to God.
P9: I always try to obey God, but I don’t know whether God knows it or not. I obey but I always get trouble. (Pause a moment)
C10: My grandmother before she passed away, she often times asked me basic and foundational questions like you ask to me now. She asked me, where are we going to be after we die? Why do we have to live in this world? Why do we have to suffer before we die? Those are basic questions that every human being sometimes in their life will find out the answer. Now, I try to be with you at this moment (I touch her shoulder and her hand softly). You’re a great grace of God to me and to your family.
P10: I’d like to say something that is from my deep down of my heart. Why I always try to be a good person, a good child in my family but my mother was not happy with me. She was kind of neglected me. She never talked to me. But, she talked to my older brother. I always did whatever she asked me to do, but she didn’t love me.
C11: How about your father?
P11: O, he’s very lovely person. I love him so much and he loved us and me. I took care of them before they died.
C12: How old was your mother when she passed away?
P12: She was about 60-year-old.
C13: I appreciate of your honest hidden story that you tell me now about your mother. Do you love your mother?
P13: Yes, of course, I love her so much even though she didn’t love me. (She’s crying again).
C14: O, Ane, you’re a wonderful child who give love, the best love to your parents in spite of her weaknesses. You’re a great example to me. I appreciate of your friendship and trust to me so you are eagerly telling your childhood story. How many siblings do you have and you’re number?
P14: I’m in the middle, number 4.
C15: (I start to connect myself to her story, being a middle child in a family, is always a painful one as I experience as well). O, I little bit understand now. I have similar story with you, Ane. Apparently, we have similar things in common. You’re a great person, who strengthens me as a middle child. Thank you Ane, for your story. I feel sometimes also like you as a middle child. What do you experience as a middle child?
P15: I was always neglected by others in my family.
C16: Exactly, that’s pretty the same with my own story. But, as a middle child, we always keep balance in our relationship to our siblings, right?
P16: Yes, I always try to be a good person and all of my sisters-in-law and my brothers are very kind to me.
C17: Yes, as a middle child we keep balance to others. We have such a duty and role at this place. We try to be closer to our older ones and closer to younger ones, right? (I was very happy and feeling ‘high’ being connected to this person. Pause a moment, then there was a phone ringing and she answered it. I remained kneel on my shoes for about two minutes. She talked to her sister-in-law in the phone and tried to cut her conversation because she had me in the room).
P17: She’s my sister-in-law who takes care of me. She’s a nice person.
C18: That’s wonderful, Ane. You are a lovely person in your family. With whom do you live?
P18: I live by myself at a condominium.
C19: So, I guess you have been missing a lot your own condo and your pillow and bed, right?
P19: Yes.
C20: Now, are you ready to receive communion, the Body of Christ?
P20: Sure, yes.
C21: Let us being silent in front of our God. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Most Gracious God, thank you for your special blessing that you have given to us, especially Ane, as a gift to me now. We ask you to continue bless Ane so that she can live her wonderful live in joy and peace in her mind, body and spirit. Nurture her, O God, with your loving kindness. We thank you for the similarity that we have in common as a middle child in our own family and we ask you to give us an open heart to always accept your will and way that are beautiful and unsurpassable in our life. We thank you for the wonderful example that you give in Ane to me with her personal story. Now, we ask you pardon for our weakness and sins before we receive you Body of Christ. Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy. Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, grant us peace. This is the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, happy are we who are called to this supper. Lord, I’m not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed. Ane, this is the body of Christ who gives you healing power in your mind, body and spirit. Amen. (Pause a moment).
Let us pray, O merciful God, thank you for your loving kindness that you have given to us especially the Body of Christ that Ane has received today. We ask you to nurture her in her spiritual journey and grant her special blessing that she needs in her healing process. We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.
Thank you, Ane. It’s been a wonderful meeting with you. When I see you in this moment, it’s like I see Jesus who suffered in agony and you have given strength to me.
P21: You’re a special grace that I ever have. I pray for you. You’re a wonderful person in my life (she was so compassionate toward me with her tenderness). I touch her hand and shoulder before I left her alone.
C22: I guess, it’s our last meeting, so I will meet you in my prayers, our prayers, in a spirit.
P22: I will meet you also in my heart. Good luck for you, you’ re a blessing to me that I am seldom to find out one like you.
C23: Good bye, Ane, thank you. Bye, take care.
P23: Bye, God bless you. (I left her with my feeling rather sad, but I’m happy with her inspiration to me to write this ‘aha’ moment in my clinical visit. I let it my feeling goes and continued my other visits).

VI. ANALYSIS OF YOUR MINISTRY
A. CHAPLAIN
My feeling before the visit was little bit sad and no hope or expectation because normally the patient didn’t give much enthusiasm to me to have further approach also because of her sickness and back pain that she always complained. During my visit, I felt ‘high’ and perceived it as a great grace to me meeting a tender and honest patient with uttering her own feeling and her own long hidden story. I never imagined before. It impels me to write this second Verbatim in my CPE directly on the same day at night. After the visit, I felt I was being a good and blessed person and with enthusiasm I finished up my visits, all patients of my unit (about 17 patients). I felt once again being strengthened and empowered by the patient.
What I did well is: I entered the room with open possibility without expectation, I could pose my body in proper and comfortable way that is closer to the patient, I could read the need of the patient that finally she could verbalize her own deep feeling, even her own long hidden story many years ago when she’s a kid, I did my approach to the patient in tenderness of my feeling and heart and being sensitive to her needs with being a good listener and supporter to her great attitude and identify her experience to my own as a person.
I don’t what I could’ve done better in some ways. I guess I have done the best as I could give to the patient’s needs and she’s very grateful wholeheartedly as I perceived in my deep down heart as well. I read this experience not only in physical way but in a spirit and feeling, that God was acting in me and her.

B. PATIENT
The patients felt sad when she told her story and her basic and foundational questions of agony she has to endure in this world but afterward with her slowly and surely motion, she came to realize that her experience both ups and downs transfer her in a better disposition as I was being and bear with her in her story. A couple of times, she was tearing and her eyes becoming red and she could continue with my support to be strong in her feeling and being grateful to what she has experienced. The patient was plainly uttering her hidden feeling that she keeps in her long life with her mother. She tried to tell honestly her bad experience with her mother whom she always admires and respects in spite of her unexpected motherness as it is supposed to be. Her main concern is to be encouraged in her journey, her feeling and her healing process that connect to her past memory with others. She tried to prove that she becomes a good mother to her children. Even though her mother didn’t love her as she perceived and experienced but she tried to be the best mother in her family and her children and grandchildren love her so much and she proud of it. She concerned of me as well with her thankfulness.

C. CAREGIVER
At least from the telephone she answered during my last visit that was from her sister-in-law. It’s a good evident that her family members concern of her a lot, even with their visit. I believe that what she has poured to others with loving tenderness, she deserves to receive in return.

D. FAMILY DYNAMICS/SYSTEMS
She is an Italian descent who was born in the USA. Both of her parents came from Italy when they were young. They had a lot of children, probably 9. As a middle child in her family, she felt being neglected. Her oldest sister was so loved by her mother and her brothers as well were being loved by the mother but she didn’t experience the equal love. She has a sort of deep scar in her heart that she carries in her life, being neglected by her mother. She longed the tenderness of her mother. The role of her father encouraged her to continue her journey to be a lovely person to her family especially her siblings and her children. Being a middle child is sometimes painful but it has a great role to be a balancer toward the older ones and the younger ones. The Italian family system that inculturated in the American culture is an interesting to be considered with the poverty in her time. I guess, the healing process of the patient can be met in the root of her hidden story, being neglected as a lovely person. It can be a good way to explore more and a topic to strengthen her in her last years journey especially in her own life in her condominium. It is supposed to be a person who takes care of her psychological needs, who is willing to listen to her attentively and friendly. Her family including her children, grandchildren and her sisters-in-law are being support group in her healing process and her daily life. In my own experience, as a middle person of five children in my own family, I felt the same experience and I am convinced by her story that even though we’re a miserable person but we have a great duty and role to be a mediator to keep balance toward others and always being connected to others as we initiate. In one side we want love and on the other side in order to get this love, we prove it with our over attention to others. So, it is always a good to know our weakness, strength and tendency toward positive and negative aspects of our life as a middle person in our family.

E. HUMAN THEMES
Relationship to our parents, siblings, unfinished business in our life story, honesty and trustfulness in telling hidden stories, the questions of agony and human suffering in the world as mystery, hope to the near future in old age and being alone in her own place, needs of support group especially the family members.

F. THEOLOGICAL THEMES
Lamenting with complaining and questioning of the agony, pain and sickness, hope to continue the journey of this life in her fragile and weaknesses, reconciliation with her mother that she longs for, confession of her own hidden feeling toward her mother and her basic questions.
One main theme is reconciliation with the figure of her mother that needs to be explored. Her belief in the minister of the church such as chaplain in the hospital, I believe is a good mediator to transform her unfinished business and her ‘deep-heart-scar’ and I think she needs a person who always giving care of her spiritual and psychological needs or at least a good friend and good listener both with heart and ears.
The relationship to others is not always smooth as we hope together and the reconciliation is always a need to renew this relationship. Through the intercession of others as good listeners and caregivers and the strong and perseverance in faith-hope-love, we can gradually enter the process of healing to cure the wounds of our deep scar heart that should be eventually transformed to God’s ways and wisdoms. For me, whose similar experience, it contribute a lot in my healing process as a person who always perceived myself as miserable comparing to others.

G. KEY LEARNINGS
My key learning is to be a good listener in my visit to others and being professional in my clinical visit. I think this experience is an obvious evident to see my improvement in this CPE journey. I am being confirmed, empowered and strengthened by this wonderful experience and reflection.

H. PASTORAL CARE
The basic pastoral care principle that I apply here: being open to whatever possibility draws me, to be sensitive to the needs of the patient, to be a good and attentive listener both with my ears and heart plus gesture, touching and full mindfulness to be with the patient in precious time is a wonderful help and healing, giving my heart and whole being to the patient is a wonderful gift that I could offer, without expectations prior the visit and let it goes after finish or spirituality of ‘good bye’ and promise in the future meeting in the spirit and prayer, so not making the patient dependent to me.
I consider as a sacramental with being a communion with her in feeling and conversation plus mainly offering the Body of Christ, as a healing with my presence and my whole being to be with her, as liturgical with my prayer and my role as minister of the Eucharist, prophetic with my uniqueness as a person and minister that can be trusted by the patient and gives her comfort in uttering her deep feeling and concern, as shepherding in the sense of care of the minister or chaplain.
The plan for the future is probably continuing the journey with her in her pain, sickness, old age with its effects, and being a good company in her ups and downs situation.

I. CHARTING
I wrote: I visited the patient and gave her good care with to be sensitive to what the patient needs, good listener and patience to the story she told me. I gave her communion after the qualitative conversation and she perceived gratefully.

VII. SHARING THE LOAD
Thank you, O God, for your loving kindness, that eventually, you open my eyes as a minister to the patient who gives her gift to me that is her sacred and secret story that she has carried in her whole life both positive and negative. I commend to you, O God, her soul, body and spirit to your hands, so that in her last years of her life in this world, she could find your peace that reconcile her to her mother. Keep her strong in her weaknesses and give her comfort when she couldn’t bear alone her agony. Give her a best company she could have in this world to your eternal life with you. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

God, you know what I have been feeling and experiencing in meeting with your beloved one in her 91 year-old of age. I am grateful to this that you have opened my eyes to this unexpected person in my life. I have similar and common things that I sometimes complain. Thank you God, for this process of healing that I am also privileged to have it now. Accompany me in my painful and agony time where I need you more than ever. Don’t let me be alone when I have to take great responsibility. Let your will be with me, not me, O Lord, not me, but you, yourself who is living in me because I am only your servant who is doing what I should do for the good of others and myself.
Through Christ who is the healer and the best companion and mediator in the world and eternal joy in heaven forever and ever.
Amen.