4th letter of June 2005

4) 13th Sunday in Ordinary Time, June 26, 2005

Monday, June 20, 2005.
This morning I was so lazy to woke up since my body was bit painful, but I had to do the routine activities as I started the third week of my CPE at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center. After having breakfast together with the brothers, I opened my e-mail and I was so glad that I got reply of a Xaverian father in Japan, named Besco Flavio, whom I sent my e-mail last week, asking of Xaverians mission in Japan. I heard of him from Alberto, a former of Xaverian student who recommended me to send him letter. In his letter, he said, "Japan is a good place to live, but not a good place to preach the Gospel." For this reason, Xaverians work at some areas such as kindergarten and parish work as he does in Izumi Sano. He gave me two home pages that are very informative about our mission in Japan. They are: www.rinku.zaq.ne.jp/tenshi and www.rinku.zaq.ne.jp/sano-katorikku
I am very impressed by the activities of the kindergarten kids on this website and dreaming that someday with God’s will I can join them to this mission land that I have thought since I entered the Xaverians in 1996. Father Besco offers his willingness to answer my further question about our mission in Japan and he recommends me another name, namely, Father Tiziano Tosolini, sx for more philosophical-theoretical approach regards this mission.
After morning devotion with other chaplains, we started our CPE class at 9 a.m. with learning goals. I presented mine with some suggestions of my supervisor, Digna and other colleagues. It’s all about learning objective in three-dimensional things, namely, personal, professional and spiritual that will be evaluated as I am going through to this CPE program in 9 more weeks ahead. Two of my classmates also presented their learning goals then we had debriefing issue until noon. After having lunch at the cafeteria, I tagged along with Dave who is in charge of 3 West Neurology Unit, in which we visited some patients and gave them communion. One of them is from Iraq who has strong belief in devotion. He tried to express how he was healed and cured by the gesture of holy cross that was made to his parts of the body in spite of his difficulty to talk after having stroke attack. The other patient whom we visited, has been already staying at this hospital since two weeks ago and he shared his grievance since the doctor doesn’t success to find the disease and it seems no improvement while he showed us his arm was bit swollen. Dave introduced me to some nurses who work at this unit. This unit with patients who suffered of stroke reminds me to my grandmother who suffered and died because of this disease at Bethesda hospital in Yogyakarta, Indonesia in 1992. I continued to visit some patients at 6 West unit, which is my primary unit. Two new patients I tried to visit did not accept my visit with their own reasons, while one patient was going to discharge and I said my farewell greeting to him. Being denied by some patients in my visit, is not joyful experience but I can understand their privacy and not to force my own agenda as the training is emphasized to me at this CPE program. "It’s all about the patient, not me."
At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel then we had supper with the brothers, in which almost all 14 brothers coming at these three tables, that usually only two tables. There was Brother Larry, the provincial of the Alexian Brothers in the USA whom I just met today and I gave him greeting then he replied and welcomed me very warmly. This evening I was sleepy and exhausted, so I just sit at my room trying to collect my energy and memory of various experiences I have today. After my energy revives and the tense nerve of my neck disappear gradually I start my journal with writing on my book and type it on my computer, as a realization of my learning goal to keep my experience on my daily journal as the personal goal. I want to appreciate to my pen pals who replied my last weekly journal. They gave me a bit hope and strength in my journey that sometimes cost me worry about my own weakness and limitation as a person in doing this intensive program. Thank you Father Victor Bongiovanni, Darlene and Pascal Atumisi, my confrere who have shared your attention to me.
As I pondered my learning experience on the class today, I was thinking about both of my colleagues who like to argue each other about their own opinion that sometimes cost them a bit of tension. I was amazed and honored their critical thinking in our class that challenge each other but on the other hand I disagree with their own ambition to win their own argument. As a person who is not from this country and the English as my second language, sometimes I miss their conversation. I guess I have to be patient with myself and being aware of this situation, always ready to accept myself as a vulnerable one compares to others who are Americans born. Since my character is tend to be quiet, my supervisor proposed to me to jump into conversation as much as I can as she suggested it for my learning goal in spiritual dimension. I am still hesitate whether I can do this in authentic way since after I review my experience, indeed my attitude toward others is just like so. It’s difficult for me to be like others who like to argue and talk a lot. In my story telling, I mentioned that I often times thinking over and over before uttering to the group and according to my supervisor it’s probably my cultural upbringing and also my own personal behavior and she encourages me to be brave to talk even though having incorrect grammar and just keep going.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005.
Today is a special day for me and for my 4 other Xaverian confreres who celebrate the 7 years of our first vows anniversary. On June 21, 1998 ago, we’re 8 Indonesian students professed our first vows in the hands of our master of novice, Father Bruno Orru, sx in Bintaro-Jakarta. Now, we remain five scattered in four different countries: Utomo in Italy, Made in Mexico, Marsel in the Philippines, Dharmawan and I in the USA. Through e-mail we remind each other our 7th year anniversary and keep in touch in our prayer with hope that all of us will be faithful to this missionary vocation in the beloved Xaverian congregation to the end of our life. We wait for fruitful result that hopefully next year some of us will profess the perpetual vows. I appreciate to Dharmawan and Marsel who have replied my e-mail and offered their best wishes and prayer for all of us both five of us who are still in the Xaverians and our ten other classmates who are continuing their vocation in different styles wherever they are.
In my CPE today, I’m impressed by a class discussion regards resolve a conflict among our colleagues. It’s interesting how our supervisor, Digna, tried to raise the yesterday issue and analyze it in our group. It cost emotional reaction to the pertaining persons but in good resolution we try to help and encourage each other in this group. We keep this secrecy in our group as our covenant. It would’ve been good if it is applied in my religious community dealing with some confreres who sometimes have different point of view and paradigm then contradicting each other. It entails skill of mediator to be peacemaker to resolve the problem.
After lunch, I visited some 9 patients at 6 West Unit in which some of them gave me good impression since they accepted my visit even though one old lady did not accept my visit. I gave communion to three patients who are willing to receive daily communion. After a couple of times doing this visit, I am becoming confident to do this routine duty. In the beginning of course I felt hesitant and anxious to face patient but afterward with my good will spiritually and intentionally and some learning trial and error, I just do this clinical visit with one spirit that I visit Jesus in my life who is suffering with their own disease mentally, physically, spiritually and other things as it’s witnessed by Father Victor Bongiovanni through his encouraging e-mail to me. Today I am satisfied with my experience visiting the patients. Even though once I have been denied by an old woman patient, but I could understand her situation that I never know what’s going on with her. I keep pray for her as she continues in this medical treatment. Once I met one lady who doesn’t speak English and I guess she is from China. What I did is just being present and gave her a prayer card. One young man who was a truck driver, about 23 year-old, I visited him with little chatting and prayer. He’s grateful and appreciative to my visit. A nurse supervisor approached me to visit a patient who is upset to nurses then I came to visit her. She accepted my visit nicely and told her experience today that made her upset, namely, the X-ray treatment. I tried to be a good listener as she told her grievance and offered her prayer. It seemed that she’s happy to receive my visit. It’s all about the patients, not about me, so I have to be ready to whatever situation can be happened to me both good and bad….I surrender to God’s plan, I am just a person who does the duty to visit, no more no less.
At the end of my visit, I returned to the hospital chapel to return the host at the tabernacle and prayed for a moment. I went to the hospital library to pick up the book I borrow, namely, Hope in Pastoral Care and Counseling by Andrew Lester. The librarian helps me find out this book and she got it from Loyola University in Chicago. It is used for book review in my CPE program. At this library, there are about five computers with access to Internet that open to public as well.
After having Mass in the evening, we had supper together with the Alexian brothers and this time the room was pecked because all 14 brothers came and there were some guests. We were separated on three round tables. Some Indian priests came to stay at this brother’s house. They are missionaries of de Sales from India who work in the USA. One of them, Father Abraham, a young priest ever served as a chaplain at this hospital some time ago. After having dinner, I asked favor to my colleagues who is on-call service today, named Annie to show me how to use the briefcase for the emergency baptism. We came to the fist floor at Post Partum Unit and saw the briefcase and she showed me how to use things inside. It’s important for me because I never have this experience to baptize a baby, especially in emergency situation. At the brothers’ house, I sit down with three elderly brothers, one of them is 90 year-old, named Brother Ronald just came back yesterday from his vacation in Indiana. One brother named Philip was teasing the oldest one with telling story to me.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005.
Today, there is a candidate, a White American man would have interview with the brothers, probably, applying to join the Alexian Brothers since I see him stayed at this house and joined the prayers.
In the CPE program, our supervisor, Digna reviewed the video we watched yesterday, about Elizabeth Kubler Ross then Eric led the discussion of ‘Living Reminder’, a book written by Henry Nouwen. We discussed about ministry and spirituality. Before noon, Jim Gullickson gave us the spiritual assessment in visiting a patient. After having lunch, soon I visited patients at 6 West. There were about 18 patients on my list and not all available to my visit. Some were sleeping, some others were not at their rooms, and some were not ready to receive my visit because of their condition. I was impressed by some couples, who take care of the husband or wife. In the moment of suffering of the pain, they witness to me their faithfulness, loyalty. I said to them, "You’re a good and faithful husband/wife." One old lady who is sick and receive communion with his husband gratefully answered me, "Yes, sometimes, he’s good" making a joke. Another husband always stays at the room of her wife who suffered of a hard disease. He said that this place is now also his place. One lady whom I visited was uttering her grievance regards the treatment of doctors who do not give her a hope but keep her stay long at this hospital. When I came, she was writing a letter and she was very glad to see me again for the second time. She said, "You’re coming on due time." She concerns a lot about financial thing. Her husband does not work and she has to work soon. Telling her story, she started to cry. As a chaplain, I tried my best to listen attentively and compassionately. I didn’t know what to say but I just remained there and offered a prayer. One old lady who suddenly saying after I said that I am a chaplain, "Of course, I’m a Lutheran. My father is Germany and my mother is Polish. Since kid, my brother and I went to Lutheran church. She knows that she could not receive communion at the Catholic Church. She spoke loudly a lot of stories of her life. Then I offered prayer from the Alexian Brothers’ prayer card. After the prayer, she was speaking again about her experience entering a Catholic Church, etc, etc… I tried to visit two old ladies but they were still sleeping so I didn’t meet them. I just put on the chart, "Attempted Visit." One Catholic lady, who has felt much better from pneumonia, did not want stay longer at this hospital. She was walking around the unit in order to reduce her stress. She likes to talk and tell story to me. I gave her communion and she received happily. One old man whom I visited was taken care by his wife. He’s a Catholic and gladly accepting my visit and told me that he’s a deacon of his Catholic Church and knows very well this hospital. One old patient lady who just arrived, I offered her a communion and asked me if I go to her Catholic Church in Schaumburg and I said, "No." I wrote what I remember from so many conversation I have today and pop up in my memory, so that on due time I have to write a verbatim, I am ready to reflect some of them and deepen them in details. I concluded my visit today at 4.10 p.m. and put the host back in the tabernacle at the hospital chapel.
After the evening Mass and supper, I walked along with Brother Victor, a 58 year-old Chinese man. In our conversation, I asked him about the cost of one day for a patient at this hospital. He replied, "About one thousand dollars a day, but it will be more if they are in special rooms like ICU, ICCU, not including medicine, etc…" Then I can understand how the patients most likely want to leave the hospital as soon as possible, not only their desolation experience but also the factor of financial. I don’t know what happen to a patient who cannot afford the cost of medical treatment here. Should they discharge of the hospital while they are sick, I don’t know.
In the evening, I just stayed at my room, preparing a morning devotion for tomorrow at the CPE program, then just relax remembering the great day today I have experienced meeting and talking to many patients and many other people.

Thursday, June 23, 2005.
I was giving morning devotion this morning that I took from the book of Anthony de Mello, "Wellsprings" and we’re only 5 chaplains because the others have evaluation of their program. This morning I visited patients at 6 West as my primary unit. There were 20 patients on my list but some of them were not available, some were not at their bed, some I gave communion. I remember one old lady about 86 year-old whom I visited for the second time and I gave her communion. With low voice she told me her story that she went to Catholic school since kid at Saint Clement in Chicago. Most of her friends and neighbors were Irish, Germany, and Polish. After telling her story, then she asked about me. "Do you marry?" then she added, "I don’t think you’re married." I replied, "I’m a seminarian and studying become a priest." She was glad to her that and she wished me the best to be a good pastor and she encouraged me that I will be a good one. This is one empowering visit that I ever have beside other patients who gave me joy to serve them. For three times I tried to visit one patient but always a member of the family always denied me without allowing me to enter the room. It’s a part of learning to be humble and accept what the patient want not pushing my own agenda. One Peruvian man who was on his bed waiting for his urine would come out, I visited him and he talked a lot about his family and his belief in the Catholic faith. Once I prayed and gave him communion, he felt peace in his heart as he said to me. After he peed his urine, then he discharged. Some patients I have tried to visit but they were sleeping or still in line with phone, so I put on the chart, "Attempted Visit." One of my colleagues asked me to give communion at his unit, the 5th floor and I was happy to response directly since he is Lutheran and can’t give Catholic communion. I have such a privilege to take communion from the chapel and give to the patients.
After lunch, we had debriefing with our supervisor, Digna. She was telling her own story in regard of our theological story that we have to make for next week and share to the class. It’s almost the same with theological reflection I have received at CTU. One issue was discussed regard the lateness of one of our classmates to come to this debriefing. I learned a lot from the supervisor, how she clarifies the problem and helped us all to see good and bad things and what we can do better for next. It’s her role to direct us to see and evaluate all we do. Sometimes if one can’t accept the input of the supervisor, she/he will be upset and defend with his/her own opinion and it takes a lot of time to argue. I hope that what they talked in our discussion can be implemented in our clinical service as chaplains.
Coming back to the house, Brother Zeke asked me, "Why I didn’t come to the breakfast with the brothers?" I replied, "I was full, so I don’t need breakfast." I happened already twice. He suggested and convinced me that even though not eating something, just drink and being together with them because since beginning I have a custom together with them in the breakfast, so they always ask about me. Knowing this experience, I will do better next time and continue to sit together with the brothers in the breakfast moment.
After attending the Mass and having supper with the brothers, I went to the trailer 2 to envoy the message of Digna to my colleague who is on call service today till tomorrow morning. Coming back to the house of the brothers, I saw Brother Jim, 84 year-old, who is very friendly to me, asked me question, "How did you know about your congregation that you are in now?" Then we shared many things and he lent me a book about cultural and religions sensitivity that was made last year by a Jew at Saint Alexius Medical Center. He was surprised to know many religions in the world. Before he only knew Catholic and some other denominations of Christians.

Friday, June 24, 2005.
This morning as usual I had prayer with the brothers at 6.15 o’clock then as Brother Zeke nicely proposed to me yesterday that it’s good to have breakfast together with the brothers in the community so I did this advice wholeheartedly. This early morning Brother Zeke goes to New Jersey visiting his family till next Thursday. In the CPE morning devotion, once again I led the prayer with the prayer of Mother Theresa of Calcutta. About one hour I spent my clinical day with visiting patient at 6 West. I gave communion to some patients then I returned to trailer 2 to have personal conference with my supervisors about one hour. Both of my supervisors, Digna and Jim, got to know me through my personal stories that I shared to them while they were asking some clarifications and suggestions. A quarter after eleven, I went up to the third floor to meet my colleague, Deacon Dave, to visit some patients who are in the neurology unit. We visited about 4 patients. One thing I learned today is about one religion that is called Willow Creek. According to Dave, it’s a sort of a modern church who accommodates suburban people who do not have a certain church. They have a beautiful building, music, technology in the worship. They can accommodate five thousand people in their church. A lot of young Catholic move to this movement as Deacon Dave said to me. One patient whom we visited is fellow of this church, so I asked Dave about it. After having lunch together with other chaplains at the cafeteria, I went to 6 West again and visited some patients. One old Indian lady whom I visited a couple of times during these two weeks, finally she discharged today. I gave her communion and said my farewell greeting to her. She is a nice lady who likes to receive my visit and she wishes me the best in my vocation and duty at this hospital.
After the morning devotion, I get a turn to be an on-call chaplain from 8 o’clock today till tomorrow morning 8 o’clock as well. I got keys of the chaplain room at the fifth floor, on-call pager and a badge for having meal at the cafeteria. It will be my first time experience being on-call by myself. Two weeks ago, I had the same experience but I was accompanied by a resident or senior chaplain. I am ready to be paged in 24 hours.
In the morning at 10.20 I got a page from hospice unit at the fifth floor. Since there was my colleague who was in charge of this unit, so I told her this call and she followed it up. The patients at this unit need a priest for anointing of the sick sacrament and sacrament of reconciliation. Hospice unit is a place for patients who endure terminal illnesses and most of them are elderly people.
At 4.40 p.m. when I returned to the brother’s house, I got a page of CCU unit at first floor. Immediately I came to this unit and rather shock I saw a dead young man with his family. His face was already yellow and I prayed surround him together with his sister and father. It’s my first experience to pray for the dead at this hospital and fortunately in the afternoon I have taken a prayer book with me from the on-call chaplain room, so I used this book, the prayer for the dead. As I uttered the prayer, my feeling was upset and my heart gradually saddened as if I was impacted by the mourning of this family who were left behind. While I said the prayer, I got another page from my colleague, Annie who would like to meet me before she leaves. She met me at the chapel in the middle of the Mass. She encouraged me on this on-call duty and she gave me her phone both home and cell, just in case I need help, I could call her up. I am grateful for her kindness and I feel being supported in this partnership. While in the Mass, I was still struck by this dead experience of the young man. My heart was still numb and my image once in a while remembering his face.
I had dinner with the brothers and had good chatting with them. They were teasing me to join their congregation but they know me very well that I have confident to follow my way in the Xaverian missionaries. They are very nice to me and always encourage me to continue my journey to the missionary priesthood as I have chosen since 1996. Often times they ask my experience how I get to know the Xaverians. They are curious about my country, Indonesia. Some of them who were joining military service, such as the U.S. Navy, like to tell their story when they served in the World War 2 in the Philippines and other islands close to Indonesia. They said that they welcome me at any time to their house. I feel more and more comfortably being together with them as I am journeying this CPE summer unit that is already in the third week.
As the orientation book of the CPE recommends, in the evening of on-call duty, I was walking around emergency unit, ICU, ICCU, Hospice and day surgery. As I walked one old man stopped me and asked me where I am coming from. Then he said many things about his experience in the military service in Himalaya, India, Korea and other Asian Pacific countries including Indonesia. He was so glad to meet me as an Indonesian. He met for the first time an Indonesian in this country, as he said to me. He said that with a ship he passed by Padang which is located in Sumatera Island when the Japanese colonized Indonesia in 1942-1945. He was excited to tell stories and meet with people just like his father who was coming from Yugoslavia. He said that he’s a Catholic and just visited his wife at this hospital and he asked me to stop by at his wife’s room then I did as he suggested.
When I was at my on-call room at the fifth floor which has access to computer plus Internet, shower and restroom, bed, phone and full AC, I got a page from hospice unit at the fifth floor at 8.50 p.m. Actually, I have seen many people surrounded this patient as I checked around this evening. For the second time today, I prayed for the dead together with other family members.
At 9.20 p.m. again I got a page from emergency room at the first floor. I met a young lady who just bore a baby but the doctor said to me that the baby would pass away soon in next few days. Before I met this lady, the doctor said to me that this lady is already calm down and still mourning. When I asked this lady what spiritual needs she wants, she replied that she is OK and doesn’t need anything else. So, I left her alone with her husband who spoke Polish.

Saturday, June 25, 2005.
After having slept about two hours, at 00.50 early in the morning the pager was beeping and it’s CODE BLUE. It means that I have to directly come to the location of the patient, that was PIR 262. I reached there immediately and saw some doctors and nurses took care of one old Peruvian patient about 77 year-old who was dying, crying, and screaming. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do in this situation as a chaplain on-call. I was stick around at this area and one nurse told me to approach the patient’s relative that was his granddaughter. I met her and talked to her in English. I had some informative answer to know about the patient. Actually he was at the fifth floor since last Monday but this early morning he got severe pain then he was brought to this kind of emergency room. The medics brought him to CCU and I continued to accompany them. While the nurses set up the new room at CCU for this patient, the granddaughter of the patient and I were waiting for at a waiting room. There were only two of us at this room at 01.30 a.m. Trying the best I could to do my role as the on-call chaplain at this moment, I was being with her and once in a while asking questions and we had small conversation until she asked me about my identity. In the middle of conversation, the nurse called us to enter the room of the patient. One of the nurses asked her to know about someone who is responsible for power attorney, to decide something that important to the patient’s life. They name it as power attorney if I am not mistaken. She called up his uncle and the doctor spoke in Spanish trying to explain this situation. The patient who speaks only Spanish was calm down and slept restfully. I asked the granddaughter what spiritual needs they wish and she said, no until now. Then, I left her alone with her grandpa and told her to take care of herself since she has to work this morning. I left them after filling out the chart of the patient at 2.15 a.m. Coming back to my room, the on-call chaplain room at the fifth floor, I tried to sleep again but I couldn’t. I have lain down on the bed and shut my eyes but my mind was still revolving around the situation I have experienced today. My awareness of time was strong in the rest of this morning, then at 5.20 a.m. I discharge of this chaplain room and went to the trailer 2, the spiritual care department. I did morning report, which I have to write down on the green book about what I have received from the page I carry on including the action and reaction I have done. Father Stan who came later at this morning told me how to do other things such as taking message from telephone mail voice and checked my morning report. After finishing all of these, I went to the cafeteria to have heavy breakfast: hot chocolate, donut, bacon, and sausage. Waiting for the next on-call chaplain of today, I was writing my personal conference report I had yesterday, then at 8.10 a.m. Beth came and reported what I have written on the green book and gave her what I have received as an on-call chaplain, namely: the key of the on-call chaplain, the band roll card for having meal at the cafeteria and the pager. At 8.10 I went home at the Brothers’ house and took care of myself with sleeping peacefully until one o’clock in the afternoon. Having fresh mind, body and spirit after resting for five hours, I took shower and writing this journal while the weather outside warm, sunshine. I did also weekly laundry as usual. In the evening I prayed with the brothers the Vesper then took out food from the cafeteria of the hospital and we ate together at the house of the brothers. In the evening I was at my room, watching DVD of the advertisement of the Alexian Brothers and two movies entitled Wild Things and Confession till almost midnight.

Sunday, June 26, 2005.
I could sleep long enough today and woke up at 7.15 a.m. At 9 a.m. I attended Sunday Mass at the hospital chapel and had breakfast at the cafeteria with the brothers. I took a walk outside of the hospital and I saw across the street there is Saint Julian Catholic Church, Elk Grove Village. I went through the street and I found Jewel Osco and other stores. I bought small book for the CPE and other little things. Returning home at 1 p.m. I had small lunch and watched DVD of Final Destination. After the evening prayer/Vesper with the brothers at 5 p.m., I followed Brothers Dan and Ted to the cafeteria to take out some food and this time I took meat load and mash potatoes and I ate it with the brothers at the house.
It’s full the third week experience of my immersion at the CPE program at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center and looking forward tomorrow my fourth week with the same hope and renewed spirit.

Denny Wahyudi (27 June 2005)
Weekly Reflection (WEEK III, from 20 June to 24 June 2005)
Having experienced the third week of the CPE summer unit, leads me to involve more to the clinical works as a chaplain at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center. My primary unit is 6 West, whose types of patients served are ages, patient groups, market, and diagnostic categories. It provides care to adult through geriatric medical-surgical patients. The specific patient groups include but are not limited to patient’s with: infectious isolation care needs, Tuberculosis, renal failure and any condition that requires general medical/surgical intervention. At this unit I know closely some patients that I visit everyday especially those who require daily communion. Every morning in daily basis as I receive 2 to 3 pages of patient list then I have to make assessment which patients I should visit especially initial visit then communion list and finally follow up visit to some patients. In the orientation, Sandy, one of the chaplains here witnessed to us what to do before visiting patients, namely, visiting the chapel, spend a qualitative time to ask God’s wisdom to do this clinical service to patients. It’s such an example I never forget and I have done so far. One important room before meeting patients is the chapel then I take hosts with me that always remind me to behave appropriately in body-mind-spirit to do this visit because I carry the body of Christ. In the beginning of my visit experience at this hospital, I felt hesitant and doubt to enter the room of patients. I am fear of doing wrong and not knowing what to speak fluently to patients. Gradually, I have confidence in my heart and attitude to be calm down and to be humble at the visit, because I am just a tool who brings message of Christ to patient. "If Christ is with me, whom shall I dare." A couple of times I am denied by patients and I try to understand their choice and privacy. But, many times I am being accepted by patients. They are very nicely accepting my presence and gratefully receiving communion. Some patients know me, even my name. Once I met a patient whom I promised to give her communion then at the same day, the husband of the patient whom I also met at my initial visit then greeted me by calling my name at the cafeteria. I am feeling appreciated and welcomed by them. I remembered what my pre-novitiate master, Nico Macina, SX ever said, "The most need of human being is being accepted by others." My philosophy professor in Indonesia, Magnis Susesno, SJ says, "To love and to be loved as human being is giving ultimate meaning in the life of human beings." Then, I reflect upon this experience particularly in my CPE program dealing with the patients. My motivation to be here is not merely to be accepted by others but I have to transform myself to transcendental level. Even Jesus Christ was rejected and killed cruelly by many who were envious to him. If I have experience to be loved and accepted by others then I know what is the meaning of this comfortable feeling and experience. If it is conditional, it will not last long. But, if it is unconditional then I put it into practice like so, I develop myself toward this unconditional one. I have one experience that made me so depressed as a person when I was working at an office in Jakarta in my 20’s. One friend of mine confronted me nastily with his bad words and talked widely to others about my fault to him. I couldn’t be angry to him. I was sorry to myself and without having braveness to approach him and ask him pardon, I put all of this difficult situation in my heart and in the process I always remembered him in my prayer especially when I attended Mass. Incredibly, one day he approached me nicely, asking what Catholic church activity he could join with me. Then, I offered him a weekend retreat that is called CHOICE. In the chaos of my life, God is always present and leading me to a beautiful meaning that I never thought before. All of these experience I carry as my treasure in my spiritual life, I try to use it in my CPE program especially dealing with many different characters. When I am rejected, I will try my best to see God’s message over there and pray fervently, remember them in my mind and heart and let the Spirit of God change what it can be changed. Not me who can change and not my intention to change others, but just to be faithful to God in surrendering everything I have experienced, then God will take care of the rest.
Here, I want to express my gratitude and prayer to an old Indian patient whom I visited and already discharged on last Friday. She has accepted me as her "angel" and her "neighbor." At the same time I believe that she remembers me in her prayers. I have a qualitative moment with her in this CPE.

Denny Wahyudi (27 June 2005)
STORY THEOLOGY
At the age of teenager (16) I was willingly able to learn how to drive a car. As I saw my father driving a car, I noticed carefully what steps should one take to drive. One day when my father was not at home, bravely I pushed his car out toward the street and drove it happily. Thanks God, I didn’t crashed anything instead I could drive it to surround of little streets. A couple of times I did similar with other cars that my father had that time. My father did not want recommend me to drive his car with his own reason that his car was not healthy. I did not surrender to his opinion. I tried my best to practice it. Unluckily, it did not continue in better ways until I graduated of high school and left for Jakarta for working. I ever asked to my father before I left my hometown to take car driver’s license but he said, "NO." After working for almost three years, and almost the time to enter the Xaverians, I spent my time to take a course of driving car in Jakarta. I did a couple of times (probably 6 times of one hour practice) and I still remember this course is ULISA. I drove three different cars and accompanied by an instructor I went to some various streets such as crowded one in Pasar Senen. It’s a moment of incredible and joyous one for me that time that eventually I could drive a car even though this driving school fee did not include driver’s license. So, I had experience to drive a car in Jakarta only with driving school without having any other experience to drive other car nor my own car since I didn’t have car.

Entering Xaverians in 1996 until graduated my philosophy/college study in 2002, it seemed that I didn’t have possibility to drive a car. Actually, there’s one possibility in the third year of philosophy study but once again I didn’t have chance. Every class of the Xaverian students have chance to drive car and normally only the formators/the Xaverian priests who choose them. I was not the chosen one, even though in my rational thinking that I was able to do it. I let both of my classmates take their willingness to be driver in our community. I felt jealous at that time but I just kept them in my heart. In my rational mind, I had been living in Jakarta since 1993, much longer than both of my friends, my father and mother are drivers, I had a driving car course before entering the Xaverians, and I know many streets in Jakarta….but why I was not chosen to be a driver. It’s my grievance at that time. After both of my classmates became driver, one day my rector asked me I don’t know if he’s serious or just joking, whether I also want to take driver’s license…spontaneously I said, "NO" because there were already two drivers. Patiently, I tried to perceive all of these in my heart and reflection.

Coming to the USA in November 2002, I saw my older confrere of Indonesia has been driving a car since his first year. I was confidently this time that I would not loose again my chance to drive a car. Seeing both of my classmates from Mexico had been practicing drive a car, I was patiently waiting for my turn. But, unfortunately my turn did not come until I graduated my English study in August 2003. I saw both of my Mexican confreres have been driving a car and they were always to be my driver going back and forth to school everyday. I just kept all my ‘negative’ feeling in my heart and saw it as my destiny in the beginning of my experience in my family. I was so jealous and disappointed to see this experience moreover to see my friend from Indonesia who is studying theology in San Antonio with CICM congregation who told me about his driving course after he lived one month in the USA. One of the Xaverian priests in Milwaukee and the only one who asked me personally, why I don’t take driver license, made me more thinking miserably to myself. I tried to see in clear perspective and just let it go.

Coming to Chicago, I have bad experience twice with "car tragedy." One is when I was invited by my older confrere to go to downtown by a car. He drove and got accident in the middle of traffic light in downtown. It happened in December 2002 and impacted me since now that I would not drive a car in Chicago. The second one is when the first time I came to Chicago and my older confrere invited me to visit one Indonesian priest, then on the way to the parking lot, we saw the van we had was towed. This two events plus my reason that Chicago has enough and affordable public transportations to reach other places, I decided not to take driver’s license. If I reflect on these chronological stories, I come to understand that I have such an attitude to keep bad experience in my heart and bear it with rationalization so that others can accept it.
In my experience riding motorcycle in Jakarta especially in the scholastic level, I saw myself trying to avoid riding motorcycle after seeing many of my confreres have willingness to ride it. I choose my transportation to go to many places in Jakarta with bicycle until one day I have an unforgettable and miserable experience loosing my beloved bicycle in Taman Anggrek Mall. I declared myself to be a bicycle man. Actually, I have been riding bicycle since I was working in Jakarta, before entering the Xaverians. Many people know that I like to go many far distances in Jakarta by my portable/folded bicycle.

Every time I reflect upon these experiences and see also that my younger brothers in Indonesia, even my oldest sister have been driving a car and my father bought for my brothers cars, I feel I just don’t have a good deal or chance to be like them. But, I am still grateful for many things I am privileged to have until now that many others don’t have such as traveling to other cities in the USA by airplane, going to vacation in Florida this summer 2005, having experience traveling to Los Angeles while I was doing pastoral work in Philadelphia in 2004 and finally living together with the Alexian Brothers in the CPE summer unit and still many other things I am aware that not others have, I just be calm down and step back to know myself better. Thanks God for all of these. I am thinking that my turn to drive a car is not coming yet and maybe someday I would be having this chance, maybe in my mission when I become a priest, in Japan, perhaps.
Is this part of my attitude being a "conformist" as the psychologist lady told me when I was in the Xaverian formation in Jakarta?