4) 22nd Sunday in Ordinary Time, August 28, 2005
I would like to share my summer experience through my albums of pictures (there are two albums that each consists of 80-83 pictures) I store at Shutterfly. May you open and just click as follows:
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Monday, August 22, 2005.
In the morning we as community left for retreat at Portiuncula retreat house at Frankfort, Illinois. The retreat was guided by a Franciscan sister from India named Corina. She shared her wisdom about Chakra. We’re Father Rocco and 8 students (Alejandro, me, Ignas, Dharmawan, Pascal Atumisi, Harno, Valery and Francois). The second day of retreat came to this place as well OMI students and two formators to have their community meeting. On Friday we had Mass together to close our retreat and their meeting. As usual, after finishing the retreat we had supper at Northwood Restaurant, nearby the retreat house.
For me this retreat is very great because I could rest most of the time. Sister Corina gave one hour a day for input and the rest we did personal prayer and reflection. For the first three nights, we shared our summer experiences in the evening. I felt that the days of this retreat were very fast. I spent enough time to sleep after doing 11-week CPE that I never had enough time to sleep.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005.
Retreat….
Wednesday, August 24, 2005.
Retreat….
Thursday, August 25, 2005.
Retreat….
Friday, August 26, 2005.
Retreat…..we returned to our home at Hyde Park….
Saturday, August 27, 2005.
At 9.30 a.m. to 5 p.m. we as Xaverian theology community have community project of life meeting for new academic year 2005-2006 at our own house at Hyde Park. We continue this meeting till next week….
Sunday, August 28, 2005.
This morning Harno and I attended the morning Mass at Saint Thomas the Apostle Church. After back home, I did clean the basement, the second and third floor plus cooking for community supper. This time I cooked pork soup (sayur asin babi) and rice. Today also Father Rocco took the three new theology students: Harno, Valery and Francois to go to downtown Chicago till late evening.
In the evening I got a phone call from Cik Ana in Orlando-Florida. She asked me whether I have a friend in Houston-Texas. Finally, I checked the Indonesian Catholic Community of Houston on the Internet and I found one Indonesian priest whom I met two years ago and noted his phone number. I called him up and he gave me the phone number of the leader of Indonesian Catholic Group in Houston. Eventually, I could contact him and told Cik Ana about this contact person. In the evening after supper Father Willy, sx moved back to CTU building to continue his study at IRF.
Pictures from denny wahyudi
Most of these pictures are about my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) during summer 2005 at ABMC (A ... more
From:
denny wahyudi
(1 of 83 pictures)
Pictures from denny wahyudi
From:
denny wahyudi
(1 of 80 pictures)
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Sunday, August 21, 2005
3rd letter of August 2005
3) 21st Sunday in Ordinary Time, August 21, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005.
After the Morning prayer at 6.15, the brothers gave farewell greeting to Brother Philip (77) who departs today to Signal Mountain, Tennessee. After all the brothers left the chapel, I said good bye to Brother Philip and I always remember his kindness to me and his last words to me, “You’re…easy person..” He’s the one who always likes to treats me to have morning breakfast on Saturday morning. He’s a good friend of Brother Ronald (90) and both are going to miss each other. They like to tease each other. The CPE program today was for clinical visit. I did visit at 3 West, 6 West and ICU/CCU including communion. At 11 a.m. to 11.45 a.m. at Roncoli Center, I had evaluation meeting with my CPE supervisors, Digna and James plus my mentor at 3 West, namely, Deacon Dave. Overall, his evaluation is fine to me. I am grateful to his kindness for this evaluation and his mentoring for this past two months at 3 West unit, the neuroscience unit. Once again I heard of the testimony of a chaplain that I have an easiness to be treated as a student. Both Dave and Brother Philip, at least today, gave me good remark to continue my journey in my vocation toward missionary-religious-priest. After lunch, I visited again my unit at 6 West and I met one patient lady who had been at this unit a couple of weeks ago. She was grateful that finally there’s no cancer in her body. One 80years old Polish descent lady told me many things about her family especially her grief toward her daughter-in-law who doesn’t cook and things that need to be done as a wife. She lives with her only son and her at the same house. I tried to be patient listening to her story. She thought that I am an American….”No, I’m an Indonesian.” She tried to pronounce ‘Indonesia’ but difficult to repeat correctly. It seems that she never heard of this name. In the afternoon I called up Hyde Park and Ignas has come today in Chicago after having vacation in Indonesia for 2.5 months. I attended the Mass at 5.30 presided by Father Stan, an Indian priest then had supper with the brothers. Before the Mass started, one old lady who likes to attend this daily Mass invited me to come out of the chapel and asked me favor to pray for his son whose alcoholic problem and she wishes so that he will convert soon and his wife would not divorce him. I don’t know why she asked me to pray for his son. It’s a sign that others see me as a man of prayer because they know that I’m a seminarian and religious and in the Mass I tried to remember this intention even in my rosary prayer before rest at night I remembered this old lady’s intention. At 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. together with Brother Eugene, I was watching TV, Hallmark Channel a movie entitled “A man who became a Pope.” It’s about the story of Pope John Paul II. It’s a wonderful film and well done story to strengthen the vocation to priesthood, at least I could feel it. Brother Eugene admired this movie, “well done.”
Tuesday, August 16, 2005.
I woke up in the morning, took shower and prayed the Morning prayer with the brothers at 6.15 a.m., had breakfast and printed out my 6 pages final evaluation of the CPE program. I called up the Xaverians at Hyde Park and talked to Father Victor and Ignas, inviting them to come to my farewell supper with the Alexian Brothers on Thursday. At 8 a.m. at the CPE program we started morning devotion and report by Linda. We had final evaluation of the CPE summer unit started by Eric then me till noon. What I challenge to my colleagues is mindful about time especially on time coming to morning devotion at 8 a.m. How difficult it is to be on time at this morning session with many excuses especially distant place to reach here and commuting plus traffic issue. It is difficult if I compare to myself who stay here and just come to CPE by walking. Overall, the final evaluation is fine.
We (James, Dave and I) had lunch at the cafeteria in good conversation about my experience staying with the Alexian Brothers here then I visited some patients and gave communion at 3 West, 6 West plus 6 East (communion). Some interesting experiences today are: one Mexican patient man whose kidney stone was accompanied by his wife, an American together with their three children (kids). After I gave communion with Spanish prayer then, the little girl came to me asking whether she could receive communion. She asked what is communion. I guess she was told by his older brother (12) who received communion with his father. I asked her age and she replied, 7 years old. The other blond little girl told me that this little sister has not received yet the first communion. Then, I told her that she needs one more year to receive first communion. She asked me what communion is then I explained her little bit. I was amazed seeing this kids walking around the hospital and I saw them at the chapel attending Mass without their mother. They way they received communion it seems to me that they don’t have good education or preparation how the proper hands to take communion. Again the youngest girl came to have communion and I approached her not to take it because she has not received first communion yet. Their oldest brother after taking the blood of Christ was not seriously choking and laughing all the way coming back to his seat at the back.
Another patient is an Italian old man who was accompanied by his daughter. They accepted me very well and moreover they talked more when I said that I am a seminarian of the Xaverian Missionaries from Parma, Italy. I said, “Io parlo Italiano un po.” They have a sort of respect to religious or priests because the wife of this patient has a family who is a bishop in Italy. I offered him Italian prayer tomorrow when I bring communion for him and he’s very glad to know that I can recite the Italian prayer at least Our Father and Hail Mary. His daughter asked many questions as well about myself and we had nice conversation. I wore a gown and glove because the patient has contagious skin disease.
I met two young girl patients, namely, one Islam Palestinian that was born in the USA and the other one is an American Caucasian who just came today at 11 a.m. I offered spiritual well-beings to them and they appreciated. So far in my experience here, youth don’t ask spiritual needs but elderly.
One old lady whose name I am familiar with, was at the isolation room and she was here a couple of weeks ago and she still recognized me. I offered her communion but she wanted tomorrow then I offered her prayer and she agreed. I visited and prayed with some patients who are not Catholic and giving communion to some Catholic patients.
I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel at 5.30 led by Father Andrew then had supper with the brothers. Coming back to my room, I spent my time to read a Catholic bulletin, Our Sunday Visitor (OSV) and typed this journal. My supervisor, Digna in the final evaluation this morning admired my perseverance to type my daily experience that sometimes I take some of it to be my weekly journal. She was plainly saying that she is jealous to see my faithfulness to do it; she used to do it as well. One day in the class she ever mentioned about exercise of talking to oneself. It is a sort of therapy to motivate oneself. It seems like a crazy one who talks to oneself but actually it is very helpful for her as she witnessed in the class. I don’t know if it is fit for me because I feel comfortable using this journaling method to envoy or reflect my daily experience.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 5.35 a.m., took shower then prayed the morning prayer with the brothers and had breakfast with them. At 8 a.m. Digna led the morning devotion and report by Sandy. In the CPE program we had final evaluation of Dirk then Annie (while Eric went home because of sick; his face looked very pale). We were done at 12.30 p.m. and I had lunch at the cafeteria with James, the CPE supervisor. At 1.10 p.m. I visited patients at 6 W and 3 W.
One Afro-American man in my primary unit was happily telling his story in his church, the Bible Church and he gave me the bulletin of his church. I asked him of favorite verses of the Bible and he shared with me and I shared my favorite one as well. It’s long conversation regards Bible and faith experience.
Like yesterday I met one young girl and I offered spiritual needs but she didn’t really need. Instead the elderly people whom I visited today, most of them respected my visit and liked to talk more to me. Even one lady was very grateful that she felt my presence with her during the last days she considered helping her healing. She told her roommate about it. After I prayed with her and gave communion, she told me that she is going to discharge and lives in a nursing home. She put one-dollar bill in my pocket saying that it’s for coffee. How I denied her kindness and gratitude I don’t know. It’s kind of dilemmatic issue that I’m supposed not take money from the patient but at the other side I don’t want make the patient offended.
One Italian patient whom I promised to pray in Italian, he was accompanied by his wife whose a cousin a bishop in Italy. They were very glad and talkative to me. They asked many things about their practical faith both in the USA and Italy. I had nice conversation quite a while with them and at the end the wife took money from her purse and gave to me. It happened again today that I couldn’t refuse their intention to support missionaries. They are very respectful to missionaries work and I told them that I belong to the Xaverian Missionaries of Parma, Italy. It’s a common ground to make my visit and conversation flowing. Once in a while they spoke Italian to me but unfortunately I didn’t reply fluently but at least I read the prayer in Italian fluently and they were very glad to hear my Italian reading that was very good according to them. I guess my Italian accent is in Javanese style but actually I like to read in Italian trying to be like Italian.
One old woman was very glad and thankful for my visit. Even though she’s not Catholic but she appreciated my presence to her. I told her that most of the time I have connection more to elderly patients especially women rather than young ones. They remind me always to my grandmothers. After she felt happy she asked more about my identity and I shared my story being a chaplain, seminarian and future missionary priest. It’s quite often happened in my relationship with elderly women patients and I asked them to pray for me so that my dream becomes true in the future such as to be a faithful priest and going to mission………always I say to JAPAN. When I said it to the Italian patient they didn’t get it then I said loudly and clearly in Italian, “GIAPPONE” then they could understand and asked more about it.
In the evening I attended the Mass at 5.30 p.m. and had supper with the brothers while Dirk was on-call tonight. After going home, Brother Ronald invited me to go to the largest mall in this area, and the second largest in the USA, named Woodfield Mall, not that far from here. Brother Victor took us to go to this place. I told them that I am not amazed to see malls because I have seen it a lot in Indonesia especially in Jakarta. Even the architecture of malls in Jakarta is more than here. There are many common things about the mall culture here in the USA and Indonesian regards the pop culture, fashion and teenagers. What they use here most likely in Indonesia as well the teenagers use it. As I saw accessories of cell phone at this mall, I told them even my niece, 10 years old who lives in a small town (Ponorogo) already has a cell phone with price almost $ 200. Even though I don’t have enthusiasm to visit this mall but I appreciate to the kindness of Brother Ronald who has promised me to go to this place before I leave on Saturday.
After arrived home at 8 p.m. I telephoned to my oldest sister, Yenny in Ponorogo whose birthday today (34). She is in Yogyakarta taking vacation with her family so that I called her up to her cell phone. I called up my second sister whose 1.5 months old baby in Jakarta but she’s sleeping and her first daughter, Kezia (6) answered my phone. It’s nice to hear her voice and I asked some questions to her and she likes to talk to me. She could say in English one, two, three, and so on. She goes to first grade at public primary school in the afternoon at 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. She is taught religion teaching of Islam because in this public school there is no Christian teacher. This family of my sister is the poorest economically compares to my other siblings. My siblings once in a while help my second sister sending money or other things. Even though poor but I believe that this family has rich love especially I can see in the voice of the children, my niece, Kezia. I promised her that next year I would see her and buy something for her. They live in Cipulir, Jakarta. I feel that she is the only niece who talks more than the others, at least through telephone. I called up to my other family just to keep in touch and there is a good news that the husband of my cousin has been baptized last Sunday. It’s the family where I lived for a month for the first time I came to Jakarta in 1993 before I got a job. They live in Cibubur, Jakarta. The teacher of their youngest child is the sister of Ignatius, named Lusi. Ignatius’ sister told them that Ignatius would go back to Chicago in August. I told her that I don’t need anything from Indonesia because here I have enough things.
Thursday, August 18, 2005.
This morning I woke up earlier as usual at 5 a.m., took shower, read a book of Henry Nouwen then prayed the morning prayer with the brothers at the chapel at 6.15 a.m., had breakfast with the brothers. In the breakfast, Brother Tom, the president of the Alexian Health System was joining us and having nice conversation with me. It’s unusual that he was having breakfast and sitting with us, normally he has breakfast and watches TV in the other room by himself. I don’t know if he expressed his hospitality to me since I am going to leave on Saturday. I feel very much being accepted by him since he’s always sitting beside me in the chapel and I see his hospitality to me. He’s the top leader of all the Alexian Health System, so I am very honored to be known by him personally, especially living together in the Alexian Brothers’ community for 11 weeks.
In the CPE program, we as the CPE summer students had meeting of program evaluation with Beth, Dave and Rosemary. We evaluated the process of the CPE program especially the role of the supervisors. Overall, it’s very nice and challenging experience in the summer with some insights and suggestions of us as students. At 11 a.m. to 12.30 p.m. we had last group meeting with our supervisors, Digna and James. We shared our feeling and blessing each other. It’s a quite touching moment for all of us who have been meeting regularly for the last 11 weeks at this CPE summer unit at the ABMC. Tears, laughing, deep reflection, wishing the best to each other, blessing shared, and united in the spirit, we ended the CPE summer unit 2005. It’s raining while we had this meeting.
At 1 p.m. I had lunch at the cafeteria then visited some patients at 6 W, 3 W and communion as well at 6 E. I met one Vietnamese lady who just came this afternoon and she knows some SVDs’ priests even she has family member who becomes an SVD. I was told by a nurse that one 94 years old patient would leave and I met him and prayed with him. I was amazed that he still remembered my name even though I didn’t visit him for a quite while. I met an Afro-American lady who is Christian and she was appreciating my visit and prayer. One Italian descent lady who was at my unit came back again to my unit and she was very happy to see me again. I said prayer in Italian and often times she touched me expressing her gratitude. I said prayer in Italian and gave her communion. One man from Cuba who speaks little English and more Spanish was very glad when I came to visit him and offering communion. He spoke all the time in Spanish because I said that I speak little Spanish (Hablo Espanol un poquito). Even though I didn’t get all his sayings but I nodded to affirm his story. I heard him with my gesture and heart in compassionate manner as much as I could do.
At 3 West I visited one patient from Poland who has been living in the USA for 3.5 years. He was drunk and sometimes didn’t know some words in English. He didn’t know the word ‘prayer’ then I showed him a Hail Mary prayer in Polish and I recited it for him and he remembered and prayed it. It’s wonderful to see this patient knew what I mean by ‘prayer.’ He claimed as a Catholic and wants communion tomorrow. At the same unit, I visited a man whose altered mental status. He appreciated my visit and I offered him prayer because he doesn’t want communion even though on the list he requires communion. He was willing to tell me a lot of stories of his life then he asked my story and identity. I was amazed to see patients who were suffering but they still gave best wishes to me in my journey toward a missionary-religious-priest.
At 5 p.m. I was at the hospital chapel waiting for my Xaverian confreres came. They finally came at 5.10 p.m. from Hyde Park. They are Fathers Rocco, Victor and Ignatius. We celebrated the Mass at 5.30 presided by a Polish priest, Andrew then we had farewell dinner at the brothers’ dining room special for me who is going to leave on Saturday noon. They were a lot of food including cake with my name on it. Once again it’s a privilege and grace that I have this summer and once again provided by the Alexian Brothers. Brother Val was busy encouraging me to take the rest of the cake to be brought to my community. Even he took picture of me with the cake using my camera. There was Brother Joseph who just came from Hungary. He and Brother Ted came late from the airport and joined us in the supper. Linda, the on-call chaplain was present as well both in the chapel and the supper. It’s a special moment for me so she came to join us. After the supper ended, I showed my Xaverian confreres to see the brothers’ garden behind the residence. We had nice evening before the shrine of Mary our Lady in the garden accompanied by Brother Ronald (90), my best friend who always treats me to go somewhere like yesterday he took me to the second largest mall in the USA, namely, Woodfield Mall. At 8.15 p.m. they left for Hyde Park and Ignas will pick me up on Saturday noon to return to my seminary in Hyde Park, the Xaverian Missionaries. I did ironing my clothes and typed this journal even though I was bit tired of the day.
Friday, August 19, 2005.
As usual I attended the morning prayer, breakfast and CPE morning devotion led by Deacon Dave and report by Linda Rump while Dirk came with his fiancé, named Jill. I did my clinical visit at 6 West and 3 West. At 11.10 a.m. at the hospital chapel we had graduation celebration of our CPE summer unit for 11 weeks. Formally, I have completed my immersion subject of my M.Div program so that hopefully next year in May I graduate. We shared our last reflection and I uttered my deep gratitude to everybody at this CPE summer program. I shared it as well at the end of this journal. At noon we had lunch together celebrating this graduation at Brothers’ dinning room. Afterward, I did my on-call duty till tomorrow morning. Together with Father Stan, I visited a lady whose miscarriage of 4 months. She only speaks Spanish and she’s at Day Surgery. I visited again the rest of patients at 6 W and 3 E. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass and continued by supper with the brothers and this time there were only few brothers coming because some of them they had other activities. After finished supper, I got a page of a patient at 3 West and the nurse told me that the patient needs support and she mentioned a patient name whom I am very familiar with. I have known her since 8 weeks ago. I did visit her. She’s an Indian old lady who has been here for one week and now she has cancer spreads all over her body. She looked very sad and silently ate her supper as I entered her room. I was present with her and she still recognized me. Even she still keeps my rosary I gave her some weeks ago. I uttered my heart voice that it’s a sort of closing meeting with her. I was amazed that at the end of my day at this CPE program, I could meet her again. I felt that God made it happen. She’s the one whom I made my first Verbatim. I gave her support and prayer so that she would have peace to endure her sickness. She will have chemotherapy this coming Monday. She was feeling alone because everyday she is visited by a chaplain who gives communion but not stay talking to her. So, I did what she needs, just being present with her and trying to bear with her. I’m grateful to this event. The first becomes the last and the last becomes the first. This patient is always in my memory as I continue my journey.
I made round to visit Hospice in the evening and before that I came to my primary unit at 6 W to say goodbye to some nurses and staffs because tomorrow I am going to leave. One patient whom I met was struck me because she was impressed by my voice in the beginning she was at this hospital. She met me here three times but she still remembers me. Honestly, I told her that I’m not sure remembering her maybe because I didn’t see her quite often. She gave me confirmation that I am doing good care of others that she has been feeling. She wished me to be a good minister of others.
In the hospice I met a family who were in the waiting room. They told me that I might see the patient. I have conversation with them. They were an old lady whose husband at the hospice, the fifth floor and their daughter plus their grandson who studies at minor seminary named Saint Loren close to Detroit, Michigan. I prayed with the patient and the family and gave them communion. They told me that the one who studies at the minor seminary has a friend who is from Jakarta, Indonesia.
Nearly to 11 p.m. I was going to bed and I had restful sleep…..
Saturday, August 20, 2005.
My pager was beeping at 00.15 in the middle of the night. I answered this call and went directly to Emergency Room. There was an 81 years old lady who had been intubated and there were with her three persons. I was present with them in their mourning situation. Afterward, there was raining and lightning. I kept remain with them and I was doubt to say prayer because I didn’t see that the patient would expire. She was still breathing and once in a while her eyes open. They family kept talking to the patient. Finally after almost two hours, the patient was brought to 4th floor and I continued to follow them. The patient was conscious again and I offered prayer and talked to her. It’s a little bit long hour in this last on-call I had. I was grateful to have this 3 hours experience because to see the good sign of the patient and also the acceptance of the family toward me. I left them at 3 a.m. and came back to my room at 5th floor. I could sleep about three hours and at 6.30 a.m. I took shower and went to Roncoli Center while the day was still raining little bit. I had breakfast at the cafeteria and said my personal prayer at the chapel. At 10 to 8 o’clock, I got a page from Hospice asking prayer for an expired patient. I went there and said prayer with the family. The patient was an old lady who is Lutheran. At 8.30 a.m. I met Annie, my classmate who was waiting for me at the cafeteria and I told her about my on-call report today and passed my on-call duty to her. I’m done with my chaplaincy at this moment at ABMC. I came back to Brothers’ house and Brothers Ronald, Victor and Joseph invited me to go to eat out at a pancake restaurant. I had waffle. It’s my last breakfast with them. After coming back to brothers’ house, I was packing my things that finished at noon. After resting for a while, I came down to the brothers’ dinning room and being with them and waiting for my Xaverian confreres came to pick me up. I also have submitted all things I have been given by the spiritual department during my CPE students. I put all of these at the table of Theresia, the secretary of the Spiritual care department at Roncoli Center. They were a blue coat, key of Roncoli Center, a pager, my name ID, bar code for dinner, and green book prayer. I left the office officially. I met Brother Zeke at the garden and I gave him my Thank You card and a reflection that I uttered at my CPE graduation. I gave him as well my sexuality paper I made last January 2005. I shared it as well to Brother Eugene. Before I left, the brothers have read my reflection that was posted at the announcement board at their kitchen by Brother Zeke.
About at a quarter to two p.m. the bell was rung and directly I came to open the door. Ignas, Dharmawan and Harno came to pick me up. They helped me carry my suitcase and bags. My farewell embracing hugs to some Alexian Brothers I expressed to Brothers Felix, Ronald, Victor, Tom, James Darby, Valentino and Eugene. I was feeling supported deeply by all of them and they convinced me to come next time and I have place there. The president of the Alexian Health System, Brother Tom, told me that I am welcomed anytime if I need a job to be a chaplain there. They wished me the best and I hope I can invite them in my important events next year in 2006, namely my perpetual vows and deaconate ordination.
We went to Nita’s house and to Ibu Imelda’s house. I saw the deep dedication effort of Imelda, Paolo, her husband and Ibu Andrea who were waiting for the garage sale for PWKI’s social program. Ibu Imelda served us lunch, Indonesian food, especially, hot sauce. About at 4 p.m. we left for downtown Chicago. After difficult to find parking spot, we decided not to watch movie but eating ice cream at Ghirardeli. We savored the ice cream outside while the aroma of horses’ dirt came to hit our noses. We’re four Xaverian Indonesian students, Binsar, Robert and Nita. After I drank cappuccino ice, my stomach was upset and we decided to go home to Hyde Park. Thanks God that I could make it after arriving to the Xaverian House. I went to restroom until three times because I had stomach upset.
I unpacked all things I have after coming back from the CPE. I found new COMMIX, edition of July 2005 at my mailbox and I read it enthusiastically and curiously as usual. I got a postcard from Lourdes, Paris from Mother Oey. It’s beautiful pictures of Pope John Paul II in the shrine of Lady of Lourdes both his young and old ages. My heartfelt thanks to you, Mother Oey whom I believe for sure that you prayed and remembered me when you’re visiting this holy place. Hopefully, next time I have chance to see and visit this famous shrine in France. I went to bed at almost 1 o’clock in the morning.
Sunday, August 21, 2005.
I woke up at 6 a.m. and took shower then prayed the morning prayer at the chapel with Father Victor, Harno, Valery and Francois. We went to the Mass at 8 a.m. at St. Thomas Church. After coming back to home, I have deep sharing with Valery in the kitchen about many things especially to be a Xaverian student here in the USA with my ups and downs experience. At noon I was typing this journal and trying to be faithful to this habit. I got from Ignas who just came back from Indonesia, my white habit that I wore first time entering my novitiate year in 1997 in Bintaro, Indonesia. I asked him to bring it because I feel it’s very proper if I wear it again in my perpetual vows as I pray and hope happen next year, maybe in March 2006? I got from him as well Indonesian ingredients to cook. One Sunday school teacher from Mangga Besar parish in Jakarta, named Nini gave me a package consists of some pictures of John Paul II, a letter telling the activities of Sunday school children whose program to help out the needy children surround them. I appreciate their social awareness that is planted to the youth and children…Bravo! Thank you for all support, remembrance and your gifts to me. Hopefully, I meet you next year when I am going home to Indonesia for vacation in June to August 2006. I tried to wear my white habit and it is till fit on my body. Thank you as well to Mas Aries and Mbak Theresia who have kept my white habit which I have given them before I left Indonesia in the end of 2002.
In the afternoon, I cooked for the community. I cooked beef gravy soup (semur daging) and salad with peanut dressing (pecel). Tomorrow we’re going to go to Frankport, Illinois to have community retreat till Friday.
Graduation of CPE summer unit 2005 at ABMC
Friday, 19 August 2005 (11 a.m. to 12 p.m.).
In the beginning it was DREAM and PLAN that I would go to the CPE summer unit at ABMC. Through the kindness of one Alexian Brother, named Ezekiel Mapa who is my classmate at CTU, I was allowed to have this DREAM and PLAN.
Now, this DREAM and PLAN have been accomplished. They really came true as the grace of GOD accompanies my journey for 11 weeks. A lot of stories I have summarized into words in my daily journal. A lot of memories stick on my mind and heart as I went through this program day-by-day. A lot of graces I have been given gratuitously by so many people whom I remember in my heart. Thank you, O God for these precious events that maybe only once in my life as I journey toward missionary-religious-priesthood.
Living together with the Alexian Brothers in daily lives and sharing our daily spirituality as religious is a wonderful experience I have in my life as a seminarian who have been enjoying this style of life for 9 years. The motto of the Alexian Brothers, “Caritas Christi Urget Nos” (The love of God impels us) is the same motto of the founder of my congregation in the Xaverian missionaries, the Blessed Guido Maria Conforti from Parma, Italy. With the same spirit I come and join the Alexian Brothers for my stay during my CPE summer unit. I am such as a younger brother who is welcomed by the older brothers and in fact I’m the youngest among them. Little by little I get to know the names of the brothers here who always to be part of my journey in the morning prayer and evening Mass and the suppers. I remember where they are sitting in the chapel of the brothers’ residence starting from the left wing: Brother Valentino, Daniel, Philip (who just transferred to Tennessee), John Kim, Victor Lee, Ronald, Felix, then the right wing starts with Brother James Darby, Tom, myself, Eugene, Larry, Ted, Ezekiel (Zeke), and James Klacson. My heartfelt thanks to all Alexian Brothers who have accepted me as their special guest for 11 weeks. It’s a wonderful hospitality that I would never forget in my life. I don’t know how I could express my gratitude to this special grace but I promise to see you next time at least in my prayer and memory, maybe in the events of my perpetual vows and deaconate ordination next year. You are part of the precious gifts in my priesthood formation.
In my CPE, my gratitude and appreciation to all members of Spiritual Care Department especially my supervisors, Digna and James who always accompanied me in this journey. Tears, laughing, joy, sharing, challenging, Verbatim presentation and so on are the menu I have eaten and savored gratefully. My classmates: Annie, Dirk and Eric, how wonderful it is to know and to be with you here for 11 weeks as we journey fulfilling our study in our theology schools toward ministry. Thank you for the example and care of all chaplains and staffs as they mentored me: Linda, Sandy, Dave, Rosemary, Ken, Marty, Bob, Beth, Theresia, Fathers Bill, Andrew and Stan and all resource chaplains. Your names are typed on my daily journal that would be memorable in this stage of my life.
Finally, I express my million thanks for the nice acceptance of all nurses in my primary unit 6 West, Nennete and others plus my secondary unit 3 West, Joanel and others, plus all whom I don’t know their names and their departments. For all patients that probably may reach 1,000 in number whom I have seen during my visit, I pray for all of you. I have met Jesus in your suffering toward hope in this world and future world. All of your faces I keep secret in my prayer as I promise to you to meet again in the spirit of prayer. Thanks for your acceptance and your challenge to me.
Last but not least I share my EROTIC PRAYER as I wrote it in the last of January 2005 in my study at CTU and I promised to share it to all of my classmates and supervisors:
HEALTHY HUMAN SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT FOR MINISTRY
(I-4010) J-Term 2005
O God, you are untouchable by my human senses
But you can be touched by our mind and words.
In inception you created me with loving touch of both
of my parents
In inception you created me with genital touch of my
father and mother
In inception you created me out of human passion and
intercourse
In inception you created me through penetration and
ejaculation
In inception you created me with union of her ovum and
his sperm.
I commend to your compassionate touch:
My sexual awakening,
My sexual identity as a male,
My sexual commitment as a celibate person.
At the same time I commend to you:
My spiritual awakening
My spiritual identity
My spiritual commitment,
In union with you and others toward Healthy Human
Sexual Development
Through Christ, our Master of Love and Compassion.
Amen.
Monday, August 15, 2005.
After the Morning prayer at 6.15, the brothers gave farewell greeting to Brother Philip (77) who departs today to Signal Mountain, Tennessee. After all the brothers left the chapel, I said good bye to Brother Philip and I always remember his kindness to me and his last words to me, “You’re…easy person..” He’s the one who always likes to treats me to have morning breakfast on Saturday morning. He’s a good friend of Brother Ronald (90) and both are going to miss each other. They like to tease each other. The CPE program today was for clinical visit. I did visit at 3 West, 6 West and ICU/CCU including communion. At 11 a.m. to 11.45 a.m. at Roncoli Center, I had evaluation meeting with my CPE supervisors, Digna and James plus my mentor at 3 West, namely, Deacon Dave. Overall, his evaluation is fine to me. I am grateful to his kindness for this evaluation and his mentoring for this past two months at 3 West unit, the neuroscience unit. Once again I heard of the testimony of a chaplain that I have an easiness to be treated as a student. Both Dave and Brother Philip, at least today, gave me good remark to continue my journey in my vocation toward missionary-religious-priest. After lunch, I visited again my unit at 6 West and I met one patient lady who had been at this unit a couple of weeks ago. She was grateful that finally there’s no cancer in her body. One 80years old Polish descent lady told me many things about her family especially her grief toward her daughter-in-law who doesn’t cook and things that need to be done as a wife. She lives with her only son and her at the same house. I tried to be patient listening to her story. She thought that I am an American….”No, I’m an Indonesian.” She tried to pronounce ‘Indonesia’ but difficult to repeat correctly. It seems that she never heard of this name. In the afternoon I called up Hyde Park and Ignas has come today in Chicago after having vacation in Indonesia for 2.5 months. I attended the Mass at 5.30 presided by Father Stan, an Indian priest then had supper with the brothers. Before the Mass started, one old lady who likes to attend this daily Mass invited me to come out of the chapel and asked me favor to pray for his son whose alcoholic problem and she wishes so that he will convert soon and his wife would not divorce him. I don’t know why she asked me to pray for his son. It’s a sign that others see me as a man of prayer because they know that I’m a seminarian and religious and in the Mass I tried to remember this intention even in my rosary prayer before rest at night I remembered this old lady’s intention. At 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. together with Brother Eugene, I was watching TV, Hallmark Channel a movie entitled “A man who became a Pope.” It’s about the story of Pope John Paul II. It’s a wonderful film and well done story to strengthen the vocation to priesthood, at least I could feel it. Brother Eugene admired this movie, “well done.”
Tuesday, August 16, 2005.
I woke up in the morning, took shower and prayed the Morning prayer with the brothers at 6.15 a.m., had breakfast and printed out my 6 pages final evaluation of the CPE program. I called up the Xaverians at Hyde Park and talked to Father Victor and Ignas, inviting them to come to my farewell supper with the Alexian Brothers on Thursday. At 8 a.m. at the CPE program we started morning devotion and report by Linda. We had final evaluation of the CPE summer unit started by Eric then me till noon. What I challenge to my colleagues is mindful about time especially on time coming to morning devotion at 8 a.m. How difficult it is to be on time at this morning session with many excuses especially distant place to reach here and commuting plus traffic issue. It is difficult if I compare to myself who stay here and just come to CPE by walking. Overall, the final evaluation is fine.
We (James, Dave and I) had lunch at the cafeteria in good conversation about my experience staying with the Alexian Brothers here then I visited some patients and gave communion at 3 West, 6 West plus 6 East (communion). Some interesting experiences today are: one Mexican patient man whose kidney stone was accompanied by his wife, an American together with their three children (kids). After I gave communion with Spanish prayer then, the little girl came to me asking whether she could receive communion. She asked what is communion. I guess she was told by his older brother (12) who received communion with his father. I asked her age and she replied, 7 years old. The other blond little girl told me that this little sister has not received yet the first communion. Then, I told her that she needs one more year to receive first communion. She asked me what communion is then I explained her little bit. I was amazed seeing this kids walking around the hospital and I saw them at the chapel attending Mass without their mother. They way they received communion it seems to me that they don’t have good education or preparation how the proper hands to take communion. Again the youngest girl came to have communion and I approached her not to take it because she has not received first communion yet. Their oldest brother after taking the blood of Christ was not seriously choking and laughing all the way coming back to his seat at the back.
Another patient is an Italian old man who was accompanied by his daughter. They accepted me very well and moreover they talked more when I said that I am a seminarian of the Xaverian Missionaries from Parma, Italy. I said, “Io parlo Italiano un po.” They have a sort of respect to religious or priests because the wife of this patient has a family who is a bishop in Italy. I offered him Italian prayer tomorrow when I bring communion for him and he’s very glad to know that I can recite the Italian prayer at least Our Father and Hail Mary. His daughter asked many questions as well about myself and we had nice conversation. I wore a gown and glove because the patient has contagious skin disease.
I met two young girl patients, namely, one Islam Palestinian that was born in the USA and the other one is an American Caucasian who just came today at 11 a.m. I offered spiritual well-beings to them and they appreciated. So far in my experience here, youth don’t ask spiritual needs but elderly.
One old lady whose name I am familiar with, was at the isolation room and she was here a couple of weeks ago and she still recognized me. I offered her communion but she wanted tomorrow then I offered her prayer and she agreed. I visited and prayed with some patients who are not Catholic and giving communion to some Catholic patients.
I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel at 5.30 led by Father Andrew then had supper with the brothers. Coming back to my room, I spent my time to read a Catholic bulletin, Our Sunday Visitor (OSV) and typed this journal. My supervisor, Digna in the final evaluation this morning admired my perseverance to type my daily experience that sometimes I take some of it to be my weekly journal. She was plainly saying that she is jealous to see my faithfulness to do it; she used to do it as well. One day in the class she ever mentioned about exercise of talking to oneself. It is a sort of therapy to motivate oneself. It seems like a crazy one who talks to oneself but actually it is very helpful for her as she witnessed in the class. I don’t know if it is fit for me because I feel comfortable using this journaling method to envoy or reflect my daily experience.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 5.35 a.m., took shower then prayed the morning prayer with the brothers and had breakfast with them. At 8 a.m. Digna led the morning devotion and report by Sandy. In the CPE program we had final evaluation of Dirk then Annie (while Eric went home because of sick; his face looked very pale). We were done at 12.30 p.m. and I had lunch at the cafeteria with James, the CPE supervisor. At 1.10 p.m. I visited patients at 6 W and 3 W.
One Afro-American man in my primary unit was happily telling his story in his church, the Bible Church and he gave me the bulletin of his church. I asked him of favorite verses of the Bible and he shared with me and I shared my favorite one as well. It’s long conversation regards Bible and faith experience.
Like yesterday I met one young girl and I offered spiritual needs but she didn’t really need. Instead the elderly people whom I visited today, most of them respected my visit and liked to talk more to me. Even one lady was very grateful that she felt my presence with her during the last days she considered helping her healing. She told her roommate about it. After I prayed with her and gave communion, she told me that she is going to discharge and lives in a nursing home. She put one-dollar bill in my pocket saying that it’s for coffee. How I denied her kindness and gratitude I don’t know. It’s kind of dilemmatic issue that I’m supposed not take money from the patient but at the other side I don’t want make the patient offended.
One Italian patient whom I promised to pray in Italian, he was accompanied by his wife whose a cousin a bishop in Italy. They were very glad and talkative to me. They asked many things about their practical faith both in the USA and Italy. I had nice conversation quite a while with them and at the end the wife took money from her purse and gave to me. It happened again today that I couldn’t refuse their intention to support missionaries. They are very respectful to missionaries work and I told them that I belong to the Xaverian Missionaries of Parma, Italy. It’s a common ground to make my visit and conversation flowing. Once in a while they spoke Italian to me but unfortunately I didn’t reply fluently but at least I read the prayer in Italian fluently and they were very glad to hear my Italian reading that was very good according to them. I guess my Italian accent is in Javanese style but actually I like to read in Italian trying to be like Italian.
One old woman was very glad and thankful for my visit. Even though she’s not Catholic but she appreciated my presence to her. I told her that most of the time I have connection more to elderly patients especially women rather than young ones. They remind me always to my grandmothers. After she felt happy she asked more about my identity and I shared my story being a chaplain, seminarian and future missionary priest. It’s quite often happened in my relationship with elderly women patients and I asked them to pray for me so that my dream becomes true in the future such as to be a faithful priest and going to mission………always I say to JAPAN. When I said it to the Italian patient they didn’t get it then I said loudly and clearly in Italian, “GIAPPONE” then they could understand and asked more about it.
In the evening I attended the Mass at 5.30 p.m. and had supper with the brothers while Dirk was on-call tonight. After going home, Brother Ronald invited me to go to the largest mall in this area, and the second largest in the USA, named Woodfield Mall, not that far from here. Brother Victor took us to go to this place. I told them that I am not amazed to see malls because I have seen it a lot in Indonesia especially in Jakarta. Even the architecture of malls in Jakarta is more than here. There are many common things about the mall culture here in the USA and Indonesian regards the pop culture, fashion and teenagers. What they use here most likely in Indonesia as well the teenagers use it. As I saw accessories of cell phone at this mall, I told them even my niece, 10 years old who lives in a small town (Ponorogo) already has a cell phone with price almost $ 200. Even though I don’t have enthusiasm to visit this mall but I appreciate to the kindness of Brother Ronald who has promised me to go to this place before I leave on Saturday.
After arrived home at 8 p.m. I telephoned to my oldest sister, Yenny in Ponorogo whose birthday today (34). She is in Yogyakarta taking vacation with her family so that I called her up to her cell phone. I called up my second sister whose 1.5 months old baby in Jakarta but she’s sleeping and her first daughter, Kezia (6) answered my phone. It’s nice to hear her voice and I asked some questions to her and she likes to talk to me. She could say in English one, two, three, and so on. She goes to first grade at public primary school in the afternoon at 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. She is taught religion teaching of Islam because in this public school there is no Christian teacher. This family of my sister is the poorest economically compares to my other siblings. My siblings once in a while help my second sister sending money or other things. Even though poor but I believe that this family has rich love especially I can see in the voice of the children, my niece, Kezia. I promised her that next year I would see her and buy something for her. They live in Cipulir, Jakarta. I feel that she is the only niece who talks more than the others, at least through telephone. I called up to my other family just to keep in touch and there is a good news that the husband of my cousin has been baptized last Sunday. It’s the family where I lived for a month for the first time I came to Jakarta in 1993 before I got a job. They live in Cibubur, Jakarta. The teacher of their youngest child is the sister of Ignatius, named Lusi. Ignatius’ sister told them that Ignatius would go back to Chicago in August. I told her that I don’t need anything from Indonesia because here I have enough things.
Thursday, August 18, 2005.
This morning I woke up earlier as usual at 5 a.m., took shower, read a book of Henry Nouwen then prayed the morning prayer with the brothers at the chapel at 6.15 a.m., had breakfast with the brothers. In the breakfast, Brother Tom, the president of the Alexian Health System was joining us and having nice conversation with me. It’s unusual that he was having breakfast and sitting with us, normally he has breakfast and watches TV in the other room by himself. I don’t know if he expressed his hospitality to me since I am going to leave on Saturday. I feel very much being accepted by him since he’s always sitting beside me in the chapel and I see his hospitality to me. He’s the top leader of all the Alexian Health System, so I am very honored to be known by him personally, especially living together in the Alexian Brothers’ community for 11 weeks.
In the CPE program, we as the CPE summer students had meeting of program evaluation with Beth, Dave and Rosemary. We evaluated the process of the CPE program especially the role of the supervisors. Overall, it’s very nice and challenging experience in the summer with some insights and suggestions of us as students. At 11 a.m. to 12.30 p.m. we had last group meeting with our supervisors, Digna and James. We shared our feeling and blessing each other. It’s a quite touching moment for all of us who have been meeting regularly for the last 11 weeks at this CPE summer unit at the ABMC. Tears, laughing, deep reflection, wishing the best to each other, blessing shared, and united in the spirit, we ended the CPE summer unit 2005. It’s raining while we had this meeting.
At 1 p.m. I had lunch at the cafeteria then visited some patients at 6 W, 3 W and communion as well at 6 E. I met one Vietnamese lady who just came this afternoon and she knows some SVDs’ priests even she has family member who becomes an SVD. I was told by a nurse that one 94 years old patient would leave and I met him and prayed with him. I was amazed that he still remembered my name even though I didn’t visit him for a quite while. I met an Afro-American lady who is Christian and she was appreciating my visit and prayer. One Italian descent lady who was at my unit came back again to my unit and she was very happy to see me again. I said prayer in Italian and often times she touched me expressing her gratitude. I said prayer in Italian and gave her communion. One man from Cuba who speaks little English and more Spanish was very glad when I came to visit him and offering communion. He spoke all the time in Spanish because I said that I speak little Spanish (Hablo Espanol un poquito). Even though I didn’t get all his sayings but I nodded to affirm his story. I heard him with my gesture and heart in compassionate manner as much as I could do.
At 3 West I visited one patient from Poland who has been living in the USA for 3.5 years. He was drunk and sometimes didn’t know some words in English. He didn’t know the word ‘prayer’ then I showed him a Hail Mary prayer in Polish and I recited it for him and he remembered and prayed it. It’s wonderful to see this patient knew what I mean by ‘prayer.’ He claimed as a Catholic and wants communion tomorrow. At the same unit, I visited a man whose altered mental status. He appreciated my visit and I offered him prayer because he doesn’t want communion even though on the list he requires communion. He was willing to tell me a lot of stories of his life then he asked my story and identity. I was amazed to see patients who were suffering but they still gave best wishes to me in my journey toward a missionary-religious-priest.
At 5 p.m. I was at the hospital chapel waiting for my Xaverian confreres came. They finally came at 5.10 p.m. from Hyde Park. They are Fathers Rocco, Victor and Ignatius. We celebrated the Mass at 5.30 presided by a Polish priest, Andrew then we had farewell dinner at the brothers’ dining room special for me who is going to leave on Saturday noon. They were a lot of food including cake with my name on it. Once again it’s a privilege and grace that I have this summer and once again provided by the Alexian Brothers. Brother Val was busy encouraging me to take the rest of the cake to be brought to my community. Even he took picture of me with the cake using my camera. There was Brother Joseph who just came from Hungary. He and Brother Ted came late from the airport and joined us in the supper. Linda, the on-call chaplain was present as well both in the chapel and the supper. It’s a special moment for me so she came to join us. After the supper ended, I showed my Xaverian confreres to see the brothers’ garden behind the residence. We had nice evening before the shrine of Mary our Lady in the garden accompanied by Brother Ronald (90), my best friend who always treats me to go somewhere like yesterday he took me to the second largest mall in the USA, namely, Woodfield Mall. At 8.15 p.m. they left for Hyde Park and Ignas will pick me up on Saturday noon to return to my seminary in Hyde Park, the Xaverian Missionaries. I did ironing my clothes and typed this journal even though I was bit tired of the day.
Friday, August 19, 2005.
As usual I attended the morning prayer, breakfast and CPE morning devotion led by Deacon Dave and report by Linda Rump while Dirk came with his fiancé, named Jill. I did my clinical visit at 6 West and 3 West. At 11.10 a.m. at the hospital chapel we had graduation celebration of our CPE summer unit for 11 weeks. Formally, I have completed my immersion subject of my M.Div program so that hopefully next year in May I graduate. We shared our last reflection and I uttered my deep gratitude to everybody at this CPE summer program. I shared it as well at the end of this journal. At noon we had lunch together celebrating this graduation at Brothers’ dinning room. Afterward, I did my on-call duty till tomorrow morning. Together with Father Stan, I visited a lady whose miscarriage of 4 months. She only speaks Spanish and she’s at Day Surgery. I visited again the rest of patients at 6 W and 3 E. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass and continued by supper with the brothers and this time there were only few brothers coming because some of them they had other activities. After finished supper, I got a page of a patient at 3 West and the nurse told me that the patient needs support and she mentioned a patient name whom I am very familiar with. I have known her since 8 weeks ago. I did visit her. She’s an Indian old lady who has been here for one week and now she has cancer spreads all over her body. She looked very sad and silently ate her supper as I entered her room. I was present with her and she still recognized me. Even she still keeps my rosary I gave her some weeks ago. I uttered my heart voice that it’s a sort of closing meeting with her. I was amazed that at the end of my day at this CPE program, I could meet her again. I felt that God made it happen. She’s the one whom I made my first Verbatim. I gave her support and prayer so that she would have peace to endure her sickness. She will have chemotherapy this coming Monday. She was feeling alone because everyday she is visited by a chaplain who gives communion but not stay talking to her. So, I did what she needs, just being present with her and trying to bear with her. I’m grateful to this event. The first becomes the last and the last becomes the first. This patient is always in my memory as I continue my journey.
I made round to visit Hospice in the evening and before that I came to my primary unit at 6 W to say goodbye to some nurses and staffs because tomorrow I am going to leave. One patient whom I met was struck me because she was impressed by my voice in the beginning she was at this hospital. She met me here three times but she still remembers me. Honestly, I told her that I’m not sure remembering her maybe because I didn’t see her quite often. She gave me confirmation that I am doing good care of others that she has been feeling. She wished me to be a good minister of others.
In the hospice I met a family who were in the waiting room. They told me that I might see the patient. I have conversation with them. They were an old lady whose husband at the hospice, the fifth floor and their daughter plus their grandson who studies at minor seminary named Saint Loren close to Detroit, Michigan. I prayed with the patient and the family and gave them communion. They told me that the one who studies at the minor seminary has a friend who is from Jakarta, Indonesia.
Nearly to 11 p.m. I was going to bed and I had restful sleep…..
Saturday, August 20, 2005.
My pager was beeping at 00.15 in the middle of the night. I answered this call and went directly to Emergency Room. There was an 81 years old lady who had been intubated and there were with her three persons. I was present with them in their mourning situation. Afterward, there was raining and lightning. I kept remain with them and I was doubt to say prayer because I didn’t see that the patient would expire. She was still breathing and once in a while her eyes open. They family kept talking to the patient. Finally after almost two hours, the patient was brought to 4th floor and I continued to follow them. The patient was conscious again and I offered prayer and talked to her. It’s a little bit long hour in this last on-call I had. I was grateful to have this 3 hours experience because to see the good sign of the patient and also the acceptance of the family toward me. I left them at 3 a.m. and came back to my room at 5th floor. I could sleep about three hours and at 6.30 a.m. I took shower and went to Roncoli Center while the day was still raining little bit. I had breakfast at the cafeteria and said my personal prayer at the chapel. At 10 to 8 o’clock, I got a page from Hospice asking prayer for an expired patient. I went there and said prayer with the family. The patient was an old lady who is Lutheran. At 8.30 a.m. I met Annie, my classmate who was waiting for me at the cafeteria and I told her about my on-call report today and passed my on-call duty to her. I’m done with my chaplaincy at this moment at ABMC. I came back to Brothers’ house and Brothers Ronald, Victor and Joseph invited me to go to eat out at a pancake restaurant. I had waffle. It’s my last breakfast with them. After coming back to brothers’ house, I was packing my things that finished at noon. After resting for a while, I came down to the brothers’ dinning room and being with them and waiting for my Xaverian confreres came to pick me up. I also have submitted all things I have been given by the spiritual department during my CPE students. I put all of these at the table of Theresia, the secretary of the Spiritual care department at Roncoli Center. They were a blue coat, key of Roncoli Center, a pager, my name ID, bar code for dinner, and green book prayer. I left the office officially. I met Brother Zeke at the garden and I gave him my Thank You card and a reflection that I uttered at my CPE graduation. I gave him as well my sexuality paper I made last January 2005. I shared it as well to Brother Eugene. Before I left, the brothers have read my reflection that was posted at the announcement board at their kitchen by Brother Zeke.
About at a quarter to two p.m. the bell was rung and directly I came to open the door. Ignas, Dharmawan and Harno came to pick me up. They helped me carry my suitcase and bags. My farewell embracing hugs to some Alexian Brothers I expressed to Brothers Felix, Ronald, Victor, Tom, James Darby, Valentino and Eugene. I was feeling supported deeply by all of them and they convinced me to come next time and I have place there. The president of the Alexian Health System, Brother Tom, told me that I am welcomed anytime if I need a job to be a chaplain there. They wished me the best and I hope I can invite them in my important events next year in 2006, namely my perpetual vows and deaconate ordination.
We went to Nita’s house and to Ibu Imelda’s house. I saw the deep dedication effort of Imelda, Paolo, her husband and Ibu Andrea who were waiting for the garage sale for PWKI’s social program. Ibu Imelda served us lunch, Indonesian food, especially, hot sauce. About at 4 p.m. we left for downtown Chicago. After difficult to find parking spot, we decided not to watch movie but eating ice cream at Ghirardeli. We savored the ice cream outside while the aroma of horses’ dirt came to hit our noses. We’re four Xaverian Indonesian students, Binsar, Robert and Nita. After I drank cappuccino ice, my stomach was upset and we decided to go home to Hyde Park. Thanks God that I could make it after arriving to the Xaverian House. I went to restroom until three times because I had stomach upset.
I unpacked all things I have after coming back from the CPE. I found new COMMIX, edition of July 2005 at my mailbox and I read it enthusiastically and curiously as usual. I got a postcard from Lourdes, Paris from Mother Oey. It’s beautiful pictures of Pope John Paul II in the shrine of Lady of Lourdes both his young and old ages. My heartfelt thanks to you, Mother Oey whom I believe for sure that you prayed and remembered me when you’re visiting this holy place. Hopefully, next time I have chance to see and visit this famous shrine in France. I went to bed at almost 1 o’clock in the morning.
Sunday, August 21, 2005.
I woke up at 6 a.m. and took shower then prayed the morning prayer at the chapel with Father Victor, Harno, Valery and Francois. We went to the Mass at 8 a.m. at St. Thomas Church. After coming back to home, I have deep sharing with Valery in the kitchen about many things especially to be a Xaverian student here in the USA with my ups and downs experience. At noon I was typing this journal and trying to be faithful to this habit. I got from Ignas who just came back from Indonesia, my white habit that I wore first time entering my novitiate year in 1997 in Bintaro, Indonesia. I asked him to bring it because I feel it’s very proper if I wear it again in my perpetual vows as I pray and hope happen next year, maybe in March 2006? I got from him as well Indonesian ingredients to cook. One Sunday school teacher from Mangga Besar parish in Jakarta, named Nini gave me a package consists of some pictures of John Paul II, a letter telling the activities of Sunday school children whose program to help out the needy children surround them. I appreciate their social awareness that is planted to the youth and children…Bravo! Thank you for all support, remembrance and your gifts to me. Hopefully, I meet you next year when I am going home to Indonesia for vacation in June to August 2006. I tried to wear my white habit and it is till fit on my body. Thank you as well to Mas Aries and Mbak Theresia who have kept my white habit which I have given them before I left Indonesia in the end of 2002.
In the afternoon, I cooked for the community. I cooked beef gravy soup (semur daging) and salad with peanut dressing (pecel). Tomorrow we’re going to go to Frankport, Illinois to have community retreat till Friday.
Graduation of CPE summer unit 2005 at ABMC
Friday, 19 August 2005 (11 a.m. to 12 p.m.).
In the beginning it was DREAM and PLAN that I would go to the CPE summer unit at ABMC. Through the kindness of one Alexian Brother, named Ezekiel Mapa who is my classmate at CTU, I was allowed to have this DREAM and PLAN.
Now, this DREAM and PLAN have been accomplished. They really came true as the grace of GOD accompanies my journey for 11 weeks. A lot of stories I have summarized into words in my daily journal. A lot of memories stick on my mind and heart as I went through this program day-by-day. A lot of graces I have been given gratuitously by so many people whom I remember in my heart. Thank you, O God for these precious events that maybe only once in my life as I journey toward missionary-religious-priesthood.
Living together with the Alexian Brothers in daily lives and sharing our daily spirituality as religious is a wonderful experience I have in my life as a seminarian who have been enjoying this style of life for 9 years. The motto of the Alexian Brothers, “Caritas Christi Urget Nos” (The love of God impels us) is the same motto of the founder of my congregation in the Xaverian missionaries, the Blessed Guido Maria Conforti from Parma, Italy. With the same spirit I come and join the Alexian Brothers for my stay during my CPE summer unit. I am such as a younger brother who is welcomed by the older brothers and in fact I’m the youngest among them. Little by little I get to know the names of the brothers here who always to be part of my journey in the morning prayer and evening Mass and the suppers. I remember where they are sitting in the chapel of the brothers’ residence starting from the left wing: Brother Valentino, Daniel, Philip (who just transferred to Tennessee), John Kim, Victor Lee, Ronald, Felix, then the right wing starts with Brother James Darby, Tom, myself, Eugene, Larry, Ted, Ezekiel (Zeke), and James Klacson. My heartfelt thanks to all Alexian Brothers who have accepted me as their special guest for 11 weeks. It’s a wonderful hospitality that I would never forget in my life. I don’t know how I could express my gratitude to this special grace but I promise to see you next time at least in my prayer and memory, maybe in the events of my perpetual vows and deaconate ordination next year. You are part of the precious gifts in my priesthood formation.
In my CPE, my gratitude and appreciation to all members of Spiritual Care Department especially my supervisors, Digna and James who always accompanied me in this journey. Tears, laughing, joy, sharing, challenging, Verbatim presentation and so on are the menu I have eaten and savored gratefully. My classmates: Annie, Dirk and Eric, how wonderful it is to know and to be with you here for 11 weeks as we journey fulfilling our study in our theology schools toward ministry. Thank you for the example and care of all chaplains and staffs as they mentored me: Linda, Sandy, Dave, Rosemary, Ken, Marty, Bob, Beth, Theresia, Fathers Bill, Andrew and Stan and all resource chaplains. Your names are typed on my daily journal that would be memorable in this stage of my life.
Finally, I express my million thanks for the nice acceptance of all nurses in my primary unit 6 West, Nennete and others plus my secondary unit 3 West, Joanel and others, plus all whom I don’t know their names and their departments. For all patients that probably may reach 1,000 in number whom I have seen during my visit, I pray for all of you. I have met Jesus in your suffering toward hope in this world and future world. All of your faces I keep secret in my prayer as I promise to you to meet again in the spirit of prayer. Thanks for your acceptance and your challenge to me.
Last but not least I share my EROTIC PRAYER as I wrote it in the last of January 2005 in my study at CTU and I promised to share it to all of my classmates and supervisors:
HEALTHY HUMAN SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT FOR MINISTRY
(I-4010) J-Term 2005
O God, you are untouchable by my human senses
But you can be touched by our mind and words.
In inception you created me with loving touch of both
of my parents
In inception you created me with genital touch of my
father and mother
In inception you created me out of human passion and
intercourse
In inception you created me through penetration and
ejaculation
In inception you created me with union of her ovum and
his sperm.
I commend to your compassionate touch:
My sexual awakening,
My sexual identity as a male,
My sexual commitment as a celibate person.
At the same time I commend to you:
My spiritual awakening
My spiritual identity
My spiritual commitment,
In union with you and others toward Healthy Human
Sexual Development
Through Christ, our Master of Love and Compassion.
Amen.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
2nd letter of August 2005
2) 20th Sunday in Ordinary Time, August 14, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005.
I did clinical visit in the morning till 10.30 then I put the data on the computer system at the ABMC library plus checked my e-mail. This morning I visited some 12 patients at 6 West. At 11.45 a.m. Annie and I went to our supervisor’s house at Lemont, Illinois. Today we, the four summer CPE students have celebration together at Digna’s house. Eric brought beef and grilled them for our lunch, Annie prepared fruits and Digna as the host prepare other things. We have nice break gathering together at a place that takes 45 minutes from the ABMC. At 3.30 p.m. Annie gave me a ride again back to ABMC. I attended the Mass at 5.30 p.m. and supper with the brothers. I read a Catholic newspaper and TIME. Together with Brothers Ronald, Philip and Victor, I watched a video entitled ‘Mexican’ that lasted for two hours. Brother Philip and I remained to see the film and the others left because they were not interested. Before watching the video, Brother Ronald (90) made wafer with banana, ice cream and liquor/cognac. I gave my rope game to Brother Philip (77) and Brother Ronald then we watched the video. I went to bed at 10.30 p.m.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005.
After Lauds and breakfast I was at my room to type this journal. This morning Brother Dan and the provincial of the Alexian Brothers, Larry, depart for the Philippines to visit the brothers in Davao City. There are several Alexian Brothers there who is part of the US province. I attended the morning devotion at the CPE led by Eric and the morning report by Linda. Wat makes me wondered is that it’s becoming a pattern that the rest of CPE students have pattern to be late attending the morning devotion and report. I have addressed it to my supervisor in the personal conference and she only promised to bring it to the class but she didn’t do it yet. Since I have discipline to be present everyday at this morning moment and it’s been my habit in my Xaverian seminary being on time even before the time I always be present to attend the community gathering. I don’t know in the US that always has motto ‘on-time’ but in reality at least in my CPE experience, it does not apply yet. It seems to me that it’s OK if you’re coming late in the morning devotion and morning report. Probably, I would address it on my final evaluation of the CPE next week. Since Annie is not coming today, so Digna asked me favor to present my reflection in the CPE class. I did it as I have written on my last week journal about my weekly reflection. From 10 to 11 a.m. Digna presented her power point of Communication Issue. At 11 to 12.20 p.m. Beth led the staff meeting regards the issue of spiritual assessment that will be computerized next year. After I had lunch at the cafeteria, I went to the chapel to take the host and visited the patients at 6 West, 3 West and as Beth paged me to accompany Father Stan to go across the street at the Rehabilitation Center giving communion to the patients there. Since the secretary, Theresia is on vacation, so Beth managed this duty to us even though actually there is a chaplain named Jerry Black who always comes everyday at 3 or 3.30 p.m. to give communion at the rehab center. So, before I finished with two other patients, I gave my list of communion to Jerry who will continue to do it. So, I left for the ABMC with Father Stan and continued my visit to 3 West.
One experience today in visiting a patient at 6 West that was struck me is: one 62 years old Lutheran lady who told me many stories about her life, openly asking about me whether I have a girl friend. I told her that I am a Catholic seminarian and not will marry. She thought that I am just 20’s years old. She was still curious and asked many things. I felt not being offended because I respect the patient in whatever her condition. She has a twin sister who always takes care of her and this patient because of her epilepsy she doesn’t marry. I don’t know why she always saying to me that someday I will have a good girl friend that means will marry me. She is a kind of old woman who needs love of others, so I am not wondered she asked me sensitive question whether I have ever seen the body of a woman because I answered her that I never have a girl friend. Moreover, what is struck me is that she showed me her body. She unfolded her blanket and her gown before me until she was naked. As a chaplain who should do properly, I said to her that it’s enough. I grabbed the blanket to cover her body immediately. I remember one chaplain who says that he couldn’t minister to a patient if the patient doesn’t cover her breast. He told openly where his limit and boundaries to the patient. Even though he’s a chaplain, he’s a man, a normal man as well who gets easily annoyed and distracted by the naked body situation of the patient especially the other gender. I don’t know why that she imposed me to see her body. I always remember the saying of Father Victor Bongiovanni, SX that when we see a patient, we see Jesus himself that is suffered. So, I remember this message and try to internalize this event with the positive message even though it seems weird, but Jesus is with her in this situation. I tried to understand her condition and not to be offended by her treatment to me. When I told this story to my classmate, he was laughing loudly. It’s been an awkward and unique experience in my clinical visit to patients at ABMC. I could understand her situation, not being married and not having her own family while she lives with her twin sister who is married and lives together with her husband and children. That’s why she likes to watch TV program about baby and family. She requires daily visit of a chaplain. I do the best I can to accompany her in this medical treatment and try to be polite and not offending her. I can see how she misses an accompaniment of a man because when I entered her room and she was still busy and I promised her to come back later. A couple of minutes later while I was visiting another patient, a nurse told me that this patient was waiting for me and as soon as possible I should come. It’s my first time to be called immediately by a patient. It seems that she couldn’t wait for me for long time. Probably, today I have seen some 14 patients at 6 West and 3 West plus about some 5 patients at the rehab center in which I was giving communion.
After the Mass at the hospital chapel led by Father Stan, an Indian priest who is already an American citizen and has been working at the ABMC for 8 years. He invited me and Eric to go to eat out at China Buffet at Elmhurst about 25 minutes from the ABMC. We had a nice sub group gathering with sharing many stories. Father Stan treated us at this restaurant and he lives close to this area. At 8 p.m. we returned to the ABMC and I went home. I saw Brother Zeke at the garden watering plants and I stopped by to see him and had conversation for a while till 9.30 p.m. I went to my room and typed this today’s experience.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005.
At the CPE program, Annie presented her Critical Incident Report. After lunch, I took the on-call duty from Sandy. Only one page I got in the afternoon from the ICU room. In the evening I visited some patients at 6 West and afterward there was no call. I could sleep at the on-call chaplain’s room very well.
Thursday, August 11, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 5.20 a.m. then took a shower. I went to Roncoli Center to get the voice mail of extension 6038. I led the morning devotion as well as report that whose only one pager calling of a patient while the weather outside was raining. At the CPE group, Dirk and Eric presented their reflection. At noon after having lunch, I visited some patients at 6 West and gave communion to 4 East. At 3 p.m. I was done with all visits and could go home and took a rest for a while. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel, had supper with the brothers including Annie who was on-call that evening. I went back to brothers’ house and read newspaper and watched TV till 10 p.m.
Friday, August 12, 2005.
Morning prayer, breakfast and typing this journal are my morning activities while the weather outside was raining, cloudy and the temperature about 70’s F. It’s a nice weather in the summer of this year. In the CPE program, there were few people coming to the morning report (Dave, Rosemary, Annie and I) and Dirk came late to lead the morning devotion. Annie did the morning report. Since morning I did clinical visit at 3 West and 6 West plus some patients at 5 East because Eric is off today. Once again in my visit at 6 West there is a male patient who was accompanied by his wife. She was very talkative to me and we had a nice conversation. The patient’s name is the same like me and he’s a Catholic. The have married in 52 years with 10 children and 19 grandchildren, a kind of fruitful family. In the evening I attended the Mass at 5.30 as usual and had dinner with the brothers while Dirk, my classmate was on-call. At the brothers’ house I read a Catholic magazine and watched British video about detective pursuing the murder with Brothers Philip, Ronald and Victor.
Saturday, August 13, 2005.
I had enough sleep last night because I could woke up bit late since today the Mass in the brothers’ community is at 8 a.m. Father Andrew led the Mass while his left ankle was injured when he played tennis. Right after the Mass, Brother Philip persuaded me so that I went with the brothers (Philip, Ronald, Victor and John Kim) to eat out having breakfast at Walker Bros, the original place of pancake. It took about a half hour to be there. It’s close to Techny, Illinois where I could see the building of SVD’s chapel in far distance. The pancake was very delicious and different with the usual ones I have eaten so far. No wonder that there were a lot of people coming to this restaurant. We had to stand in line to get in because many people were inside. The place and building are classic. Actually, there’s Walker Bros restaurant in Arlington Heights that is closer to Elk Grove Village but they decided to come here. We arrived home at 11 a.m. and at 11.30 a.m. Ibu Andrea and Nita picked me up and we took Nita to Blue line CTA train station. Ibu Andrea took me to Ibu Imelda’s house to have ‘nasi kuning’ (yellow rice) for the even of baby shower of Freida, a friend of them. She is in 7 months pregnancy that is a custom here to celebrate this baby shower. All of the guests are female and I am the only male guest over there. It’s a privilege for me as a male one to come at this informal party to see Freida opened the gifts for her first future baby. A quarter to two, Andrea took me home at the Alexian Brothers because I would attend the farewell party of Brother Philip Kennedy at the conference room of ABMC. My gratitude to Ibu Andrea and Ibu Imelda who invited me to come to this lunch, special menu of Indonesian food. I enjoyed this food especially the hot spicy sauce and ‘nasi kuning Manado.’ As I came out of the brothers’ house there was a guest who also wanted to come to Brother Philip’s party. He’s Michael Fox who lives in Schaumburg. He’s a classmate of Brother James Darby at novitiate, some 50 years ago in Signal Mountain, Tennessee. Together with him, I came to the party. Since Philip was a CEO at ABMC and after stroke, he retired, so many guests came to say goodbye for him. He’s 77 years old who always likes to make joke and talkative to many people. He graduated of Yale University before became the CEO for a quite number of years at ABMC. He’s the one who always treats me to go eat out for Saturday morning breakfast together with Brother Ronald (90 years old). They appreciate my accompaniment to them. Actually, I told them that this morning I would not got with them to eat out because my friend would pick me up at 11.30 for lunch. Then Philip persuaded me to go with them because they would return home before 11.30. To see his generosity and also because on Monday, August 15 he’s going to leave for Signal Mountain, so I changed my mind, and follow them.
At 5 p.m. I accompanied Michael Fox to leave the conference room because he is not familiar of this place. I did ironing my clothes and took a rest for a while. At 7.30 p.m. I did the final evaluation of the CPE program and typed this journal.
Sunday, August 14, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 7.30 then after took shower, and prayed personally at the chapel, at 9.30 a.m. Ibu Andrea picked me up and we went to her house, about 15 minutes away from here. At 10 a.m. Ibu Imelda with her van car picked us (Cicilia, Nita, Ibu Andrea and I) up to go to Saint Therese School to attend the Indonesian Mass. The Mass was started about at 11.30 a.m. presided by Father Edi, osc and some 45 fellows came. We celebrated this Mass at the school because the church was used for Saint Rocco celebration. After enjoying the lunch (sayur asam and chicken cooked by Ibu Imelda cs) and hospitality, we left for home. Once again with the kindness and generosity of Ibu Imelda and Ibu Andrea, I could go back home at the Alexian Brothers house and arrived at 2.10 p.m. I could take a nap for a while and at 5 p.m. together with the brothers I prayed the evening prayer led by Brother Valentino. My heartfelt thanks I impart to both of them. With Brothers Victor and Eugene, I had supper at the cafeteria and at the house we (Brothers Ted, Val, Felix, Victor and Eugene plus me) had ice cream cake given by Aileen, an old lady who likes to attend the Mass at the hospital. It’s been a great day for me to relax and meet Indonesian friends and hang out with the brothers. In the evening I type my final evaluation of the CPE program for this coming Tuesday.
Denny Wahyudi (the end of July 2005)
Reflection on the book entitled Hope in Pastoral Care and Counseling
by Andrew Lester.
In my experience having hope is a nice thing because I have many things to look forward in my future. When I was a kid, I had a hope to get graduated from my school and work to live by myself. Afterward, I had a hope to become priest and eventually I did enter the Xaverian Missionaries after having worked for three years. My hope then continues time by time and until now I still have great hope to finish all of my theology studies in two years and get ordained in priesthood. My hope is not finished with the priesthood ordination but I still have a hope to be a missionary in Japan. The closest hope I have now is to finish my CPE summer unit then continue my M.Div program in one year and look forward my May 2006 graduation then take vacation to Indonesia in the summer 2006. What wonderful hopes I have planned since some months ago and now still I have these hopes to be accomplished step-by-step accordingly. Lester writes that our finite hope grows out of our experience of God’s love. "Our security is in the relationship and not the particular events" (66). It is true that I put my hopes in certain events and possibilities ahead of me that I plan beforehand as I elaborate above. If I only put these hopes in my own criteria and expectation that all of them should happen, I will feel frustrated very easily when one or more hopes fail to happen. As a Christian I should put my hopes in God’s plan and will. Let my hopes to be happened in God’s will. God is in the process of my human hopes. God is the only one who can make my hopes to be transfinite hope in the future. Again Lester pointed out, "Transfinite hope inspires and motivates because it acknowledges a future that goes beyond our finite vision" (67). I realize that sometimes I put my hopes only in my merely plan and eagerness, not transcend them in God’s plan. I think often times that if I can fulfill my planning hopes in the future, I will gain satisfaction. In fact, every time I gain my hope that I have planned, I still feel some degrees of incomplete satisfaction. Instead, when I put my planning hopes in God’s will in the transcendence ways, whatever the results of my hopes, I do not feel satisfied or unsatisfied but in God’s plan I just surrender in what’s happening in reality. My vision to gain my hopes is limited in my temporary perception but in God’s hands I totally should give up my own ever-changing idea to be fulfilled.
"When there is no more future story, life becomes scary and one despairs" (75). Often times when I visited elderly patients in my clinical visits, they have satisfaction in many years of life but they do not have more future hope in future story. They tend to be pessimistic and desperate to see their future story. They are often times saying ready to die soon because they have gained enough years living in the world. Once I met one 89 years old who said that he is ready to die with his cancer that is just found in the diagnosis. He does not want to have chemotherapy and he just wants to be naturally die slowly or soon. I don’t know what his daughter is going to say to him. For me as a chaplain facing such situation, sometimes, I admire his decision but at the same time I should give support to the patient to have hope in his future life to create new future story. Once I met a 48 years old lady who is very sad because the doctors couldn’t figure out the cause of fluid in her stomach, she just gave up to God to die soon if she has to die and not wants dying slowly. She asked me, "How about if God doesn’t help me?" I could see on her face how desperate she has to face this difficult situation. What I said to her is that she still has faith to hope in God’s will. God is always with us but we don’t know what God wants to our life. As a chaplain, I found very difficult to bear with the patient. I don’t know exactly what words appropriately to be spoken to her but I believe my presence in daily basis in visiting her, is a giving hope that she could feel and take the advantage even though she was still in very deep frustration. Her hope is uttered to me by asking prayer for her even asked me my e-mail address. "People can ‘catch’ the atmosphere of hoping from the pastoral caregiver and the people of God with whom they get involved" (99). I don’t know if I was acting as a caregiver toward this patient who was desperately facing her incertitude destiny of her unpredictable sickness. Her acceptance and welcome to me are signs that she put her hope in me as the caregiver, even in fact she asked me to give my address and eventually I gave her my e-mail address, is a sign that she needs more care of the chaplain/caregiver. I don’t what to do when she has to move to other hospital. I was just thinking that my formal to her finished because she would no more be here. But, in fact, with my attention and presence in her life during her stay at this hospital, I have given her hope that is still difficult to be understood in her situation. My promise to pray for her is one thing that I can do in this moment after I am not seeing her at this hospital. To some patients whom I visited, normally I said to them that I would see them again in the spirit, the spirit who prays together with us. Most likely I would never meet them again in this world but with my prayers that are helped by the Holy Spirit, I meet them again.
Lester points out that according to Stephen Crites, "for persons to be happy and hopeful, that is, to have a deep sense of joy and well-being, they must have ‘psychic strength,’ which includes both a strong sense of self-identity, rooted in the past, and an equally strong power of self-transcendence, directed toward the future. This strength must be concentrated in the present, which is the point of tension between self-identity and self-transcendence" (77). Often times I meet elderly people especially men who have strong signs what Lester says above. I could see on them that they have inside happiness and joy. They have positive welcoming to others and it seems to me that they don’t have too much complaint to others. They just enjoy and smile most of the time. Then, I come to quick assumption that to get old age, one should have inner joy and happiness. From the face we can see the state of one’s heart and disposition. It does make sense to me: if one only has grief as the basic points of daily life, it is very easy to get old and sick. Instead, if one is always grateful to his life and transcend them in God’s will, I believe he/she shall have good health, at least in mind and heart positively. I am very impressed by the memory of the elderly I met in this CPE program. In their 90’s years old, they still have clear and sharp memory/mind and they speak fluently. Their faces are not like their age. They look younger than their age. Probably I see them like in 60-70’s. Their mind, soul and spirit are still young but their physical body decreasing gradually. To see them in my experience, I just want to identify myself to their personality: to be easy going, not too much worry about my future, to be open to others, smile and make life simple and of course make peace in my own heart and toward others. I want to be like them in their wisdom and their age, in 90’s or more, of course. My age is one third of theirs, so I have hope in the future to live two third of my life ahead. Isn’t it a projective hope that I can have now?
According to Lester, Victor Frankl points out, "many prisoners in the concentration camp died not from violence, disease, or hunger, but from giving up hope" (83). In the suffering people tend to desperately die soon without enduring long agony. Those who have strong and depth inner power, they can creatively exist and have hope in desperation situation. In the middle of desperation they face, they still have little hope to continue their lives. I can see in many people who used to have good life economically and suddenly when a disaster strikes them they couldn’t stand and revive easily. They tend to stay in depression and be ashamed to renew their spirit. If it continues severely, no wonder they have lack of confidence and self-reliance then gradually have altered mental status and become crazy gradually. I see some figures in my real life in this regard. I admired a lot to my father who has strong inner struggle in his life. His example in living many different ups and downs situation draw me to follow his example in positive sense. I believe it is not easy to live in one period of time with more than enough treasure and suddenly he had to live in desperate situation economically, mentally and many other ‘lys’ that struck his stability. Most likely if he didn’t have enough inner strength and power (not necessarily religion or belief or faith in God), he would collapse quickly. But, thanks God, in reality, he could stand up again, restart and renew again his life. Maybe people see him as a bad person, a bad example for his five children in many ways but people don’t see this positive aspect of his life. As his oldest son, I can see and feel this strong example that I should keep in mind. No wonder if we, his five children, do live accordingly, as he always commands to us, to be much better than he has. If he has a habit of gambling, he strongly forbids us to follow his step. Even, he prohibited us to smoke like he did. People don’t see that he has strong education to his children. He gave us full responsibility to our future. It seems to me that he didn’t give love care that I feel lack of it and he only gave material things so that we can grow maturely. Even sometimes the material things he gave were not limited. As a person who has this experience, I can be very grateful to this life giving experience through my father with his positive and negative aspects. I think if I only have nice and positive experience in my life, I don’t have experience to face challenge that always come in my life. So, I think I could take advantage with my past life that give me a lot of ‘pearls’ lessons so that I can live out my present life in the big hope of promised future. People outside tend to see the negative things of my father and not to see this positive side. People always admire him that all of his children do live in healthy way, even one, that is me, studying and living out religious life and becoming a priest. I learn a lot of my father’s struggle and his inner power to remain strong lives out this hard life in spite of his weakness as a human being. So that it becomes true that "Hope provides the courage to face whatever chaos and trauma life throws at us. Hope does not try to avoid the pain of finite existence nor is it naïve about suffering" (85).
"An appropriate response to reality is to look for the signs of providence within the everyday happenings of our lives. These blessings can be found even in the midst of the traumas and tragedies that tempt us to despair" (88). I wonder to some people who never see the good things in their life but always fall in negative side as if there is no more hope. I become more wonder when I try to see the good things in the desperation of one’s life and my colleagues said that I am too easy to get there. I am to quick finding out God’s love in time of mourning. What should I do in the time of agony? Should I stick on this situation and not to move in positive hope or at least I attempt to see what lesson in God’s side that maybe I find difficult to get? My master of novice who says that once in a while we need come back to ‘visitatio amoris’ (the visit of love) in both of positive and negative experience in the past. We ask in this visit of love, where God was present there and what God gives me message now based on those experiences. I think it is similar with reflection and meditation with content of our past experience. People who are always busy only with the recent activities and try to be busy with many other activities in the future without stop for a while to see and step back on his/her life and reflect upon it then give meaning on it, they are really lazy fellows. To enter in silent moment and reflect on the past experiences are difficult if we are not used to do it. For me to do daily journaling and writing such this reflection requires perseverance and denial to many other temptations surrounds me. The temptation I often find is to postpone this reflection and put myself in lazy activity such as watching TV, killing time with my imagination about my future, sleeping more than I need, using Internet or e-mail more than I am supposed to be, etc. Coming back to first sentence at this paragraph, I am grateful to my life pictures in my family, my environment, my working experience, and my formation journey in the Xaverian Missionaries. I have a lot of memories to be reflected and continue to gain meaning of them. Not all of these life experiences are nice or positive, but always alternated by negative and dark sides that tested me to be stronger facing new hard tragedies.
Monday, August 08, 2005.
I did clinical visit in the morning till 10.30 then I put the data on the computer system at the ABMC library plus checked my e-mail. This morning I visited some 12 patients at 6 West. At 11.45 a.m. Annie and I went to our supervisor’s house at Lemont, Illinois. Today we, the four summer CPE students have celebration together at Digna’s house. Eric brought beef and grilled them for our lunch, Annie prepared fruits and Digna as the host prepare other things. We have nice break gathering together at a place that takes 45 minutes from the ABMC. At 3.30 p.m. Annie gave me a ride again back to ABMC. I attended the Mass at 5.30 p.m. and supper with the brothers. I read a Catholic newspaper and TIME. Together with Brothers Ronald, Philip and Victor, I watched a video entitled ‘Mexican’ that lasted for two hours. Brother Philip and I remained to see the film and the others left because they were not interested. Before watching the video, Brother Ronald (90) made wafer with banana, ice cream and liquor/cognac. I gave my rope game to Brother Philip (77) and Brother Ronald then we watched the video. I went to bed at 10.30 p.m.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005.
After Lauds and breakfast I was at my room to type this journal. This morning Brother Dan and the provincial of the Alexian Brothers, Larry, depart for the Philippines to visit the brothers in Davao City. There are several Alexian Brothers there who is part of the US province. I attended the morning devotion at the CPE led by Eric and the morning report by Linda. Wat makes me wondered is that it’s becoming a pattern that the rest of CPE students have pattern to be late attending the morning devotion and report. I have addressed it to my supervisor in the personal conference and she only promised to bring it to the class but she didn’t do it yet. Since I have discipline to be present everyday at this morning moment and it’s been my habit in my Xaverian seminary being on time even before the time I always be present to attend the community gathering. I don’t know in the US that always has motto ‘on-time’ but in reality at least in my CPE experience, it does not apply yet. It seems to me that it’s OK if you’re coming late in the morning devotion and morning report. Probably, I would address it on my final evaluation of the CPE next week. Since Annie is not coming today, so Digna asked me favor to present my reflection in the CPE class. I did it as I have written on my last week journal about my weekly reflection. From 10 to 11 a.m. Digna presented her power point of Communication Issue. At 11 to 12.20 p.m. Beth led the staff meeting regards the issue of spiritual assessment that will be computerized next year. After I had lunch at the cafeteria, I went to the chapel to take the host and visited the patients at 6 West, 3 West and as Beth paged me to accompany Father Stan to go across the street at the Rehabilitation Center giving communion to the patients there. Since the secretary, Theresia is on vacation, so Beth managed this duty to us even though actually there is a chaplain named Jerry Black who always comes everyday at 3 or 3.30 p.m. to give communion at the rehab center. So, before I finished with two other patients, I gave my list of communion to Jerry who will continue to do it. So, I left for the ABMC with Father Stan and continued my visit to 3 West.
One experience today in visiting a patient at 6 West that was struck me is: one 62 years old Lutheran lady who told me many stories about her life, openly asking about me whether I have a girl friend. I told her that I am a Catholic seminarian and not will marry. She thought that I am just 20’s years old. She was still curious and asked many things. I felt not being offended because I respect the patient in whatever her condition. She has a twin sister who always takes care of her and this patient because of her epilepsy she doesn’t marry. I don’t know why she always saying to me that someday I will have a good girl friend that means will marry me. She is a kind of old woman who needs love of others, so I am not wondered she asked me sensitive question whether I have ever seen the body of a woman because I answered her that I never have a girl friend. Moreover, what is struck me is that she showed me her body. She unfolded her blanket and her gown before me until she was naked. As a chaplain who should do properly, I said to her that it’s enough. I grabbed the blanket to cover her body immediately. I remember one chaplain who says that he couldn’t minister to a patient if the patient doesn’t cover her breast. He told openly where his limit and boundaries to the patient. Even though he’s a chaplain, he’s a man, a normal man as well who gets easily annoyed and distracted by the naked body situation of the patient especially the other gender. I don’t know why that she imposed me to see her body. I always remember the saying of Father Victor Bongiovanni, SX that when we see a patient, we see Jesus himself that is suffered. So, I remember this message and try to internalize this event with the positive message even though it seems weird, but Jesus is with her in this situation. I tried to understand her condition and not to be offended by her treatment to me. When I told this story to my classmate, he was laughing loudly. It’s been an awkward and unique experience in my clinical visit to patients at ABMC. I could understand her situation, not being married and not having her own family while she lives with her twin sister who is married and lives together with her husband and children. That’s why she likes to watch TV program about baby and family. She requires daily visit of a chaplain. I do the best I can to accompany her in this medical treatment and try to be polite and not offending her. I can see how she misses an accompaniment of a man because when I entered her room and she was still busy and I promised her to come back later. A couple of minutes later while I was visiting another patient, a nurse told me that this patient was waiting for me and as soon as possible I should come. It’s my first time to be called immediately by a patient. It seems that she couldn’t wait for me for long time. Probably, today I have seen some 14 patients at 6 West and 3 West plus about some 5 patients at the rehab center in which I was giving communion.
After the Mass at the hospital chapel led by Father Stan, an Indian priest who is already an American citizen and has been working at the ABMC for 8 years. He invited me and Eric to go to eat out at China Buffet at Elmhurst about 25 minutes from the ABMC. We had a nice sub group gathering with sharing many stories. Father Stan treated us at this restaurant and he lives close to this area. At 8 p.m. we returned to the ABMC and I went home. I saw Brother Zeke at the garden watering plants and I stopped by to see him and had conversation for a while till 9.30 p.m. I went to my room and typed this today’s experience.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005.
At the CPE program, Annie presented her Critical Incident Report. After lunch, I took the on-call duty from Sandy. Only one page I got in the afternoon from the ICU room. In the evening I visited some patients at 6 West and afterward there was no call. I could sleep at the on-call chaplain’s room very well.
Thursday, August 11, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 5.20 a.m. then took a shower. I went to Roncoli Center to get the voice mail of extension 6038. I led the morning devotion as well as report that whose only one pager calling of a patient while the weather outside was raining. At the CPE group, Dirk and Eric presented their reflection. At noon after having lunch, I visited some patients at 6 West and gave communion to 4 East. At 3 p.m. I was done with all visits and could go home and took a rest for a while. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel, had supper with the brothers including Annie who was on-call that evening. I went back to brothers’ house and read newspaper and watched TV till 10 p.m.
Friday, August 12, 2005.
Morning prayer, breakfast and typing this journal are my morning activities while the weather outside was raining, cloudy and the temperature about 70’s F. It’s a nice weather in the summer of this year. In the CPE program, there were few people coming to the morning report (Dave, Rosemary, Annie and I) and Dirk came late to lead the morning devotion. Annie did the morning report. Since morning I did clinical visit at 3 West and 6 West plus some patients at 5 East because Eric is off today. Once again in my visit at 6 West there is a male patient who was accompanied by his wife. She was very talkative to me and we had a nice conversation. The patient’s name is the same like me and he’s a Catholic. The have married in 52 years with 10 children and 19 grandchildren, a kind of fruitful family. In the evening I attended the Mass at 5.30 as usual and had dinner with the brothers while Dirk, my classmate was on-call. At the brothers’ house I read a Catholic magazine and watched British video about detective pursuing the murder with Brothers Philip, Ronald and Victor.
Saturday, August 13, 2005.
I had enough sleep last night because I could woke up bit late since today the Mass in the brothers’ community is at 8 a.m. Father Andrew led the Mass while his left ankle was injured when he played tennis. Right after the Mass, Brother Philip persuaded me so that I went with the brothers (Philip, Ronald, Victor and John Kim) to eat out having breakfast at Walker Bros, the original place of pancake. It took about a half hour to be there. It’s close to Techny, Illinois where I could see the building of SVD’s chapel in far distance. The pancake was very delicious and different with the usual ones I have eaten so far. No wonder that there were a lot of people coming to this restaurant. We had to stand in line to get in because many people were inside. The place and building are classic. Actually, there’s Walker Bros restaurant in Arlington Heights that is closer to Elk Grove Village but they decided to come here. We arrived home at 11 a.m. and at 11.30 a.m. Ibu Andrea and Nita picked me up and we took Nita to Blue line CTA train station. Ibu Andrea took me to Ibu Imelda’s house to have ‘nasi kuning’ (yellow rice) for the even of baby shower of Freida, a friend of them. She is in 7 months pregnancy that is a custom here to celebrate this baby shower. All of the guests are female and I am the only male guest over there. It’s a privilege for me as a male one to come at this informal party to see Freida opened the gifts for her first future baby. A quarter to two, Andrea took me home at the Alexian Brothers because I would attend the farewell party of Brother Philip Kennedy at the conference room of ABMC. My gratitude to Ibu Andrea and Ibu Imelda who invited me to come to this lunch, special menu of Indonesian food. I enjoyed this food especially the hot spicy sauce and ‘nasi kuning Manado.’ As I came out of the brothers’ house there was a guest who also wanted to come to Brother Philip’s party. He’s Michael Fox who lives in Schaumburg. He’s a classmate of Brother James Darby at novitiate, some 50 years ago in Signal Mountain, Tennessee. Together with him, I came to the party. Since Philip was a CEO at ABMC and after stroke, he retired, so many guests came to say goodbye for him. He’s 77 years old who always likes to make joke and talkative to many people. He graduated of Yale University before became the CEO for a quite number of years at ABMC. He’s the one who always treats me to go eat out for Saturday morning breakfast together with Brother Ronald (90 years old). They appreciate my accompaniment to them. Actually, I told them that this morning I would not got with them to eat out because my friend would pick me up at 11.30 for lunch. Then Philip persuaded me to go with them because they would return home before 11.30. To see his generosity and also because on Monday, August 15 he’s going to leave for Signal Mountain, so I changed my mind, and follow them.
At 5 p.m. I accompanied Michael Fox to leave the conference room because he is not familiar of this place. I did ironing my clothes and took a rest for a while. At 7.30 p.m. I did the final evaluation of the CPE program and typed this journal.
Sunday, August 14, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 7.30 then after took shower, and prayed personally at the chapel, at 9.30 a.m. Ibu Andrea picked me up and we went to her house, about 15 minutes away from here. At 10 a.m. Ibu Imelda with her van car picked us (Cicilia, Nita, Ibu Andrea and I) up to go to Saint Therese School to attend the Indonesian Mass. The Mass was started about at 11.30 a.m. presided by Father Edi, osc and some 45 fellows came. We celebrated this Mass at the school because the church was used for Saint Rocco celebration. After enjoying the lunch (sayur asam and chicken cooked by Ibu Imelda cs) and hospitality, we left for home. Once again with the kindness and generosity of Ibu Imelda and Ibu Andrea, I could go back home at the Alexian Brothers house and arrived at 2.10 p.m. I could take a nap for a while and at 5 p.m. together with the brothers I prayed the evening prayer led by Brother Valentino. My heartfelt thanks I impart to both of them. With Brothers Victor and Eugene, I had supper at the cafeteria and at the house we (Brothers Ted, Val, Felix, Victor and Eugene plus me) had ice cream cake given by Aileen, an old lady who likes to attend the Mass at the hospital. It’s been a great day for me to relax and meet Indonesian friends and hang out with the brothers. In the evening I type my final evaluation of the CPE program for this coming Tuesday.
Denny Wahyudi (the end of July 2005)
Reflection on the book entitled Hope in Pastoral Care and Counseling
by Andrew Lester.
In my experience having hope is a nice thing because I have many things to look forward in my future. When I was a kid, I had a hope to get graduated from my school and work to live by myself. Afterward, I had a hope to become priest and eventually I did enter the Xaverian Missionaries after having worked for three years. My hope then continues time by time and until now I still have great hope to finish all of my theology studies in two years and get ordained in priesthood. My hope is not finished with the priesthood ordination but I still have a hope to be a missionary in Japan. The closest hope I have now is to finish my CPE summer unit then continue my M.Div program in one year and look forward my May 2006 graduation then take vacation to Indonesia in the summer 2006. What wonderful hopes I have planned since some months ago and now still I have these hopes to be accomplished step-by-step accordingly. Lester writes that our finite hope grows out of our experience of God’s love. "Our security is in the relationship and not the particular events" (66). It is true that I put my hopes in certain events and possibilities ahead of me that I plan beforehand as I elaborate above. If I only put these hopes in my own criteria and expectation that all of them should happen, I will feel frustrated very easily when one or more hopes fail to happen. As a Christian I should put my hopes in God’s plan and will. Let my hopes to be happened in God’s will. God is in the process of my human hopes. God is the only one who can make my hopes to be transfinite hope in the future. Again Lester pointed out, "Transfinite hope inspires and motivates because it acknowledges a future that goes beyond our finite vision" (67). I realize that sometimes I put my hopes only in my merely plan and eagerness, not transcend them in God’s plan. I think often times that if I can fulfill my planning hopes in the future, I will gain satisfaction. In fact, every time I gain my hope that I have planned, I still feel some degrees of incomplete satisfaction. Instead, when I put my planning hopes in God’s will in the transcendence ways, whatever the results of my hopes, I do not feel satisfied or unsatisfied but in God’s plan I just surrender in what’s happening in reality. My vision to gain my hopes is limited in my temporary perception but in God’s hands I totally should give up my own ever-changing idea to be fulfilled.
"When there is no more future story, life becomes scary and one despairs" (75). Often times when I visited elderly patients in my clinical visits, they have satisfaction in many years of life but they do not have more future hope in future story. They tend to be pessimistic and desperate to see their future story. They are often times saying ready to die soon because they have gained enough years living in the world. Once I met one 89 years old who said that he is ready to die with his cancer that is just found in the diagnosis. He does not want to have chemotherapy and he just wants to be naturally die slowly or soon. I don’t know what his daughter is going to say to him. For me as a chaplain facing such situation, sometimes, I admire his decision but at the same time I should give support to the patient to have hope in his future life to create new future story. Once I met a 48 years old lady who is very sad because the doctors couldn’t figure out the cause of fluid in her stomach, she just gave up to God to die soon if she has to die and not wants dying slowly. She asked me, "How about if God doesn’t help me?" I could see on her face how desperate she has to face this difficult situation. What I said to her is that she still has faith to hope in God’s will. God is always with us but we don’t know what God wants to our life. As a chaplain, I found very difficult to bear with the patient. I don’t know exactly what words appropriately to be spoken to her but I believe my presence in daily basis in visiting her, is a giving hope that she could feel and take the advantage even though she was still in very deep frustration. Her hope is uttered to me by asking prayer for her even asked me my e-mail address. "People can ‘catch’ the atmosphere of hoping from the pastoral caregiver and the people of God with whom they get involved" (99). I don’t know if I was acting as a caregiver toward this patient who was desperately facing her incertitude destiny of her unpredictable sickness. Her acceptance and welcome to me are signs that she put her hope in me as the caregiver, even in fact she asked me to give my address and eventually I gave her my e-mail address, is a sign that she needs more care of the chaplain/caregiver. I don’t what to do when she has to move to other hospital. I was just thinking that my formal to her finished because she would no more be here. But, in fact, with my attention and presence in her life during her stay at this hospital, I have given her hope that is still difficult to be understood in her situation. My promise to pray for her is one thing that I can do in this moment after I am not seeing her at this hospital. To some patients whom I visited, normally I said to them that I would see them again in the spirit, the spirit who prays together with us. Most likely I would never meet them again in this world but with my prayers that are helped by the Holy Spirit, I meet them again.
Lester points out that according to Stephen Crites, "for persons to be happy and hopeful, that is, to have a deep sense of joy and well-being, they must have ‘psychic strength,’ which includes both a strong sense of self-identity, rooted in the past, and an equally strong power of self-transcendence, directed toward the future. This strength must be concentrated in the present, which is the point of tension between self-identity and self-transcendence" (77). Often times I meet elderly people especially men who have strong signs what Lester says above. I could see on them that they have inside happiness and joy. They have positive welcoming to others and it seems to me that they don’t have too much complaint to others. They just enjoy and smile most of the time. Then, I come to quick assumption that to get old age, one should have inner joy and happiness. From the face we can see the state of one’s heart and disposition. It does make sense to me: if one only has grief as the basic points of daily life, it is very easy to get old and sick. Instead, if one is always grateful to his life and transcend them in God’s will, I believe he/she shall have good health, at least in mind and heart positively. I am very impressed by the memory of the elderly I met in this CPE program. In their 90’s years old, they still have clear and sharp memory/mind and they speak fluently. Their faces are not like their age. They look younger than their age. Probably I see them like in 60-70’s. Their mind, soul and spirit are still young but their physical body decreasing gradually. To see them in my experience, I just want to identify myself to their personality: to be easy going, not too much worry about my future, to be open to others, smile and make life simple and of course make peace in my own heart and toward others. I want to be like them in their wisdom and their age, in 90’s or more, of course. My age is one third of theirs, so I have hope in the future to live two third of my life ahead. Isn’t it a projective hope that I can have now?
According to Lester, Victor Frankl points out, "many prisoners in the concentration camp died not from violence, disease, or hunger, but from giving up hope" (83). In the suffering people tend to desperately die soon without enduring long agony. Those who have strong and depth inner power, they can creatively exist and have hope in desperation situation. In the middle of desperation they face, they still have little hope to continue their lives. I can see in many people who used to have good life economically and suddenly when a disaster strikes them they couldn’t stand and revive easily. They tend to stay in depression and be ashamed to renew their spirit. If it continues severely, no wonder they have lack of confidence and self-reliance then gradually have altered mental status and become crazy gradually. I see some figures in my real life in this regard. I admired a lot to my father who has strong inner struggle in his life. His example in living many different ups and downs situation draw me to follow his example in positive sense. I believe it is not easy to live in one period of time with more than enough treasure and suddenly he had to live in desperate situation economically, mentally and many other ‘lys’ that struck his stability. Most likely if he didn’t have enough inner strength and power (not necessarily religion or belief or faith in God), he would collapse quickly. But, thanks God, in reality, he could stand up again, restart and renew again his life. Maybe people see him as a bad person, a bad example for his five children in many ways but people don’t see this positive aspect of his life. As his oldest son, I can see and feel this strong example that I should keep in mind. No wonder if we, his five children, do live accordingly, as he always commands to us, to be much better than he has. If he has a habit of gambling, he strongly forbids us to follow his step. Even, he prohibited us to smoke like he did. People don’t see that he has strong education to his children. He gave us full responsibility to our future. It seems to me that he didn’t give love care that I feel lack of it and he only gave material things so that we can grow maturely. Even sometimes the material things he gave were not limited. As a person who has this experience, I can be very grateful to this life giving experience through my father with his positive and negative aspects. I think if I only have nice and positive experience in my life, I don’t have experience to face challenge that always come in my life. So, I think I could take advantage with my past life that give me a lot of ‘pearls’ lessons so that I can live out my present life in the big hope of promised future. People outside tend to see the negative things of my father and not to see this positive side. People always admire him that all of his children do live in healthy way, even one, that is me, studying and living out religious life and becoming a priest. I learn a lot of my father’s struggle and his inner power to remain strong lives out this hard life in spite of his weakness as a human being. So that it becomes true that "Hope provides the courage to face whatever chaos and trauma life throws at us. Hope does not try to avoid the pain of finite existence nor is it naïve about suffering" (85).
"An appropriate response to reality is to look for the signs of providence within the everyday happenings of our lives. These blessings can be found even in the midst of the traumas and tragedies that tempt us to despair" (88). I wonder to some people who never see the good things in their life but always fall in negative side as if there is no more hope. I become more wonder when I try to see the good things in the desperation of one’s life and my colleagues said that I am too easy to get there. I am to quick finding out God’s love in time of mourning. What should I do in the time of agony? Should I stick on this situation and not to move in positive hope or at least I attempt to see what lesson in God’s side that maybe I find difficult to get? My master of novice who says that once in a while we need come back to ‘visitatio amoris’ (the visit of love) in both of positive and negative experience in the past. We ask in this visit of love, where God was present there and what God gives me message now based on those experiences. I think it is similar with reflection and meditation with content of our past experience. People who are always busy only with the recent activities and try to be busy with many other activities in the future without stop for a while to see and step back on his/her life and reflect upon it then give meaning on it, they are really lazy fellows. To enter in silent moment and reflect on the past experiences are difficult if we are not used to do it. For me to do daily journaling and writing such this reflection requires perseverance and denial to many other temptations surrounds me. The temptation I often find is to postpone this reflection and put myself in lazy activity such as watching TV, killing time with my imagination about my future, sleeping more than I need, using Internet or e-mail more than I am supposed to be, etc. Coming back to first sentence at this paragraph, I am grateful to my life pictures in my family, my environment, my working experience, and my formation journey in the Xaverian Missionaries. I have a lot of memories to be reflected and continue to gain meaning of them. Not all of these life experiences are nice or positive, but always alternated by negative and dark sides that tested me to be stronger facing new hard tragedies.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
1st letter of August 2005
1) 19th Sunday in Ordinary Time,
In the morning we had morning prayer at 6.15 led by Brother Tom and as usual at the end we recited the Angelus prayer. I had breakfast with the brothers and at
At
In the morning as usual I did the daily activities at the Alexian Brothers’ community then at
At the CPE program today, Annie presented her book discussion on Andrew Lester’s book, Hope and Pastoral Counseling chapter 3 followed by debriefing due on schedule for next two weeks. After having lunch, I did visit at 3 West and 6 West, about 13 visits. At
At my CPE, there’s presentation of Verbatim by Dirk. I had round at 6 West at
Today I am on-call duty starting at
At
Today I woke up later than usual and attended the 9 a.m. Mass at the hospital chapel. The Mass presided by Father Stan was attended by almost 70 people and the intention of the Mass is for the repose of John Paul II. I went home and cooked Korean noodle for myself. In the afternoon I am going to go to the public library with Brother Ronald and Victor in which I will post this journal via e-mail.
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Weekly Reflection (WEEK XI, from 01 August to
2) On Sunday after the Mass, I read an article on a Catholic newspaper (Our Sunday Visitor,
Pastoral Answers by Msgr. M. Francis Mannion (a priest and theologian of the Diocese of Salt Lake City). The title is Communion Confusion.
Question: A friend of mine is a devout Christian, but non Catholic - likes to attend Mass occasionally. She admits that she does not believe in the Real Presence, but she often receives Communion because she thinks it is a “nice devotion.” How can I discourage her from receiving Communion without making her feel unwelcome at Mass? How should I explain why I do not receive Communion when I attend a non-Catholic service?
(by Ruth Froehlich, via e-mail).
Answer: I recommend that you begin with the latter question: Why you as a Catholic do not receive Communion when you attend a non-Catholic church. Your stance of non-reception and that of Catholics in general on this matter is not intended as an insult to no-Catholics and their worship. We do not refrain from Communion because we think that other churches are not real churches and that their worship services are bogus (a position that Catholics held popularly in the not-too-distant past).
The reason is because we are literally not “in communion” with these churches. From the Catholic point of view, to receive Communion in a non-Catholic church is to accept all that that particular church believes to be true morally and doctrinally.
For instance, for a Catholic to receive in a Lutheran church would be tantamount to rejecting the Catholic beliefs that Martin Luther and his followers did.
By the same token, non-Catholics do not receive Communion in the Catholic Church, because to do so would be tantamount to making a profession of faith in the whole corpus of Catholic doctrines and morals. A Lutheran receiving Catholic Communion would be expressing adherence to all sorts of beliefs that Lutheran officially reject. Thus your friend needs to understand that receiving Communion at the Catholic Mass is far more than a “nice devotion.” Communion is heavily enriched with meaning.
Moreover, in my understanding at ABMC here, there are some chaplains who are not Catholics, also receive Catholic Communion in the Mass and even give Catholic Communion to patients (is it true?). I heard at the CPE class that non-Catholic chaplains are not allowed to receive Catholic Communion that eventually make my Lutheran classmates do not attend the Mass again at the Catholic chapel at ABMC (it’s my observation that should be clarified as well by them). I heard the discussion about it in the class last week, but I didn’t speak and contribute anything, so at this opportunity I just want to address it again through the credible resource I get above.
3) When I was on-call duty on Friday, August 5, I tried to use the on-call bar code card to pay my lunch because the total of the food I took cost $ 5.06 in which I couldn’t pay with my CPE student bar code whose only $ 5. We know that the on-call bar code has $ 15. I gave the on-call bar code to the cashier but it didn’t work. She said that it was not enough money inside. Then I used my student bar code and reduce the food I have taken, so it cost less than $ 5. I was wondered about this incident because I never experienced expiration of using the bar code of on-call chaplain. I have experience couldn’t use my bar code student at least twice when I paid my lunch, then avoiding ‘difficulty’ that took longer time while some other people were behind me wanted to pay in hurry, I just paid my lunch with my own money pocket. It happened at least twice so far I can remember. It doesn’t matter at all for me. But, the event that happened with the on-call chaplain bar code made me very disappointed. It is supposed consist of $ 15 but I couldn’t use it early in my on-call duty. How fare it was? Seeing at the cafeteria there was Digna and James, my supervisors of CPE then I told them about this case. I appreciate James’ quick response. He asked the chief of cashier and she told me that it worked. She showed me a register of a cup of coffee that cost $ 0.8 using the number of the on-call chaplain bar code. Then, I was convinced that I could use it in the evening to buy some bottles of water for my on-call duty. Unfortunately, when I used this on-call bar code to pay for my $ 3.5 bottles of water (one bottle of Odwalla cost $ 2.5 and one Dasani water cost $ 1), it didn’t work again. At this time there was Trivedi, an Indian cashier who knows this case and tried to help but it didn’t work. She comforted me that I could take the bottle of water and tomorrow morning I should pay with the bar code on-call. Once again it made me disappointed again but luckily there is somebody who knows this case. Then on Saturday morning, with the witness of Father Stan I used this bar code chaplain to pay my breakfast that cost $ 1.5 and it worked properly then I told the morning cashier that I should pay the bottle of water I took yesterday that cost $ 3.5 and it worked again using this on call bar code. SO, I still wonder about this case. There are two possibilities on this situation, namely: The first one is the bar code didn’t work properly on my on-call day (however, Annie the on-call chaplain before me, saying to Digna and me that she only used this bar code chaplain in the Friday morning to pay only for her tea. I know as well that she is not a “breakfast person” as she always shares in the class). The second one is that in the bar code is really didn’t have enough money to pay my lunch ($ 5.06) or my bottles of water ($ 3.5) in the evening. I know that the chief cashier tried to use my bar code number to pay a cup of coffee ($ 0.8) and it worked, as she told me with James. It makes sense that it worked if only using less than $ 1, but in the evening I tried again to pay $ 3.5 it didn’t work. So, my rough conclusion is that this bar code on that day (Friday) didn’t have enough money to pay my meal or my bottle of water. What do you think about this, friends? I hope we can discuss this delicate issue that need to be clarified in openness and honesty with big heart and gentleness. If it is not clarified now, I am afraid that it triggers unnecessary suspicion that maybe not true. Do you have any suggestion to detect it? On Saturday morning when I passed the on-call duty to Dirk, I told this clearly that I have used about $ 5 for my breakfast including the bottle of water of last night that cost $ 3.5, so he still could use about $ 10 on Saturday.
MINISTRY REFLECTION FORMAT (VERBATIM)
I. DATA
CHAPLAIN NAME: DENNY WAHYUDI
MINISTRY REFLECTION: #4
DATE OF VISIT:
PATIENT’S NAME (fictitious name): John
AGE/RACE/GENDER: 89/Caucasian-American/Male
FAITH AFFILIATION: Catholic
MARITAL STATUS: Widower
NURSING UNIT: 6 West
TIME OF VISIT: third visit
NUMBER OF TIMES VISITED THIS PERSON: 3 times
LENGTH OF VISIT: 30 minutes
INDICATE WHETHER VISIT IS WITH PATIENT/FAMILY MEMBER/STAFF: patient only.
STAFF CONSULTATIONS: -
DIAGNOSIS: O-URIN TRACT INFECTION NOS
II. REASON FOR PRESENTING THIS VISIT:
I am impressed by the faith of the patient as he told me during my visit. His story how he converted and how he searched for his spirituality and religion then how he perceives his life as grace of God that he always be thankful gave me a lot of wisdom and real witness. His readiness to die soon or later peacefully and no complaint at all on his new diagnosed disease, that is, cancer in his stomach, I really admire of.
III. PREPARATION FOR VISIT/PREVIOUS VISITS:
As usual I did my daily visit to patients and he’s on my communion list, so I visited him as follow up of my two previous visits.
IV. CLINICAL OBSERVATIONS:
- Focus on physical setting: He’s the only patient in his room, sitting on the spot close to the window with the brightness of sunshine. There were white tunics covering Air Conditioner under the window. I was sitting on the bed facing the patient.
- Focus on the person: The patient was listening to the radio (Baseball game in which CUB play in
V. THE VISIT
C = Chaplain
P = Parishioner
C1: Hi John, how are you? (The patient was sleeping on his chair on the corner of his room. He’s the only patient at this room. He’s listening to radio, CUB plays in
P1: Hi Denny, come in, sit here.
C2: Thank you, John (I came closer to him and as usual I sit on the bed, facing him who was sitting on his chair). So, how are you doing today?
P2: Fine, I have test this morning and I am waiting for the result. Maybe today they will give me the result and probably tomorrow I may go home. So, how are you today? Are you busy to visit patients?
C3: I’m fine. Yes, as usual I have about 17 patients to visit today. Not that bad. How is it so far your health?
P3: I’m getting better now. The doctor said yesterday that I have cancer in my stomach and it will spread in my body. I don’t want have chemotherapy. I’m ready to die or what happen next I’m ready.
C4: O yes, you have told me about that yesterday. How about your daughter, does she visit you today?
P4: Yes, she will come in the evening. She is working now.
C5: How do you feel now?
P5: I feel I’m ready to whatever possibility that will happen to me. I have been grateful to my age now. I think I’m happy with my life and I’m ready to leave.
What do you mean to leave?
C6: What do you mean to leave?
P6: I mean, I am ready to leave for my home here in the world and my home when I die.
C7: So, you live by yourself in your home?
P7: Yes. Sometimes, my daughter takes me to shopping mall and to church. I’m happy with my family. They have been great for me.
C8: That’s wonderful that you have family who take care of you. Bye the way, when was your wife passed away?
P8: It’s about 10 years ago, in 1995, then I live by myself. After that, my sight was decreasing. I couldn’t see clearly as I used to be, so I after 6 months my wife passed away, I didn’t drive anymore. My daughter always helps me to go somewhere.
C9: It must be difficult that you have to give us little by little, to be dependent to others starting from little things.
P9: Yes, it’s difficult but in process finally I can give up many things and it’s good that my daughter is willingly helping me out.
C10: So, what is your plan in the near future?
P10: Probably, I will end up in a hospice, either in my own house or in hospital or wherever I am ready.
C11: Once again you are ready with your open heart to give up your future into God’s hands through the doctors and your family. Honestly, I am impressed by your witness. Often times I see some elderly patients, mostly old men who have similar behavior like you. You have inner and depth peace, happiness in your heart. I can see in your face that always expresses smile and welcome others.
P11: Well, with my age like now, what I can hope more. I am always grateful to God and my life experience in so many years.
C12: Thank you very much, John for your wonderful witness to me. In your deep faith and your surrendering to God’s love, you give me real example of faithful fellow. By the way, what do you listen to this tape?
P12: I was listening to the radio, the baseball game, Cub who plays in
C13: Why don’t you watch this game on TV?
P13: (The patient pointed his own eyes) I can’t see clearly the TV with this distant. In my own house I can see TV with close distant but not here. It’s too far from my eyes.
C14: O, I see. So, you love baseball game. You’re fan of CUB?
P14: Yes, sure.
C15: So, now you are ready to receive communion?
P15: Yes, I am ready.
C16: Let us pray, In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. O Merciful God, thank you for your grace that you have given to us especially to John with special care and love you shown to him in his old age. Through his loving family, through the doctors and the nurses you have given him privilege of life in this world. We thank you and praise you, O God with all of these blessing. Thank you, O God for the great witness of his faith that he has shown to me. We believe that you have given this great faith of surrender only in your will. We ask that you continue to accompany him in his life journey in this world, so that you grant him healing power if it is your will and moreover your peace is always in his mind, heart, soul, and spirit. We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen. Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy. Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world have mercy on us, Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world have mercy on us, Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, grant us peace. This is the body of Christ who takes away the sins of the world, happy are we who called to this supper. Lord, I’m not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed. The body of Christ, John. Amen. Let us pray. O merciful God, thank you for your presence, real presence in the body of Christ that now remain in John’s body. We ask you to continue to give John strength, hope and great faith that you always give to him in his life’s journey. May he always have peace in his mind, heart, spirit and soul in you. Through Christ our savior, forever and ever. Amen. May the peace of God and the healing power of Jesus Christ always upon you, John, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Thank you, John.
P16: Thank you, Father. O, sorry, I always call you father.
C17: It’s OK. I’m still seminarian.
P17: Where are you going to go after your program here?
C18: I will return to my seminary in
P18: O, Wonderful. I’m interested in spirituality. I wish I could attend the class of this major. It must be interesting. It’s important for you. We always need priest. You will be a good priest.
C19: Thank you. How do you become a Catholic?
P19: Actually, I was not a Catholic. When I was a kid, I was a Protestant. My mother always took me to different kind of churches to attend Sunday school. I was searching for religion after I was married. I was married in 1942. I liked to learn of Eastern religion that shows contemplative and silence in God. Eventually, I found it in Catholic that has monastic life. My wife followed me in practical ways because she saw that our children would be good in Catholic schools. But, I have my own reason to embrace Catholicism that is my spiritual reason, deep in my own heart. I always feel peace in the church, in meditation, silence and listening to the music of the Church. Wow, it’s wonderful. Actually, I was in the third order of OCD, but after the second Vatican Council, I left.
C20: What was the reason you left?
P20: I found out that there were a lot of changes afterward. I had to make appointment to have confession to a priest and there was no more reverence to the sacrament. Silently, I left this third order even though I ever became a prior.
C21: Where did you live at that time?
P21: I lived in
C22: How many people with you at that time?
P22: There were about 40 people, man and women.
C23: How about your wife, did she join you in this third order?
P23: No, only me. Sometimes we had meeting in Holy Hill Monastery in
C24: O, that’s great. So, you have great experience in your spirituality. I guess it’s more than a seminarian or a religious now. John, Thank you so much for your sharing to me. It’s really great example of your spirituality when you’re young and I still see in you, your deep faith that you express in this reality of your life. Thank you, I appreciate it this conversation and your kindness to tell me about all of these.
P24: Thank you, I hope and pray so that you will have good life in your ministry, success in your study and to be a good priest. Maybe tomorrow if I will go home and not to see you again, I will pray for you.
C25: Thank you, John. We’ll meet you in our prayer in the spirit of God, we are going to meet each other. Thank you, Have a wonderful evening and restful sleep. Bye.
P25: Thank you, bye (Shaking hand).
VI. ANALYSIS OF YOUR MINISTRY
A. CHAPLAIN
I felt that I was being accepted warmly by the patient since my first visit and I just continued this feeling and my follow up visits. During the visit, I was impressed by his faith and his point of view and his witness. All of his spoken and unspoken word was just giving me insight and good example. I like to identify myself to his spirituality in surrender and total giving up in God’s hands. I was doing well in inviting him to tell his experience of his spirituality in the third order and his future hope that he honestly explained to me. Probably, I could explore more about his spirituality and how he understands God in his daily journey. I could learn more about his life witness.
B. PATIENT
I could see in the patient, great peace in deep heart and deep spirituality. In his surrender to God’s will, he told his feeling and his hope that he always is ready to leave for God. His unspoken word is his gesture to respect my presence as a chaplain in which he often times calls me, “Father.” He has very high respect to priest that I believe as his practical teaching in his young age that he still keeps it until now. His main concern is his readiness to whatever possibility he is going to receive regards his health. Therefore, his spirituality to leave this world whenever God calls him is so high.
C. CAREGIVER
I could see that his relationship with his daughter whom I met once was very good. He told this as well in our conversation. The way they express their love (greeting with kissing as father and daughter) that I could see when the daughter was leaving was really struck me. The daughter is very grateful to his father and her concern of him is so evident. The way the daughter treats this patient with taking him to shopping and the church are very evident of her care and love to her father.
D. FAMILY DYNAMICS/SYSTEMS
I don’t know what original culture or nationality of this family but I can see that they are American born and still keep tightly the meaning of family that love to the parents is very high value. The daughter’s behavior and treatment to the father is symbolizing the value of this family in supporting each other. I believe the last years, months, days and seconds of the patient will be in the care of his family, especially his daughter. I don’t know if I have this family system I my own family because recently, there is a friction between my father with my oldest sister’s husband that influences a lot to the relationship of my father to my sister and her children. I hope that they will have reconciliation in future days, I don’t know when. But, I’m glad that my sister can be a mediator that still keeps in touch with my father even though it’s different in many ways.
E. HUMAN THEMES
Openness and welcoming to others, deep joyful in heart, respect, love to family members, care and concern to elderly, readiness to give up little by little and everything, process of dependent to others in family.
I’m impressed with the spirituality of welcoming others by the patient. I was feeling very accepted by him in my first visit in which he pleased me to sit on his bed and he told me many things including the previous chaplain who has visited him and he remembered him (Dirk that is a Lutheran) and he talked nicely about Dirk.
F. THEOLOGICAL THEMES
Surrendering in God’s will in old age totally. Deep spirituality in heart and contemplation, hope in the world and eternal life, communion with God and others. The biblical image is like Simeon who was after seeing Jesus, the Savior, he said that he was ready to go back to God. “Now, Master, you may let your servant go in peace, according to our word, for my eyes have seen your salvation, which you prepared in sight of all the peoples, a light for revelation to the Gentiles and glory for your people Israel” (Luke 2:29-32). In addition, his sharing about Catholic pre Vatican Council gave me insight and real witness how he lives out his spirituality in simple, reverence and contemplative ways that he thinks is so different with post Vatican Council.
I think the main theme here is the inner depth spirituality that the patient shows plus his total surrender to God’s will in his almost end of life, once again, give me great witness and example how I have to surrender to God’s plan and not my own will and hope. I see he can transform and transcend his situation and difficulty in God’s will. I think it is a real impact of his deep spirituality he has searched for when he was young and he found it, that is contemplative in Catholicism. Even though, the Catholic teaching has changed after the Second Vatican Council that he is not agree fully, he eventually can accept and compromise with returning again to Catholic faith. His process of faith has been challenged by the time and he can stand and revive again with his own way. I can easily identify and want to live out my own spirituality with this patient, that is contemplative and total surrender only in God’s hands in whatever situation I have to face in my life. I want to be like him in many positive ways such as open and welcome others warmly, keep principle of personal faith and to be flexible with new teaching of the Church.
G. KEY LEARNINGS
I learn of this visit: deep spirituality of the patient that comes from his inner contemplative life and his surrender to God in total way. This key learning is connected to my learning goal (professional goal) that is able to do the clinical visit with applying what I have learned especially in good listening. Because I have been impressed by the patient’s witness, I couldn’t wait this experience to be realized into words becoming this Verbatim, so directly at night I write it down as I remember freshly what we were talking about today.
H. PASTORAL CARE
I learn of this visit: exploring more about the spiritual life and old story of the patient regards his contemplative life and his adaptation to the changing (the Second Vatican Council), to be a good listener and affirming the real witness of the patient in his faith. I guess in the near future as a chaplain, one could focus on the accompaniment on his last journey facing his last days and his terminal illness. I believe that the patient has already great readiness to his death, so the role of a chaplain here is as a company and shepherd whom he admires and respects as he practices his spirituality.
My role here is a chaplain, a learner and observer of the patient regards his faith and real witness, giving affirmation, a company, in liturgical in giving communion and leading the Catholic prayer and sacrament.
I. CHARTING
I did follow up visit, had mutual conversation and gave communion.
VII. SHARING THE LOAD
O Merciful God, thank you for your love that you have given to John in his great number of years of life. Thank you for the family, the doctors and the nurses who always give good care for him in these days. We ask that you continue to grant him healing power in this special moment and place. Let his total surrender to your compassion becomes fruitfully realize in his life now in this world and in the eternal life with you. You’re source of life and you’re source of consolation, give him always great heart to be ready in your loving care through many people who share care and love to him. Make his faith example to be great fruitfully grow and influence to others especially the family and all who see the goodness of yourself through him. Through Christ, our Lord. Amen.
O Most merciful God, Thank you once again for your real love that you have shown to me through your beloved son, John. With his life and his conversation spoken and unspoken word, you have revealed your compassion and great faith surrender. May his fruitful life and faithfulness are becoming my spiritual life and let his daily acceptance to others and your will become my pattern in process of my belief and surrender to you. And let his human openness and welcoming spirit become my habit toward others so that I could live fully in your name and your will, not me O God, not me but only in your will that is the most wonderful in my life. Amen.
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