2nd letter of August 2005

2) 20th Sunday in Ordinary Time, August 14, 2005

Monday, August 08, 2005.
I did clinical visit in the morning till 10.30 then I put the data on the computer system at the ABMC library plus checked my e-mail. This morning I visited some 12 patients at 6 West. At 11.45 a.m. Annie and I went to our supervisor’s house at Lemont, Illinois. Today we, the four summer CPE students have celebration together at Digna’s house. Eric brought beef and grilled them for our lunch, Annie prepared fruits and Digna as the host prepare other things. We have nice break gathering together at a place that takes 45 minutes from the ABMC. At 3.30 p.m. Annie gave me a ride again back to ABMC. I attended the Mass at 5.30 p.m. and supper with the brothers. I read a Catholic newspaper and TIME. Together with Brothers Ronald, Philip and Victor, I watched a video entitled ‘Mexican’ that lasted for two hours. Brother Philip and I remained to see the film and the others left because they were not interested. Before watching the video, Brother Ronald (90) made wafer with banana, ice cream and liquor/cognac. I gave my rope game to Brother Philip (77) and Brother Ronald then we watched the video. I went to bed at 10.30 p.m.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005.
After Lauds and breakfast I was at my room to type this journal. This morning Brother Dan and the provincial of the Alexian Brothers, Larry, depart for the Philippines to visit the brothers in Davao City. There are several Alexian Brothers there who is part of the US province. I attended the morning devotion at the CPE led by Eric and the morning report by Linda. Wat makes me wondered is that it’s becoming a pattern that the rest of CPE students have pattern to be late attending the morning devotion and report. I have addressed it to my supervisor in the personal conference and she only promised to bring it to the class but she didn’t do it yet. Since I have discipline to be present everyday at this morning moment and it’s been my habit in my Xaverian seminary being on time even before the time I always be present to attend the community gathering. I don’t know in the US that always has motto ‘on-time’ but in reality at least in my CPE experience, it does not apply yet. It seems to me that it’s OK if you’re coming late in the morning devotion and morning report. Probably, I would address it on my final evaluation of the CPE next week. Since Annie is not coming today, so Digna asked me favor to present my reflection in the CPE class. I did it as I have written on my last week journal about my weekly reflection. From 10 to 11 a.m. Digna presented her power point of Communication Issue. At 11 to 12.20 p.m. Beth led the staff meeting regards the issue of spiritual assessment that will be computerized next year. After I had lunch at the cafeteria, I went to the chapel to take the host and visited the patients at 6 West, 3 West and as Beth paged me to accompany Father Stan to go across the street at the Rehabilitation Center giving communion to the patients there. Since the secretary, Theresia is on vacation, so Beth managed this duty to us even though actually there is a chaplain named Jerry Black who always comes everyday at 3 or 3.30 p.m. to give communion at the rehab center. So, before I finished with two other patients, I gave my list of communion to Jerry who will continue to do it. So, I left for the ABMC with Father Stan and continued my visit to 3 West.
One experience today in visiting a patient at 6 West that was struck me is: one 62 years old Lutheran lady who told me many stories about her life, openly asking about me whether I have a girl friend. I told her that I am a Catholic seminarian and not will marry. She thought that I am just 20’s years old. She was still curious and asked many things. I felt not being offended because I respect the patient in whatever her condition. She has a twin sister who always takes care of her and this patient because of her epilepsy she doesn’t marry. I don’t know why she always saying to me that someday I will have a good girl friend that means will marry me. She is a kind of old woman who needs love of others, so I am not wondered she asked me sensitive question whether I have ever seen the body of a woman because I answered her that I never have a girl friend. Moreover, what is struck me is that she showed me her body. She unfolded her blanket and her gown before me until she was naked. As a chaplain who should do properly, I said to her that it’s enough. I grabbed the blanket to cover her body immediately. I remember one chaplain who says that he couldn’t minister to a patient if the patient doesn’t cover her breast. He told openly where his limit and boundaries to the patient. Even though he’s a chaplain, he’s a man, a normal man as well who gets easily annoyed and distracted by the naked body situation of the patient especially the other gender. I don’t know why that she imposed me to see her body. I always remember the saying of Father Victor Bongiovanni, SX that when we see a patient, we see Jesus himself that is suffered. So, I remember this message and try to internalize this event with the positive message even though it seems weird, but Jesus is with her in this situation. I tried to understand her condition and not to be offended by her treatment to me. When I told this story to my classmate, he was laughing loudly. It’s been an awkward and unique experience in my clinical visit to patients at ABMC. I could understand her situation, not being married and not having her own family while she lives with her twin sister who is married and lives together with her husband and children. That’s why she likes to watch TV program about baby and family. She requires daily visit of a chaplain. I do the best I can to accompany her in this medical treatment and try to be polite and not offending her. I can see how she misses an accompaniment of a man because when I entered her room and she was still busy and I promised her to come back later. A couple of minutes later while I was visiting another patient, a nurse told me that this patient was waiting for me and as soon as possible I should come. It’s my first time to be called immediately by a patient. It seems that she couldn’t wait for me for long time. Probably, today I have seen some 14 patients at 6 West and 3 West plus about some 5 patients at the rehab center in which I was giving communion.
After the Mass at the hospital chapel led by Father Stan, an Indian priest who is already an American citizen and has been working at the ABMC for 8 years. He invited me and Eric to go to eat out at China Buffet at Elmhurst about 25 minutes from the ABMC. We had a nice sub group gathering with sharing many stories. Father Stan treated us at this restaurant and he lives close to this area. At 8 p.m. we returned to the ABMC and I went home. I saw Brother Zeke at the garden watering plants and I stopped by to see him and had conversation for a while till 9.30 p.m. I went to my room and typed this today’s experience.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005.
At the CPE program, Annie presented her Critical Incident Report. After lunch, I took the on-call duty from Sandy. Only one page I got in the afternoon from the ICU room. In the evening I visited some patients at 6 West and afterward there was no call. I could sleep at the on-call chaplain’s room very well.

Thursday, August 11, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 5.20 a.m. then took a shower. I went to Roncoli Center to get the voice mail of extension 6038. I led the morning devotion as well as report that whose only one pager calling of a patient while the weather outside was raining. At the CPE group, Dirk and Eric presented their reflection. At noon after having lunch, I visited some patients at 6 West and gave communion to 4 East. At 3 p.m. I was done with all visits and could go home and took a rest for a while. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel, had supper with the brothers including Annie who was on-call that evening. I went back to brothers’ house and read newspaper and watched TV till 10 p.m.

Friday, August 12, 2005.
Morning prayer, breakfast and typing this journal are my morning activities while the weather outside was raining, cloudy and the temperature about 70’s F. It’s a nice weather in the summer of this year. In the CPE program, there were few people coming to the morning report (Dave, Rosemary, Annie and I) and Dirk came late to lead the morning devotion. Annie did the morning report. Since morning I did clinical visit at 3 West and 6 West plus some patients at 5 East because Eric is off today. Once again in my visit at 6 West there is a male patient who was accompanied by his wife. She was very talkative to me and we had a nice conversation. The patient’s name is the same like me and he’s a Catholic. The have married in 52 years with 10 children and 19 grandchildren, a kind of fruitful family. In the evening I attended the Mass at 5.30 as usual and had dinner with the brothers while Dirk, my classmate was on-call. At the brothers’ house I read a Catholic magazine and watched British video about detective pursuing the murder with Brothers Philip, Ronald and Victor.

Saturday, August 13, 2005.
I had enough sleep last night because I could woke up bit late since today the Mass in the brothers’ community is at 8 a.m. Father Andrew led the Mass while his left ankle was injured when he played tennis. Right after the Mass, Brother Philip persuaded me so that I went with the brothers (Philip, Ronald, Victor and John Kim) to eat out having breakfast at Walker Bros, the original place of pancake. It took about a half hour to be there. It’s close to Techny, Illinois where I could see the building of SVD’s chapel in far distance. The pancake was very delicious and different with the usual ones I have eaten so far. No wonder that there were a lot of people coming to this restaurant. We had to stand in line to get in because many people were inside. The place and building are classic. Actually, there’s Walker Bros restaurant in Arlington Heights that is closer to Elk Grove Village but they decided to come here. We arrived home at 11 a.m. and at 11.30 a.m. Ibu Andrea and Nita picked me up and we took Nita to Blue line CTA train station. Ibu Andrea took me to Ibu Imelda’s house to have ‘nasi kuning’ (yellow rice) for the even of baby shower of Freida, a friend of them. She is in 7 months pregnancy that is a custom here to celebrate this baby shower. All of the guests are female and I am the only male guest over there. It’s a privilege for me as a male one to come at this informal party to see Freida opened the gifts for her first future baby. A quarter to two, Andrea took me home at the Alexian Brothers because I would attend the farewell party of Brother Philip Kennedy at the conference room of ABMC. My gratitude to Ibu Andrea and Ibu Imelda who invited me to come to this lunch, special menu of Indonesian food. I enjoyed this food especially the hot spicy sauce and ‘nasi kuning Manado.’ As I came out of the brothers’ house there was a guest who also wanted to come to Brother Philip’s party. He’s Michael Fox who lives in Schaumburg. He’s a classmate of Brother James Darby at novitiate, some 50 years ago in Signal Mountain, Tennessee. Together with him, I came to the party. Since Philip was a CEO at ABMC and after stroke, he retired, so many guests came to say goodbye for him. He’s 77 years old who always likes to make joke and talkative to many people. He graduated of Yale University before became the CEO for a quite number of years at ABMC. He’s the one who always treats me to go eat out for Saturday morning breakfast together with Brother Ronald (90 years old). They appreciate my accompaniment to them. Actually, I told them that this morning I would not got with them to eat out because my friend would pick me up at 11.30 for lunch. Then Philip persuaded me to go with them because they would return home before 11.30. To see his generosity and also because on Monday, August 15 he’s going to leave for Signal Mountain, so I changed my mind, and follow them.
At 5 p.m. I accompanied Michael Fox to leave the conference room because he is not familiar of this place. I did ironing my clothes and took a rest for a while. At 7.30 p.m. I did the final evaluation of the CPE program and typed this journal.

Sunday, August 14, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 7.30 then after took shower, and prayed personally at the chapel, at 9.30 a.m. Ibu Andrea picked me up and we went to her house, about 15 minutes away from here. At 10 a.m. Ibu Imelda with her van car picked us (Cicilia, Nita, Ibu Andrea and I) up to go to Saint Therese School to attend the Indonesian Mass. The Mass was started about at 11.30 a.m. presided by Father Edi, osc and some 45 fellows came. We celebrated this Mass at the school because the church was used for Saint Rocco celebration. After enjoying the lunch (sayur asam and chicken cooked by Ibu Imelda cs) and hospitality, we left for home. Once again with the kindness and generosity of Ibu Imelda and Ibu Andrea, I could go back home at the Alexian Brothers house and arrived at 2.10 p.m. I could take a nap for a while and at 5 p.m. together with the brothers I prayed the evening prayer led by Brother Valentino. My heartfelt thanks I impart to both of them. With Brothers Victor and Eugene, I had supper at the cafeteria and at the house we (Brothers Ted, Val, Felix, Victor and Eugene plus me) had ice cream cake given by Aileen, an old lady who likes to attend the Mass at the hospital. It’s been a great day for me to relax and meet Indonesian friends and hang out with the brothers. In the evening I type my final evaluation of the CPE program for this coming Tuesday.

Denny Wahyudi (the end of July 2005)
Reflection on the book entitled Hope in Pastoral Care and Counseling
by Andrew Lester.

In my experience having hope is a nice thing because I have many things to look forward in my future. When I was a kid, I had a hope to get graduated from my school and work to live by myself. Afterward, I had a hope to become priest and eventually I did enter the Xaverian Missionaries after having worked for three years. My hope then continues time by time and until now I still have great hope to finish all of my theology studies in two years and get ordained in priesthood. My hope is not finished with the priesthood ordination but I still have a hope to be a missionary in Japan. The closest hope I have now is to finish my CPE summer unit then continue my M.Div program in one year and look forward my May 2006 graduation then take vacation to Indonesia in the summer 2006. What wonderful hopes I have planned since some months ago and now still I have these hopes to be accomplished step-by-step accordingly. Lester writes that our finite hope grows out of our experience of God’s love. "Our security is in the relationship and not the particular events" (66). It is true that I put my hopes in certain events and possibilities ahead of me that I plan beforehand as I elaborate above. If I only put these hopes in my own criteria and expectation that all of them should happen, I will feel frustrated very easily when one or more hopes fail to happen. As a Christian I should put my hopes in God’s plan and will. Let my hopes to be happened in God’s will. God is in the process of my human hopes. God is the only one who can make my hopes to be transfinite hope in the future. Again Lester pointed out, "Transfinite hope inspires and motivates because it acknowledges a future that goes beyond our finite vision" (67). I realize that sometimes I put my hopes only in my merely plan and eagerness, not transcend them in God’s plan. I think often times that if I can fulfill my planning hopes in the future, I will gain satisfaction. In fact, every time I gain my hope that I have planned, I still feel some degrees of incomplete satisfaction. Instead, when I put my planning hopes in God’s will in the transcendence ways, whatever the results of my hopes, I do not feel satisfied or unsatisfied but in God’s plan I just surrender in what’s happening in reality. My vision to gain my hopes is limited in my temporary perception but in God’s hands I totally should give up my own ever-changing idea to be fulfilled.

"When there is no more future story, life becomes scary and one despairs" (75). Often times when I visited elderly patients in my clinical visits, they have satisfaction in many years of life but they do not have more future hope in future story. They tend to be pessimistic and desperate to see their future story. They are often times saying ready to die soon because they have gained enough years living in the world. Once I met one 89 years old who said that he is ready to die with his cancer that is just found in the diagnosis. He does not want to have chemotherapy and he just wants to be naturally die slowly or soon. I don’t know what his daughter is going to say to him. For me as a chaplain facing such situation, sometimes, I admire his decision but at the same time I should give support to the patient to have hope in his future life to create new future story. Once I met a 48 years old lady who is very sad because the doctors couldn’t figure out the cause of fluid in her stomach, she just gave up to God to die soon if she has to die and not wants dying slowly. She asked me, "How about if God doesn’t help me?" I could see on her face how desperate she has to face this difficult situation. What I said to her is that she still has faith to hope in God’s will. God is always with us but we don’t know what God wants to our life. As a chaplain, I found very difficult to bear with the patient. I don’t know exactly what words appropriately to be spoken to her but I believe my presence in daily basis in visiting her, is a giving hope that she could feel and take the advantage even though she was still in very deep frustration. Her hope is uttered to me by asking prayer for her even asked me my e-mail address. "People can ‘catch’ the atmosphere of hoping from the pastoral caregiver and the people of God with whom they get involved" (99). I don’t know if I was acting as a caregiver toward this patient who was desperately facing her incertitude destiny of her unpredictable sickness. Her acceptance and welcome to me are signs that she put her hope in me as the caregiver, even in fact she asked me to give my address and eventually I gave her my e-mail address, is a sign that she needs more care of the chaplain/caregiver. I don’t what to do when she has to move to other hospital. I was just thinking that my formal to her finished because she would no more be here. But, in fact, with my attention and presence in her life during her stay at this hospital, I have given her hope that is still difficult to be understood in her situation. My promise to pray for her is one thing that I can do in this moment after I am not seeing her at this hospital. To some patients whom I visited, normally I said to them that I would see them again in the spirit, the spirit who prays together with us. Most likely I would never meet them again in this world but with my prayers that are helped by the Holy Spirit, I meet them again.

Lester points out that according to Stephen Crites, "for persons to be happy and hopeful, that is, to have a deep sense of joy and well-being, they must have ‘psychic strength,’ which includes both a strong sense of self-identity, rooted in the past, and an equally strong power of self-transcendence, directed toward the future. This strength must be concentrated in the present, which is the point of tension between self-identity and self-transcendence" (77). Often times I meet elderly people especially men who have strong signs what Lester says above. I could see on them that they have inside happiness and joy. They have positive welcoming to others and it seems to me that they don’t have too much complaint to others. They just enjoy and smile most of the time. Then, I come to quick assumption that to get old age, one should have inner joy and happiness. From the face we can see the state of one’s heart and disposition. It does make sense to me: if one only has grief as the basic points of daily life, it is very easy to get old and sick. Instead, if one is always grateful to his life and transcend them in God’s will, I believe he/she shall have good health, at least in mind and heart positively. I am very impressed by the memory of the elderly I met in this CPE program. In their 90’s years old, they still have clear and sharp memory/mind and they speak fluently. Their faces are not like their age. They look younger than their age. Probably I see them like in 60-70’s. Their mind, soul and spirit are still young but their physical body decreasing gradually. To see them in my experience, I just want to identify myself to their personality: to be easy going, not too much worry about my future, to be open to others, smile and make life simple and of course make peace in my own heart and toward others. I want to be like them in their wisdom and their age, in 90’s or more, of course. My age is one third of theirs, so I have hope in the future to live two third of my life ahead. Isn’t it a projective hope that I can have now?

According to Lester, Victor Frankl points out, "many prisoners in the concentration camp died not from violence, disease, or hunger, but from giving up hope" (83). In the suffering people tend to desperately die soon without enduring long agony. Those who have strong and depth inner power, they can creatively exist and have hope in desperation situation. In the middle of desperation they face, they still have little hope to continue their lives. I can see in many people who used to have good life economically and suddenly when a disaster strikes them they couldn’t stand and revive easily. They tend to stay in depression and be ashamed to renew their spirit. If it continues severely, no wonder they have lack of confidence and self-reliance then gradually have altered mental status and become crazy gradually. I see some figures in my real life in this regard. I admired a lot to my father who has strong inner struggle in his life. His example in living many different ups and downs situation draw me to follow his example in positive sense. I believe it is not easy to live in one period of time with more than enough treasure and suddenly he had to live in desperate situation economically, mentally and many other ‘lys’ that struck his stability. Most likely if he didn’t have enough inner strength and power (not necessarily religion or belief or faith in God), he would collapse quickly. But, thanks God, in reality, he could stand up again, restart and renew again his life. Maybe people see him as a bad person, a bad example for his five children in many ways but people don’t see this positive aspect of his life. As his oldest son, I can see and feel this strong example that I should keep in mind. No wonder if we, his five children, do live accordingly, as he always commands to us, to be much better than he has. If he has a habit of gambling, he strongly forbids us to follow his step. Even, he prohibited us to smoke like he did. People don’t see that he has strong education to his children. He gave us full responsibility to our future. It seems to me that he didn’t give love care that I feel lack of it and he only gave material things so that we can grow maturely. Even sometimes the material things he gave were not limited. As a person who has this experience, I can be very grateful to this life giving experience through my father with his positive and negative aspects. I think if I only have nice and positive experience in my life, I don’t have experience to face challenge that always come in my life. So, I think I could take advantage with my past life that give me a lot of ‘pearls’ lessons so that I can live out my present life in the big hope of promised future. People outside tend to see the negative things of my father and not to see this positive side. People always admire him that all of his children do live in healthy way, even one, that is me, studying and living out religious life and becoming a priest. I learn a lot of my father’s struggle and his inner power to remain strong lives out this hard life in spite of his weakness as a human being. So that it becomes true that "Hope provides the courage to face whatever chaos and trauma life throws at us. Hope does not try to avoid the pain of finite existence nor is it naïve about suffering" (85).

"An appropriate response to reality is to look for the signs of providence within the everyday happenings of our lives. These blessings can be found even in the midst of the traumas and tragedies that tempt us to despair" (88). I wonder to some people who never see the good things in their life but always fall in negative side as if there is no more hope. I become more wonder when I try to see the good things in the desperation of one’s life and my colleagues said that I am too easy to get there. I am to quick finding out God’s love in time of mourning. What should I do in the time of agony? Should I stick on this situation and not to move in positive hope or at least I attempt to see what lesson in God’s side that maybe I find difficult to get? My master of novice who says that once in a while we need come back to ‘visitatio amoris’ (the visit of love) in both of positive and negative experience in the past. We ask in this visit of love, where God was present there and what God gives me message now based on those experiences. I think it is similar with reflection and meditation with content of our past experience. People who are always busy only with the recent activities and try to be busy with many other activities in the future without stop for a while to see and step back on his/her life and reflect upon it then give meaning on it, they are really lazy fellows. To enter in silent moment and reflect on the past experiences are difficult if we are not used to do it. For me to do daily journaling and writing such this reflection requires perseverance and denial to many other temptations surrounds me. The temptation I often find is to postpone this reflection and put myself in lazy activity such as watching TV, killing time with my imagination about my future, sleeping more than I need, using Internet or e-mail more than I am supposed to be, etc. Coming back to first sentence at this paragraph, I am grateful to my life pictures in my family, my environment, my working experience, and my formation journey in the Xaverian Missionaries. I have a lot of memories to be reflected and continue to gain meaning of them. Not all of these life experiences are nice or positive, but always alternated by negative and dark sides that tested me to be stronger facing new hard tragedies.