surat ke-4 bulan Februari 2005

4) 3rd Sunday of Lent, February 27, 2005

Monday, February 21, 2005. “In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all those people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers. It was like waking from a dream of separateness of spurious self-isolation in a special world, the world of renunciation and supposed holiness. The whole illusion of a separate holy existence is a dream. Not that I question the reality of my vocation, or of my monastic life: but the conception of ‘separation from the world’ that we have in the monastery too easily presents itself as a complete illusion: the illusion that by making vows we become a different species of being, pseudo-angels, ‘spiritual men,’ men of interior life, what have you. …Thank God, thank God that I am like other men, that I am only a man among others” (Thomas Merton).

This week I learn about Thomas Merton from my both courses at CTU, Spirituality in a new millennium and Quest of justice (ethic). That’s why I quote some remarks this week from Thomas Merton’s reading. I am impressed to his spirituality that never satisfied to settle in one spirituality but always tried to find the meaning of life in solitude, concerned on social problem even world problem, opened to other spirituality especially between West and East, and paradox in his life journey in many aspects.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005. “Sin is trying to avoid inevitable suffering” (Carol Stuhlmuller).

Finally, I got grade report of one of my spirituality studies in the Summer Class 2004 from the registration office after I asked many times to Maria. I was awe stricken by many facilities at CTU library especially some tapes and videocassettes about spirituality, bible and other interesting things. So, I borrowed some of them. I got a DVD from Father Pascal that he bought via Amazon.com, entitled Dietrich Bonhoeffer for my Spirituality in a new Millennium. I am going to use it for my presentation of this class in April 11. I couldn’t wait to see it, then I watched it in the afternoon. Many things I can learn of it but I will write it later when the time comes for me to present it.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005. “Hate is the seed of death in my own heart, while it seeks the death of the other. Love is the seed of life in my own heart when it seeks the good of other” (Thomas Merton).

In the morning I met Dawn Notwehr, OSF the director of M.Div program at CTU to discuss about my study especially my credit transfer. In result, she made a proposal of two more subjects for transfer, namely, religion in context (Complementary Core) that I proposed my Asian Theology class and Preaching class in which I proposed my homiletic and catechetic classes I have received in my previous studies in Indonesia. She proceeded them to the dean of CTU, Gary Riebe, SVD and I just wait and see the result in the coming days.

Thursday, February 24, 2005. “So instead of loving what you think is peace, love other men and love God above all. And instead of hating the people you think are warmakers, hate the appetites and the disorder in your own soul, which are the causes of war. If you love peace then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed but hate these things in yourself not in another” (Thomas Merton).

In the evening after the supper, we had a community meeting about evaluation of our community project of life (vow of mission).

Friday, February 25, 2005. “For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self” (Thomas Merton).

In the morning after the Mass, I headed to Saint Therese Church to meet Father Michael for spiritual direction. I remained there and read my CTU course for next week. In the evening as a community of Hyde Park we gathered at Saint Therese Church to pray the way of cross at 7 p.m. and had fish fry at 6 p.m. with the parishioners.

Saturday, February 26, 2005. “Our service of God and of the Church does not consist only in talking and doing. It can also consist in periods of silence, listening and waiting. Perhaps it is very important, in our era of violence and unrest, to rediscover meditation, silent inner unitive prayer, and creative Christian silence” (Thomas Merton).

In the morning Mass presided by Father Victor, I uttered my reflection on the Gospel reading today as I shared here. Since morning to noon I did some work at the basement, laundry and at noon I took a walk at downtown to buy some souvenirs for my niece in Ponorogo-Indonesia. In the afternoon Ignas picked me up to Saint Therese Chinatown then we (Petrus, Dharmawan, Ignas and I) went to Edi’s house to celebrate Edi’s birthday. I saw Petrus and Dharmawan prepared booklets for Petrus’ final vows celebration that will be held at Saint Therese next week, on Sunday, May 6th.

Reflection on Luke 15:11-32 (Saturday, February 26, 2005)

Almost at the end of my novitiate year, a psychologist lady was saying to me that I have a deep trauma of lost of father’s figure. She bombarded and pursued me with many interrogative questions in which she wanted raised my anger. But, at that time I couldn’t be angry since I had accepted my father as my father in his uniqueness both positive and negative. Then she claimed me as a conformist person. I faced such a difficult time that I thought it would impact on my continuation to my vocation life in the Xaverians but eventually I could go ahead make my first profession and until now I still have strength and perseverance in living out my vocation. Actually, I don’t deny that in fact I have bad and hard time experiencing dark side of my father’s life. In the other side, probably people outside never knew that my father also has a positive side in taking responsibility of his five children. People normally talk only the bad side of my father’s life and they wonder when see that all of us as his children do not follow his bad side. It could happen because of my father’s strength and discipline in educating us to do much better things than he has done and never imitate his bad attitude. Every time I went home to take vacation, my father always invited me to go to a dinner in a restaurant both on my first day and last day of staying at my hometown. Even he took me to a bus or train station until I left him. I experienced the same good experience when I left for Philadelphia last year doing ministry in which three of my formators (Xaverian fathers) here in Chicago gave me warm and best wishes to me and one of them took me to the airport. When I returned to Chicago, my rector offered me dinner at a restaurant for supper. Even he offered me to pick me up at the airport. It’s exactly reminded me a nice experience with my own father.

In the Gospel today we know that the key figure is the Father as a representative of God’s unconditional love to both his sons. The quality of the father on this account is evident with his action when his prodigal son returned home. This father has initiative to welcome him: ‘his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him’ then ‘quickly, bring out a robe, the best one and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet….and celebration.’ Facing the older son who is jealous and grumbling to the younger brother, this father has a prudent approach as well: ‘his father came out and began to plead with him.’ The father tries to make peace to both sons especially the older son, saying “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.”

Reading and seeing the cover a book of Henri J. Nouwen entitled ‘The Return of the Prodigal Son’ with a painting of Rembrandt’s ‘The Return of the Prodigal Son,’ gives me a clear image how good it is the quality of the father in the Gospel account. His hands depict a hand of a mother and a father. He embraces his younger son with full of compassion, forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude. The big themes completely filled this painting and account such as homecoming, affirmation, reconciliation that will be known by those who are enduring loneliness, dejection, jealousy and anger. The ultimate message for us at this time is the challenge to love as the father and be loved as the son. How do we practice the act of the father in accepting others wholeheartedly and as a younger son who is willing to receive the compassion and pure love of the father?

We are invited and called to see our whole life in this picture, the picture of homecoming and identify to three figures: the father, the older son and the younger son. As a matter of fact, each one of us can reflect that in some period of time we can be the older son when we have jealousy, pride, stereotype, closed mind, self-pity and unsatisfactory to the father. Sometimes in our life we can be the younger son who run away from the father’s love and squandered the property given by the father. We can take the good process of conversion of the younger son: contrition (realizing that his life in the impact of his sin is not worth), confession (coming back to the father and saying that ‘I am no longer worthy to be called your son’) and penance (receiving the father’s love and acceptance).

Moreover, we should imitate the father as our ultimate goal in our life’s journey. From the Rembrandt’s painting, we can see that from him comes all the light, intended that our primary attention go to the father before anyone else. Being in the Father’s house requires that I make the Father’s life my own and become transformed in his image. Looking the pictures of my father, my siblings and myself, immediately I can see similar features I have and inherit of my father. Indeed, I am an heir, successor of my father who has positive and negative sides in his life and I have to realize and aware that I have both sides as well that sometimes misunderstood and condemned by others, as my father was by me. Finally, I am looking forward to experience my next homecoming (2007) to my own father and my ‘fathers’ and patiently walking in the process to become a ‘father’ who expresses qualities of the father in full of compassion, gratitude, open hearted, forgiveness as the Father in heaven.

Sunday, February 27, 2005. “The secret of my identity is hidden in the love and mercy of God. If I find Him I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him…The only One who can teach me to find God is God, Himself alone” (Thomas Merton).

In the morning I attended the Mass at Saint Thomas at 8 o’clock. I cooked today for community: green bean porridge, beef soup (Soto Madura), crackers and rice. After taking a nap for a while, I finalize this weekly journal and sent it as usual via e-mail. I was very impressed by the Merton’s prayer that we prayed at the class of spirituality in a new millennium as I copy below:

Merton’s Famous Prayer

My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really understand myself.
And the fact that I think I am following
Your will does not mean I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
Does in fact please you.
And I hope I have desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
Though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may
seem to be lost in the shadow of death.
I will not fear you are ever with me and
You will never leave me to face my troubles alone.

4) Hari Minggu Masa Pra-Paskah ke-3, 27 Februari 2005

Senin, 21 Februari 2005. “Di Louisville, di sudut jalan antara Fourth and Walnut, di pusat perbelanjaan, aku tiba-tiba merasakan kegembiraan yang meluap-luap dengan kenyataan bahwa aku mencintai semua orang ini, bahwa mereka adalah milikku dan aku adalah milik mereka, bahwa mereka tak dapat menjadi asing satu sama lain kendati kami semua tidak saling kenal. Ini mirip dengan sadar dari mimpi keterpisahan isolasi diri yang palsu dalam suatu dunia yang khusus, dunia yang meninggalkan hal duniawi dan semestinya dalam kekudusan. Seluruh ilusi dari suatu keberadaan keterpisahan yang kudus adalah suatu mimpi. Bukan bahwa saya mempertanyakan realitas panggilanku, atau kehidupan membiara/bertapaku: namun pemahaman dari ‘keterpisahan dari dunia’ yang kami miliki dalam pertapaan terlalu mudah menghadirkan diri sebagai seuatu ilusi yang utuh: ilusi dengan mengikrarkan kaul-kaul kami menjadi suatu makhluk yang khusus, serupa malaikat, ‘manusia spiritual/rohani’, manusia dengan hidup batin, apa pun yang telah kamu…Syukur kepada Allah, syukur kepada Allah bahwa aku seperti orang lain juga, bahwa aku hanya seorang manusia diantara manusia-manusia lainnya” (Thomas Merton).

Minggu ini saya belajar tentang Thomas Merton dari kedua matakuliah saya di CTU yaitu Spiritualitas dalam millennium baru dan kelas etika (pencarian keadilan). Itulah mengapa saya mengutip sebagian besar kutipan jurnal minggu ini dari bacaan tentang Thomas Merton. Saya terkesan pada spiritualitasnya yang tak pernah puas untuk berhenti menetap dalam sebuah spiritualitas namun selalu mencoba menemukan makan kehidupan dalam kesunyian, perhatian pada masalah sosial bahkan masalah dunia, terbuka pada spiritualitas lain khususn antara Barat dan Timur, dan paradox dalam perjalanan panggilan hidupnya dalam banyak aspek.

Selasa, 22 Februari 2005. “Dosa adalah mencoba untuk menghindarkan diri dari penderitaan yang tak terhindarkan” (Carol Stuhlmuller).

Akhrnya, saya mendapatkan laporan nilai dari satu matakuliah yang saya ambil saat musim panas 2004 lalu yaitu sebuah kelas spiritualitas yang saya dapat dari kantor registrasi setelah saya minta kepada Maria Lemus beberapa kali. Saya terkagum dengan banyaknya fasilitas di perpustakaan CTU khususnya beberapa kaset tape dan video tentang spiritualitas, Kitab Suci dan banyak hal lain yang menarik. Maka saya meminjam beberapa tape kaset ini. Saya mendapatkan sebuah DVD dari Pastor Pascal yang ia beli dari Amazon.com, berjudul Dietrich Bonhoeffer untuk kuliah spiritualitas saya yaitu Spiritualitas untuk millennium baru. Saya akan menggunakannya untuk bahan presentasi kelas ini pada tanggal 11 April nanti. Saya tak sabar menunggu ingin melihat film ini maka sore hari saya menontonnya. Banyak hal yang saya dapat pelajari dari DVD ini namun saya akan menulisnya nanti ketika saatnya tiba bagiku untuk mempresentasikannya.

Rabu, 23 Februari 2005. “Kebencian adalah benih dari kematian dalam hatiku, sementara benih ini mencari kematian orang lain. Cinta adalah benih kehidupan dalam hatiku sendiri ketika benih ini mencari kebaikan dari orang lain” (Thomas Merton).

Pagi ini saya menemui Suster Dawn Notwehr, OSF direktur dari program M.Div di CTU untuk membicarakan program kuliah saya khususnya tranfer kredit saya. Alhasil, ia membuat sebuah permohonan untuk penambahan tranfer kredit dua matakuliah, yaitu: agama dalam konteks (Complementary Core) yang saya usulkan dengan studi saya Teologi Asia dan Kelas Khotbah di mana saya mengusulkan matakuliah homiletika dan kateketik yang pernah saya ambil dalam studi saya sebelumnya di STF Driyarkara di Jakarta-Indonesia. Ia meneruskan permohonan ini kepada dekan CTU yaituGary Riebe, SVD dan saya hanya menunggu dan melihat nanti apa pun hasilnya dalam hari-hari mendatang.

Kamis, 24 Februari 2005. “Maka daripada mencintai apa yang kamu pikir adalah kedamaian, kasihilah orang lain dan kasihilah Allah di atas segalanya. Dan daripada membenci orang yang kamu pikir adalah pembuat keributan, bencilah nafsu-hasrat dan ketidakteraturan dalam jiwamu sendiri, yang adalah penyebab keributan atau perang ini. Jika kamu mencintai kedamaian maka bencilah ketidakadilan, bencilah tirani, bencilah keserakahan, namun bencilah hal ini semua dalam dirimu bukan dalam diri sesamamu” (Thomas Merton).

Malam hari setelah makan malam, kami mengadakan pertemuan komunitas mengevaluasi proyek hidup komunitas kami (kaul misi).

Jumat, 25 Februari 2005. “Bagiku menjadi seorang kudus berarti menjadi diriku sendiri. Oleh karena itu masalah kekudusan dan keselamatan dalam kenyataannya adalah menemukan siapa diriku dan penemuan jati diriku” (Thomas Merton).

Pagi hari setelah misa, saya pergi ke Gereja Santa Theresia, Chinatown untuk menemui Pastor Michael untuk bimbingan rohani. Saya tetap tinggal di sana dan membaca bahan bacaan kuliah saya untuk minggu depan. Sore harinya sebagai komunitas dari Hyde Park kami mengikuti doa jalan salib di gereja ini jam 7 dan ikut makan malam bersama para umat jam 6 di basement dengan menu ikan (tradisi hari Jumat di USA ini).

Sabtu, 26 Februari 2005. “Pelayananku akan Allah dan pada Gereja tidak terdiri hanya dari berbicara dan mengerjakan sesuatu. Ini juga dapat terdiri dari periode keheningan, mendengarkan dan menunggu. Barangkali hali ini sungguh amat penting, dalam masa kekerasan dan kerusuhan, untuk menemukan kembali meditasi, doa dengan keheningan batin yang menyatu, dan keheningan Kristiani yang kreatif” (Thomas Merton).

Dalam misa pagi yang dipimpin oleh Pastor Victor, saya memberikan refleksi saya atas bacaan Injil hari ini dan saya sharingkan di sini juga. Sejak pagi hingga tengah hari saya membersihkan basement, cuci & seterika baju dan siang harinya saya jalan-jalan ke downtown untuk membeli sesuatu oleh-oleh untuk keponakan saya di Ponorogo-Indonesia. Di sore hari Ignas menjemputku untuk pergi ke Gereja Santa Theresia lalu kami bereempat (Petrus, Dharmawan, Ignas dan saya) pergi ke rumah Edi untuk merayakan ulang tahun Edi. Saya melihat Petrus dan Dharmawan sibuk mempersiapkan booklet untuk acara perayaan kaul kekal Frater Petrus minggu depan yaitu tepatnya hari Minggu, 6 Mei di Gereja Santa Theresia. (Untuk renungan atas bacaan Injil Lukas 15:11-32 yaitu ‘anak yang hilang’ bisa dilihat di atas – edisi bahasa Inggrisnya).

Minggu, 27 Februari 2005. “Rahasia identitas diriku adalah tersembunyi dalam kasih dan kebaikan Allah. Jika saya menemukan Dia saya akan menemukan diriku sendiri dan jika saya menemukan jati diriku sendiri saya akan menemukan Dia…Satu-satunya orang yang dapat mengajarku untuk menemukan Allah adalah Allah, Allah, Dia sendiri” (Thomas Merton).

Pagi hari saya menghadiri misa di Gereja Santo Thomas jam 8. Saya hari ini memasak untuk komunitas: bubur kacang ijo, Soto Madura, krupuk dan nasi. Setelah istirahat siang sebentar, saya merampungkan jurnal mingguan ini lalu segera mengirimkannya lewat e-mail seperti biasa. Saya terkesan sekali dengan doa yang kami doakan di kelas spiritualitas dalam millennium baru di CTU yaitu doa Thomas Merton seperti saya kutip di bawah ini:

Doa Terkenal dari Thomas Merton

O Tuhan Allahku
Aku tak tahu ke mana aku pergi.
Aku tak melihat jalan di depanku.
Aku tak dapat mengetahui pasti di mana ini akan berakhir.
Tidak pula aku sungguh memahami diriku sendiri.
Dan kenyataannya adalah aku berpikir aku sedang mengikuti
KehendakMu tidak berarti aku sungguh sedang melakukannya.
Namun aku percaya bahwa keinginan untuk menyenangkan dikau
Dalam kenyataan membuat Dikau senang.
Kuberharap memiliki keinginan dalam segala apa yang aku sedang lakukan.
Kuberharap bahwa aku tak pernah melakukan sesuatu jauh dari keinginan itu.
Dan aku mengetahui bahwa jika aku melakukan ini,
kamu akan memimbimbingku di jalan yang benar
Meskipun aku mungkin tidak mengetahui apa pun tentang hal ini.
Oleh karena itu aku percaya kepadamu selalu meskipun aku mungkin nampak
Hilang tersesat dalam bayang-bayang kematian.
Aku tidak akan takut karena Dikau bersamaku dan
Dikau tak akan pernah meninggalkan aku menghadapi kesulitan-kesulitan sendiri.