4) 3rd Sunday of Lent, February 27, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005. “In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all those people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers. It was like waking from a dream of separateness of spurious self-isolation in a special world, the world of renunciation and supposed holiness. The whole illusion of a separate holy existence is a dream. Not that I question the reality of my vocation, or of my monastic life: but the conception of ‘separation from the world’ that we have in the monastery too easily presents itself as a complete illusion: the illusion that by making vows we become a different species of being, pseudo-angels, ‘spiritual men,’ men of interior life, what have you. …Thank God, thank God that I am like other men, that I am only a man among others” (Thomas Merton).
This week I learn about Thomas Merton from my both courses at CTU, Spirituality in a new millennium and Quest of justice (ethic). That’s why I quote some remarks this week from Thomas Merton’s reading. I am impressed to his spirituality that never satisfied to settle in one spirituality but always tried to find the meaning of life in solitude, concerned on social problem even world problem, opened to other spirituality especially between West and East, and paradox in his life journey in many aspects.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005. “Sin is trying to avoid inevitable suffering” (Carol Stuhlmuller).
Finally, I got grade report of one of my spirituality studies in the Summer Class 2004 from the registration office after I asked many times to Maria. I was awe stricken by many facilities at CTU library especially some tapes and videocassettes about spirituality, bible and other interesting things. So, I borrowed some of them. I got a DVD from Father Pascal that he bought via Amazon.com, entitled Dietrich Bonhoeffer for my Spirituality in a new Millennium. I am going to use it for my presentation of this class in April 11. I couldn’t wait to see it, then I watched it in the afternoon. Many things I can learn of it but I will write it later when the time comes for me to present it.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005. “Hate is the seed of death in my own heart, while it seeks the death of the other. Love is the seed of life in my own heart when it seeks the good of other” (Thomas Merton).
In the morning I met Dawn Notwehr, OSF the director of M.Div program at CTU to discuss about my study especially my credit transfer. In result, she made a proposal of two more subjects for transfer, namely, religion in context (Complementary Core) that I proposed my Asian Theology class and Preaching class in which I proposed my homiletic and catechetic classes I have received in my previous studies in Indonesia. She proceeded them to the dean of CTU, Gary Riebe, SVD and I just wait and see the result in the coming days.
Thursday, February 24, 2005. “So instead of loving what you think is peace, love other men and love God above all. And instead of hating the people you think are warmakers, hate the appetites and the disorder in your own soul, which are the causes of war. If you love peace then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed but hate these things in yourself not in another” (Thomas Merton).
In the evening after the supper, we had a community meeting about evaluation of our community project of life (vow of mission).
Friday, February 25, 2005. “For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self” (Thomas Merton).
In the morning after the Mass, I headed to Saint Therese Church to meet Father Michael for spiritual direction. I remained there and read my CTU course for next week. In the evening as a community of Hyde Park we gathered at Saint Therese Church to pray the way of cross at 7 p.m. and had fish fry at 6 p.m. with the parishioners.
Saturday, February 26, 2005. “Our service of God and of the Church does not consist only in talking and doing. It can also consist in periods of silence, listening and waiting. Perhaps it is very important, in our era of violence and unrest, to rediscover meditation, silent inner unitive prayer, and creative Christian silence” (Thomas Merton).
In the morning Mass presided by Father Victor, I uttered my reflection on the Gospel reading today as I shared here. Since morning to noon I did some work at the basement, laundry and at noon I took a walk at downtown to buy some souvenirs for my niece in Ponorogo-Indonesia. In the afternoon Ignas picked me up to Saint Therese Chinatown then we (Petrus, Dharmawan, Ignas and I) went to Edi’s house to celebrate Edi’s birthday. I saw Petrus and Dharmawan prepared booklets for Petrus’ final vows celebration that will be held at Saint Therese next week, on Sunday, May 6th.
Reflection on Luke 15:11-32 (Saturday, February 26, 2005)
Almost at the end of my novitiate year, a psychologist lady was saying to me that I have a deep trauma of lost of father’s figure. She bombarded and pursued me with many interrogative questions in which she wanted raised my anger. But, at that time I couldn’t be angry since I had accepted my father as my father in his uniqueness both positive and negative. Then she claimed me as a conformist person. I faced such a difficult time that I thought it would impact on my continuation to my vocation life in the Xaverians but eventually I could go ahead make my first profession and until now I still have strength and perseverance in living out my vocation. Actually, I don’t deny that in fact I have bad and hard time experiencing dark side of my father’s life. In the other side, probably people outside never knew that my father also has a positive side in taking responsibility of his five children. People normally talk only the bad side of my father’s life and they wonder when see that all of us as his children do not follow his bad side. It could happen because of my father’s strength and discipline in educating us to do much better things than he has done and never imitate his bad attitude. Every time I went home to take vacation, my father always invited me to go to a dinner in a restaurant both on my first day and last day of staying at my hometown. Even he took me to a bus or train station until I left him. I experienced the same good experience when I left for Philadelphia last year doing ministry in which three of my formators (Xaverian fathers) here in Chicago gave me warm and best wishes to me and one of them took me to the airport. When I returned to Chicago, my rector offered me dinner at a restaurant for supper. Even he offered me to pick me up at the airport. It’s exactly reminded me a nice experience with my own father.
In the Gospel today we know that the key figure is the Father as a representative of God’s unconditional love to both his sons. The quality of the father on this account is evident with his action when his prodigal son returned home. This father has initiative to welcome him: ‘his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him’ then ‘quickly, bring out a robe, the best one and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet….and celebration.’ Facing the older son who is jealous and grumbling to the younger brother, this father has a prudent approach as well: ‘his father came out and began to plead with him.’ The father tries to make peace to both sons especially the older son, saying “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, because this brother of yours was dead and has come to life; he was lost and has been found.”
Reading and seeing the cover a book of Henri J. Nouwen entitled ‘The Return of the Prodigal Son’ with a painting of Rembrandt’s ‘The Return of the Prodigal Son,’ gives me a clear image how good it is the quality of the father in the Gospel account. His hands depict a hand of a mother and a father. He embraces his younger son with full of compassion, forgiveness, acceptance and gratitude. The big themes completely filled this painting and account such as homecoming, affirmation, reconciliation that will be known by those who are enduring loneliness, dejection, jealousy and anger. The ultimate message for us at this time is the challenge to love as the father and be loved as the son. How do we practice the act of the father in accepting others wholeheartedly and as a younger son who is willing to receive the compassion and pure love of the father?
We are invited and called to see our whole life in this picture, the picture of homecoming and identify to three figures: the father, the older son and the younger son. As a matter of fact, each one of us can reflect that in some period of time we can be the older son when we have jealousy, pride, stereotype, closed mind, self-pity and unsatisfactory to the father. Sometimes in our life we can be the younger son who run away from the father’s love and squandered the property given by the father. We can take the good process of conversion of the younger son: contrition (realizing that his life in the impact of his sin is not worth), confession (coming back to the father and saying that ‘I am no longer worthy to be called your son’) and penance (receiving the father’s love and acceptance).
Moreover, we should imitate the father as our ultimate goal in our life’s journey. From the Rembrandt’s painting, we can see that from him comes all the light, intended that our primary attention go to the father before anyone else. Being in the Father’s house requires that I make the Father’s life my own and become transformed in his image. Looking the pictures of my father, my siblings and myself, immediately I can see similar features I have and inherit of my father. Indeed, I am an heir, successor of my father who has positive and negative sides in his life and I have to realize and aware that I have both sides as well that sometimes misunderstood and condemned by others, as my father was by me. Finally, I am looking forward to experience my next homecoming (2007) to my own father and my ‘fathers’ and patiently walking in the process to become a ‘father’ who expresses qualities of the father in full of compassion, gratitude, open hearted, forgiveness as the Father in heaven.
Sunday, February 27, 2005. “The secret of my identity is hidden in the love and mercy of God. If I find Him I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him…The only One who can teach me to find God is God, Himself alone” (Thomas Merton).
In the morning I attended the Mass at Saint Thomas at 8 o’clock. I cooked today for community: green bean porridge, beef soup (Soto Madura), crackers and rice. After taking a nap for a while, I finalize this weekly journal and sent it as usual via e-mail. I was very impressed by the Merton’s prayer that we prayed at the class of spirituality in a new millennium as I copy below:
Merton’s Famous Prayer
My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really understand myself.
And the fact that I think I am following
Your will does not mean I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
Does in fact please you.
And I hope I have desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
Though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may
seem to be lost in the shadow of death.
I will not fear you are ever with me and
You will never leave me to face my troubles alone.
4) Hari Minggu Masa Pra-Paskah ke-3, 27 Februari 2005
Senin, 21 Februari 2005. “Di Louisville, di sudut jalan antara Fourth and Walnut, di pusat perbelanjaan, aku tiba-tiba merasakan kegembiraan yang meluap-luap dengan kenyataan bahwa aku mencintai semua orang ini, bahwa mereka adalah milikku dan aku adalah milik mereka, bahwa mereka tak dapat menjadi asing satu sama lain kendati kami semua tidak saling kenal. Ini mirip dengan sadar dari mimpi keterpisahan isolasi diri yang palsu dalam suatu dunia yang khusus, dunia yang meninggalkan hal duniawi dan semestinya dalam kekudusan. Seluruh ilusi dari suatu keberadaan keterpisahan yang kudus adalah suatu mimpi. Bukan bahwa saya mempertanyakan realitas panggilanku, atau kehidupan membiara/bertapaku: namun pemahaman dari ‘keterpisahan dari dunia’ yang kami miliki dalam pertapaan terlalu mudah menghadirkan diri sebagai seuatu ilusi yang utuh: ilusi dengan mengikrarkan kaul-kaul kami menjadi suatu makhluk yang khusus, serupa malaikat, ‘manusia spiritual/rohani’, manusia dengan hidup batin, apa pun yang telah kamu…Syukur kepada Allah, syukur kepada Allah bahwa aku seperti orang lain juga, bahwa aku hanya seorang manusia diantara manusia-manusia lainnya” (Thomas Merton).
Minggu ini saya belajar tentang Thomas Merton dari kedua matakuliah saya di CTU yaitu Spiritualitas dalam millennium baru dan kelas etika (pencarian keadilan). Itulah mengapa saya mengutip sebagian besar kutipan jurnal minggu ini dari bacaan tentang Thomas Merton. Saya terkesan pada spiritualitasnya yang tak pernah puas untuk berhenti menetap dalam sebuah spiritualitas namun selalu mencoba menemukan makan kehidupan dalam kesunyian, perhatian pada masalah sosial bahkan masalah dunia, terbuka pada spiritualitas lain khususn antara Barat dan Timur, dan paradox dalam perjalanan panggilan hidupnya dalam banyak aspek.
Selasa, 22 Februari 2005. “Dosa adalah mencoba untuk menghindarkan diri dari penderitaan yang tak terhindarkan” (Carol Stuhlmuller).
Akhrnya, saya mendapatkan laporan nilai dari satu matakuliah yang saya ambil saat musim panas 2004 lalu yaitu sebuah kelas spiritualitas yang saya dapat dari kantor registrasi setelah saya minta kepada Maria Lemus beberapa kali. Saya terkagum dengan banyaknya fasilitas di perpustakaan CTU khususnya beberapa kaset tape dan video tentang spiritualitas, Kitab Suci dan banyak hal lain yang menarik. Maka saya meminjam beberapa tape kaset ini. Saya mendapatkan sebuah DVD dari Pastor Pascal yang ia beli dari Amazon.com, berjudul Dietrich Bonhoeffer untuk kuliah spiritualitas saya yaitu Spiritualitas untuk millennium baru. Saya akan menggunakannya untuk bahan presentasi kelas ini pada tanggal 11 April nanti. Saya tak sabar menunggu ingin melihat film ini maka sore hari saya menontonnya. Banyak hal yang saya dapat pelajari dari DVD ini namun saya akan menulisnya nanti ketika saatnya tiba bagiku untuk mempresentasikannya.
Rabu, 23 Februari 2005. “Kebencian adalah benih dari kematian dalam hatiku, sementara benih ini mencari kematian orang lain. Cinta adalah benih kehidupan dalam hatiku sendiri ketika benih ini mencari kebaikan dari orang lain” (Thomas Merton).
Pagi ini saya menemui Suster Dawn Notwehr, OSF direktur dari program M.Div di CTU untuk membicarakan program kuliah saya khususnya tranfer kredit saya. Alhasil, ia membuat sebuah permohonan untuk penambahan tranfer kredit dua matakuliah, yaitu: agama dalam konteks (Complementary Core) yang saya usulkan dengan studi saya Teologi Asia dan Kelas Khotbah di mana saya mengusulkan matakuliah homiletika dan kateketik yang pernah saya ambil dalam studi saya sebelumnya di STF Driyarkara di Jakarta-Indonesia. Ia meneruskan permohonan ini kepada dekan CTU yaituGary Riebe, SVD dan saya hanya menunggu dan melihat nanti apa pun hasilnya dalam hari-hari mendatang.
Kamis, 24 Februari 2005. “Maka daripada mencintai apa yang kamu pikir adalah kedamaian, kasihilah orang lain dan kasihilah Allah di atas segalanya. Dan daripada membenci orang yang kamu pikir adalah pembuat keributan, bencilah nafsu-hasrat dan ketidakteraturan dalam jiwamu sendiri, yang adalah penyebab keributan atau perang ini. Jika kamu mencintai kedamaian maka bencilah ketidakadilan, bencilah tirani, bencilah keserakahan, namun bencilah hal ini semua dalam dirimu bukan dalam diri sesamamu” (Thomas Merton).
Malam hari setelah makan malam, kami mengadakan pertemuan komunitas mengevaluasi proyek hidup komunitas kami (kaul misi).
Jumat, 25 Februari 2005. “Bagiku menjadi seorang kudus berarti menjadi diriku sendiri. Oleh karena itu masalah kekudusan dan keselamatan dalam kenyataannya adalah menemukan siapa diriku dan penemuan jati diriku” (Thomas Merton).
Pagi hari setelah misa, saya pergi ke Gereja Santa Theresia, Chinatown untuk menemui Pastor Michael untuk bimbingan rohani. Saya tetap tinggal di sana dan membaca bahan bacaan kuliah saya untuk minggu depan. Sore harinya sebagai komunitas dari Hyde Park kami mengikuti doa jalan salib di gereja ini jam 7 dan ikut makan malam bersama para umat jam 6 di basement dengan menu ikan (tradisi hari Jumat di USA ini).
Sabtu, 26 Februari 2005. “Pelayananku akan Allah dan pada Gereja tidak terdiri hanya dari berbicara dan mengerjakan sesuatu. Ini juga dapat terdiri dari periode keheningan, mendengarkan dan menunggu. Barangkali hali ini sungguh amat penting, dalam masa kekerasan dan kerusuhan, untuk menemukan kembali meditasi, doa dengan keheningan batin yang menyatu, dan keheningan Kristiani yang kreatif” (Thomas Merton).
Dalam misa pagi yang dipimpin oleh Pastor Victor, saya memberikan refleksi saya atas bacaan Injil hari ini dan saya sharingkan di sini juga. Sejak pagi hingga tengah hari saya membersihkan basement, cuci & seterika baju dan siang harinya saya jalan-jalan ke downtown untuk membeli sesuatu oleh-oleh untuk keponakan saya di Ponorogo-Indonesia. Di sore hari Ignas menjemputku untuk pergi ke Gereja Santa Theresia lalu kami bereempat (Petrus, Dharmawan, Ignas dan saya) pergi ke rumah Edi untuk merayakan ulang tahun Edi. Saya melihat Petrus dan Dharmawan sibuk mempersiapkan booklet untuk acara perayaan kaul kekal Frater Petrus minggu depan yaitu tepatnya hari Minggu, 6 Mei di Gereja Santa Theresia. (Untuk renungan atas bacaan Injil Lukas 15:11-32 yaitu ‘anak yang hilang’ bisa dilihat di atas – edisi bahasa Inggrisnya).
Minggu, 27 Februari 2005. “Rahasia identitas diriku adalah tersembunyi dalam kasih dan kebaikan Allah. Jika saya menemukan Dia saya akan menemukan diriku sendiri dan jika saya menemukan jati diriku sendiri saya akan menemukan Dia…Satu-satunya orang yang dapat mengajarku untuk menemukan Allah adalah Allah, Allah, Dia sendiri” (Thomas Merton).
Pagi hari saya menghadiri misa di Gereja Santo Thomas jam 8. Saya hari ini memasak untuk komunitas: bubur kacang ijo, Soto Madura, krupuk dan nasi. Setelah istirahat siang sebentar, saya merampungkan jurnal mingguan ini lalu segera mengirimkannya lewat e-mail seperti biasa. Saya terkesan sekali dengan doa yang kami doakan di kelas spiritualitas dalam millennium baru di CTU yaitu doa Thomas Merton seperti saya kutip di bawah ini:
Doa Terkenal dari Thomas Merton
O Tuhan Allahku
Aku tak tahu ke mana aku pergi.
Aku tak melihat jalan di depanku.
Aku tak dapat mengetahui pasti di mana ini akan berakhir.
Tidak pula aku sungguh memahami diriku sendiri.
Dan kenyataannya adalah aku berpikir aku sedang mengikuti
KehendakMu tidak berarti aku sungguh sedang melakukannya.
Namun aku percaya bahwa keinginan untuk menyenangkan dikau
Dalam kenyataan membuat Dikau senang.
Kuberharap memiliki keinginan dalam segala apa yang aku sedang lakukan.
Kuberharap bahwa aku tak pernah melakukan sesuatu jauh dari keinginan itu.
Dan aku mengetahui bahwa jika aku melakukan ini,
kamu akan memimbimbingku di jalan yang benar
Meskipun aku mungkin tidak mengetahui apa pun tentang hal ini.
Oleh karena itu aku percaya kepadamu selalu meskipun aku mungkin nampak
Hilang tersesat dalam bayang-bayang kematian.
Aku tidak akan takut karena Dikau bersamaku dan
Dikau tak akan pernah meninggalkan aku menghadapi kesulitan-kesulitan sendiri.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Sunday, February 20, 2005
surat ke-3 bulan Februari 2005
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3) 2nd Sunday of Lent, February 20, 2005
Monday, February 14, 2005. “I suffer, the more Isuffer the more I love; the more I love the more Iwant to suffer. I suffer, I love, I no longersuffer…abandonment the only confess.”
In the afternoon after coming back from CTU, I wasphoned by Ms.Digna from Alexian Brother Hospital,giving a good news for me that I am accepted to thesummer CPE program. I am very pleased to hear thisgood news after last week having interview and a lotof effort I did since October last year to make ithappen. Thanks be to God and to all of you who haveprayed and wish the best for me to do this servicethis coming summer, June 6th to middle of August 2005.I had a class of Millennium Spirituality today andwatched a film about Therese Lisieux and I found thatin my community we have this videocassette so in theafternoon I watched it.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005. “This kind of monasticismcannot be extinguished. It is imperishable. Itrepresents an instinct of the human heart, and itrepresents a charism given by God to man. It cannot berooted out, because it does not depend on man. It doesnot depend on cultural factors, and it does not dependon sociological or psychological factors. It issomething much deeper.” He finished the talk,suggesting that questions wait until the eveningsession and concluded with the words, “So I willdisappear” (The last words of Thomas Merton, OCSO).
In the class of theological reflection at theScalabrinian house, my classmate named Brother Zig, aPhilippinos Alexian Brother gave me information aboutthe e-mail address and e-mail of the superior ofAlexian Brothers Community at Elk Grove Village,located behind the Alexian Brother Hospital in which Iwill spend 2.5 months for the summer CPE program. Iwrote an e-mail to him (Brother Danny) then I pursuedwith a phone call and he answered me that so far it’snot a problem to live in his community but he has toask his community first then he will answer later. A good news I heard today that an acquaintance of minewho used to live in Fresno, California has moved toOrlando, Florida and as I called her up, she offeredme to visit her then I said if possible I would comethis summer after doing my CPE. She is the daughter ofmy father’s friend whom told me when I was inIndonesia that he has a daughter who lives in the USAsince 1980’s. Her name is Cik Ana and originally frommy hometown, Madiun, East Java. I want to make a wishthat I can visit her at the due time while I stillstay in the USA.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005. “Go PLACES = Gluttony,Pride, Lust, Anger, Covetousness (Greedy), Envy,Sloth. They are the seven capital sins.”
In the morning I was at the library of CTU to see somevideocassettes, cassette tapes and DVD that support mystudy on the spirituality. I found a DVD of ThomasMerton and I borrowed it and watched it immediately athome. After attending the class of MillenniumSpirituality, I went to Saint Peter Church at downtownas usual to have monthly confession. In the same busthere was a Vietnamese Franciscan (OFM) named FatherJoseph who is my classmate at the MillenniumSpirituality. He told me that he lives also at SaintPeter Church. On the way go home, at the same bus Imet my ESL program classmate at SHST-Milwaukee who isstill studying English (TOEFL) at DePaul University.He is Octavio, a Mexican candidate of SCJ. At night Iwas reading Thomas Merton and listening to cassettetapes of Basil Pennington, OCSO.
Thursday, February 17, 2005. “Be silent, for that isthe absolute” (Kierkegaard). “In proclaiming the Word,the church must fall silent before inexpressible: Letwhat cannot be spoken be worshiped in silence” (Cyrilof Alexandria).
In the morning at 8.30 I met Dawn Notwehr, OSF at CTUto have discussion about my M.Div program and I willmeet her again next Wednesday, 23 February at the sametime. In the afternoon I cooked for my community, beefsoup (rawon), shrimp crackers and rice. After supper,we had a community meeting to evaluate our communityproject of life (the dimension of community life).
Friday, February 18, 2005. “Taken, Blessed, Broken andGiven” (Henry Nouwen).
After Mass I did some work, cleaning the second andthird floor and did laundry. In the afternoon Iwatched videocassettes entitled Passion andSpirituality (in remembrance of Henry Nouwen) andMonastery. Both of these tapes I borrow from CTU’slibrary. At 5.30 p.m. we had a way of cross prayer atthe chapel. At night I typed this journal and while Iwas listening to some tapes about priesthood.
Saturday, February 19, 2005. “The first duty of loveit to listen” (Paul Tillich).
Today I just stayed at home, reading ‘Mission onTrial’ for my development of Mission Theology onMonday, watching videocassette from CTU entitled ‘ABiblical View of Justice” by John Carr, phoned somefriends and families. At night I did massage to Ignaswho asked me favor to do this traditional healingsince he got headache. I used to do this kind ofmassage to my father when I was at home; because not Ilike to do it but because my father always force me todo it for him; what are you gonna do? That’s why I getaccustomed to do it.
Sunday, February 20, 2005. “You can’t live a perfectday without doing something for someone who will neverbe able to repay you” (John Wooden).
In the morning I saw snow adorned the street and theweather was cloudy then I headed to Saint ThomasChurch to attend Mass at 8 a.m. After the Mass,together with Ignas, I went to Osco Store to make a CDpicture from my digital camera and sent them viaInternet to some penpals of mine. In the afternoon Icooked for my community, just simple and easy menu,frozen Lasagna and Garlic bread.
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3) Hari Minggu Masa Pra-Paskah ke-2, 20 Februari 2005
Senin, 14 Februari 2005. “Saya menderita, semakin sayamenderita semakin saya mencintai; semakin sayamencintai, semakin saya ingin menderita. Sayamenderita, saya mencintai, saya tidak lagimenderita…dengan bebas satu-satunya pengkuan.”Sore hari setelah kembali dari CTU saya ditelpon olehMs.Digna dari Rumah Sakit Alexian Brother,menyampaikan kabar gembira buat saya bahwa sayaditerima dalam program CPE (Clinical PastoralEducation) untuk musim panas 2005 ini. Saya sangatgembira sekali menerima kabar ini setelah minggu lalumengadakan interview dan berusaha jauh-jauh hari dansedapat mungkin sejak bulan Oktober tahun lalu, 2004agar harapan saya diterima dalam CPE ini terwujud.Syukur kepada Allah dan kepada semua orang yaitu Andasekalian yang telah berdoa untuk saya dan mengharapkanyang terbaik buat saya untuk menjalankan pelayanan danstudi ini dalam program musim panas 2005 ini dari 6Juni hingga pertengahan Agustus. Saya menghadiri kuliah Spiritualias Millennium hariini dan menonton sebuah film tentang Therese Lisieuxdan saya menemukan kaset video ini juga di komunitassaya sendiri lalu saya menontonnya secara utuh.
Selasa, 15 Februari 2005. “Hidup monastik ini tidakdapat dipadamkan. Hidup monastik ini tak akan pernahpunah. Hidup monastik ini merupakan sebuah instinghati nurani manusia dan ini merupakan sebuah karismayang diberikan oleh Allah pada manusia. Ini tidakdapat dibasmi, karena ini tidak tergantung padamanusia. Ini tidak bergantung pada faktor budaya danini tidak bergantung pada faktor sosiologis atau punpsikologis. Ini adalah sesuatu yang lebih dalam.”
Iamengakhiri ceramahnya, menawarkan bahwapertanyaan-pertanyaan menunggu hingga sesi petang haridan ia mengakhiri pertemuan ini dengan kata-kata,“Maka saya akan menghilang” (The last words of ThomasMerton, OCSO).Dalam kelas refleksi teologi di rumah Scalabrinian,teman sekelas saya bernama Bruder Zig, seorang AlexianBrother asal Philippina memberikan informasi tentangemail dan nomor telepon superior komunitas AlexianBrothers di Elk Grove Village, terletak di belakangRumah Sakit Alexian Brothers di mana saya akanmenjalankan masa CPE musim panas selama 2,5 bulan.Saya menulis e-mail kepada bruder kepala komunitas ini(namanya Bruder Danny) dan menelpon dia lalu iamenjawab dengan ramah bahwa sejauh ini tidak masalahseseorang tinggal di komunitas dia namun ia akanbicara dulu dengan komunitasnya dan akan memberitahusaya lagi. Sebuah kabar gembira saya dengar hari ini adalahseorang kenalan saya yang dulu tinggal diFresno-California telah pindah di Orlando-Florida dansaat saya menelponnya, ia menawari saya untukmengunjunginya di Florida lalu saya bilang kalaumungkin saya akan ke sana musim panas ini setelahmenjalani program CPE saya. Ia adalah puteri sulungdari teman papi saya yang pernah bercerita pada sayasaat saya masih di Indonesia bahwa ia memiliki puterisulung yang sudah tinggal di USA sejak tahun 1980-an.Namanya adalah Cik Ana dan asalnya dari Madiun-JawaTimur kota asal saya juga. Saya berangan-angan semogasaya dapat mengunjungi dia pada saat yang tepat selagisaya masih tinggal di USA ini.
Rabu, 16 Februari 2005. “Go PLACES = Gluttony(Kerakusan), Pride (Kesombongan), Lust (Nafsu), Anger(Kemarahan), Covetousness/Greedy (Ketamakan), Envy(Keirihatian), Sloth (Kemalasan). Ini adalah ketujuhdosa besar.”
Pagi hari saya berada di perpustakaan CTUmelihat-lihat kaset video, DVD dan kaset tape yangmendukung studi saya tentang spiritualitas. Sayamendapatkan sebuah DVD tentang Thomas Merton dan sayameminjamnya dan menontonnya segera di rumah. Setelahmengikuti kuliah Spiritualitas Millennium, saya pergike Gereja Santo Petrus di downtown Chicago untuksakramen rekonsiliasi bulanan. Di dalam bis yang samasaya bertemu seorang Fransiskan asal Vietnam yangstudi D.Min di CTU bernama Pastor Joseph dan diaadalah teman sekelas saya di kelas SpiritualitasMillennium dan tinggal di Gereja Santo Petrus. Saatpulang ke rumah, di dalam bis yang sama pula sayabertemu seorang teman studi bahasa Inggris saya duludi SHST Milwaukee yang masih kuliah bahasa Inggrissaat ini khususnya TOEFL di DePaul University. Iadalah Octavio, asal dari Mexico, calon frater SCJ.Malam harinya saya membaca Thomas Merton danmendengarkan kaset Basil Pennington, OCSO.
Kamis, 17 Februari 2005. “Diamlah, karena keheninganadalah yang mutlak” (Kierkegaard). “Dalam menyampaikanSabda Allah, Gereja harus jatuh dalam keheningansebelum tak terkatakan: biarkanlah apa yang tidakdapat terucapkan disembah dalam keheningan” (Cyril ofAlexandria).
Pagi hari pukul 8.30 saya bertemu Dawn Notwehr, OSF diCTU untuk berdiskusi tentang program M.Div saya dansaya akan menemui dia lagi hari Rabu depan 23 Februaripada jam yang sama. Sore hari saya masak untukkomunitas yaitu rawon, nasi dan krupuk udang. Setelahmakan malam, kami mengadakan rapat komunitas masihdalam evaluasi tentang program hidup bersama dalamdimensi hidup berkomunitas.
Jumat, 18 Februari 2005. “Diambil, Diberkati,Dipecah-pecah dan Dibagi-bagikan” (Henry Nouwen).Setelah misa saya mengerjakan beberapa pekerjaanmembersihkan lantai dua dan tiga lalu mencuci sertamenyeterika baju. Sore hari saya menonton dua videoyaitu berjudul Passion and Spirituality (peringatanakan Henry Nouwen, 1932-1996) dan judul lainnyaMonastery. Kedua kaset video ini saya pinjam dariperpustakaan CTU. Pukul 5.30 sore kami mengadakan doajalan salib di kapel. Malam hari saya mengetik jurnalini sambil mendengarkan kaset yang bertopik tentangimamat.
Sabtu, 19 Februari 2005. “Tugas pertama dari Kasihadalah mendengarkan” (Paul Tillich).
Hari ini saya hanya tinggal di rumah saja, membaca‘Mission on Trial’ untuk kuliah saya hari Senin yaituPerkembangan teologi misi, menonton video dari CTUberjudul ‘A Biblical View of Justice” dibawakan olehJohn Carr, menelpon beberapa teman dan keluarga diIndonesia. Malam harinya saya dimintai tolong Ignasyang sedang pusing dan sakit kepala untuk memijat-urutdia, yaitu penyembuhan tradisional yang biasa sayalakukan untuk Papiku saat aku di rumah dulu.
Minggu, 20 Februari 2005. “Engkau tak dapat menghidupisuatu hari yang sempurna tanpa melakukan sesuatu bagiseseorang yang tidak akan pernah mampu membayarkembali kepadamu” (John Wooden).
Pagi ini kulihat salju menghiasi jalanan dan cuacaberawan lalu saya pergi ke gereja Santo Thomas untukikut misa pukul 8 pagi. Selesai misa bersama denganIgnas saya pergi ke toko Osco untuk membuat CD photodari kamera digital saya dan mengirimkannya lewatInternet pada beberapa teman sahabat pena saya. Sorehari saya masak untuk komunitas saya yaitu dengan menuyang mudah dan sederhana saja, Lasagna yang bekutinggal dipanaskan di oven dan roti ditaburi bawangdan mentega maka disebut roti bawang putih kali yah.=====
“Only the good and rational person is capable of true friendship, for reason stirs up and nourishes friendship” (Francis DeSales) Alexander Denny Wahyudi, sx Xaverian Missionaries 1347 East Hyde Park Boulevard Chicago, Illinois 60615-2924 Phone 773 643 5745 Fax 773 643 6907 Website: www.xaviermissionaries.org
3) 2nd Sunday of Lent, February 20, 2005
Monday, February 14, 2005. “I suffer, the more Isuffer the more I love; the more I love the more Iwant to suffer. I suffer, I love, I no longersuffer…abandonment the only confess.”
In the afternoon after coming back from CTU, I wasphoned by Ms.Digna from Alexian Brother Hospital,giving a good news for me that I am accepted to thesummer CPE program. I am very pleased to hear thisgood news after last week having interview and a lotof effort I did since October last year to make ithappen. Thanks be to God and to all of you who haveprayed and wish the best for me to do this servicethis coming summer, June 6th to middle of August 2005.I had a class of Millennium Spirituality today andwatched a film about Therese Lisieux and I found thatin my community we have this videocassette so in theafternoon I watched it.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005. “This kind of monasticismcannot be extinguished. It is imperishable. Itrepresents an instinct of the human heart, and itrepresents a charism given by God to man. It cannot berooted out, because it does not depend on man. It doesnot depend on cultural factors, and it does not dependon sociological or psychological factors. It issomething much deeper.” He finished the talk,suggesting that questions wait until the eveningsession and concluded with the words, “So I willdisappear” (The last words of Thomas Merton, OCSO).
In the class of theological reflection at theScalabrinian house, my classmate named Brother Zig, aPhilippinos Alexian Brother gave me information aboutthe e-mail address and e-mail of the superior ofAlexian Brothers Community at Elk Grove Village,located behind the Alexian Brother Hospital in which Iwill spend 2.5 months for the summer CPE program. Iwrote an e-mail to him (Brother Danny) then I pursuedwith a phone call and he answered me that so far it’snot a problem to live in his community but he has toask his community first then he will answer later. A good news I heard today that an acquaintance of minewho used to live in Fresno, California has moved toOrlando, Florida and as I called her up, she offeredme to visit her then I said if possible I would comethis summer after doing my CPE. She is the daughter ofmy father’s friend whom told me when I was inIndonesia that he has a daughter who lives in the USAsince 1980’s. Her name is Cik Ana and originally frommy hometown, Madiun, East Java. I want to make a wishthat I can visit her at the due time while I stillstay in the USA.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005. “Go PLACES = Gluttony,Pride, Lust, Anger, Covetousness (Greedy), Envy,Sloth. They are the seven capital sins.”
In the morning I was at the library of CTU to see somevideocassettes, cassette tapes and DVD that support mystudy on the spirituality. I found a DVD of ThomasMerton and I borrowed it and watched it immediately athome. After attending the class of MillenniumSpirituality, I went to Saint Peter Church at downtownas usual to have monthly confession. In the same busthere was a Vietnamese Franciscan (OFM) named FatherJoseph who is my classmate at the MillenniumSpirituality. He told me that he lives also at SaintPeter Church. On the way go home, at the same bus Imet my ESL program classmate at SHST-Milwaukee who isstill studying English (TOEFL) at DePaul University.He is Octavio, a Mexican candidate of SCJ. At night Iwas reading Thomas Merton and listening to cassettetapes of Basil Pennington, OCSO.
Thursday, February 17, 2005. “Be silent, for that isthe absolute” (Kierkegaard). “In proclaiming the Word,the church must fall silent before inexpressible: Letwhat cannot be spoken be worshiped in silence” (Cyrilof Alexandria).
In the morning at 8.30 I met Dawn Notwehr, OSF at CTUto have discussion about my M.Div program and I willmeet her again next Wednesday, 23 February at the sametime. In the afternoon I cooked for my community, beefsoup (rawon), shrimp crackers and rice. After supper,we had a community meeting to evaluate our communityproject of life (the dimension of community life).
Friday, February 18, 2005. “Taken, Blessed, Broken andGiven” (Henry Nouwen).
After Mass I did some work, cleaning the second andthird floor and did laundry. In the afternoon Iwatched videocassettes entitled Passion andSpirituality (in remembrance of Henry Nouwen) andMonastery. Both of these tapes I borrow from CTU’slibrary. At 5.30 p.m. we had a way of cross prayer atthe chapel. At night I typed this journal and while Iwas listening to some tapes about priesthood.
Saturday, February 19, 2005. “The first duty of loveit to listen” (Paul Tillich).
Today I just stayed at home, reading ‘Mission onTrial’ for my development of Mission Theology onMonday, watching videocassette from CTU entitled ‘ABiblical View of Justice” by John Carr, phoned somefriends and families. At night I did massage to Ignaswho asked me favor to do this traditional healingsince he got headache. I used to do this kind ofmassage to my father when I was at home; because not Ilike to do it but because my father always force me todo it for him; what are you gonna do? That’s why I getaccustomed to do it.
Sunday, February 20, 2005. “You can’t live a perfectday without doing something for someone who will neverbe able to repay you” (John Wooden).
In the morning I saw snow adorned the street and theweather was cloudy then I headed to Saint ThomasChurch to attend Mass at 8 a.m. After the Mass,together with Ignas, I went to Osco Store to make a CDpicture from my digital camera and sent them viaInternet to some penpals of mine. In the afternoon Icooked for my community, just simple and easy menu,frozen Lasagna and Garlic bread.
Jika belum menerima photo saya terbaru, silahkan klikdi bawah ini:http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeANnLhi2buWznoLalu klik ‘View Pictures’….
3) Hari Minggu Masa Pra-Paskah ke-2, 20 Februari 2005
Senin, 14 Februari 2005. “Saya menderita, semakin sayamenderita semakin saya mencintai; semakin sayamencintai, semakin saya ingin menderita. Sayamenderita, saya mencintai, saya tidak lagimenderita…dengan bebas satu-satunya pengkuan.”Sore hari setelah kembali dari CTU saya ditelpon olehMs.Digna dari Rumah Sakit Alexian Brother,menyampaikan kabar gembira buat saya bahwa sayaditerima dalam program CPE (Clinical PastoralEducation) untuk musim panas 2005 ini. Saya sangatgembira sekali menerima kabar ini setelah minggu lalumengadakan interview dan berusaha jauh-jauh hari dansedapat mungkin sejak bulan Oktober tahun lalu, 2004agar harapan saya diterima dalam CPE ini terwujud.Syukur kepada Allah dan kepada semua orang yaitu Andasekalian yang telah berdoa untuk saya dan mengharapkanyang terbaik buat saya untuk menjalankan pelayanan danstudi ini dalam program musim panas 2005 ini dari 6Juni hingga pertengahan Agustus. Saya menghadiri kuliah Spiritualias Millennium hariini dan menonton sebuah film tentang Therese Lisieuxdan saya menemukan kaset video ini juga di komunitassaya sendiri lalu saya menontonnya secara utuh.
Selasa, 15 Februari 2005. “Hidup monastik ini tidakdapat dipadamkan. Hidup monastik ini tak akan pernahpunah. Hidup monastik ini merupakan sebuah instinghati nurani manusia dan ini merupakan sebuah karismayang diberikan oleh Allah pada manusia. Ini tidakdapat dibasmi, karena ini tidak tergantung padamanusia. Ini tidak bergantung pada faktor budaya danini tidak bergantung pada faktor sosiologis atau punpsikologis. Ini adalah sesuatu yang lebih dalam.”
Iamengakhiri ceramahnya, menawarkan bahwapertanyaan-pertanyaan menunggu hingga sesi petang haridan ia mengakhiri pertemuan ini dengan kata-kata,“Maka saya akan menghilang” (The last words of ThomasMerton, OCSO).Dalam kelas refleksi teologi di rumah Scalabrinian,teman sekelas saya bernama Bruder Zig, seorang AlexianBrother asal Philippina memberikan informasi tentangemail dan nomor telepon superior komunitas AlexianBrothers di Elk Grove Village, terletak di belakangRumah Sakit Alexian Brothers di mana saya akanmenjalankan masa CPE musim panas selama 2,5 bulan.Saya menulis e-mail kepada bruder kepala komunitas ini(namanya Bruder Danny) dan menelpon dia lalu iamenjawab dengan ramah bahwa sejauh ini tidak masalahseseorang tinggal di komunitas dia namun ia akanbicara dulu dengan komunitasnya dan akan memberitahusaya lagi. Sebuah kabar gembira saya dengar hari ini adalahseorang kenalan saya yang dulu tinggal diFresno-California telah pindah di Orlando-Florida dansaat saya menelponnya, ia menawari saya untukmengunjunginya di Florida lalu saya bilang kalaumungkin saya akan ke sana musim panas ini setelahmenjalani program CPE saya. Ia adalah puteri sulungdari teman papi saya yang pernah bercerita pada sayasaat saya masih di Indonesia bahwa ia memiliki puterisulung yang sudah tinggal di USA sejak tahun 1980-an.Namanya adalah Cik Ana dan asalnya dari Madiun-JawaTimur kota asal saya juga. Saya berangan-angan semogasaya dapat mengunjungi dia pada saat yang tepat selagisaya masih tinggal di USA ini.
Rabu, 16 Februari 2005. “Go PLACES = Gluttony(Kerakusan), Pride (Kesombongan), Lust (Nafsu), Anger(Kemarahan), Covetousness/Greedy (Ketamakan), Envy(Keirihatian), Sloth (Kemalasan). Ini adalah ketujuhdosa besar.”
Pagi hari saya berada di perpustakaan CTUmelihat-lihat kaset video, DVD dan kaset tape yangmendukung studi saya tentang spiritualitas. Sayamendapatkan sebuah DVD tentang Thomas Merton dan sayameminjamnya dan menontonnya segera di rumah. Setelahmengikuti kuliah Spiritualitas Millennium, saya pergike Gereja Santo Petrus di downtown Chicago untuksakramen rekonsiliasi bulanan. Di dalam bis yang samasaya bertemu seorang Fransiskan asal Vietnam yangstudi D.Min di CTU bernama Pastor Joseph dan diaadalah teman sekelas saya di kelas SpiritualitasMillennium dan tinggal di Gereja Santo Petrus. Saatpulang ke rumah, di dalam bis yang sama pula sayabertemu seorang teman studi bahasa Inggris saya duludi SHST Milwaukee yang masih kuliah bahasa Inggrissaat ini khususnya TOEFL di DePaul University. Iadalah Octavio, asal dari Mexico, calon frater SCJ.Malam harinya saya membaca Thomas Merton danmendengarkan kaset Basil Pennington, OCSO.
Kamis, 17 Februari 2005. “Diamlah, karena keheninganadalah yang mutlak” (Kierkegaard). “Dalam menyampaikanSabda Allah, Gereja harus jatuh dalam keheningansebelum tak terkatakan: biarkanlah apa yang tidakdapat terucapkan disembah dalam keheningan” (Cyril ofAlexandria).
Pagi hari pukul 8.30 saya bertemu Dawn Notwehr, OSF diCTU untuk berdiskusi tentang program M.Div saya dansaya akan menemui dia lagi hari Rabu depan 23 Februaripada jam yang sama. Sore hari saya masak untukkomunitas yaitu rawon, nasi dan krupuk udang. Setelahmakan malam, kami mengadakan rapat komunitas masihdalam evaluasi tentang program hidup bersama dalamdimensi hidup berkomunitas.
Jumat, 18 Februari 2005. “Diambil, Diberkati,Dipecah-pecah dan Dibagi-bagikan” (Henry Nouwen).Setelah misa saya mengerjakan beberapa pekerjaanmembersihkan lantai dua dan tiga lalu mencuci sertamenyeterika baju. Sore hari saya menonton dua videoyaitu berjudul Passion and Spirituality (peringatanakan Henry Nouwen, 1932-1996) dan judul lainnyaMonastery. Kedua kaset video ini saya pinjam dariperpustakaan CTU. Pukul 5.30 sore kami mengadakan doajalan salib di kapel. Malam hari saya mengetik jurnalini sambil mendengarkan kaset yang bertopik tentangimamat.
Sabtu, 19 Februari 2005. “Tugas pertama dari Kasihadalah mendengarkan” (Paul Tillich).
Hari ini saya hanya tinggal di rumah saja, membaca‘Mission on Trial’ untuk kuliah saya hari Senin yaituPerkembangan teologi misi, menonton video dari CTUberjudul ‘A Biblical View of Justice” dibawakan olehJohn Carr, menelpon beberapa teman dan keluarga diIndonesia. Malam harinya saya dimintai tolong Ignasyang sedang pusing dan sakit kepala untuk memijat-urutdia, yaitu penyembuhan tradisional yang biasa sayalakukan untuk Papiku saat aku di rumah dulu.
Minggu, 20 Februari 2005. “Engkau tak dapat menghidupisuatu hari yang sempurna tanpa melakukan sesuatu bagiseseorang yang tidak akan pernah mampu membayarkembali kepadamu” (John Wooden).
Pagi ini kulihat salju menghiasi jalanan dan cuacaberawan lalu saya pergi ke gereja Santo Thomas untukikut misa pukul 8 pagi. Selesai misa bersama denganIgnas saya pergi ke toko Osco untuk membuat CD photodari kamera digital saya dan mengirimkannya lewatInternet pada beberapa teman sahabat pena saya. Sorehari saya masak untuk komunitas saya yaitu dengan menuyang mudah dan sederhana saja, Lasagna yang bekutinggal dipanaskan di oven dan roti ditaburi bawangdan mentega maka disebut roti bawang putih kali yah.=====
“Only the good and rational person is capable of true friendship, for reason stirs up and nourishes friendship” (Francis DeSales) Alexander Denny Wahyudi, sx Xaverian Missionaries 1347 East Hyde Park Boulevard Chicago, Illinois 60615-2924 Phone 773 643 5745 Fax 773 643 6907 Website: www.xaviermissionaries.org
Sunday, February 13, 2005
surat ke-5 bulan Januari 2005
5) 4th Sunday in Ordinary Time, January 30, 2005
Monday, January 24, 2004. “We must make no compromise
with a love that is contrary to the love of God”
(Francis de Sales).
We heard of mourning news that the oldest brother of
Father Willy Mukucha, SX named Leopold passed away
because of his sickness in Canada. We all pray for him
and his family in R.D. Congo.
On Friday January 28th I attended the last class of
Human Sexual Development for Ministry at CTU in which
I submitted my 10-page final paper and I would like to
share to you as well. In the closing prayer at the
last class we uttered our ‘erotic prayer’ and here I
expressed my own prayer in the beginning of this
paper.
HEALTHY HUMAN SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT FOR MINISTRY (I-4010)
J-Term 2005
O God, your are untouchable by my human senses
But you can be touched by our mind and words.
In inception you created me with loving touch of both
of my parents
In inception you created me with genital touch of my
father and mother
In inception you created me out of human passion and
intercourse
In inception you created me through penetration and
ejaculation
In inception you created me with union of her ovum and
his sperm.
I commend to your compassionate touch:
My sexual awakening,
My sexual identity as a male,
My sexual commitment as a celibate person.
At the same time I commend to you:
My spiritual awakening
My spiritual identity
My spiritual commitment,
In union with you and others toward Healthy Human
Sexual Development
Through Christ, our Master of Love and Compassion.
Amen.
1. How has my culture shaped my experiences and
understanding of sexuality?
I was born and raised in East Java, Indonesia by a
Chinese descent family who have already lived and
adapted in local Javanese culture from a number of
generations. In my family, my parents never talked
about sex and sexuality to me because probably they
considered that this issue is only for adult people
and we will come to know about it when we are becoming
adult. It is influenced so much of our local culture
that talking about sex especially to the children is a
taboo and shameful thing. It is only appropriately
talked by adult persons and between a married-couple.
Even my parents as I remember, never gave me advice
about relationship to other gender as I grew up in
high school. I came to know about sex and sexuality
from my own searching, my self-discovery from
newspaper, books and magazines. In the age of puberty,
I was sometimes still confused and questioning about
my own mysterious libido that I found out the answer
from the wide-opened information in mass media. I felt
ashamed also when somebody talking about this issue
and I never raised the questions to competent persons.
In my own family, the greeting between our family
members never expressed by touching each other, even I
never embracing or shaking hand to my father,
grandmother and siblings after so long time we did not
meet each other. I never reflected deeply about this
case but I ever read one article that some general
culture among the Chinese descendants in Indonesia
having such a custom. This influenced my way to relate
others in school and society. Normally, I keep very
strict boundaries to other gender in the relationship.
The normal way to greet others in my own culture is
shaking hand but never embracing each other.
Since in the kindergarten and primary school,
gathering with other gender friends is a shameful way.
It created a custom that I had to make friendship to
my own gender, boys. Most of my close friends were
boys and apparently I never had female friends in my
house despite my own shyness attitude. At primary
school normally we sit with the same gender friend and
very seldom we sit with other gender friend. Once I
sit with a female friend, I felt very uncomfortable
and too cautious keeping boundaries especially in
secondary high school.
Even though it seems that sexuality is taboo but in
the society especially in mass media such as movie,
film and advertisement, we can see daily performance
that tends to sex and vulgar relationship between man
and woman. It makes many children more curious to know
about sex and sexuality without taken care by the
parents and adult persons. The information that I got
was ranging from positive to negative teachings and
sometimes ambiguous and I did not know which one the
right according to the norm of my Catholic religion.
One major thing that probably makes me think and
reflect is self-pleasure such as masturbation. It is
struck me when I found that there are some different
approaches and arguments regard to this issue in the
traditional Catholic teaching and other modern
thinkers. Some consider it as mortal sin and others as
venial sin and one author says it is not sin.
“Masturbation is not a sign of the perfection we as
celibates strive to live; neither is it sin. It is
simply imperfection-that which we all are and yet
strive to overcome” (Donald Goergen, The Sexual
Celibate, p. 203). Some myths about this disorder
sexual custom in Indonesia influenced also my
understanding about sexuality.
Since I have lived in the USA I have to adjust the
custom and culture of embracing and hugging each other
in friendship. When I saw this Western culture when I
was in Indonesia, I wondered how I could adjust this
custom. In my ministry at a retreat house as my
Ministry Practicum I from CTU dealing with teenagers,
I was struck by the relationship of girls and boys the
retreatans who mostly the Caucasians. Among boys and
girls, they have very close physical relationship as
if there is no boundary. It never happened in my
experience as a teenager in Indonesia. It somehow
makes me appalled and jealous. As a minister among
them, I should adjust theirs custom. Recently, after
finishing the weekend retreat, at the closing prayer,
some of the girls, the retreatans expressed their
gratitude and peace to me with hugging and embracing.
It made me being accepted by them and the gesture that
I practiced was simply responding their first
initiative to hug me then I opened to their gesture.
Even though I have been living in the USA for two
years but this gesture to hug and to be hugged
especially with other gender still sometimes makes me
feel little bit strange since it is not my custom in
Indonesia. At the same time I feel good to touch and
to be touched by others. One principle that I do agree
and I have practice it in my ministry is “Touch is to
be used in ministry only to address the needs of the
person the religious is assisting, not to meet the
needs of the religious” (Donna J. Markham and Fran A.
Repka).
In regard of human healthy boundary in a life of
ministry, I see there is different value of one
culture to another one. For example, in my country
Indonesia, getting along with children at primary
school (the picture below) such as my experience as I
visited them before I departed to the USA is an
acceptable manner. But, I do not think in the USA it
can be practiced easily like in Indonesia, instead I
should be cautious dealing with the children because
the issue of sexual scandal of clergies. Therefore, I
should be prudent on what I am doing in my ministry
dealing with people, to respect local values and to be
flexible in pastoral issues not to be rigid.
2. “Exploring Commitments and My Capacity for Making
and Keeping Them”
I chose ‘FRIENDSHIP’ because this word recalls my
experience dealing with so many people in my life as
of now. Starting with my friends of close neighbors in
some areas that I had been living in, namely schools,
working places, my formation time in the Xaverian
Missionaries, and all people whom I met during my
ministry as a religious, teacher and a friend of them.
There is one special female friend who gave me a lot
of meaning enduring what I have been choosing as a
religious. Her care of me drew me to a certain feeling
that I never had before, namely, feeling of falling in
love to a girl. It put me on a threshold of my journey
toward a missionary-religious-priesthood and at the
same time transformed and awakened me who I am as a
normal human being. In the insight of this experience,
I want to try recalling my sweet memory dealing with
myself in my great memorable experience to love and to
be loved as a human being.
It is a really unforgettable story that I ever have in
my life journey as a male being. One evening in August
2000, I attended a priesthood ordination of four
priests in a Catholic Church in Jakarta-Indonesia. I
have been attending a couple of times this kind of
celebration since I was in High School. It is always a
solemn Mass with a big celebration that I also want to
experience to be one of the ordained priests someday.
After the Mass lasted I met some nuns who are friends
of my Xaverians confrere. They introduced me to a
nice-looking girl who is their friend. Back on that
day, I was very happy meeting with her while she was
joking and telling me that she is a candidate of nun.
I knew that she was just kidding. It was a nice day
that I could ever have in my life and imagined as if
she would be one of my friends. Since I did not have
any idea who really she is; so my impression lasted on
that day. A couple of days later, she called me up in
my Xaverians philosophy house and since then she often
did so. In the beginning I was so happy receiving her
phone call because I never had this kind of experience
that a girl friend has attention to me. In the human
level, I was consoled but I was wondering with myself:
how do I deal with such a feeling and my religious
life. In one side, I was happy to have a girl friend
that gave me attention but the other side my heart was
not in peace because I have chosen a
celibate-religious life. It seemed that she did call
me up often times till she asked me favor to come
visiting me in my Xaverians house. I welcomed her
delightfully and she came with her girl friend as
well. In the beginning, she told me that she wanted to
know some religious orders of nuns but after she came,
she never wanted to know them. I guessed she only
wanted to know my life closely. After this visit, she
continued calling me up almost everyday. Finally one
evening she asked me help to accompany her to go to a
hospital since she did not have a friend. I did not
answer directly what she asked, instead I needed some
time to decide it. In my prayer in the chapel, I had a
fixed and clear answer to say NO to her, but after she
called, I could not say NO, but saying YES. I did not
know why I could not deny her hope. Probably, I
already had a certain feeling and wanted to meet her
again. To say that I experienced what people say,
falling in love. It was a really a joyful feeling that
I ever have in my life. Even though I know that I have
embraced my religious life but I still had this kind
of feeling, to love other that is the opposite sex.
Eventually, I met her and I had mixed motivation to
meet her: to help her and to meet her because she was
interesting to me. First time I met her, after taking
her to a hospital, she invited me to go to have lunch
at a Mall. I told her that it would be a scandal if
someone knows that I go with her. But, anyway, I did
that while I hoped nobody would see me. In our
conversation during the lunch, she tried to know my
identity and I did so. Afterward, we entered a store
and she bought two cassette tapes of pianists, Richard
Clayderman and Sharon, a little Chinese girl pianist.
I was wondering why she bought two same cassettes at a
time. At the counter of cashier, she wrote on the tape
her name and the date we had that time, 31 August 2000
and gave one to me. I could not deny her kindness
while she said, “When you come to your house, listen
to it and when you listen to it, please remember me.”
In my daily lives, my mind, my heart and my dream were
devoted to her. If I heard a phone ring, my heart was
trembling and my affection suddenly remembering her.
The second time, I accompanied her to go to a hospital
to have treatment for her sickness. This time she
treated me to eat noodle at a restaurant. The third
and the last time, I accompanied her to have a small
operation of her sickness. This time I had an
initiative to exchange our pictures. The more I knew
her closely, the more I wanted to remember her face in
my dream and imagination. Finally, I got her picture
that I could see it everyday when I had missed her.
One Sunday noon, she invited me in her friend’s
birthday. We were four, namely three girls and
including me. We had lunch at a Mall and I parked my
bicycle in a motorcycle parking lot at the basement.
After we had a good time, I went to the basement to
take my bicycle. One thing happened that I never
expected before, namely, my favorite bicycle, which
took me to many places in Jakarta was lost. I tried to
find it out but I could not get it. Somebody had
stolen it. I was so depressed and sad with this
experience. After a happiness I got, I had to take up
a very sad moment; how contrast it was. My Xaverians
confreres, who knew what I had done, most of them
laughed at me. It was a big mistake that I did and
really an embarrassing one.
What I could learn of this experience was: I have to
be grateful that I did not lose my vocation to be a
missionary-religious-priesthood, but God was still
kind to me and God had a sense of humor that the lost
of my bicycle reprimanded me to be careful with my
relationship and my feeling toward others. Knowing my
bicycle was lost, she and her friends felt sorry and I
said no problem; “it’s not your fault, it’s a really
tragedy, it shouldn’t bother you.” After this event,
she was very seldom to call me up. In the beginning, I
was feeling sad and lost of her but with time running,
I could endure and accept it. My feeling of love and
to be loved, little by little, was disappearing. I
recalled my study that I received from my professors
in my philosophy study: “To love and to be loved as a
human person are the highest meaning we can draw in
our life” (Franz Magnis Suseno, SJ). Another lesson of
my professor is when I fall in love, as soon as
possible I should stand up, awake and be aware of then
to build this love in positive way. From my spiritual
director I learn that to love is a commitment, not a
feeling merely. This unforgettable memory strengthens
my commitment to embrace my religious life even though
in the beginning it cost me a lot of tension and
confusion in my own personality and freedom. To be
honest to myself and to others especially my formator,
I told this love story both to my formators and my
confreres in order to let them know who I was at that
time and to ask help to endure this long-life
vocation. My strength is that I could accept this
moving experience as a positive lesson and to share
plainly to others. In addition, to treat her and other
friends as God’s people in their dignity and still
keep them in my prayer that God allowed them to come
into my life story.
It suggests me to be more aware that I am a man who
needs care, love, attention and acceptance of others
especially other gender. It makes me realized that I
am a normal man who devotes myself to God’s service in
a celibate way with all consequences such as
loneliness, lack of love and attention of others,
depression and isolated life. In my fragility as a
human being, I just surrender to God’s compassion to
keep me being faithful in my daily journey. When I
fall down into temptation, I believe it signs me that
I am a fragile human, not myself who can endure this
kind of life but merely God’s love and compassion and
also God’s great grace. Without God, I am nothing. My
commitments to my religious life in order to
ministering God’s people are full of struggle in my
whole life that require a lot of patience, wisdom and
daily denying of myself. In my weaknesses I commit
myself to God. “If anyone desires to come after me,
let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and
follow me.” (Luke 9:23).
I am grateful to have this kind of experience of
feeling, falling in love and to be loved by the other.
I never had this experience before, so I am grateful
to my friend who finally married with her chosen man.
Even, with my big heart, I attended their wedding both
the reception and the ceremony at a church.
Even though she never told me about her feeling and I
never did so, but from her attitude, gesture and
symbols that she expressed externally to me, I
considered them as a symbol of love. Maybe I made a
mistake to draw a meaning quickly. It is a really good
experience and lesson to me to pass my crisis and
threshold toward my previous way of life in the
Xaverians Missionaries that I have chose freely. This
experience I believe, is a message of God that
challenges me whether I am still faithful to my
vocation to become a religious-missionary-priest or
not. With this experience, it does not mean that I
will not fall again in the same case. At least, I had
known what is the meaning to be loved by others and it
entails me to be humble and not to take advantage for
my own self. Moreover I have to surrender to God’s
will, not me O God, not me, but only your love enables
me to love others respectfully.
Some clues that I can enhance my ability to be with
others in a committed relationship in ministry are to
be honest to myself and to respect others in their
dignity as human beings and do my best to love them in
mutual and unconditional way. Full of compassion and
forgiveness to others will cure some conflicts that
may occur in the relationship. To be aware of the
ministry boundaries is a wise way to relate to others
in the ministry and at the same time not to be afraid
in dealing with them in cooperative way as teamwork.
To be authentic as I am in front of the others will
help others and myself as well to know each other
better.
3. Sexuality and Spirituality
In a celibate life I am enduring now the spiritual
life is the core of this way of life. To be spiritual
does not mean that I neglect my sexuality and my body
instead I have long life duty to integrate both
sexuality and spirituality. The goal of both the
sexual life and spiritual life is union of the
individual with God and with others. Being sexual
involves many aspects of personality: affectivity,
sociality, genitality, femininity, masculinity,
heterosexuality, homosexuality, sexual identity and
love. In the spiritual development according to
Goergen there are three phases, namely, spiritual
awakening, religious identity and spiritual
commitment. In the parallel of this spiritual
development, there is also sexual development, namely,
sexual awakening, sexual identity and sexual
commitment.
A sexual awakening happens in one’s life when
sexuality comes to life with full force that gives
rise also to a spiritual awakening. It begins in
childhood, an adolescent phase, matures to old age
where it bears fruit. Once a person has become
spiritually aware, the task of sexual identity and
spiritual identity are discovered. I come to accept
myself as a sexual person of a certain sex and a
certain sexual orientation. I begin to see myself as a
spiritual person within a particular religion or
belief. Commitment or decision is an important task in
becoming a spiritual person. Goergen points out that
the spiritual awakening brings spirituality to the
level of awareness, the spiritual identity brings it
to the level of self-acceptance and the commitment
brings it to the level of responsibility. The
commitment is not merely mine but it involves other
people. In the celibate life, the commitment deals
with community not only God and myself. I do agree
with this statement, “The most effective way to
prevent misconduct in ministry is to nurture healthy
relationships with colleagues (i.e., members within
congregations), with others, and with God, as well as
to pay heed to mind-body-spirit connections” (Donna J.
Markham and Fran A. Repka).
The celibate life can be understood in the
relationship of oneself to God, to fellow men and
women. Celibate chastity is not something I can
achieve once and for all but a life-long process that
implies a growth toward maturity and union with God
and others. Kierkegaard says that purity of heart was
to will one thing. Even though I believe that the
celibate life is my life I chose freely but as a
normal human being, I believe that sometimes I fall
short in temptations. It reminds me that I am not
perfect, I still need to be humble asking God’s
compassion and strength to stand up again toward the
ideal. A spiritual person as Saint Augustine
exemplified, is restless until one rests in God.
“Spirituality is less about getting it right all the
time and more about realizing that pain, struggle, and
mistakes are an essential part of living. The full
appreciation of inner serenity is achieved only after
having to come to terms with one’s own weakness,
limitations, and shortcomings” (Kevin P. McClone).
Goergen suggests to live and keep the celibate life,
one should live it out in the spirit of discipline,
solitude and joy. The discipline life is not for
discipline itself but always for the integration and
wholeness of the person. “Fulfillment paradoxically
comes through healthy asceticism, sacrifice, and
surrender” (Kevin P. McClone). The goal of solitude
life is love and compassion. It must be based on
prayer and meditation. In the Song of Songs the lovers
after uttering extravagance of language realizes the
insufficiency of words. “The search for love also
reveals the need for a balance between solitude and
intimacy. The call to intimacy is also a call to learn
that, however much two people love each other, they
never own each other nor finally know each other”
(Philip Sheldrake). There are three spiritual joys in
the heart of celibate person, namely friendship,
ministry and prayer. These joys are never complete in
our lives because our joys are mixed by negative
feelings and experiences. Our joy will be completed
perfectly by God in the eschatological kingdom.
CONCLUSION
To live the healthy human sexual development for
ministry in my celibate life is not based on the
celibate life of Jesus of Nazareth but upon Jesus of
Nazareth as fully human, as a sexual and spiritual
being, as man of faith, as God’s presence in history,
as revelatory event, as corporate person, and as the
Christ who calls us and invites us to live as He did
and does. It is my duty as a celibate person to
integrate my life of both a sexual and spiritual being
at the service of God’s Kingdom. In order to endure
this virtue I remember the Testament–Letter number 5
of the founder of the Xaverian Missionaries, Blessed
Guido Conforti, “Remember, humility is the best
safeguard of chastity. There is no better application
for the wisdom of Sirach than here: ‘He who wastes the
little he has will be stripped bare’ (Sir. 19:1).”
“Humility is recognizing our fundamental need for
others and God. Humility is not thinking too much or
too little of oneself but a more realistic acceptance
of who we are with all our strengths and limitations”
(Kevin P. McClone).
Tuesday, January 25, 2004. “I live no longer I, but
Christ lives in me” (Paul, Gal 2:20)
Wednesday, January 26, 2004. “Love is so powerful that
it makes one heart and one will of lover and beloved”
(Catherine of Siena).
Thursday, January 27, 2004. “Obey divine inspirations
that you may recognize as coming from the Holy Spirit”
(Angela Merici).
In the afternoon we had a community meeting evaluating
our community project of life in the dimension of
community life.
Friday, January 28, 2004. “We need to be led to God by
the world we sense and by thinking of Christ the man,
so that seeing God with our own eyes we can be lifted
up to love what we cannot see” (Thomas Aquinas)
I attended the last class of sexuality at CTU in which
we did evaluation of the class and closing prayer and
I submitted my final paper. After finishing the class
we exchanged peace manner with embracing and hugging
each other as I adjust and embrace this culture
prudently while some of the professors touted me
because of my ‘erotic’ prayer I uttered at the closing
prayer.
To express my gratitude having finished my J-Term
three weeks class at CTU, I headed to Saint Peter Loop
Church run by Franciscan Friars (OFM) at downtown
Chicago by CTA bus to receive the compassion and love
of God through confession or sacrament of
reconciliation that I believe a special grace of God
offered to me.
In the evening after supper, I had plenty of time to
write this journal.
Saturday, January 29, 2005. “It is difficult to become
a saint. Difficult, but not impossible. The road to
perfection is long, as long as one’s lifetime. Along
the way, consolation becomes rest; but as soon as your
strength is restored, you must diligently get up and
resume the trip” (Padre Pio).
With Ignas and Father Rudi Subagyo, osc, I went to
Taste of Indonesian 2005 for the Great Tsunami Relief
at the Salvation Army, Des Plaines from 12.15 p.m. to
3.30 p.m. It was held by several Indonesian groups and
corporations in Chicago and visited by Indonesian and
American people who care of the suffering victims of
this greatest natural disaster in the history of
humanity in the world. There were also the Indonesian
Consulate General in Chicago, Mr. Daulat Pasaribu and
Jesse White the Secretary State. It was reported by
some several mass media in Chicago such as Chicago
Tribune, ABC News, CLTV, etc. The event consists of
video clip presentation of the Tsunami tragedy,
remarks by Indonesian Consul General in Chicago and
Jesse White, Indonesian traditional songs, music and
dances beside lunch. Congratulation to the committee
who worked hand in hand so that this event of charity
could be held successfully. They are Chicago City
Blessing (CCBC), Glory of the Lord Fellowship
Pentecostal Church (GOLF) Chicago, Indonesian
Christian Fellowship (ICF) Chicago, Indonesian
Students Association (PERMIAS) Chicago and Kalamazoo,
International Full Gospel Fellowship (IFGF) Chicago,
Masyarakat Budha Indonesia, Masyarakat Hindu
Indonesia, Masyarakat Muslim Indonesia in Chicago,
Persekutuan Masyarakat Kristen Indonesia di Chicago
(PMKI) and Paguyuban Warga Katolik Indonesia di
Chicago (PWKI). Special thank I implore to Ibu Imelda
Palmas who invited us to come to this event. Thank you
very much.
Sunday, January 30, 2005. “Blessed are the clean of
heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5).
In the morning at 8 I attended Mass at Saint Thomas
Church then did some work at the basement and laundry.
In the afternoon I cooked simple food: Pizza and Tom
Yum soup.
Tomorrow morning, Monday till Friday evening, we as
community will be at Portiuncula retreat house, about
40 minutes away South of Chicago to have retreat
guided by an SCJ father, John Czyzinski (the present
novice director of the Sacred Heart Fathers in Hyde
Park, Chicago).
5) Hari Minggu Biasa ke-4, 30 Januari 2005
Senin, 24 Januari 2004. “Kita seharusnya tidak membuat
suatu kompromi dengan kasih yang bertentangan dengan
kasih Allah sendiri” (Fransiskus dari Sales).
Kami mendengar kabar duka cita bahwa kakak tertua dari
Pastor Willy Mukucha, SX yaitu Leopold meninggal dunia
karena sakit stroke di Kanada. Kami semua berdoa bagi
arwahnya dan keluarganya di R.D. Congo.
Pada hari Jumat 28 Januari saya menghadiri kuliah hari
terakhir untuk Perkembangan Seksualitas Manusia yang
Sehat untuk karya kerasulan/pelayanan di CTU di mana
saya juga pada kesempatan ini membagikannya kepada
Anda sekalian. Dalam doa penutup pada kelas terakhir
hari Jumat ini, kami masing-masing mendoakan doa
‘erotis’ karya kami dan di sini saya juga
mensharingkannya pada Anda di awal paper akhir saya
(namun paper lengkapnya silahkan dibaca di edisi
bahasa Inggrisnya di atas).
HEALTHY HUMAN SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT FOR MINISTRY (I-4010)
J-Term 2005
Ya Allah, Dikau tak tersentuh oleh indera manusiawiku
Namun Dikau dapat disentuh oleh pikiran dan
kata-kataku.
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku dengan sentuhan
kasih kedua orang tuaku
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku dengan sentuhan
kelamin papi dan mamiku
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku dengan nafsu dan
persetubuhan manusiawi
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku melalui penetrasi
dan ejakulasi
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku dengan persatuan
sel telur mamiku dan sel sperma papiku.
Kuserahkan pada belaian belas kasihMU:
Kesadaran daya seksualitasku,
Identitas daya seksualitasku sebagai seorang lelaki,
Komitmen daya seksualitasku sebagai seorang selibat.
Pada saat yang bersamaan pula aku menyerahkan padamu:
Kesadaran daya rohaniku,
Identitas daya rohaniku,
Komitmen daya rohaniku,
Dalam persatuan dengan Dikau dan sesamaku menuju
Perkembangan Seksualitas Manusiawi yang sehat.
Demi Kristus, Guru cinta dan belas kasih kami,
Amin.
Selasa, 25 Januari 2004. “Aku hidup bukan lagi aku,
namun Kristus hidup dalam diriku” (Paulus, Gal 2:20)
Rabu, 26 Januari 2004. “Cinta itu sedemikian
dahsyatnya sehingga dapat membuat satu hati dan satu
kehendak dari pencinta dan yang dicintai” (Katharina
dari Siena).
Kamis, 27 Januari 2004. “Taatilah inspirasi ilahi yang
mungkin engkau ketahui datang dari Roh Kudus” (Angela
Merici).
Di sore hari kami mengadakan pertemuan komunitas
mengevaluasi program hidup bersama kami yang kali ini
adalah bagian dimensi hidup bersama.
Jumat, 28 Januari 2004. “Kita perlu dipandu menuju
Allah oleh dunia yang mampu kita indera dan oleh
pemikiran tentang Kristus manusiawi, sehingga melihat
Allah dengan mata telanjang kita ini kita akan dapat
terangkat pada cinta apa yang tidak mampu kita lihat”
(Thomas Aquinas)
Saya menghadiri kelas terakhir tentang seksualitas di
CTU di mana kami menuliskan evaluasi atas kuliah ini
terutama atas materi kuliah ini dan cara penyampaian
materi oleh para dosen rekanan lalu ditutup dengan doa
pentutupan serta saya mengumpulkan paper akhirku.
Setelah mengakhiri kelas ini kami saling membagikan
salam damai dengan tradisi budaya Amerika Serikat ini
saling berpelukan dan merangkul satu sama lain
sebagaimana saya telah beradaptasi dan memeluk budaya
ini dengan bijak sementara beberapa dosen memujiku
karena doa ‘erotis’ ku yang kudoakan di acara doa
penutupan ini.
Untuk mewujudnyatakan syukurku telah mengakhiri kuliah
tiga minggu J-Term ini di CTU, saya pergi menuju
Gereja Santo Petrus Loop di downtown Chicago yang
dilayani oleh Ordo Fransiskan (OFM) dengan naik bis
CTA untuk menerima belas kasih dan cinta Allah melalui
pengakuan dosa atau sakramen rekonsiliasi yang
kupercaya sebagai suatu rahmat khusus yang ditawarkan
oleh Allah bagi diriku secara pribadi.
Malam hari setelah makan malam, saya punya banyak
waktu untuk menulis jurnal mingguan saya ini.
Sabtu, 29 Januari 2004. “Adalah sulit untuk menjadi
orang kudus. Sulit, namun bukannya tidak mungkin.
Jalan menuju kesempurnaan itu panjang, sepanjang kurun
waktu hidup seseorang. Sepanjang perjalanan,
penghiburan menjadi peristirahatan; namun segera
sesudah kekuatanmu pulih kembali, engkau haruslah
dengan tekun bangun dan melanjutkan perjalanan ini”
(Padre Pio).
Bersama dengan Ignas dan Romo Rudi Subagyo, osc, saya
pergi ke sebuah acara penggalangan dana untuk korban
Tsunami di Indonesia bernama TOFI (Taste of Indonesian
2005 for the Great Tsunami Relief) di the Salvation
Army, Des Plaines dari jam 12.15 hingga 3.30 sore.
Acara ini diadakan oleh beberapa kelompok dan
organisasi Indonesia di Chicago dan sekitarnya dan
dikunjungi oleh masyarakat Indonesia dan Amerika di
Chicago yang peduli akan para korban bencana paling
besar dalam sejarah kehidupan umat manusia di dunia,
Tsunami 26 Desember 2004. Nampak pula dalam acara ini
Bapak Konsul Jenderal Indonesia di Chicago Daulat
Pasaribu dan Mr. Jesse White, the Secretary State.
Acara ini diliput oleh berbagai macam media massa di
Chicago seperti Chicago Tribune, ABC News, CLTV, dsb.
Acara ini terdiri dari penayangan video klip tsunami
ini, kata sambutan dari Pak Konjen dan Mr. Jesse
White, lagu, musik dan tarian tradisional Indonesia
serta makan siang. Selamat kepada seluruh anggota
komite yang telah bekerja keras dalam kerjasamanya
sehingga acara amal dana ini terselenggara dengan
sukses. Mereka adalah Chicago City Blessing (CCBC),
Glory of the Lord Fellowship Pentecostal Church (GOLF)
Chicago, Indonesian Christian Fellowship (ICF)
Chicago, Indonesian Students Association (PERMIAS)
Chicago and Kalamazoo, International Full Gospel
Fellowship (IFGF) Chicago, Masyarakat Budha Indonesia,
Masyarakat Hindu Indonesia, Masyarakat Muslim
Indonesia in Chicago, Persekutuan Masyarakat Kristen
Indonesia di Chicago (PMKI) and Paguyuban Warga
Katolik Indonesia di Chicago (PWKI). Ucapan terima
kasih secara khusus saya haturkan untuk Ibu Imelda
Palmas yang telah sudi mengundang kami untuk acara
ini. Limpah terima kasih.
Minggu, 30 Januari 2004. “Terberkatilah mereka yang
murni hatinya, karena mereka akan melihat Allah”
(Mateus 5).
Pagi hari pukul 8 saya ikut misa di Santo Thomas lalu
mengerjakan sedikit kerja di basement dan cuci baju.
Sore harinya saya memasak makanan yang siap saji
tinggal dimasukkan oven, Pizza dan sup ala Thailand,
Sup Tom Yum.
Besok hari Senin pagi hingga Jumat malam, kami akan
berada ke rumah retret Fransiscan di Portiuncula, 40
menit sebelah Selatan Chicago untuk mengikuti retret
bersama komunitas kami yang akan dipimpin oleh pastor
SCJ bernama John Czyzinski (magister novis SCJ saat
ini di Hyde Park, Chicago).
=====
“Only the good and rational person
is capable of true friendship,
for reason stirs up and nourishes friendship”
(Francis DeSales)
Alexander Denny Wahyudi, sx
Xaverian Missionaries
1347 East Hyde Park Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois 60615-2924
Phone 773 643 5745 Fax 773 643 6907
Website: www.xaviermissionaries.org
Monday, January 24, 2004. “We must make no compromise
with a love that is contrary to the love of God”
(Francis de Sales).
We heard of mourning news that the oldest brother of
Father Willy Mukucha, SX named Leopold passed away
because of his sickness in Canada. We all pray for him
and his family in R.D. Congo.
On Friday January 28th I attended the last class of
Human Sexual Development for Ministry at CTU in which
I submitted my 10-page final paper and I would like to
share to you as well. In the closing prayer at the
last class we uttered our ‘erotic prayer’ and here I
expressed my own prayer in the beginning of this
paper.
HEALTHY HUMAN SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT FOR MINISTRY (I-4010)
J-Term 2005
O God, your are untouchable by my human senses
But you can be touched by our mind and words.
In inception you created me with loving touch of both
of my parents
In inception you created me with genital touch of my
father and mother
In inception you created me out of human passion and
intercourse
In inception you created me through penetration and
ejaculation
In inception you created me with union of her ovum and
his sperm.
I commend to your compassionate touch:
My sexual awakening,
My sexual identity as a male,
My sexual commitment as a celibate person.
At the same time I commend to you:
My spiritual awakening
My spiritual identity
My spiritual commitment,
In union with you and others toward Healthy Human
Sexual Development
Through Christ, our Master of Love and Compassion.
Amen.
1. How has my culture shaped my experiences and
understanding of sexuality?
I was born and raised in East Java, Indonesia by a
Chinese descent family who have already lived and
adapted in local Javanese culture from a number of
generations. In my family, my parents never talked
about sex and sexuality to me because probably they
considered that this issue is only for adult people
and we will come to know about it when we are becoming
adult. It is influenced so much of our local culture
that talking about sex especially to the children is a
taboo and shameful thing. It is only appropriately
talked by adult persons and between a married-couple.
Even my parents as I remember, never gave me advice
about relationship to other gender as I grew up in
high school. I came to know about sex and sexuality
from my own searching, my self-discovery from
newspaper, books and magazines. In the age of puberty,
I was sometimes still confused and questioning about
my own mysterious libido that I found out the answer
from the wide-opened information in mass media. I felt
ashamed also when somebody talking about this issue
and I never raised the questions to competent persons.
In my own family, the greeting between our family
members never expressed by touching each other, even I
never embracing or shaking hand to my father,
grandmother and siblings after so long time we did not
meet each other. I never reflected deeply about this
case but I ever read one article that some general
culture among the Chinese descendants in Indonesia
having such a custom. This influenced my way to relate
others in school and society. Normally, I keep very
strict boundaries to other gender in the relationship.
The normal way to greet others in my own culture is
shaking hand but never embracing each other.
Since in the kindergarten and primary school,
gathering with other gender friends is a shameful way.
It created a custom that I had to make friendship to
my own gender, boys. Most of my close friends were
boys and apparently I never had female friends in my
house despite my own shyness attitude. At primary
school normally we sit with the same gender friend and
very seldom we sit with other gender friend. Once I
sit with a female friend, I felt very uncomfortable
and too cautious keeping boundaries especially in
secondary high school.
Even though it seems that sexuality is taboo but in
the society especially in mass media such as movie,
film and advertisement, we can see daily performance
that tends to sex and vulgar relationship between man
and woman. It makes many children more curious to know
about sex and sexuality without taken care by the
parents and adult persons. The information that I got
was ranging from positive to negative teachings and
sometimes ambiguous and I did not know which one the
right according to the norm of my Catholic religion.
One major thing that probably makes me think and
reflect is self-pleasure such as masturbation. It is
struck me when I found that there are some different
approaches and arguments regard to this issue in the
traditional Catholic teaching and other modern
thinkers. Some consider it as mortal sin and others as
venial sin and one author says it is not sin.
“Masturbation is not a sign of the perfection we as
celibates strive to live; neither is it sin. It is
simply imperfection-that which we all are and yet
strive to overcome” (Donald Goergen, The Sexual
Celibate, p. 203). Some myths about this disorder
sexual custom in Indonesia influenced also my
understanding about sexuality.
Since I have lived in the USA I have to adjust the
custom and culture of embracing and hugging each other
in friendship. When I saw this Western culture when I
was in Indonesia, I wondered how I could adjust this
custom. In my ministry at a retreat house as my
Ministry Practicum I from CTU dealing with teenagers,
I was struck by the relationship of girls and boys the
retreatans who mostly the Caucasians. Among boys and
girls, they have very close physical relationship as
if there is no boundary. It never happened in my
experience as a teenager in Indonesia. It somehow
makes me appalled and jealous. As a minister among
them, I should adjust theirs custom. Recently, after
finishing the weekend retreat, at the closing prayer,
some of the girls, the retreatans expressed their
gratitude and peace to me with hugging and embracing.
It made me being accepted by them and the gesture that
I practiced was simply responding their first
initiative to hug me then I opened to their gesture.
Even though I have been living in the USA for two
years but this gesture to hug and to be hugged
especially with other gender still sometimes makes me
feel little bit strange since it is not my custom in
Indonesia. At the same time I feel good to touch and
to be touched by others. One principle that I do agree
and I have practice it in my ministry is “Touch is to
be used in ministry only to address the needs of the
person the religious is assisting, not to meet the
needs of the religious” (Donna J. Markham and Fran A.
Repka).
In regard of human healthy boundary in a life of
ministry, I see there is different value of one
culture to another one. For example, in my country
Indonesia, getting along with children at primary
school (the picture below) such as my experience as I
visited them before I departed to the USA is an
acceptable manner. But, I do not think in the USA it
can be practiced easily like in Indonesia, instead I
should be cautious dealing with the children because
the issue of sexual scandal of clergies. Therefore, I
should be prudent on what I am doing in my ministry
dealing with people, to respect local values and to be
flexible in pastoral issues not to be rigid.
2. “Exploring Commitments and My Capacity for Making
and Keeping Them”
I chose ‘FRIENDSHIP’ because this word recalls my
experience dealing with so many people in my life as
of now. Starting with my friends of close neighbors in
some areas that I had been living in, namely schools,
working places, my formation time in the Xaverian
Missionaries, and all people whom I met during my
ministry as a religious, teacher and a friend of them.
There is one special female friend who gave me a lot
of meaning enduring what I have been choosing as a
religious. Her care of me drew me to a certain feeling
that I never had before, namely, feeling of falling in
love to a girl. It put me on a threshold of my journey
toward a missionary-religious-priesthood and at the
same time transformed and awakened me who I am as a
normal human being. In the insight of this experience,
I want to try recalling my sweet memory dealing with
myself in my great memorable experience to love and to
be loved as a human being.
It is a really unforgettable story that I ever have in
my life journey as a male being. One evening in August
2000, I attended a priesthood ordination of four
priests in a Catholic Church in Jakarta-Indonesia. I
have been attending a couple of times this kind of
celebration since I was in High School. It is always a
solemn Mass with a big celebration that I also want to
experience to be one of the ordained priests someday.
After the Mass lasted I met some nuns who are friends
of my Xaverians confrere. They introduced me to a
nice-looking girl who is their friend. Back on that
day, I was very happy meeting with her while she was
joking and telling me that she is a candidate of nun.
I knew that she was just kidding. It was a nice day
that I could ever have in my life and imagined as if
she would be one of my friends. Since I did not have
any idea who really she is; so my impression lasted on
that day. A couple of days later, she called me up in
my Xaverians philosophy house and since then she often
did so. In the beginning I was so happy receiving her
phone call because I never had this kind of experience
that a girl friend has attention to me. In the human
level, I was consoled but I was wondering with myself:
how do I deal with such a feeling and my religious
life. In one side, I was happy to have a girl friend
that gave me attention but the other side my heart was
not in peace because I have chosen a
celibate-religious life. It seemed that she did call
me up often times till she asked me favor to come
visiting me in my Xaverians house. I welcomed her
delightfully and she came with her girl friend as
well. In the beginning, she told me that she wanted to
know some religious orders of nuns but after she came,
she never wanted to know them. I guessed she only
wanted to know my life closely. After this visit, she
continued calling me up almost everyday. Finally one
evening she asked me help to accompany her to go to a
hospital since she did not have a friend. I did not
answer directly what she asked, instead I needed some
time to decide it. In my prayer in the chapel, I had a
fixed and clear answer to say NO to her, but after she
called, I could not say NO, but saying YES. I did not
know why I could not deny her hope. Probably, I
already had a certain feeling and wanted to meet her
again. To say that I experienced what people say,
falling in love. It was a really a joyful feeling that
I ever have in my life. Even though I know that I have
embraced my religious life but I still had this kind
of feeling, to love other that is the opposite sex.
Eventually, I met her and I had mixed motivation to
meet her: to help her and to meet her because she was
interesting to me. First time I met her, after taking
her to a hospital, she invited me to go to have lunch
at a Mall. I told her that it would be a scandal if
someone knows that I go with her. But, anyway, I did
that while I hoped nobody would see me. In our
conversation during the lunch, she tried to know my
identity and I did so. Afterward, we entered a store
and she bought two cassette tapes of pianists, Richard
Clayderman and Sharon, a little Chinese girl pianist.
I was wondering why she bought two same cassettes at a
time. At the counter of cashier, she wrote on the tape
her name and the date we had that time, 31 August 2000
and gave one to me. I could not deny her kindness
while she said, “When you come to your house, listen
to it and when you listen to it, please remember me.”
In my daily lives, my mind, my heart and my dream were
devoted to her. If I heard a phone ring, my heart was
trembling and my affection suddenly remembering her.
The second time, I accompanied her to go to a hospital
to have treatment for her sickness. This time she
treated me to eat noodle at a restaurant. The third
and the last time, I accompanied her to have a small
operation of her sickness. This time I had an
initiative to exchange our pictures. The more I knew
her closely, the more I wanted to remember her face in
my dream and imagination. Finally, I got her picture
that I could see it everyday when I had missed her.
One Sunday noon, she invited me in her friend’s
birthday. We were four, namely three girls and
including me. We had lunch at a Mall and I parked my
bicycle in a motorcycle parking lot at the basement.
After we had a good time, I went to the basement to
take my bicycle. One thing happened that I never
expected before, namely, my favorite bicycle, which
took me to many places in Jakarta was lost. I tried to
find it out but I could not get it. Somebody had
stolen it. I was so depressed and sad with this
experience. After a happiness I got, I had to take up
a very sad moment; how contrast it was. My Xaverians
confreres, who knew what I had done, most of them
laughed at me. It was a big mistake that I did and
really an embarrassing one.
What I could learn of this experience was: I have to
be grateful that I did not lose my vocation to be a
missionary-religious-priesthood, but God was still
kind to me and God had a sense of humor that the lost
of my bicycle reprimanded me to be careful with my
relationship and my feeling toward others. Knowing my
bicycle was lost, she and her friends felt sorry and I
said no problem; “it’s not your fault, it’s a really
tragedy, it shouldn’t bother you.” After this event,
she was very seldom to call me up. In the beginning, I
was feeling sad and lost of her but with time running,
I could endure and accept it. My feeling of love and
to be loved, little by little, was disappearing. I
recalled my study that I received from my professors
in my philosophy study: “To love and to be loved as a
human person are the highest meaning we can draw in
our life” (Franz Magnis Suseno, SJ). Another lesson of
my professor is when I fall in love, as soon as
possible I should stand up, awake and be aware of then
to build this love in positive way. From my spiritual
director I learn that to love is a commitment, not a
feeling merely. This unforgettable memory strengthens
my commitment to embrace my religious life even though
in the beginning it cost me a lot of tension and
confusion in my own personality and freedom. To be
honest to myself and to others especially my formator,
I told this love story both to my formators and my
confreres in order to let them know who I was at that
time and to ask help to endure this long-life
vocation. My strength is that I could accept this
moving experience as a positive lesson and to share
plainly to others. In addition, to treat her and other
friends as God’s people in their dignity and still
keep them in my prayer that God allowed them to come
into my life story.
It suggests me to be more aware that I am a man who
needs care, love, attention and acceptance of others
especially other gender. It makes me realized that I
am a normal man who devotes myself to God’s service in
a celibate way with all consequences such as
loneliness, lack of love and attention of others,
depression and isolated life. In my fragility as a
human being, I just surrender to God’s compassion to
keep me being faithful in my daily journey. When I
fall down into temptation, I believe it signs me that
I am a fragile human, not myself who can endure this
kind of life but merely God’s love and compassion and
also God’s great grace. Without God, I am nothing. My
commitments to my religious life in order to
ministering God’s people are full of struggle in my
whole life that require a lot of patience, wisdom and
daily denying of myself. In my weaknesses I commit
myself to God. “If anyone desires to come after me,
let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and
follow me.” (Luke 9:23).
I am grateful to have this kind of experience of
feeling, falling in love and to be loved by the other.
I never had this experience before, so I am grateful
to my friend who finally married with her chosen man.
Even, with my big heart, I attended their wedding both
the reception and the ceremony at a church.
Even though she never told me about her feeling and I
never did so, but from her attitude, gesture and
symbols that she expressed externally to me, I
considered them as a symbol of love. Maybe I made a
mistake to draw a meaning quickly. It is a really good
experience and lesson to me to pass my crisis and
threshold toward my previous way of life in the
Xaverians Missionaries that I have chose freely. This
experience I believe, is a message of God that
challenges me whether I am still faithful to my
vocation to become a religious-missionary-priest or
not. With this experience, it does not mean that I
will not fall again in the same case. At least, I had
known what is the meaning to be loved by others and it
entails me to be humble and not to take advantage for
my own self. Moreover I have to surrender to God’s
will, not me O God, not me, but only your love enables
me to love others respectfully.
Some clues that I can enhance my ability to be with
others in a committed relationship in ministry are to
be honest to myself and to respect others in their
dignity as human beings and do my best to love them in
mutual and unconditional way. Full of compassion and
forgiveness to others will cure some conflicts that
may occur in the relationship. To be aware of the
ministry boundaries is a wise way to relate to others
in the ministry and at the same time not to be afraid
in dealing with them in cooperative way as teamwork.
To be authentic as I am in front of the others will
help others and myself as well to know each other
better.
3. Sexuality and Spirituality
In a celibate life I am enduring now the spiritual
life is the core of this way of life. To be spiritual
does not mean that I neglect my sexuality and my body
instead I have long life duty to integrate both
sexuality and spirituality. The goal of both the
sexual life and spiritual life is union of the
individual with God and with others. Being sexual
involves many aspects of personality: affectivity,
sociality, genitality, femininity, masculinity,
heterosexuality, homosexuality, sexual identity and
love. In the spiritual development according to
Goergen there are three phases, namely, spiritual
awakening, religious identity and spiritual
commitment. In the parallel of this spiritual
development, there is also sexual development, namely,
sexual awakening, sexual identity and sexual
commitment.
A sexual awakening happens in one’s life when
sexuality comes to life with full force that gives
rise also to a spiritual awakening. It begins in
childhood, an adolescent phase, matures to old age
where it bears fruit. Once a person has become
spiritually aware, the task of sexual identity and
spiritual identity are discovered. I come to accept
myself as a sexual person of a certain sex and a
certain sexual orientation. I begin to see myself as a
spiritual person within a particular religion or
belief. Commitment or decision is an important task in
becoming a spiritual person. Goergen points out that
the spiritual awakening brings spirituality to the
level of awareness, the spiritual identity brings it
to the level of self-acceptance and the commitment
brings it to the level of responsibility. The
commitment is not merely mine but it involves other
people. In the celibate life, the commitment deals
with community not only God and myself. I do agree
with this statement, “The most effective way to
prevent misconduct in ministry is to nurture healthy
relationships with colleagues (i.e., members within
congregations), with others, and with God, as well as
to pay heed to mind-body-spirit connections” (Donna J.
Markham and Fran A. Repka).
The celibate life can be understood in the
relationship of oneself to God, to fellow men and
women. Celibate chastity is not something I can
achieve once and for all but a life-long process that
implies a growth toward maturity and union with God
and others. Kierkegaard says that purity of heart was
to will one thing. Even though I believe that the
celibate life is my life I chose freely but as a
normal human being, I believe that sometimes I fall
short in temptations. It reminds me that I am not
perfect, I still need to be humble asking God’s
compassion and strength to stand up again toward the
ideal. A spiritual person as Saint Augustine
exemplified, is restless until one rests in God.
“Spirituality is less about getting it right all the
time and more about realizing that pain, struggle, and
mistakes are an essential part of living. The full
appreciation of inner serenity is achieved only after
having to come to terms with one’s own weakness,
limitations, and shortcomings” (Kevin P. McClone).
Goergen suggests to live and keep the celibate life,
one should live it out in the spirit of discipline,
solitude and joy. The discipline life is not for
discipline itself but always for the integration and
wholeness of the person. “Fulfillment paradoxically
comes through healthy asceticism, sacrifice, and
surrender” (Kevin P. McClone). The goal of solitude
life is love and compassion. It must be based on
prayer and meditation. In the Song of Songs the lovers
after uttering extravagance of language realizes the
insufficiency of words. “The search for love also
reveals the need for a balance between solitude and
intimacy. The call to intimacy is also a call to learn
that, however much two people love each other, they
never own each other nor finally know each other”
(Philip Sheldrake). There are three spiritual joys in
the heart of celibate person, namely friendship,
ministry and prayer. These joys are never complete in
our lives because our joys are mixed by negative
feelings and experiences. Our joy will be completed
perfectly by God in the eschatological kingdom.
CONCLUSION
To live the healthy human sexual development for
ministry in my celibate life is not based on the
celibate life of Jesus of Nazareth but upon Jesus of
Nazareth as fully human, as a sexual and spiritual
being, as man of faith, as God’s presence in history,
as revelatory event, as corporate person, and as the
Christ who calls us and invites us to live as He did
and does. It is my duty as a celibate person to
integrate my life of both a sexual and spiritual being
at the service of God’s Kingdom. In order to endure
this virtue I remember the Testament–Letter number 5
of the founder of the Xaverian Missionaries, Blessed
Guido Conforti, “Remember, humility is the best
safeguard of chastity. There is no better application
for the wisdom of Sirach than here: ‘He who wastes the
little he has will be stripped bare’ (Sir. 19:1).”
“Humility is recognizing our fundamental need for
others and God. Humility is not thinking too much or
too little of oneself but a more realistic acceptance
of who we are with all our strengths and limitations”
(Kevin P. McClone).
Tuesday, January 25, 2004. “I live no longer I, but
Christ lives in me” (Paul, Gal 2:20)
Wednesday, January 26, 2004. “Love is so powerful that
it makes one heart and one will of lover and beloved”
(Catherine of Siena).
Thursday, January 27, 2004. “Obey divine inspirations
that you may recognize as coming from the Holy Spirit”
(Angela Merici).
In the afternoon we had a community meeting evaluating
our community project of life in the dimension of
community life.
Friday, January 28, 2004. “We need to be led to God by
the world we sense and by thinking of Christ the man,
so that seeing God with our own eyes we can be lifted
up to love what we cannot see” (Thomas Aquinas)
I attended the last class of sexuality at CTU in which
we did evaluation of the class and closing prayer and
I submitted my final paper. After finishing the class
we exchanged peace manner with embracing and hugging
each other as I adjust and embrace this culture
prudently while some of the professors touted me
because of my ‘erotic’ prayer I uttered at the closing
prayer.
To express my gratitude having finished my J-Term
three weeks class at CTU, I headed to Saint Peter Loop
Church run by Franciscan Friars (OFM) at downtown
Chicago by CTA bus to receive the compassion and love
of God through confession or sacrament of
reconciliation that I believe a special grace of God
offered to me.
In the evening after supper, I had plenty of time to
write this journal.
Saturday, January 29, 2005. “It is difficult to become
a saint. Difficult, but not impossible. The road to
perfection is long, as long as one’s lifetime. Along
the way, consolation becomes rest; but as soon as your
strength is restored, you must diligently get up and
resume the trip” (Padre Pio).
With Ignas and Father Rudi Subagyo, osc, I went to
Taste of Indonesian 2005 for the Great Tsunami Relief
at the Salvation Army, Des Plaines from 12.15 p.m. to
3.30 p.m. It was held by several Indonesian groups and
corporations in Chicago and visited by Indonesian and
American people who care of the suffering victims of
this greatest natural disaster in the history of
humanity in the world. There were also the Indonesian
Consulate General in Chicago, Mr. Daulat Pasaribu and
Jesse White the Secretary State. It was reported by
some several mass media in Chicago such as Chicago
Tribune, ABC News, CLTV, etc. The event consists of
video clip presentation of the Tsunami tragedy,
remarks by Indonesian Consul General in Chicago and
Jesse White, Indonesian traditional songs, music and
dances beside lunch. Congratulation to the committee
who worked hand in hand so that this event of charity
could be held successfully. They are Chicago City
Blessing (CCBC), Glory of the Lord Fellowship
Pentecostal Church (GOLF) Chicago, Indonesian
Christian Fellowship (ICF) Chicago, Indonesian
Students Association (PERMIAS) Chicago and Kalamazoo,
International Full Gospel Fellowship (IFGF) Chicago,
Masyarakat Budha Indonesia, Masyarakat Hindu
Indonesia, Masyarakat Muslim Indonesia in Chicago,
Persekutuan Masyarakat Kristen Indonesia di Chicago
(PMKI) and Paguyuban Warga Katolik Indonesia di
Chicago (PWKI). Special thank I implore to Ibu Imelda
Palmas who invited us to come to this event. Thank you
very much.
Sunday, January 30, 2005. “Blessed are the clean of
heart, for they will see God” (Matthew 5).
In the morning at 8 I attended Mass at Saint Thomas
Church then did some work at the basement and laundry.
In the afternoon I cooked simple food: Pizza and Tom
Yum soup.
Tomorrow morning, Monday till Friday evening, we as
community will be at Portiuncula retreat house, about
40 minutes away South of Chicago to have retreat
guided by an SCJ father, John Czyzinski (the present
novice director of the Sacred Heart Fathers in Hyde
Park, Chicago).
5) Hari Minggu Biasa ke-4, 30 Januari 2005
Senin, 24 Januari 2004. “Kita seharusnya tidak membuat
suatu kompromi dengan kasih yang bertentangan dengan
kasih Allah sendiri” (Fransiskus dari Sales).
Kami mendengar kabar duka cita bahwa kakak tertua dari
Pastor Willy Mukucha, SX yaitu Leopold meninggal dunia
karena sakit stroke di Kanada. Kami semua berdoa bagi
arwahnya dan keluarganya di R.D. Congo.
Pada hari Jumat 28 Januari saya menghadiri kuliah hari
terakhir untuk Perkembangan Seksualitas Manusia yang
Sehat untuk karya kerasulan/pelayanan di CTU di mana
saya juga pada kesempatan ini membagikannya kepada
Anda sekalian. Dalam doa penutup pada kelas terakhir
hari Jumat ini, kami masing-masing mendoakan doa
‘erotis’ karya kami dan di sini saya juga
mensharingkannya pada Anda di awal paper akhir saya
(namun paper lengkapnya silahkan dibaca di edisi
bahasa Inggrisnya di atas).
HEALTHY HUMAN SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT FOR MINISTRY (I-4010)
J-Term 2005
Ya Allah, Dikau tak tersentuh oleh indera manusiawiku
Namun Dikau dapat disentuh oleh pikiran dan
kata-kataku.
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku dengan sentuhan
kasih kedua orang tuaku
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku dengan sentuhan
kelamin papi dan mamiku
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku dengan nafsu dan
persetubuhan manusiawi
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku melalui penetrasi
dan ejakulasi
Pada permulaan Dikau menciptakanku dengan persatuan
sel telur mamiku dan sel sperma papiku.
Kuserahkan pada belaian belas kasihMU:
Kesadaran daya seksualitasku,
Identitas daya seksualitasku sebagai seorang lelaki,
Komitmen daya seksualitasku sebagai seorang selibat.
Pada saat yang bersamaan pula aku menyerahkan padamu:
Kesadaran daya rohaniku,
Identitas daya rohaniku,
Komitmen daya rohaniku,
Dalam persatuan dengan Dikau dan sesamaku menuju
Perkembangan Seksualitas Manusiawi yang sehat.
Demi Kristus, Guru cinta dan belas kasih kami,
Amin.
Selasa, 25 Januari 2004. “Aku hidup bukan lagi aku,
namun Kristus hidup dalam diriku” (Paulus, Gal 2:20)
Rabu, 26 Januari 2004. “Cinta itu sedemikian
dahsyatnya sehingga dapat membuat satu hati dan satu
kehendak dari pencinta dan yang dicintai” (Katharina
dari Siena).
Kamis, 27 Januari 2004. “Taatilah inspirasi ilahi yang
mungkin engkau ketahui datang dari Roh Kudus” (Angela
Merici).
Di sore hari kami mengadakan pertemuan komunitas
mengevaluasi program hidup bersama kami yang kali ini
adalah bagian dimensi hidup bersama.
Jumat, 28 Januari 2004. “Kita perlu dipandu menuju
Allah oleh dunia yang mampu kita indera dan oleh
pemikiran tentang Kristus manusiawi, sehingga melihat
Allah dengan mata telanjang kita ini kita akan dapat
terangkat pada cinta apa yang tidak mampu kita lihat”
(Thomas Aquinas)
Saya menghadiri kelas terakhir tentang seksualitas di
CTU di mana kami menuliskan evaluasi atas kuliah ini
terutama atas materi kuliah ini dan cara penyampaian
materi oleh para dosen rekanan lalu ditutup dengan doa
pentutupan serta saya mengumpulkan paper akhirku.
Setelah mengakhiri kelas ini kami saling membagikan
salam damai dengan tradisi budaya Amerika Serikat ini
saling berpelukan dan merangkul satu sama lain
sebagaimana saya telah beradaptasi dan memeluk budaya
ini dengan bijak sementara beberapa dosen memujiku
karena doa ‘erotis’ ku yang kudoakan di acara doa
penutupan ini.
Untuk mewujudnyatakan syukurku telah mengakhiri kuliah
tiga minggu J-Term ini di CTU, saya pergi menuju
Gereja Santo Petrus Loop di downtown Chicago yang
dilayani oleh Ordo Fransiskan (OFM) dengan naik bis
CTA untuk menerima belas kasih dan cinta Allah melalui
pengakuan dosa atau sakramen rekonsiliasi yang
kupercaya sebagai suatu rahmat khusus yang ditawarkan
oleh Allah bagi diriku secara pribadi.
Malam hari setelah makan malam, saya punya banyak
waktu untuk menulis jurnal mingguan saya ini.
Sabtu, 29 Januari 2004. “Adalah sulit untuk menjadi
orang kudus. Sulit, namun bukannya tidak mungkin.
Jalan menuju kesempurnaan itu panjang, sepanjang kurun
waktu hidup seseorang. Sepanjang perjalanan,
penghiburan menjadi peristirahatan; namun segera
sesudah kekuatanmu pulih kembali, engkau haruslah
dengan tekun bangun dan melanjutkan perjalanan ini”
(Padre Pio).
Bersama dengan Ignas dan Romo Rudi Subagyo, osc, saya
pergi ke sebuah acara penggalangan dana untuk korban
Tsunami di Indonesia bernama TOFI (Taste of Indonesian
2005 for the Great Tsunami Relief) di the Salvation
Army, Des Plaines dari jam 12.15 hingga 3.30 sore.
Acara ini diadakan oleh beberapa kelompok dan
organisasi Indonesia di Chicago dan sekitarnya dan
dikunjungi oleh masyarakat Indonesia dan Amerika di
Chicago yang peduli akan para korban bencana paling
besar dalam sejarah kehidupan umat manusia di dunia,
Tsunami 26 Desember 2004. Nampak pula dalam acara ini
Bapak Konsul Jenderal Indonesia di Chicago Daulat
Pasaribu dan Mr. Jesse White, the Secretary State.
Acara ini diliput oleh berbagai macam media massa di
Chicago seperti Chicago Tribune, ABC News, CLTV, dsb.
Acara ini terdiri dari penayangan video klip tsunami
ini, kata sambutan dari Pak Konjen dan Mr. Jesse
White, lagu, musik dan tarian tradisional Indonesia
serta makan siang. Selamat kepada seluruh anggota
komite yang telah bekerja keras dalam kerjasamanya
sehingga acara amal dana ini terselenggara dengan
sukses. Mereka adalah Chicago City Blessing (CCBC),
Glory of the Lord Fellowship Pentecostal Church (GOLF)
Chicago, Indonesian Christian Fellowship (ICF)
Chicago, Indonesian Students Association (PERMIAS)
Chicago and Kalamazoo, International Full Gospel
Fellowship (IFGF) Chicago, Masyarakat Budha Indonesia,
Masyarakat Hindu Indonesia, Masyarakat Muslim
Indonesia in Chicago, Persekutuan Masyarakat Kristen
Indonesia di Chicago (PMKI) and Paguyuban Warga
Katolik Indonesia di Chicago (PWKI). Ucapan terima
kasih secara khusus saya haturkan untuk Ibu Imelda
Palmas yang telah sudi mengundang kami untuk acara
ini. Limpah terima kasih.
Minggu, 30 Januari 2004. “Terberkatilah mereka yang
murni hatinya, karena mereka akan melihat Allah”
(Mateus 5).
Pagi hari pukul 8 saya ikut misa di Santo Thomas lalu
mengerjakan sedikit kerja di basement dan cuci baju.
Sore harinya saya memasak makanan yang siap saji
tinggal dimasukkan oven, Pizza dan sup ala Thailand,
Sup Tom Yum.
Besok hari Senin pagi hingga Jumat malam, kami akan
berada ke rumah retret Fransiscan di Portiuncula, 40
menit sebelah Selatan Chicago untuk mengikuti retret
bersama komunitas kami yang akan dipimpin oleh pastor
SCJ bernama John Czyzinski (magister novis SCJ saat
ini di Hyde Park, Chicago).
=====
“Only the good and rational person
is capable of true friendship,
for reason stirs up and nourishes friendship”
(Francis DeSales)
Alexander Denny Wahyudi, sx
Xaverian Missionaries
1347 East Hyde Park Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois 60615-2924
Phone 773 643 5745 Fax 773 643 6907
Website: www.xaviermissionaries.org
surat ke-1 bulan Februari 2005
1) 5th Sunday in Ordinary Time, February 06, 2005
“Doing good is our greatest joy; saving souls is our
first priority” (Welcome, Rooster Year)
Monday, January 31, 2005. “God, I not only want to be
all yours, but I wish to become a saint. And since I
do not know whether my life will be long or short, I
tell you that I want to be a saint soon. Let the
people of the world seek the vanity and pleasures and
dignities of this earth. I wish and desire and seek
only to become a saint, and I shall be the happiest of
men if I make myself a saint soon—a great saint” (John
Bosco).
In the morning we headed to Frankport - Illinois, at a
retreat house, Portiuncula to have our annual retreat
till Friday, 4 February. It is led by Father John
Czyzinski, SCJ. We are eight Xaverian students
(Petrus, Jacqued, Alejandro, Chuy, Denny, Ignatius,
Dharmawan and Pascal Atumisi) and our rector, Father
Rocco.
This first day of retreat, we were reflecting about
our images of God and knowing about God. On the shelf
of this retreat house I found a book entitled “The
Cloud of Unknowing” that I always read it on my
spirituality study. It’s all about contemplative and
centering prayer.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005. “You may well be content
to serve our Lord in illness, for when he calls people
to suffer instead of working for him, he is calling
them to a higher state. It is most fitting that we
should carry the cross with Christ” (John of Avila).
Today in the retreat we were reflecting about dignity
and the virtue of poverty as a vow in the religious
life. In my reflection: normally the world will
measure the success of someone based upon his/her
productivity especially in economical result. For
instance my oldest sister always saying that we should
prove that we can do our best in our effort and our
work so that people will recognize that we are able to
do it and not neglect us. I can understand her idea
with its background that in the ‘real’ world they
struggle to compete each other in their business and
they employ the principal of economy. I was struck by
the content of the retreat that the dignity of a
person is not in the productivity, whether we produce
something or not we still have dignity because the
dignity is coming from God. Regarding the vow of
poverty: I am grateful to God and my congregation, the
Xaverian Missionaries that is more than ever I can
experiencing a state of life with sufficient material
and spiritual needs and at the same time to remember
to be aware of my action and my heart.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005. “All who see are not
equally illumined by Christ, but each is enlightened
according to his or her capacity to receive the light”
(Origen).
Today in Makasar, Indonesia, there was an ordination
of priesthood of Natty, the twelfth Indonesian
Xaverian priest. He has been doing his deaconate year
in Cameroon for three years.
In the retreat today we were reflecting about vows of
chastity (celibacy) and obedience. One thing that
impressed me is that Father John in his experience to
decide something, he makes consideration both by mind
and heart then he asked his spiritual director and
finally he decided the one he thinks as the result of
his own heart in his discernment. It’s in accord with
my reading on “The Cloud of Unknowing” that knowledge
often times deceives us but the gentle, loving
affection will never deceive us. This is like the Zen
Buddhism, without explanation, insists that we must
simply sit in meditation.
Thursday, February 03, 2005. “In the prayer we should
show up, shut up, speak up, listen up and give up”
(John Czyzinski, scj).
In the retreat today Father John gave us themes of
praying and the Eucharist. The one who are doing
something we normally name “…-er” like play-er,
danc-er, play-er, etc. In prayer, the one who says
prayer should be called prayer as well. He mentioned
the five steps of prayer: Show up (be faithful to
prayer, take time and be present), Shut up (listen to
what’s going on in myself and around me), Speak up
(speak honestly to God what I feel, praise, anger,
etc, we respond genuinely), Listen up (listen what God
says to me), and finally Give up (loving
unconditionally as I can, give control in my relation
with God).
In the evening we had holy hour and (sacrament) of
reconciliation prayer.
Friday, February 04, 2005. “The greatest challenge of
the day is how to bring about a revolution of the
heart” (Dorothy Day).
Still in our retreat today Father John gave us
reflection of Mission and Love. We concluded our 5-day
retreat with the Eucharist then supper at Northwood
Restaurant.
Saturday, February 05, 2005. “The hunger for love is
much more difficult to remove than the hunger for the
bread” (Mother Teresa).
In the morning Alejandro, Dharmawan and Petrus took me
to my ministry site, David Darst Center since there
was a weekend retreat. This time the group was from
Lewis University at Southwest of Chicago that
consisted of 16 students. Before noon we visited a
recovery house named Saint Martin de Porres located
around 63th street and Woodlawn. This house run by two
nuns occupied by 40 women and 60 children. We listened
to some addicted women who already achieved recovery
at this house. It’s an honest and genuine sharing of
them and all of us attentively listening to them. The
bottom line of their sharing is that they came to
realize that their lives have meaning and God always
opens hope and love to them despite dark lives they
had in the past.
We continued this college retreat with having lunch at
the shore of Lake Michigan while the weather was very
nice and the temperature around 50’s F. We returned to
the retreat house at 3 p.m. and gathered at the chapel
for reflection. I was impressed with their reflection
that I bring with me and share here:
What’s Clouding our View?
The three keys to healing are truth, forgiveness and
self-love. With these points the whole world will
heal. If all humans could be truthful with themselves,
start forgiving everyone, and start loving everyone,
there will be no selfishness, no gossiping, no
judgment. The world would become a place where all of
us can live in love. (Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four
Agreements).
Show me suffering of the most miserable;
So I will know my people’s plight.
Free me to pray for others;
For you are present in every person.
Help me to take responsibility for my own life;
So that I can be free at last.
Grant me courage to serve others;
For in service there is true life.
Give me honesty and patience;
So that I can work with other workers.
Bring forth song and celebration;
So that the Spirit will be alive among us.
Let the Spirit flourish and grow;
So that we will never tire of the struggle.
Let us remember those who have died for justice;
For they have given us life.
Help us to love even those who hate us;
So we can change the world.
Amen. (Cesar Chaves).
We had schedule to go to a movie theater located
around Diversey close to Fullerton to watch “Hotel
Rwanda.” The two-hour movie that depicted the harmful
genocide of one million people in Rwanda-Africa in
1994-1996 between Hutu and Tutsi made all of us
touched and sadly came to silence along the way to the
retreat house. For two hours, 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. we
were at the chapel reflecting what we have watched at
the movie, sharing and doing reconciliation with
washing feet each other. Some of their comments are
powerless, hopeless, harmful, anger, sad, no words,
etc. I mentioned “lost”, lost everything…exactly what
we endured after coming to the parking lot of CTA
train at Halsted, we found that a spare wheel of their
rented white van car was lost, stolen.
Sunday, February 06, 2005. “Hatred paralyzes life;
love release it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes
it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it” (Martin
Luther King, Jr).
Since today there’s a Chinese Lunar New Year
celebration at Saint Therese Church, I preferred to
leave the retreat in the morning. While the retreatans
still continued their activities with Mass at Saint
Basil Church and Su Casa accompanied by Gayle.
Starting at 9.30 a.m. at Saint Therese Church, there
was dragon dance opening the celebration of Lunar New
Year and the Mass started at 10 a.m. I donned a red
Chinese shirt given by Father Michael last year and
Darlene asked me to bring offertory in the Mass. After
the Mass as usual we practiced a rite to respect the
ancestors with incense and this time I took part as
well, remembering and praying of my families who died
such as my mother, grandmothers, etc. There were some
performances at Saint Therese School including an
Indonesian dance. At one p.m. after lunch I left for
home at Hyde Park and in the afternoon I typed this
journal.
Another impression that I have during the retreat is a
list of How Blessed Are You?
If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village
of 100 people, with all the existing human ratios
remaining the same, it would look something like the
following:
- 57 Asians
- 21 Europeans
- 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
- 8 would be Africans
- 52 would be female
- 48 would be male
- 70 would be non-white
- 30 would be white
- 70 would be non-Christian
- 30 would be Christian
- 89 wold be heterosexual
- 11 would be homosexual
- 6 people would posses 59% of the entire world’s
wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
- 80 would live in standard housing
- 70 would be unable to read
- 50 would suffer from malnutrition
- 1 would be near death
- 1 would be near birth
- 1 would have a college education
- 1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from such a compressed
perspective, the need for both acceptance,
understanding and education becomes glaringly
apparent. And, therefore …
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your
back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep…you are
richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and
spare change in a dish someplace…you are among the top
8% of the world’s wealthy.
If you woke up this morning with more health than
illness…you are more blessed than the million who will
not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture,
or the pangs of starvation…you are ahead of 500
million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of
harassment, arrest, torture, or death you are more
blessed than three billion people in the world.
If your parents are still alive and still married…you
are very rare, even in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and
are truly thankful…you are blessed because the
majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone’s hand, hug him/her, or even
touch him/her on the shoulder…you are blessed because
you can offer a healing touch.
Tomorrow we are going to begin our Spring Semester
studies the academic year of 2004-2005 at CTU starting
on February 7 and ends on May 21, 2005.
1) Hari Minggu Biasa ke-5, 06 Februari 2005
“Melakukan kebaikan adalah kebahagiaan terbesar kami;
menyelamatkan jiwa-jiwa adalah prioritas kami”
(Selamat datang, Tahun Ayam Jago)
Senin, 31 Januari 2005. “Ya Allah, aku tidak hanya
ingin menjadi milikMu seutuhnya, namun aku berharap
menjadi seorang kudus. Dan karena aku tidak mengetahui
apakah hidupku akan singkat atau panjang, aku
memberitahu padaMu bahwa aku ingin menjadi orang kudus
segera. Biarkanlah orang-orang di dunia ini mencari
kesia-siaan dan kenikmatan dan martabat dari dunia
ini. Aku berharap dan mendambakan serta mencari hanya
untuk menjadi seorang kudus, dan aku akan menjadi
orang yang paling bahagia jika aku menjadikan diriku
seroang kudus segera—seorang kudus yang besar”
(Yohanes Bosco).
Di pagi hari kami pergi menuju sebuah rumah retret di
Frankport-Illinois, Portiuncula untuk mengikuti retret
tahunan kami hingga hari Jumat 4 Februari. Retreat
kali ini dipimpin oleh Pastor John Czyzinski, SCJ.
Kami adalah delapan frater Xaverian (Petrus, Jacqued,
Alejandro, Chuy, Denny, Ignatius, Dharmawan and Pascal
Atumisi) dan rector kami Pastor Rocco.
Hari pertama retret ini, kami merefleksikan tentang
gambaran Allah dan pengenalan akan Allah. Di sebuah
rak buku di rumah retret ini saya menemukan sebuah
buku berjudul “The Cloud of Unknowing” yang selalu
saya jumpai dalam studi spiritualitas saya. Buku ini
berkisah tentang kontemplasi dan doa hening.
Selasa, 01 Februari 2005. “Engkau mungkin akan sangat
puas melayani Tuhan dalam penderitaan sakit, karena
ketika Allah memanggil orang untuk menderita daripada
bekerja untukNya, Ia memanggil mereka untuk situasi
yang lebih tinggi. Akan merupakan hal yang paling
sesuai bahwa kita memanggul salib bersama dengan
Kristus” (John of Avila).
Hari ini di rumah retret kami merefleksikan tentang
martabat dan keutamaan/nilai kemiskinan sebagai
kaul/janji dalam hidup bakti. Dalam renungan saya:
biasanya dunia akan mengukur kesuksesan seseorang
berdasarkan pada produktivitas orang tersebut
khususnya dalam hasil perekonmian. Misalnya saya kakak
sulungku selalu mengatakan bahwa kita harus
membuktikan bahwa kita dapat melakukan yang terbaik
dalam segala usaha dan karya kita sehingga orang lain
akan mengakui bahwa kita mampu melakukannya dan tidak
mengabaikan/meremehkan kita. Saya dapat mengerti
pendapat semacam ini dengan latar belakangnya bahwa
dalam dunia ‘nyata’ mereka berjuang dalam persaingan
satu sama lain dalam dunia bisnis dan mereka
menerapkan prinsip ekonomi. Saya terkesan dengan isi
retret hari ini yang menyatakan bahwa martabat
seseorang bukanlah terletak pada produktivitasnya
apakah kita mampu produktif atau tidak kita masih
memiliki martabat yang sama sebagai manusia karena
martabat ini datangnya dari Allah sendiri. Sehubungan
dengan kaul kemiskinan: saya bersyukur kepada Allah
dan tarekat/keluarga Serikat Xaverian saya bahwa lebih
dari pada sebelumnya saya mengalami suatu keadaan
hidup yang berkecukupan dalam jasmani dan rohani dan
sekaligus menuntutku untuk selalu ingat dan sadar akan
segala tindakan dan hatiku.
Rabu, 02 Februari 2005. “Semua yang melihat tidaklah
sama dengan yang diterangi oleh Kristus, namun setiap
orang dicerahkan menurut kemampuannya dalam menerima
terang itu”(Origen).
Hari ini di Makasar, Indonesia ada acara tahbisan
imamat diakon Natty, imam Xaverian Indonesia yang ke
dua belas. Ia telah menjalankan masa diakonatnya di
Kamerun-Afrika selama lebih dari tiga tahun ini.
Dalam retret hari ini kami merenungkan tentang kaul
kemurnian (selibat) dan ketaatan. Satu hal yang
berkesan bagiku adalah bahwa Pastor John pembimbing
retret kami dalam pengalamannya sendiri menuturkan
untuk membuat suatu keputusan, ia membuat suatu
pertimbangan-pertimbangan menurut pemikiran dan
renungan hatinya lalu ia bertanya kepada pembimbing
rohaninya dan akhirnya ia memutuskan apa yang telah
dipertimbangkannya seturut suara hatinya sendiri
sebagai hasil dari discernment/pembedaan roh. Hal ini
seirama dengan apa yang kubaca dalam buku berjudul
“The Cloud of Unknowing” bahwa pengetahuan sering kali
menipu kita namun kelembutan afeksi dalam mengasihi
tidak akan pernah menipu kita. Hal ini seperti Zen
Buddhism, tanpa penjelasan, mendorong agar kita harus
secara sederhana duduk dalam sikap meditasi.
Kamis, 03 Februari 2005. “Dalam doa kia seharusnya
unjuk diri, tutup mulut, berbicara, mendengarkan dan
berserah diri” (John Czyzinski, scj).
Dalam retret hari ini Pastor John memberikan tema
tentang doa dan Ekaristi. Seseorang yang melakukan
sesuatu biasanya dalam bahasa Inggris kita tambahi
dengan akhiran: “…er” seperti play-er, danc-er,
play-er, dsb. Dalam doa, orang yang menjalankan doa
(PRAYER) harus disebut pendoa (PRAYER) juga. Ia
meneyebutkan bahwa dalam berdoa terdapat lima tahap
yaitu: Unjuk diri/Show up (setia dalam doa,
menyediakan waktu khusus dan hadir), tutup mulut/Shut
up (mendengarkan apa yang sedang terjadi dalam diriku
dan sekitarku), Berbicara/Speak up (bicara secara
jujur pada Allah apa yang kurasakan, memuji, marah,
dst, kita merespon dengan tulus dan jujur,
Mendengarkan/Listen up (mendengarkan apa yang Allah
katakana padaku), dan akhirnya Berserah diri/Give up
(mencintai tanpa syarat semampuku, mengontrol
hubunganku dengan Allah).
Malam hari kami mengadakan sembah sujud/adorasi di
hadapan sakramen Maha Kudus dan doa serta sakramen
rekonsiliasi.
Jumat, 04 Februari 2005. “Tantangan terbesar zaman ini
adalah bagaimana menghasilkan sebuah revolusi hati”
(Dorothy Day).
Masih dalam suasana retret hari ini Pastor John
mmeberikan renungan tentang Misi dan Kasih. Kami
mengakhiri retret 5 hari kami dengan perayaan Ekaristi
di sore hari jam 4 dan makan malam di Restauran
Northwood.
Sabtu, 05 Februari 2004. “Lapar akan kasih adalah jauh
lebih sulit untuk dihilangkan daripada lapar akan
makanan” (Mother Teresa).
Pagi hari Alejandro, Dharmawan dan Petrus mengantar
saya ke tempat kerasulan saya di David Darst Center
karena ada retret di akhir pekan ini. Kali ini
kelompok peserta retret bersasal dari Lewis University
di Southwest Chicago yang terdiri dari 16
mahasiswa-mahasiswi. Sebelum tengah hari kami
mengunjungi sebuah rumah untuk pemulihan para wanita
yang ketagihan obat-obat terlarang yang bernama Saint
Martin de Porres terletak di sekitar 63th street dan
Woodlawn. Rumah yang merupakan lahan kerasulan dua
orang suster biarawati ini ditempati oleh sekitar 40
wanita dan 60 anak-anak. Kami mendengarkan sharing
dari beberapa wanita ini yang telah pulih dari
ketagihan di rumah ini. Ini adalah suatu sharing yang
penuh kejujuran, asli dan terbuka dari mereka dan kami
semua dengan penuh perhatian mendengarkan mereka. Pada
intinya sharing mereka adalah bahwa mereka menjadi
sadar bahwa kehidupan mereka memiliki arti yang
penting dan Allah selalu membuka harapan dan kasih
bagi mereka sekalipun sisi gelap kehidupan mereka masa
lampau.
Kami melanjutkan retret para mahasiswa ini dengan
makan siang di pinggir Danau Michigan sementara cuaca
sungguh indah dan suhu berkisar 50-an derajat F. Kami
kembali ke rumah retret pukul 3 sore dan berkumpul
bersama di kapel untuk renungan. Saya terkesan dengan
refleksi mereka yang saya bawa sebagai oleh-oleh dan
saya sharingkan pula di sini:
Apa yang membuat pandangan kita kabur?
Tiga kunci untuk kesembuhan adalah kebenaran,
pengampunan dna cinta-diri. Dengan ketiga hal ini
seluruh dunia akan sembuh. Jika semua orang dapat
dibenarkan dengan diri mereka sendiri, mulai
mengampuni semua orang, dan mulai mengasihi semua
orang, maka tidak akan lagi keegoisan, tak akan ada
gosip, tak akan ada lagi pengadilan terhadap orang
lain. Dunia akan menjadi sebuah tempat di mana kita
semua dapat hidup dalam kasih (Don Miguel Ruiz, The
Four Agreements).
Tunjukkan padaku penderitaan mereka yang paling
menyedihkan;
Maka aku akan mengetahui keadaan buruk umatku.
Bebaskan aku untuk berdoa bagi orang lain;
Karena Engkau hadir dalam diri setiap orang.
Bantulah aku untuk bertanggung jawab atas kehidupanku;
Maka aku dapat bebas pada saat terakhir.
Rahmatilah aku keberanian untuk melayani sesama;
Karena dalam pelayanan terdapat kehidupan yang benar.
Berikanlah aku kejujuran dan kesabaran;
Maka aku dapat bekerja dengan para pekerja lain.
Terbitkanlah nyanyian dan pesta;
Maka Roh akan hidup di antara kami.
Biarkanlah Roh berkembang subur dan bertumbuh;
Maka kami tak akan pernah lelah untuk berjuang.
Biarkanlah kami mengingat mereka yang telah wafat demi
keadilan;
Karena mereka telah memberikan kami kehidupan.
Bantulah kami untuk mengasihi mereka yang membenci
kami;
Maka kami dapat mengubah dunia.
Amin. (Cesar Chaves).
Kami memiliki jadwal pergi ke bioskop yang terletak di
Diversey dekat Fullerton untuk menonton film berjudul
“Hotel Rwanda.” Film berdurasi dua jam yang
menggambarkan pembunuhan masal penuh kekejaman yang
memakan sekitar satu juta orang di Rwanda -Africa
antara tahun 1994-1996 antara suku Hutu dan Tutsi
membuat kami semua tersentuh dan dengan sedih berdiam
diri sepanjang perjalanan menuju ke rumah retret.
Selama dua jam dari jam 11 malam hingga 1 dini hari
kami di kapel merenungkan apa yang telah kami tonton
dalam film malam hari ini, bersharing dan mengadakan
rekonsiliasi dengan saling membasuh kaki satu sama
lain. Beberapa komentar dari mereka adalah tanpa daya,
tanpa harapan, kejahatan, keamarahan, sedih, tiada
kata tertuturkan, dst. Saya menyebut kata
‘kehilangan’, kehilangan segala-galanya…tepat sekali
apa yang kami alami setelah tiba di tempat parkir di
depan stasiun kereta CTA di Halsted, kami menjumpai
bahwa ban serep mobil sewaan berwarna putih yang kami
bawa hilang, dicuri.
Minggu, 06 Februari 2004. “Kebencian melumpuhkan
kehidupan; kasih membebaskannya. Kebencian
membingungkan kehidupan; kasih mengharmoniskannya.
Kebencian menggelapkan kehidupan; kasih meneranginya”
(Martin Luther King, Jr).
Karena hari ini adalah perayaan Tahun Baru Lunar atau
Tahun Baru Cina di Gereja Santa Theresia, saya memilih
untuk meninggalkan retret bersama para mahasiswa di
rumah retret David Darst pagi ini. Sementara para
peserta retret masih melanjutkan retret mereka bersama
Gayle dengan misa di Gereja Santo Basil dan kunjugan
ke Su Casa (sebuah soup kitchen/dapur umum untuk para
tuna wisma). Mulai jam 9.30 pagi di Gereja Santa
Theresia, ada tarian tradisional Cina, barongsai
membuka perayaan tahun baru Imlek dan misa dengan
bahasa Canton dimulai pukul 10 pagi. Saya mengenakan
baju Cina berwarna merah pemberian Pastor Michael
Daviti tahun lalu dan Darlene memintaku untuk membawa
persembahan waktu misa. Setelah misa seperti biasa
kami menjalankan acara ritual untuk menghormati arwah
para leluhur dengan dupa di depan altar gereja dan
kali ini saya turut mengambil bagian, mengingat dan
mendoakan para leluhurku yang telah dipanggil Tuhan
terutama Mamiku, kedua nenekku dst. Ada beberapa
pertunjukkan tarian, lagu di aula Sekolah Santa
Theresia termasuk sebuah tarian Indonesia. Pukul satu
siang setelah makan siang saya undur diri kembali ke
Hyde Park dan sore hari serta malam hari mengetik
jurnal ini.
Kesan lain yang saya dapat selama retret akhir pekan
ini adalah sebuah daftar berjudul Betapa Terberkatinya
Anda?
Jika kita dapat memadatkan/mengumpamakan jumlah
penduduk dunia dengan sebuah desa yang berisi 100
orang, dengan rasio manusia yang tetap sama, akan
menjadi suatu hal sebagai berikut:
- 57 orang Asia
- 21 orang Eropa
- 14 dari belahan bumi bagian Barat, keduanya Utara
dan Selatan
- 8 adalah orang Afrika
- 52 adalah wanita
- 48 adalah pria
- 70 adalah bukan orang kulit putih
- 30 adalah orang kulit putih
- 70 adalah bukan orang Kristen
- 30 adalah orang Kristen
- 89 adalah heteroseksual
- 11 adalah homoseksual
- 6 orang akan memiliki 59% dari seluruh kekayaan
dunia dan keenamnya adalah berasal dari Amerika
Serikat.
- 80 akan hidup dalam perumahan yang memenuhi standar
- 70 adalah tak mampu membaca alias buta huruf
- 50 orang menderita karena kekurangan gizi makanan
- 1 akan mendekati ajal kematian
- 1 akan lahir
- 1 akan mendapatkan pendidikan universitas
- 1 akan memiliki sebuah komputer.
Jika seseorang mengumpamakan dunia kita semacam sebuah
perspektif yang dipadatkan, keperluan untuk penerimaan
dan pengertian dan pendidikan menjadi tampak menyolok.
Dan, karena itu…
Jika Anda memiliki makanan di kulkas, pakaian di
punggung, atap di atas kepala dan sebuah tempat untuk
tidur…Anda adalah lebih kaya dibandingkan 75% penduduk
dunia ini.
Jika Anda memiliki uang di bank, di dompet dan uang
cadangan di tempat lain… Anda adalah di antara 8%
orang yang ada di puncak kemakmuran.
Jika Anda bangun pagi hari ini dengan kondisi sehat
dan tidak sakit…Anda adalah orang yang beruntung
dibandingkan dengan sejuta orang yang tidak akan
bertahan hidup minggu ini.
Jika Anda tidak pernah mengalami bahaya peperangan,
kesepian di penjara, kepedihan penyiksaan, atau
kesakitan karena kelaparan…Anda adalah di luar 500
juta orang di dunia ini.
Jika Anda dapat menghadiri sebuah pertemua gereja
tanpa rasa takut akan gangguan, penahanan,
penganiayaan atau kematian, Anda adalah orang yang
lebih beruntung dibandingkan dengan tiga juta milyar
orang di dunia ini.
Jika orang tua Anda masih hidup dan masih dalam ikatan
perkawinan…Anda adalah orang yang langka, bahkan di
Amerika Serikat ini.
Jika Anda menegakkan kepala dengan senyuman di wajah
Anda dan benar-benar berterima kasih…Anda adalah orang
yang beruntung karena sebagian besar orang mampu
melakukannya namun sebagian TER-besar orang tidak
mampu melakukannya.
Jika Anda dapat memegang tangan seseorang, memeluknya
atau bahkan menyentuh mereka dengan pundak…Anda adalah
orang yang beruntung sebab Anda dapat menawarkan
sentuhan yang menyembuhkan.
Esok hari kami mulai memasuki masa kuliah semester
musim semi tahun ajaran 2004-2005 di CTU dimulai dari
7 Februari dan berakhir 21 Mei 2005.
====
“Only the good and rational person
is capable of true friendship,
for reason stirs up and nourishes friendship”
(Francis DeSales)
Alexander Denny Wahyudi, sx
Xaverian Missionaries
1347 East Hyde Park Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois 60615-2924
Phone 773 643 5745 Fax 773 643 6907
Website: www.xaviermissionaries.org
“Doing good is our greatest joy; saving souls is our
first priority” (Welcome, Rooster Year)
Monday, January 31, 2005. “God, I not only want to be
all yours, but I wish to become a saint. And since I
do not know whether my life will be long or short, I
tell you that I want to be a saint soon. Let the
people of the world seek the vanity and pleasures and
dignities of this earth. I wish and desire and seek
only to become a saint, and I shall be the happiest of
men if I make myself a saint soon—a great saint” (John
Bosco).
In the morning we headed to Frankport - Illinois, at a
retreat house, Portiuncula to have our annual retreat
till Friday, 4 February. It is led by Father John
Czyzinski, SCJ. We are eight Xaverian students
(Petrus, Jacqued, Alejandro, Chuy, Denny, Ignatius,
Dharmawan and Pascal Atumisi) and our rector, Father
Rocco.
This first day of retreat, we were reflecting about
our images of God and knowing about God. On the shelf
of this retreat house I found a book entitled “The
Cloud of Unknowing” that I always read it on my
spirituality study. It’s all about contemplative and
centering prayer.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005. “You may well be content
to serve our Lord in illness, for when he calls people
to suffer instead of working for him, he is calling
them to a higher state. It is most fitting that we
should carry the cross with Christ” (John of Avila).
Today in the retreat we were reflecting about dignity
and the virtue of poverty as a vow in the religious
life. In my reflection: normally the world will
measure the success of someone based upon his/her
productivity especially in economical result. For
instance my oldest sister always saying that we should
prove that we can do our best in our effort and our
work so that people will recognize that we are able to
do it and not neglect us. I can understand her idea
with its background that in the ‘real’ world they
struggle to compete each other in their business and
they employ the principal of economy. I was struck by
the content of the retreat that the dignity of a
person is not in the productivity, whether we produce
something or not we still have dignity because the
dignity is coming from God. Regarding the vow of
poverty: I am grateful to God and my congregation, the
Xaverian Missionaries that is more than ever I can
experiencing a state of life with sufficient material
and spiritual needs and at the same time to remember
to be aware of my action and my heart.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005. “All who see are not
equally illumined by Christ, but each is enlightened
according to his or her capacity to receive the light”
(Origen).
Today in Makasar, Indonesia, there was an ordination
of priesthood of Natty, the twelfth Indonesian
Xaverian priest. He has been doing his deaconate year
in Cameroon for three years.
In the retreat today we were reflecting about vows of
chastity (celibacy) and obedience. One thing that
impressed me is that Father John in his experience to
decide something, he makes consideration both by mind
and heart then he asked his spiritual director and
finally he decided the one he thinks as the result of
his own heart in his discernment. It’s in accord with
my reading on “The Cloud of Unknowing” that knowledge
often times deceives us but the gentle, loving
affection will never deceive us. This is like the Zen
Buddhism, without explanation, insists that we must
simply sit in meditation.
Thursday, February 03, 2005. “In the prayer we should
show up, shut up, speak up, listen up and give up”
(John Czyzinski, scj).
In the retreat today Father John gave us themes of
praying and the Eucharist. The one who are doing
something we normally name “…-er” like play-er,
danc-er, play-er, etc. In prayer, the one who says
prayer should be called prayer as well. He mentioned
the five steps of prayer: Show up (be faithful to
prayer, take time and be present), Shut up (listen to
what’s going on in myself and around me), Speak up
(speak honestly to God what I feel, praise, anger,
etc, we respond genuinely), Listen up (listen what God
says to me), and finally Give up (loving
unconditionally as I can, give control in my relation
with God).
In the evening we had holy hour and (sacrament) of
reconciliation prayer.
Friday, February 04, 2005. “The greatest challenge of
the day is how to bring about a revolution of the
heart” (Dorothy Day).
Still in our retreat today Father John gave us
reflection of Mission and Love. We concluded our 5-day
retreat with the Eucharist then supper at Northwood
Restaurant.
Saturday, February 05, 2005. “The hunger for love is
much more difficult to remove than the hunger for the
bread” (Mother Teresa).
In the morning Alejandro, Dharmawan and Petrus took me
to my ministry site, David Darst Center since there
was a weekend retreat. This time the group was from
Lewis University at Southwest of Chicago that
consisted of 16 students. Before noon we visited a
recovery house named Saint Martin de Porres located
around 63th street and Woodlawn. This house run by two
nuns occupied by 40 women and 60 children. We listened
to some addicted women who already achieved recovery
at this house. It’s an honest and genuine sharing of
them and all of us attentively listening to them. The
bottom line of their sharing is that they came to
realize that their lives have meaning and God always
opens hope and love to them despite dark lives they
had in the past.
We continued this college retreat with having lunch at
the shore of Lake Michigan while the weather was very
nice and the temperature around 50’s F. We returned to
the retreat house at 3 p.m. and gathered at the chapel
for reflection. I was impressed with their reflection
that I bring with me and share here:
What’s Clouding our View?
The three keys to healing are truth, forgiveness and
self-love. With these points the whole world will
heal. If all humans could be truthful with themselves,
start forgiving everyone, and start loving everyone,
there will be no selfishness, no gossiping, no
judgment. The world would become a place where all of
us can live in love. (Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four
Agreements).
Show me suffering of the most miserable;
So I will know my people’s plight.
Free me to pray for others;
For you are present in every person.
Help me to take responsibility for my own life;
So that I can be free at last.
Grant me courage to serve others;
For in service there is true life.
Give me honesty and patience;
So that I can work with other workers.
Bring forth song and celebration;
So that the Spirit will be alive among us.
Let the Spirit flourish and grow;
So that we will never tire of the struggle.
Let us remember those who have died for justice;
For they have given us life.
Help us to love even those who hate us;
So we can change the world.
Amen. (Cesar Chaves).
We had schedule to go to a movie theater located
around Diversey close to Fullerton to watch “Hotel
Rwanda.” The two-hour movie that depicted the harmful
genocide of one million people in Rwanda-Africa in
1994-1996 between Hutu and Tutsi made all of us
touched and sadly came to silence along the way to the
retreat house. For two hours, 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. we
were at the chapel reflecting what we have watched at
the movie, sharing and doing reconciliation with
washing feet each other. Some of their comments are
powerless, hopeless, harmful, anger, sad, no words,
etc. I mentioned “lost”, lost everything…exactly what
we endured after coming to the parking lot of CTA
train at Halsted, we found that a spare wheel of their
rented white van car was lost, stolen.
Sunday, February 06, 2005. “Hatred paralyzes life;
love release it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes
it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it” (Martin
Luther King, Jr).
Since today there’s a Chinese Lunar New Year
celebration at Saint Therese Church, I preferred to
leave the retreat in the morning. While the retreatans
still continued their activities with Mass at Saint
Basil Church and Su Casa accompanied by Gayle.
Starting at 9.30 a.m. at Saint Therese Church, there
was dragon dance opening the celebration of Lunar New
Year and the Mass started at 10 a.m. I donned a red
Chinese shirt given by Father Michael last year and
Darlene asked me to bring offertory in the Mass. After
the Mass as usual we practiced a rite to respect the
ancestors with incense and this time I took part as
well, remembering and praying of my families who died
such as my mother, grandmothers, etc. There were some
performances at Saint Therese School including an
Indonesian dance. At one p.m. after lunch I left for
home at Hyde Park and in the afternoon I typed this
journal.
Another impression that I have during the retreat is a
list of How Blessed Are You?
If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village
of 100 people, with all the existing human ratios
remaining the same, it would look something like the
following:
- 57 Asians
- 21 Europeans
- 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
- 8 would be Africans
- 52 would be female
- 48 would be male
- 70 would be non-white
- 30 would be white
- 70 would be non-Christian
- 30 would be Christian
- 89 wold be heterosexual
- 11 would be homosexual
- 6 people would posses 59% of the entire world’s
wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
- 80 would live in standard housing
- 70 would be unable to read
- 50 would suffer from malnutrition
- 1 would be near death
- 1 would be near birth
- 1 would have a college education
- 1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from such a compressed
perspective, the need for both acceptance,
understanding and education becomes glaringly
apparent. And, therefore …
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your
back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep…you are
richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and
spare change in a dish someplace…you are among the top
8% of the world’s wealthy.
If you woke up this morning with more health than
illness…you are more blessed than the million who will
not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture,
or the pangs of starvation…you are ahead of 500
million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of
harassment, arrest, torture, or death you are more
blessed than three billion people in the world.
If your parents are still alive and still married…you
are very rare, even in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and
are truly thankful…you are blessed because the
majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone’s hand, hug him/her, or even
touch him/her on the shoulder…you are blessed because
you can offer a healing touch.
Tomorrow we are going to begin our Spring Semester
studies the academic year of 2004-2005 at CTU starting
on February 7 and ends on May 21, 2005.
1) Hari Minggu Biasa ke-5, 06 Februari 2005
“Melakukan kebaikan adalah kebahagiaan terbesar kami;
menyelamatkan jiwa-jiwa adalah prioritas kami”
(Selamat datang, Tahun Ayam Jago)
Senin, 31 Januari 2005. “Ya Allah, aku tidak hanya
ingin menjadi milikMu seutuhnya, namun aku berharap
menjadi seorang kudus. Dan karena aku tidak mengetahui
apakah hidupku akan singkat atau panjang, aku
memberitahu padaMu bahwa aku ingin menjadi orang kudus
segera. Biarkanlah orang-orang di dunia ini mencari
kesia-siaan dan kenikmatan dan martabat dari dunia
ini. Aku berharap dan mendambakan serta mencari hanya
untuk menjadi seorang kudus, dan aku akan menjadi
orang yang paling bahagia jika aku menjadikan diriku
seroang kudus segera—seorang kudus yang besar”
(Yohanes Bosco).
Di pagi hari kami pergi menuju sebuah rumah retret di
Frankport-Illinois, Portiuncula untuk mengikuti retret
tahunan kami hingga hari Jumat 4 Februari. Retreat
kali ini dipimpin oleh Pastor John Czyzinski, SCJ.
Kami adalah delapan frater Xaverian (Petrus, Jacqued,
Alejandro, Chuy, Denny, Ignatius, Dharmawan and Pascal
Atumisi) dan rector kami Pastor Rocco.
Hari pertama retret ini, kami merefleksikan tentang
gambaran Allah dan pengenalan akan Allah. Di sebuah
rak buku di rumah retret ini saya menemukan sebuah
buku berjudul “The Cloud of Unknowing” yang selalu
saya jumpai dalam studi spiritualitas saya. Buku ini
berkisah tentang kontemplasi dan doa hening.
Selasa, 01 Februari 2005. “Engkau mungkin akan sangat
puas melayani Tuhan dalam penderitaan sakit, karena
ketika Allah memanggil orang untuk menderita daripada
bekerja untukNya, Ia memanggil mereka untuk situasi
yang lebih tinggi. Akan merupakan hal yang paling
sesuai bahwa kita memanggul salib bersama dengan
Kristus” (John of Avila).
Hari ini di rumah retret kami merefleksikan tentang
martabat dan keutamaan/nilai kemiskinan sebagai
kaul/janji dalam hidup bakti. Dalam renungan saya:
biasanya dunia akan mengukur kesuksesan seseorang
berdasarkan pada produktivitas orang tersebut
khususnya dalam hasil perekonmian. Misalnya saya kakak
sulungku selalu mengatakan bahwa kita harus
membuktikan bahwa kita dapat melakukan yang terbaik
dalam segala usaha dan karya kita sehingga orang lain
akan mengakui bahwa kita mampu melakukannya dan tidak
mengabaikan/meremehkan kita. Saya dapat mengerti
pendapat semacam ini dengan latar belakangnya bahwa
dalam dunia ‘nyata’ mereka berjuang dalam persaingan
satu sama lain dalam dunia bisnis dan mereka
menerapkan prinsip ekonomi. Saya terkesan dengan isi
retret hari ini yang menyatakan bahwa martabat
seseorang bukanlah terletak pada produktivitasnya
apakah kita mampu produktif atau tidak kita masih
memiliki martabat yang sama sebagai manusia karena
martabat ini datangnya dari Allah sendiri. Sehubungan
dengan kaul kemiskinan: saya bersyukur kepada Allah
dan tarekat/keluarga Serikat Xaverian saya bahwa lebih
dari pada sebelumnya saya mengalami suatu keadaan
hidup yang berkecukupan dalam jasmani dan rohani dan
sekaligus menuntutku untuk selalu ingat dan sadar akan
segala tindakan dan hatiku.
Rabu, 02 Februari 2005. “Semua yang melihat tidaklah
sama dengan yang diterangi oleh Kristus, namun setiap
orang dicerahkan menurut kemampuannya dalam menerima
terang itu”(Origen).
Hari ini di Makasar, Indonesia ada acara tahbisan
imamat diakon Natty, imam Xaverian Indonesia yang ke
dua belas. Ia telah menjalankan masa diakonatnya di
Kamerun-Afrika selama lebih dari tiga tahun ini.
Dalam retret hari ini kami merenungkan tentang kaul
kemurnian (selibat) dan ketaatan. Satu hal yang
berkesan bagiku adalah bahwa Pastor John pembimbing
retret kami dalam pengalamannya sendiri menuturkan
untuk membuat suatu keputusan, ia membuat suatu
pertimbangan-pertimbangan menurut pemikiran dan
renungan hatinya lalu ia bertanya kepada pembimbing
rohaninya dan akhirnya ia memutuskan apa yang telah
dipertimbangkannya seturut suara hatinya sendiri
sebagai hasil dari discernment/pembedaan roh. Hal ini
seirama dengan apa yang kubaca dalam buku berjudul
“The Cloud of Unknowing” bahwa pengetahuan sering kali
menipu kita namun kelembutan afeksi dalam mengasihi
tidak akan pernah menipu kita. Hal ini seperti Zen
Buddhism, tanpa penjelasan, mendorong agar kita harus
secara sederhana duduk dalam sikap meditasi.
Kamis, 03 Februari 2005. “Dalam doa kia seharusnya
unjuk diri, tutup mulut, berbicara, mendengarkan dan
berserah diri” (John Czyzinski, scj).
Dalam retret hari ini Pastor John memberikan tema
tentang doa dan Ekaristi. Seseorang yang melakukan
sesuatu biasanya dalam bahasa Inggris kita tambahi
dengan akhiran: “…er” seperti play-er, danc-er,
play-er, dsb. Dalam doa, orang yang menjalankan doa
(PRAYER) harus disebut pendoa (PRAYER) juga. Ia
meneyebutkan bahwa dalam berdoa terdapat lima tahap
yaitu: Unjuk diri/Show up (setia dalam doa,
menyediakan waktu khusus dan hadir), tutup mulut/Shut
up (mendengarkan apa yang sedang terjadi dalam diriku
dan sekitarku), Berbicara/Speak up (bicara secara
jujur pada Allah apa yang kurasakan, memuji, marah,
dst, kita merespon dengan tulus dan jujur,
Mendengarkan/Listen up (mendengarkan apa yang Allah
katakana padaku), dan akhirnya Berserah diri/Give up
(mencintai tanpa syarat semampuku, mengontrol
hubunganku dengan Allah).
Malam hari kami mengadakan sembah sujud/adorasi di
hadapan sakramen Maha Kudus dan doa serta sakramen
rekonsiliasi.
Jumat, 04 Februari 2005. “Tantangan terbesar zaman ini
adalah bagaimana menghasilkan sebuah revolusi hati”
(Dorothy Day).
Masih dalam suasana retret hari ini Pastor John
mmeberikan renungan tentang Misi dan Kasih. Kami
mengakhiri retret 5 hari kami dengan perayaan Ekaristi
di sore hari jam 4 dan makan malam di Restauran
Northwood.
Sabtu, 05 Februari 2004. “Lapar akan kasih adalah jauh
lebih sulit untuk dihilangkan daripada lapar akan
makanan” (Mother Teresa).
Pagi hari Alejandro, Dharmawan dan Petrus mengantar
saya ke tempat kerasulan saya di David Darst Center
karena ada retret di akhir pekan ini. Kali ini
kelompok peserta retret bersasal dari Lewis University
di Southwest Chicago yang terdiri dari 16
mahasiswa-mahasiswi. Sebelum tengah hari kami
mengunjungi sebuah rumah untuk pemulihan para wanita
yang ketagihan obat-obat terlarang yang bernama Saint
Martin de Porres terletak di sekitar 63th street dan
Woodlawn. Rumah yang merupakan lahan kerasulan dua
orang suster biarawati ini ditempati oleh sekitar 40
wanita dan 60 anak-anak. Kami mendengarkan sharing
dari beberapa wanita ini yang telah pulih dari
ketagihan di rumah ini. Ini adalah suatu sharing yang
penuh kejujuran, asli dan terbuka dari mereka dan kami
semua dengan penuh perhatian mendengarkan mereka. Pada
intinya sharing mereka adalah bahwa mereka menjadi
sadar bahwa kehidupan mereka memiliki arti yang
penting dan Allah selalu membuka harapan dan kasih
bagi mereka sekalipun sisi gelap kehidupan mereka masa
lampau.
Kami melanjutkan retret para mahasiswa ini dengan
makan siang di pinggir Danau Michigan sementara cuaca
sungguh indah dan suhu berkisar 50-an derajat F. Kami
kembali ke rumah retret pukul 3 sore dan berkumpul
bersama di kapel untuk renungan. Saya terkesan dengan
refleksi mereka yang saya bawa sebagai oleh-oleh dan
saya sharingkan pula di sini:
Apa yang membuat pandangan kita kabur?
Tiga kunci untuk kesembuhan adalah kebenaran,
pengampunan dna cinta-diri. Dengan ketiga hal ini
seluruh dunia akan sembuh. Jika semua orang dapat
dibenarkan dengan diri mereka sendiri, mulai
mengampuni semua orang, dan mulai mengasihi semua
orang, maka tidak akan lagi keegoisan, tak akan ada
gosip, tak akan ada lagi pengadilan terhadap orang
lain. Dunia akan menjadi sebuah tempat di mana kita
semua dapat hidup dalam kasih (Don Miguel Ruiz, The
Four Agreements).
Tunjukkan padaku penderitaan mereka yang paling
menyedihkan;
Maka aku akan mengetahui keadaan buruk umatku.
Bebaskan aku untuk berdoa bagi orang lain;
Karena Engkau hadir dalam diri setiap orang.
Bantulah aku untuk bertanggung jawab atas kehidupanku;
Maka aku dapat bebas pada saat terakhir.
Rahmatilah aku keberanian untuk melayani sesama;
Karena dalam pelayanan terdapat kehidupan yang benar.
Berikanlah aku kejujuran dan kesabaran;
Maka aku dapat bekerja dengan para pekerja lain.
Terbitkanlah nyanyian dan pesta;
Maka Roh akan hidup di antara kami.
Biarkanlah Roh berkembang subur dan bertumbuh;
Maka kami tak akan pernah lelah untuk berjuang.
Biarkanlah kami mengingat mereka yang telah wafat demi
keadilan;
Karena mereka telah memberikan kami kehidupan.
Bantulah kami untuk mengasihi mereka yang membenci
kami;
Maka kami dapat mengubah dunia.
Amin. (Cesar Chaves).
Kami memiliki jadwal pergi ke bioskop yang terletak di
Diversey dekat Fullerton untuk menonton film berjudul
“Hotel Rwanda.” Film berdurasi dua jam yang
menggambarkan pembunuhan masal penuh kekejaman yang
memakan sekitar satu juta orang di Rwanda -Africa
antara tahun 1994-1996 antara suku Hutu dan Tutsi
membuat kami semua tersentuh dan dengan sedih berdiam
diri sepanjang perjalanan menuju ke rumah retret.
Selama dua jam dari jam 11 malam hingga 1 dini hari
kami di kapel merenungkan apa yang telah kami tonton
dalam film malam hari ini, bersharing dan mengadakan
rekonsiliasi dengan saling membasuh kaki satu sama
lain. Beberapa komentar dari mereka adalah tanpa daya,
tanpa harapan, kejahatan, keamarahan, sedih, tiada
kata tertuturkan, dst. Saya menyebut kata
‘kehilangan’, kehilangan segala-galanya…tepat sekali
apa yang kami alami setelah tiba di tempat parkir di
depan stasiun kereta CTA di Halsted, kami menjumpai
bahwa ban serep mobil sewaan berwarna putih yang kami
bawa hilang, dicuri.
Minggu, 06 Februari 2004. “Kebencian melumpuhkan
kehidupan; kasih membebaskannya. Kebencian
membingungkan kehidupan; kasih mengharmoniskannya.
Kebencian menggelapkan kehidupan; kasih meneranginya”
(Martin Luther King, Jr).
Karena hari ini adalah perayaan Tahun Baru Lunar atau
Tahun Baru Cina di Gereja Santa Theresia, saya memilih
untuk meninggalkan retret bersama para mahasiswa di
rumah retret David Darst pagi ini. Sementara para
peserta retret masih melanjutkan retret mereka bersama
Gayle dengan misa di Gereja Santo Basil dan kunjugan
ke Su Casa (sebuah soup kitchen/dapur umum untuk para
tuna wisma). Mulai jam 9.30 pagi di Gereja Santa
Theresia, ada tarian tradisional Cina, barongsai
membuka perayaan tahun baru Imlek dan misa dengan
bahasa Canton dimulai pukul 10 pagi. Saya mengenakan
baju Cina berwarna merah pemberian Pastor Michael
Daviti tahun lalu dan Darlene memintaku untuk membawa
persembahan waktu misa. Setelah misa seperti biasa
kami menjalankan acara ritual untuk menghormati arwah
para leluhur dengan dupa di depan altar gereja dan
kali ini saya turut mengambil bagian, mengingat dan
mendoakan para leluhurku yang telah dipanggil Tuhan
terutama Mamiku, kedua nenekku dst. Ada beberapa
pertunjukkan tarian, lagu di aula Sekolah Santa
Theresia termasuk sebuah tarian Indonesia. Pukul satu
siang setelah makan siang saya undur diri kembali ke
Hyde Park dan sore hari serta malam hari mengetik
jurnal ini.
Kesan lain yang saya dapat selama retret akhir pekan
ini adalah sebuah daftar berjudul Betapa Terberkatinya
Anda?
Jika kita dapat memadatkan/mengumpamakan jumlah
penduduk dunia dengan sebuah desa yang berisi 100
orang, dengan rasio manusia yang tetap sama, akan
menjadi suatu hal sebagai berikut:
- 57 orang Asia
- 21 orang Eropa
- 14 dari belahan bumi bagian Barat, keduanya Utara
dan Selatan
- 8 adalah orang Afrika
- 52 adalah wanita
- 48 adalah pria
- 70 adalah bukan orang kulit putih
- 30 adalah orang kulit putih
- 70 adalah bukan orang Kristen
- 30 adalah orang Kristen
- 89 adalah heteroseksual
- 11 adalah homoseksual
- 6 orang akan memiliki 59% dari seluruh kekayaan
dunia dan keenamnya adalah berasal dari Amerika
Serikat.
- 80 akan hidup dalam perumahan yang memenuhi standar
- 70 adalah tak mampu membaca alias buta huruf
- 50 orang menderita karena kekurangan gizi makanan
- 1 akan mendekati ajal kematian
- 1 akan lahir
- 1 akan mendapatkan pendidikan universitas
- 1 akan memiliki sebuah komputer.
Jika seseorang mengumpamakan dunia kita semacam sebuah
perspektif yang dipadatkan, keperluan untuk penerimaan
dan pengertian dan pendidikan menjadi tampak menyolok.
Dan, karena itu…
Jika Anda memiliki makanan di kulkas, pakaian di
punggung, atap di atas kepala dan sebuah tempat untuk
tidur…Anda adalah lebih kaya dibandingkan 75% penduduk
dunia ini.
Jika Anda memiliki uang di bank, di dompet dan uang
cadangan di tempat lain… Anda adalah di antara 8%
orang yang ada di puncak kemakmuran.
Jika Anda bangun pagi hari ini dengan kondisi sehat
dan tidak sakit…Anda adalah orang yang beruntung
dibandingkan dengan sejuta orang yang tidak akan
bertahan hidup minggu ini.
Jika Anda tidak pernah mengalami bahaya peperangan,
kesepian di penjara, kepedihan penyiksaan, atau
kesakitan karena kelaparan…Anda adalah di luar 500
juta orang di dunia ini.
Jika Anda dapat menghadiri sebuah pertemua gereja
tanpa rasa takut akan gangguan, penahanan,
penganiayaan atau kematian, Anda adalah orang yang
lebih beruntung dibandingkan dengan tiga juta milyar
orang di dunia ini.
Jika orang tua Anda masih hidup dan masih dalam ikatan
perkawinan…Anda adalah orang yang langka, bahkan di
Amerika Serikat ini.
Jika Anda menegakkan kepala dengan senyuman di wajah
Anda dan benar-benar berterima kasih…Anda adalah orang
yang beruntung karena sebagian besar orang mampu
melakukannya namun sebagian TER-besar orang tidak
mampu melakukannya.
Jika Anda dapat memegang tangan seseorang, memeluknya
atau bahkan menyentuh mereka dengan pundak…Anda adalah
orang yang beruntung sebab Anda dapat menawarkan
sentuhan yang menyembuhkan.
Esok hari kami mulai memasuki masa kuliah semester
musim semi tahun ajaran 2004-2005 di CTU dimulai dari
7 Februari dan berakhir 21 Mei 2005.
====
“Only the good and rational person
is capable of true friendship,
for reason stirs up and nourishes friendship”
(Francis DeSales)
Alexander Denny Wahyudi, sx
Xaverian Missionaries
1347 East Hyde Park Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois 60615-2924
Phone 773 643 5745 Fax 773 643 6907
Website: www.xaviermissionaries.org
surat ke-2 bulan Februari 2005
2) 1st Sunday of Lent, February 13, 2005
Monday, February 07, 2004. “Spirituality is the ways
one practices his/her interior and exterior life in a
process of journey of one’s wholeness life in the
mutual dynamic relationship with oneself, others and
the Ultimate Goal (God) toward an absolute truth and
perfection” (Denny Wahyudi).
This morning I went to LSTC bookstore to buy some
books I need for this spring semester studies at CTU
and borrowed one book from CTU’s library. Today is the
first day of the spring semester at CTU and I had
class of Spirituality for the New Millennium-S5310
(Seminar) and there were 13 students mostly D.Min
students with the professor Father Paul LaChance, OFM.
From 1 p.m. to 3.45 p.m. I had class of Anthony
Gittins, namely, Developments in Mission Theology with
21 students.
Tuesday, February 08, 2004. “Many who have experienced
loss, displacement, and suffering are already aware of
the new and deeper spirituality that moves within like
a hunger that must be fed” (Edwina Gateley)
This morning I had a theological reflection group
meeting at Norbertin House and at 11.30 I had an ethic
class of John Pawlikowski, namely, Spirituality,
Liturgy and the Quest for Justice that was attended by
12 students and took place at RZ208 (close to a
synagogue). Ignas took me to Alexian Brother’s
hospital at Elk Grove Village, 34 miles away from Hyde
Park and took 50 minutes to get there. I had an
appointment to have interview of summer CPE (Clinical
Pastoral Education) program at 3 p.m. There were three
persons who interviewed me for one hour, namely, James
Gullickson, Beth and Digna. We met in a room in which
they bombarded me with a lot of questions due on my
life, experience, family, study, ministry, etc. I
tried my best to answer their questions and I just
keep surrender to their decision whether they will
accept me or not and they will let me know during this
one week. This program is started June 6th till August
12th.
ASH Wednesday, February 09, 2004. “What is the most
important spiritual question of our time? My quick
response to such a big, wide-open questions settles on
big, wide-open words—words like life and death, the
holy or sacred, ultimacy, meaning, identity,
belonging, communion, community, diversity, justice
and peace, suffering, order (cosmos) and disorder
(chaos), morality and ethics, creation and creativity,
faith, hope and love” (Patricia M. Fische).
I attended the class of Spirituality for the
Millennium at 11.30 a.m. then I kept stay at CTU
library to borrow some books for my study such as
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Jesuit spirituality and Thomas
Merton. At 4.30 p.m. I attended the Ash Wednesday Mass
at CTU that was presided by a Japanese priest named
Naoki Morita from Kyoto diocese-Japan and Father Bob
Schreiter as the homilist. The liturgy was presented
by collaboration of Korean, Japanese, Chinese and
Vietnamese students with their rich cultural
heritages.
Thursday, February 10, 2004. “The new world order
called for must be based on the Earth and one another,
and on deepened commitment to value of peace, social
justice, economic well-being, respect for cultural
diversity and the integrity of creation, with the
democratic participation of all the world’s peoples”
(Patricia M. Fische).
I attended the class of Pawlikowski, Spirituality,
Liturgy and the Quest for Justice at 11.30 a.m. to
12.45 p.m. At 5.20 p.m. at our chapel there was a Mass
concelebrated by Father Rocco and attended by 40
people consisted of formators and students of three
congregations, namely, the Xaverian Missionaries, the
Combonian Missionaries and the Scalabrinians. It’s the
second time we gathered to celebrate Mass and a try to
know each other after the Combonians initiated and
hosted us last year in which Father Lupo and Father
Rino from the Xaverian General Direction also were
present while they’re visiting us here in Chicago. We
savored good food especially the staple menu
“Jambalaya” cooked by our rector, Father Rocco. The
event was ended by the hospitality among ourselves
till 9 p.m. At night I watched a videocassette
entitled “Bread for the Barrio” and a DVD entitled “A
Story of Cinderella”.
Friday, February 11, 2004. “What kind of spirituality
is needed for our time? One that is relational. A
spirituality that does not include a clear
relationship to God, to others, to the universe around
us, will ultimately not real or helpful” (Rembert G.
Weakland, OSB).
This morning we celebrated Mass at 7 a.m. and I shared
my reflection as I copy it here as I am typing this
weekly journal:
FASTING (Mat 9:14-15)
Perhaps we have experience hunger of food in our life
but perhaps we never have experience starving like our
brothers and sisters in places where there are not
enough food because of poverty. In our world, 500
million people exist on the edge of starvation. In the
film entitled “Bread for the Barrio” written and
produced by the Columban Fathers in 1990, Sister
Monica Lachcik in her mission among Peruvian people in
Peru saying, “I’ve never been hungry in my life. But
knowing and seeing the people when women have to go
crying from door to door saying, ‘Could I have some
milk or could I have a piece of bread,’ Looking at
their faces, knowing that you can’t do anything about
it, they are just begging. I think it just, it brings
to mind, you know, to your heart, the images you know,
it must be terrible to be hungry and not have enough
money to buy the things for your own children, it must
be a terrible, terrible suffering.” In the spiritual
life there is one argument that if we can re-direct
our thoughts about food and about drink then we are
‘in training’ for controlling other thoughts like sex,
things, anger and the like. Fasting-the middle
way-means to eat at designated times, to eat enough
but not too much, and to eat what’s given.
Jesus’ attitude on fasting is in accord with the
prophetic insistence on sincerity in religious
observances and also that his conviction of the close
connection between his own mission and the coming of
the kingdom of God left no time for attention to the
lesser details of pious practice. Jesus maintained, in
the same path as Isaiah (58:3-4) that fasting, like
any other expression of devotion, is something done to
the glory of God, not a means by which the admiration
of men is to be noted that fasting is not, in itself,
condemned. The emphasis is one that is consonant both
with prophetic teaching and with Jesus’ own sayings on
other subjects: God looks, not upon outward actions,
but upon the disposition of the heart. The worth of
fasting, as of any other act, lies in the devotion of
which it is the expression. Without such devotion it
is, of itself, meaningless.
The second saying of Jesus on fasting carries a
different emphasis. Just as the Lord’s Prayer was the
result of a request that he, like other religious
teachers, give his disciples direction in prayer, this
saying resulted from a request that he, like other
teachers, give his disciples some rule on fasting. In
line with the note struck in the saying now preserved
in the Matthean Sermon on the Mount, Jesus refused to
lay down any specific regulation on the nature or
frequency of fasting for his disciples. The reason
given for this is that the way in which the kingdom of
God is breaking through into human history in his
presence and ministry leaves room only for joy and
thankfulness. There is no time for concentration on
lesser things. Though the latter part of this saying,
the assertion that the time for fasting will come when
the bridegroom is gone, may have been added under the
influence of Jesus’ death, its presence in the gospels
was undoubtedly influential in the rise of the
tradition of a pre-Easter fast in the Christian
community. Probable Jesus did keep such fasts as the
one connected with the Day of Atonement. Jesus’
teaching on fasting is in line with the prophetic
tradition and with his own eschatological outlook.
No doubt that fasting did soon come to be regarded by
the Christians as a commendable pious practice.
Literature of the sub-apostolic age indicates that the
pre-Easter and pre-baptismal fasts came early to be
widely practiced, and Christians could be exhorted,
like Jews, to fast twice in the week, on Wednesdays
and Fridays, however, instead of Tuesdays and
Thursdays.
Mary Margaret Funk, OSB, in her book entitled Tools
Matter for Practicing the Spiritual Life suggests two
kinds of fasting that are rarely recommended: one is
water purification fast. This fast is done by taking
only water and no food for one to three days. This
kind of fasting can be addictive because a ‘high’
kicks in and our hunger subsides. Protestors often do
this for one cause or another. The other kind of
fasting is to go on a prescribed fast, eating only
what is directed by a meditation teacher. These two
kinds of fasting, water purification fast and a
prescribed fast, are not recommended unless we have
great confidence in our director. Willfulness can
trick us into using fasting as a means to pride. Even
when we fast for a good cause, we should carefully
examine our motives because tricks of the ego can
easily get mixed in with the austerities. The means
rub out merit or the desired end.
It is enough to do a consistent daily fast of the
middle way except when it is time to feast or to offer
hospitality. When food, for whatever reason, takes
center stage it often sets the seeker inward toward
self rather than further along on the spiritual
journey. We may find an enormous temptation to become
‘food conscious’ rather than to surrender to the more
desirable Christ consciousness. If fasting became a
tool for our lifetime, our bodies would be tuned up
for further work of the mind. The practice of fasting:
1. Eat enough at each meal: not too much and not too
little.
2. Eat the level of nutrition that gives the energy
necessary for your work.
3. Eat at specified times. Refrain from eating between
meals.
Exceptions to the practice:
1. Hospitality: the guest is God so provide food for
them and accompany them in a shared meal.
2. Feasting: on days of celebration in the larger
community eat and drink more. Richer food should be
served and enjoyed. An extra time is often inserted
for appetizers, a snack, high tea, wine, or a dessert
of rich quality. All this plenty marks the day with
abundance and grace.
Do we practice this fasting tradition especially in
the Lenten season? How do we put into practice
three-dimensional spiritual tools, namely,
prayer-fasting-almsgiving both in our personal and
community life toward daily conversion and
contributing charity and justice to the needy?
In the afternoon, I headed to my ministry site, David
Darst Center, a retreat house by CTA since there is a
weekend retreat. This time the retreatans are from
Benet Academy (Saint Benedict High School at
Naperville, Chicago). There are 6 girls (all juniors)
and one lady teacher. In the evening we headed to
Lakeview shelter house (homeless place only for men).
There was another group from Parker School doing
service, sharing food for supper for homeless people
so we just hanging out with them and having supper
together. One teacher of the Parker school approached
and told me that he’s in Indonesia 30 years ago,
teaching English in Bogor, West Java. I was wondered
how he knew that I am an Indonesian, then I thought
that most likely he saw my black jacket that was
written: “Serikat Misionaris Xaverian Indonesia.” We
went back to the retreat house at 10.30 p.m. and we
prayed night prayer with Taize songs.
Saturday, February 12, 2005. “The charism of every
religious congregation, it should be clear, is not
for the members themselves but for the whole church”
(Rembert G. Weakland).
In the morning we went to San Miguel School to help
tutoring children on math and reading course. I did
once to one 5th grader Afro-American boy and it
reminded me my math subject in my elementary school.
In the evening at 5.30 we walked to Chinatown to have
supper at a restaurant till 9 p.m.
Sunday, February 13, 2005. “Mission is God’s job
description, describing ‘both what God does and who
God is,’ and Christians engage in mission not by doing
this or that particular kind of work or going to this
or that place, but by being conformed ‘to the mission
and ministry of Jesus which is the extension of the
‘missio Dei’, the mission of God” (Anthony Gittins).
This morning all of us went to Saint Therese Church to
attend Mass at 9.30 presided by Father Michael. While
it’s raining we continued to visit ‘SU CASA’ a house
for Latin American refugees and have lunch together
with some homeless people mostly Afro-Americans at its
soup kitchen. A Christian Brother that is the founder
of this house named Dennis, guided us to know about
this old house that is used to be of a Franciscan
monastery in the past. One volunteer of the soup
kitchen is a Maryknoll seminarian named James who was
my classmate at CTU last year. At 1 p.m. we went back
to the retreat house and the retreatans were doing
reflection and closing prayer. At 3 p.m. Sister Paula
gave me a ride to go home at Hyde Park. It’s the
second retreat of this month, February and I will have
next weekend retreat in the first weekend of March and
March is the full booked time of retreat because it is
already scheduled three weekends consecutively from
various groups of other states such as Iowa, Nebraska,
and Texas.
HAPPY VALENTINE DAY to all of you, 14 February 2005.
2) Hari Minggu Masa Pra-Paskah ke-1, 13 Februari 2005
Senin, 07 Februari 2004. “Spiritualitas adalah
cara/jalan seseorang menjalankan praktik kehidupan
interior dan eksterior dalam suatu proses perjalanan
dari keseluruhan hidup seseorang dalam relasi dinamis
dengan diri sendiri, sesama/lingkungan dan Tujuan
Pokok (ALLAH) menuju suatu kebenaran dan kesempurnaan
yang mutlak” (Denny Wahyudi).
Pagi ini saya pergi ke toko buku LSTC untuk membeli
buku yang saya perlukan dalam studi saya di semester
musim semi di CTU. Hari ini adalah hari pertama kuliah
di musim semi di CTU (hingga berakhir 21 Mei 2005
nanti) dan saya mengikuti kuliah yang berjudul
Spiritualitas Untuk Milenium Baru (S-5310) berupa
seminar dan ada sekitar 13 mahasiswa yang kebanyakan
adalah mahasiswa program D.Min dengan dosennya Pastor
Paul LaChance, OFM. Dari pukul 1 siang hingga 3.45
sore saya mengikuti kuliah Anthony Gittins, yaitu,
Perkembangan dalam Teologi Misi dengan dihadiri 21
mahasiswa.
Selasa, 08 Februari 2004. “Banyak yang telah mengalami
kehilangan, pemindahan dan penderitaan, telah
menyadari akan spiritualitas yang baru dan lebih
mendalam yang bergerak di dalam seperti seorang lapar
yang harus diberi makan” (Edwina Gateley)
Pagi ini saya mengikuti kuliah sebuah kelas refleksi
teologi dengan kelompok yang sama tahun lalu di rumah
tarekat Norbertin dan pukul 11.30 saya mengikuti
kuliah etika dengan dosen Pastor John Pawlikowski,
yaitu Spiritualitas, Liturgi dan Pertanyaan akan
Keadilan yang dihadiri oleh 12 mahasiswa dan mengambil
tempat kuliah di RZ208 (dekat sinagog). Ignas
mengantarku ke Rumah Sakit Alexian Brother di Elk
Grove Village, 34 mil jauhnya dari Hyde Park di mana
kami tinggal dan memakan waktu sekitar 50 menit. Saya
mempuyai janji wawancara untuk program musim panas
nanti dalam rangka CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education)
untuk kuliah Ministry Practicum II, pukul 3 siang. Ada
tiga orang yang mewawancarai saya yang berlangsung
selama satu jam, yaitu James Gullickson, Beth dan
Digna. Kami bertemu di sebuah ruangan di mana mereka
membobardir saya dengan banyak pertanyaan tentang
banyak berkenaan dengan kehidupan saya, keluarga,
kerasulan, studi, dsb. Saya berusaha dengan sebaik
mungkin menjawab pertanyaan mereka dan saya hanya
berserah pada keputusan mereka apakah menerima saya
atau tidak dan mereka akan memberitahu dalam waktu
satu minggu ini. Program ini akan dimulai dari tanggal
6 Juni hingga 12 Agustus.
Rabu ABU, 09 Februari 2004. “Apa yang menjadi
pertanyaan rohani yang paling penting dalam zaman kita
saat ini? Jawaban cepat saya adalah semacam sesuatu
yang besar, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang terbuka lebar
yang terdapat dalam kata-kata yang
terbuka-lebar—kata-kata seperti kehidupan dan
kematian, yang kudus atau sakral, hal yang pokok,
makna, identitas, rasa memiliki, komuni, komunitas,
keberagaman, keadilan dan damai, penderitaan, tata
keberaturan (kosmos) dan ketidak beraturan (chaos),
moralitas dan etika, ciptaan dan kreatifitas, iman,
harapan dan kasih” (Patricia M. Fische).
Saya mengikuti kuliah Spirtualitas untuk Milenium Baru
pukul 11.30 lalu tetap tinggal di perpustakaan CTU
untuk meminjam beberapa buku yang saya perlukan dalam
kuliah seperti Dietrich Bonhoeffer, spiritualitas
Jesuit dan Thomas Merton. Pukul 4.30 sore saya
mengikuti misa Rabu Abu di CTU yang dipimpin oleh
seorang pastor muda asal Jepang bernama Naoki Morita
dari keuskupan Kyoto-Jepang dan Pastor Bob Schreiter
yang memberikan homili. Liturgi misa ini
dipersembahkan dengan kerjasama para mahasiswa asal
Korea, Jepang, Cina dan Vietnam dengan kekayaan
warisan budaya mereka.
Kamis, 10 Februari 2004. “Tata dunia baru yang
diharapkan harus berdasarkan pada Bumi dan satu sama
lain, dan memperdalam komitmen untuk menghargai
kedamaian, keadilan sosial, kesejatheraan ekonomi,
penghargaan akan keanekaragaman budaya dan keutuhan
ciptaan, dengan partisipasi demokratik dari seluruh
penduduk dunia” (Patricia M. Fische).
Saya mengikuti kuliah Pawlikowski, yaitu
Spiritualitas, Liturgi dan Pertanyaan untuk Keadilan
pukul 11.30 hingga 12.45. Pukul 5.20 di kapel kami ada
misa yang dipimpin oleh Pastor Rocco dan dihadiri
sekitar 40 orang yang terdiri dari para formator dan
para frater dari tiga tarekat religius yaitu Xaverian,
Combonian dan Scalabrinian. Ini adalah kali keduanya
kami berkumpul untuk merayakan misa dan suatu usaha
untuk mengenal satu sama lain setelah Combonian
memulainya dan menjadi tuan rumah tahun lalu di mana
Pastor Lupo dan Pastor Rino dari Direksi Jenderal
Xaverian juga hadir saat mereka mengunjungi kami di
Chicago ini. Kami menikmati makanan yang lezat
khususnya menu utama “Jambalaya” yang dimasak oleh
rektor kami Pastor Rocco. Acara ini berakhir dengan
ramah tamah diantara kami sendiri hingga pukul 9
malam. Malam hari saya menonton sebuah kaset video
berjudul “Bread for the Barrio” dan sebuah DVD
berjudul “A Story of Cinderella”.
Jumat, 11 Februari 2004. “Spiritualias macam apakah
yang dibutuhkan dalam zaman kita ini? Adalah
spiritualitas yang bertalian/berhubungan. Suatu
spiritualitas yang tidak mencakup relasi yang jelas
dengan Allah, sesama, alam semesta pada akhirnya akan
tidak nyata atau berguna” (Rembert G. Weakland, OSB).
Pagi ini kami merayakan misa pukul 7 dan saya
mensharingkan renungan saya sebagaimana saya kutip dan
bagikan di sini saat saya mengetik jurnal mingguan ini
dengan judul: PUASA (Mat 9:14-15)…bdk. versi bahasa
Inggris di atas.
Di sore hari saya pergi ke rumah retret tempat
kerasulan saya yaitu David Darst Center karena ada
retret di akhir pekan ini. Kali ini para peserta
retret berasal dari
Di sore hari, saya pergi ke tempat kerasulan saya
yaitu David Darst Center, sebuah rumah retret dengan
naik bis dan kereta CTA karena akhir pekan ini ada
acara retret. Kali ini para peserta retret berasal
dari Benet Academy (SMA Katolik Santo Benedictus di
Naperville, Chicago). Ada 6 cewek yang adalah kelas
junior (setara kelas 10 atau kelas 2 SMA di Indonesia)
dan seorang ibu guru. Sore hari kami pergi menuju
sebuah rumah untuk para tuna wisma di Lakeview (rumah
penampungan untuk para tuna wisma pria, kebanyakan
adalah Afro-American). Ada satu kelompok lain yang
juga datang bersamaan di tempat ini untuk melakukan
pelayanan yaitu dari SMA Parker. Mereka melayani
dengan membagikan makan malam dan kami dari David
Darst ikut duduk bersama para homeless dan beramah
tamah bersama mereka serta menikmati makan malam,
Lasagna. Seorang guru dari Sekolah Parker ini
mendekati dan berkata pada saya bahwa ia pernah di
Indonesia 30 tahun lalu, mengajar bahasa Inggris di
IPB Bogor-Jawa Barat. Saya heran bagaimana pria ini
tahu kalau saya dari Indonesia, namun setelah saya
pikir pasti dia tahu dari jaket hitma saya yang
bertuliskan “Serikat Misionaris Xaverian Indonesia.”
Kami kembali ke rumah retret pukul 10.30 lalu berdoa
malam dengan lagu-lagu Taize dari CD.
Sabtu, 12 Februari 2004. “Karisma dari setiap
kongregasi, haruslah jelas, adalah bukan untuk anggota
mereka sendiri namun untuk seluruh Gereja” (Rembert G.
Weakland).
Pagi ini kami pergi ke sebuah SD Katolik yang adalah
milik Christian Brothers yaitu San Miguel School untuk
membantu pelajaran les untuk anak-anak di bidang
matematika dan membaca. Saya mendampingi seorang anak
cowok Afro-American kelas 5 SD dalam bidang matematika
yang mengingatkan saya akan pelajaran matematika saya
di SD dulu. Sore hari kami pergi jalan-jalan ke
Chinatown lalu makan malam di sebuah restauran hingga
jam 9 malam.
Minggu, 13 Februari 2004. “Misi adalah deskripsi karya
Allah, menggambarkah ‘apa yang Allah kerjakan dan
siapakah Allah itu,’ dan orang Kristiani terlibat
dalam misi bukan dengan melakukan karya khusus ini
atau itu atau pun pergi ke tempat ini atau tempat itu,
namun dengan terlibat ‘dalam misi dan pelayanan Yesus
yang merupakan perwujudan/kelanjutan ‘missio Dei’,
misi Allah sendiri” (Anthony Gittins).
Pagi ini kami semua pergi ke Gereja Santa Theresia
untuk mengikuti misa pukul 9.30 dipimpin oleh Pastor
Michael. Sementara hujan, kami melanjutkan acara
retret kami dengan mengunjungi ‘SU CASA’ sebuah rumah
untuk para pengungsi dari negara-negara Amerika Latin
seperti Guatemala, Mexico dan makan bersama dengan
para tuna wisma kebanyakan adalah Afro-American di
dapur umum/soup kitchen dekat SU CASA ini. Seorang
bruder dari tarekat Christian Brother yang adalah
salah satu pendiri rumah untuk para pengungsi ini
memandu kami mengenal sejarah rumah tua ini yang
merupakan bekas biara Fransiskan tempo dulu. Seorang
volunteer di soup kitchen adalah seorang frater
Maryknoll bernama James, adalah teman sekelas saya
tahun lalu di CTU yang juga tahun kedua studi teologi
di CTU dan pertengahan tahun ini akan menjalankan OTP
di Jepang. Pukul satu siang kami kembali ke rumah
retret untuk melakukan refleksi dan evaluasi serta doa
penutup untuk retret ini. Pukul 3 sore Suster Paula
mengantarku pulang ke rumah di Hyde Park. Ini adalah
retreat akhir pekan yang kedua di bulan Februari ini
dan saya akan datang lagi ke tempat kerasulan saya ini
di awal bulan Maret dan bulan Maret nanti sudah
dipenuhi dengan jadwal retret tiga minggu
berturut-turut dari berbagai macam kelompok anak muda
dari berbagai negara bagian di USA ini seperti Iowa,
Nebraska, dan Texas.
SELAMAT HARI VALENTINE saya haturkan pada Anda
sekalian, 14 Februari 2005.
=====
“Only the good and rational person
is capable of true friendship,
for reason stirs up and nourishes friendship”
(Francis DeSales)
Alexander Denny Wahyudi, sx
Xaverian Missionaries
1347 East Hyde Park Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois 60615-2924
Phone 773 643 5745 Fax 773 643 6907
Website: www.xaviermissionaries.org
Monday, February 07, 2004. “Spirituality is the ways
one practices his/her interior and exterior life in a
process of journey of one’s wholeness life in the
mutual dynamic relationship with oneself, others and
the Ultimate Goal (God) toward an absolute truth and
perfection” (Denny Wahyudi).
This morning I went to LSTC bookstore to buy some
books I need for this spring semester studies at CTU
and borrowed one book from CTU’s library. Today is the
first day of the spring semester at CTU and I had
class of Spirituality for the New Millennium-S5310
(Seminar) and there were 13 students mostly D.Min
students with the professor Father Paul LaChance, OFM.
From 1 p.m. to 3.45 p.m. I had class of Anthony
Gittins, namely, Developments in Mission Theology with
21 students.
Tuesday, February 08, 2004. “Many who have experienced
loss, displacement, and suffering are already aware of
the new and deeper spirituality that moves within like
a hunger that must be fed” (Edwina Gateley)
This morning I had a theological reflection group
meeting at Norbertin House and at 11.30 I had an ethic
class of John Pawlikowski, namely, Spirituality,
Liturgy and the Quest for Justice that was attended by
12 students and took place at RZ208 (close to a
synagogue). Ignas took me to Alexian Brother’s
hospital at Elk Grove Village, 34 miles away from Hyde
Park and took 50 minutes to get there. I had an
appointment to have interview of summer CPE (Clinical
Pastoral Education) program at 3 p.m. There were three
persons who interviewed me for one hour, namely, James
Gullickson, Beth and Digna. We met in a room in which
they bombarded me with a lot of questions due on my
life, experience, family, study, ministry, etc. I
tried my best to answer their questions and I just
keep surrender to their decision whether they will
accept me or not and they will let me know during this
one week. This program is started June 6th till August
12th.
ASH Wednesday, February 09, 2004. “What is the most
important spiritual question of our time? My quick
response to such a big, wide-open questions settles on
big, wide-open words—words like life and death, the
holy or sacred, ultimacy, meaning, identity,
belonging, communion, community, diversity, justice
and peace, suffering, order (cosmos) and disorder
(chaos), morality and ethics, creation and creativity,
faith, hope and love” (Patricia M. Fische).
I attended the class of Spirituality for the
Millennium at 11.30 a.m. then I kept stay at CTU
library to borrow some books for my study such as
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Jesuit spirituality and Thomas
Merton. At 4.30 p.m. I attended the Ash Wednesday Mass
at CTU that was presided by a Japanese priest named
Naoki Morita from Kyoto diocese-Japan and Father Bob
Schreiter as the homilist. The liturgy was presented
by collaboration of Korean, Japanese, Chinese and
Vietnamese students with their rich cultural
heritages.
Thursday, February 10, 2004. “The new world order
called for must be based on the Earth and one another,
and on deepened commitment to value of peace, social
justice, economic well-being, respect for cultural
diversity and the integrity of creation, with the
democratic participation of all the world’s peoples”
(Patricia M. Fische).
I attended the class of Pawlikowski, Spirituality,
Liturgy and the Quest for Justice at 11.30 a.m. to
12.45 p.m. At 5.20 p.m. at our chapel there was a Mass
concelebrated by Father Rocco and attended by 40
people consisted of formators and students of three
congregations, namely, the Xaverian Missionaries, the
Combonian Missionaries and the Scalabrinians. It’s the
second time we gathered to celebrate Mass and a try to
know each other after the Combonians initiated and
hosted us last year in which Father Lupo and Father
Rino from the Xaverian General Direction also were
present while they’re visiting us here in Chicago. We
savored good food especially the staple menu
“Jambalaya” cooked by our rector, Father Rocco. The
event was ended by the hospitality among ourselves
till 9 p.m. At night I watched a videocassette
entitled “Bread for the Barrio” and a DVD entitled “A
Story of Cinderella”.
Friday, February 11, 2004. “What kind of spirituality
is needed for our time? One that is relational. A
spirituality that does not include a clear
relationship to God, to others, to the universe around
us, will ultimately not real or helpful” (Rembert G.
Weakland, OSB).
This morning we celebrated Mass at 7 a.m. and I shared
my reflection as I copy it here as I am typing this
weekly journal:
FASTING (Mat 9:14-15)
Perhaps we have experience hunger of food in our life
but perhaps we never have experience starving like our
brothers and sisters in places where there are not
enough food because of poverty. In our world, 500
million people exist on the edge of starvation. In the
film entitled “Bread for the Barrio” written and
produced by the Columban Fathers in 1990, Sister
Monica Lachcik in her mission among Peruvian people in
Peru saying, “I’ve never been hungry in my life. But
knowing and seeing the people when women have to go
crying from door to door saying, ‘Could I have some
milk or could I have a piece of bread,’ Looking at
their faces, knowing that you can’t do anything about
it, they are just begging. I think it just, it brings
to mind, you know, to your heart, the images you know,
it must be terrible to be hungry and not have enough
money to buy the things for your own children, it must
be a terrible, terrible suffering.” In the spiritual
life there is one argument that if we can re-direct
our thoughts about food and about drink then we are
‘in training’ for controlling other thoughts like sex,
things, anger and the like. Fasting-the middle
way-means to eat at designated times, to eat enough
but not too much, and to eat what’s given.
Jesus’ attitude on fasting is in accord with the
prophetic insistence on sincerity in religious
observances and also that his conviction of the close
connection between his own mission and the coming of
the kingdom of God left no time for attention to the
lesser details of pious practice. Jesus maintained, in
the same path as Isaiah (58:3-4) that fasting, like
any other expression of devotion, is something done to
the glory of God, not a means by which the admiration
of men is to be noted that fasting is not, in itself,
condemned. The emphasis is one that is consonant both
with prophetic teaching and with Jesus’ own sayings on
other subjects: God looks, not upon outward actions,
but upon the disposition of the heart. The worth of
fasting, as of any other act, lies in the devotion of
which it is the expression. Without such devotion it
is, of itself, meaningless.
The second saying of Jesus on fasting carries a
different emphasis. Just as the Lord’s Prayer was the
result of a request that he, like other religious
teachers, give his disciples direction in prayer, this
saying resulted from a request that he, like other
teachers, give his disciples some rule on fasting. In
line with the note struck in the saying now preserved
in the Matthean Sermon on the Mount, Jesus refused to
lay down any specific regulation on the nature or
frequency of fasting for his disciples. The reason
given for this is that the way in which the kingdom of
God is breaking through into human history in his
presence and ministry leaves room only for joy and
thankfulness. There is no time for concentration on
lesser things. Though the latter part of this saying,
the assertion that the time for fasting will come when
the bridegroom is gone, may have been added under the
influence of Jesus’ death, its presence in the gospels
was undoubtedly influential in the rise of the
tradition of a pre-Easter fast in the Christian
community. Probable Jesus did keep such fasts as the
one connected with the Day of Atonement. Jesus’
teaching on fasting is in line with the prophetic
tradition and with his own eschatological outlook.
No doubt that fasting did soon come to be regarded by
the Christians as a commendable pious practice.
Literature of the sub-apostolic age indicates that the
pre-Easter and pre-baptismal fasts came early to be
widely practiced, and Christians could be exhorted,
like Jews, to fast twice in the week, on Wednesdays
and Fridays, however, instead of Tuesdays and
Thursdays.
Mary Margaret Funk, OSB, in her book entitled Tools
Matter for Practicing the Spiritual Life suggests two
kinds of fasting that are rarely recommended: one is
water purification fast. This fast is done by taking
only water and no food for one to three days. This
kind of fasting can be addictive because a ‘high’
kicks in and our hunger subsides. Protestors often do
this for one cause or another. The other kind of
fasting is to go on a prescribed fast, eating only
what is directed by a meditation teacher. These two
kinds of fasting, water purification fast and a
prescribed fast, are not recommended unless we have
great confidence in our director. Willfulness can
trick us into using fasting as a means to pride. Even
when we fast for a good cause, we should carefully
examine our motives because tricks of the ego can
easily get mixed in with the austerities. The means
rub out merit or the desired end.
It is enough to do a consistent daily fast of the
middle way except when it is time to feast or to offer
hospitality. When food, for whatever reason, takes
center stage it often sets the seeker inward toward
self rather than further along on the spiritual
journey. We may find an enormous temptation to become
‘food conscious’ rather than to surrender to the more
desirable Christ consciousness. If fasting became a
tool for our lifetime, our bodies would be tuned up
for further work of the mind. The practice of fasting:
1. Eat enough at each meal: not too much and not too
little.
2. Eat the level of nutrition that gives the energy
necessary for your work.
3. Eat at specified times. Refrain from eating between
meals.
Exceptions to the practice:
1. Hospitality: the guest is God so provide food for
them and accompany them in a shared meal.
2. Feasting: on days of celebration in the larger
community eat and drink more. Richer food should be
served and enjoyed. An extra time is often inserted
for appetizers, a snack, high tea, wine, or a dessert
of rich quality. All this plenty marks the day with
abundance and grace.
Do we practice this fasting tradition especially in
the Lenten season? How do we put into practice
three-dimensional spiritual tools, namely,
prayer-fasting-almsgiving both in our personal and
community life toward daily conversion and
contributing charity and justice to the needy?
In the afternoon, I headed to my ministry site, David
Darst Center, a retreat house by CTA since there is a
weekend retreat. This time the retreatans are from
Benet Academy (Saint Benedict High School at
Naperville, Chicago). There are 6 girls (all juniors)
and one lady teacher. In the evening we headed to
Lakeview shelter house (homeless place only for men).
There was another group from Parker School doing
service, sharing food for supper for homeless people
so we just hanging out with them and having supper
together. One teacher of the Parker school approached
and told me that he’s in Indonesia 30 years ago,
teaching English in Bogor, West Java. I was wondered
how he knew that I am an Indonesian, then I thought
that most likely he saw my black jacket that was
written: “Serikat Misionaris Xaverian Indonesia.” We
went back to the retreat house at 10.30 p.m. and we
prayed night prayer with Taize songs.
Saturday, February 12, 2005. “The charism of every
religious congregation, it should be clear, is not
for the members themselves but for the whole church”
(Rembert G. Weakland).
In the morning we went to San Miguel School to help
tutoring children on math and reading course. I did
once to one 5th grader Afro-American boy and it
reminded me my math subject in my elementary school.
In the evening at 5.30 we walked to Chinatown to have
supper at a restaurant till 9 p.m.
Sunday, February 13, 2005. “Mission is God’s job
description, describing ‘both what God does and who
God is,’ and Christians engage in mission not by doing
this or that particular kind of work or going to this
or that place, but by being conformed ‘to the mission
and ministry of Jesus which is the extension of the
‘missio Dei’, the mission of God” (Anthony Gittins).
This morning all of us went to Saint Therese Church to
attend Mass at 9.30 presided by Father Michael. While
it’s raining we continued to visit ‘SU CASA’ a house
for Latin American refugees and have lunch together
with some homeless people mostly Afro-Americans at its
soup kitchen. A Christian Brother that is the founder
of this house named Dennis, guided us to know about
this old house that is used to be of a Franciscan
monastery in the past. One volunteer of the soup
kitchen is a Maryknoll seminarian named James who was
my classmate at CTU last year. At 1 p.m. we went back
to the retreat house and the retreatans were doing
reflection and closing prayer. At 3 p.m. Sister Paula
gave me a ride to go home at Hyde Park. It’s the
second retreat of this month, February and I will have
next weekend retreat in the first weekend of March and
March is the full booked time of retreat because it is
already scheduled three weekends consecutively from
various groups of other states such as Iowa, Nebraska,
and Texas.
HAPPY VALENTINE DAY to all of you, 14 February 2005.
2) Hari Minggu Masa Pra-Paskah ke-1, 13 Februari 2005
Senin, 07 Februari 2004. “Spiritualitas adalah
cara/jalan seseorang menjalankan praktik kehidupan
interior dan eksterior dalam suatu proses perjalanan
dari keseluruhan hidup seseorang dalam relasi dinamis
dengan diri sendiri, sesama/lingkungan dan Tujuan
Pokok (ALLAH) menuju suatu kebenaran dan kesempurnaan
yang mutlak” (Denny Wahyudi).
Pagi ini saya pergi ke toko buku LSTC untuk membeli
buku yang saya perlukan dalam studi saya di semester
musim semi di CTU. Hari ini adalah hari pertama kuliah
di musim semi di CTU (hingga berakhir 21 Mei 2005
nanti) dan saya mengikuti kuliah yang berjudul
Spiritualitas Untuk Milenium Baru (S-5310) berupa
seminar dan ada sekitar 13 mahasiswa yang kebanyakan
adalah mahasiswa program D.Min dengan dosennya Pastor
Paul LaChance, OFM. Dari pukul 1 siang hingga 3.45
sore saya mengikuti kuliah Anthony Gittins, yaitu,
Perkembangan dalam Teologi Misi dengan dihadiri 21
mahasiswa.
Selasa, 08 Februari 2004. “Banyak yang telah mengalami
kehilangan, pemindahan dan penderitaan, telah
menyadari akan spiritualitas yang baru dan lebih
mendalam yang bergerak di dalam seperti seorang lapar
yang harus diberi makan” (Edwina Gateley)
Pagi ini saya mengikuti kuliah sebuah kelas refleksi
teologi dengan kelompok yang sama tahun lalu di rumah
tarekat Norbertin dan pukul 11.30 saya mengikuti
kuliah etika dengan dosen Pastor John Pawlikowski,
yaitu Spiritualitas, Liturgi dan Pertanyaan akan
Keadilan yang dihadiri oleh 12 mahasiswa dan mengambil
tempat kuliah di RZ208 (dekat sinagog). Ignas
mengantarku ke Rumah Sakit Alexian Brother di Elk
Grove Village, 34 mil jauhnya dari Hyde Park di mana
kami tinggal dan memakan waktu sekitar 50 menit. Saya
mempuyai janji wawancara untuk program musim panas
nanti dalam rangka CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education)
untuk kuliah Ministry Practicum II, pukul 3 siang. Ada
tiga orang yang mewawancarai saya yang berlangsung
selama satu jam, yaitu James Gullickson, Beth dan
Digna. Kami bertemu di sebuah ruangan di mana mereka
membobardir saya dengan banyak pertanyaan tentang
banyak berkenaan dengan kehidupan saya, keluarga,
kerasulan, studi, dsb. Saya berusaha dengan sebaik
mungkin menjawab pertanyaan mereka dan saya hanya
berserah pada keputusan mereka apakah menerima saya
atau tidak dan mereka akan memberitahu dalam waktu
satu minggu ini. Program ini akan dimulai dari tanggal
6 Juni hingga 12 Agustus.
Rabu ABU, 09 Februari 2004. “Apa yang menjadi
pertanyaan rohani yang paling penting dalam zaman kita
saat ini? Jawaban cepat saya adalah semacam sesuatu
yang besar, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang terbuka lebar
yang terdapat dalam kata-kata yang
terbuka-lebar—kata-kata seperti kehidupan dan
kematian, yang kudus atau sakral, hal yang pokok,
makna, identitas, rasa memiliki, komuni, komunitas,
keberagaman, keadilan dan damai, penderitaan, tata
keberaturan (kosmos) dan ketidak beraturan (chaos),
moralitas dan etika, ciptaan dan kreatifitas, iman,
harapan dan kasih” (Patricia M. Fische).
Saya mengikuti kuliah Spirtualitas untuk Milenium Baru
pukul 11.30 lalu tetap tinggal di perpustakaan CTU
untuk meminjam beberapa buku yang saya perlukan dalam
kuliah seperti Dietrich Bonhoeffer, spiritualitas
Jesuit dan Thomas Merton. Pukul 4.30 sore saya
mengikuti misa Rabu Abu di CTU yang dipimpin oleh
seorang pastor muda asal Jepang bernama Naoki Morita
dari keuskupan Kyoto-Jepang dan Pastor Bob Schreiter
yang memberikan homili. Liturgi misa ini
dipersembahkan dengan kerjasama para mahasiswa asal
Korea, Jepang, Cina dan Vietnam dengan kekayaan
warisan budaya mereka.
Kamis, 10 Februari 2004. “Tata dunia baru yang
diharapkan harus berdasarkan pada Bumi dan satu sama
lain, dan memperdalam komitmen untuk menghargai
kedamaian, keadilan sosial, kesejatheraan ekonomi,
penghargaan akan keanekaragaman budaya dan keutuhan
ciptaan, dengan partisipasi demokratik dari seluruh
penduduk dunia” (Patricia M. Fische).
Saya mengikuti kuliah Pawlikowski, yaitu
Spiritualitas, Liturgi dan Pertanyaan untuk Keadilan
pukul 11.30 hingga 12.45. Pukul 5.20 di kapel kami ada
misa yang dipimpin oleh Pastor Rocco dan dihadiri
sekitar 40 orang yang terdiri dari para formator dan
para frater dari tiga tarekat religius yaitu Xaverian,
Combonian dan Scalabrinian. Ini adalah kali keduanya
kami berkumpul untuk merayakan misa dan suatu usaha
untuk mengenal satu sama lain setelah Combonian
memulainya dan menjadi tuan rumah tahun lalu di mana
Pastor Lupo dan Pastor Rino dari Direksi Jenderal
Xaverian juga hadir saat mereka mengunjungi kami di
Chicago ini. Kami menikmati makanan yang lezat
khususnya menu utama “Jambalaya” yang dimasak oleh
rektor kami Pastor Rocco. Acara ini berakhir dengan
ramah tamah diantara kami sendiri hingga pukul 9
malam. Malam hari saya menonton sebuah kaset video
berjudul “Bread for the Barrio” dan sebuah DVD
berjudul “A Story of Cinderella”.
Jumat, 11 Februari 2004. “Spiritualias macam apakah
yang dibutuhkan dalam zaman kita ini? Adalah
spiritualitas yang bertalian/berhubungan. Suatu
spiritualitas yang tidak mencakup relasi yang jelas
dengan Allah, sesama, alam semesta pada akhirnya akan
tidak nyata atau berguna” (Rembert G. Weakland, OSB).
Pagi ini kami merayakan misa pukul 7 dan saya
mensharingkan renungan saya sebagaimana saya kutip dan
bagikan di sini saat saya mengetik jurnal mingguan ini
dengan judul: PUASA (Mat 9:14-15)…bdk. versi bahasa
Inggris di atas.
Di sore hari saya pergi ke rumah retret tempat
kerasulan saya yaitu David Darst Center karena ada
retret di akhir pekan ini. Kali ini para peserta
retret berasal dari
Di sore hari, saya pergi ke tempat kerasulan saya
yaitu David Darst Center, sebuah rumah retret dengan
naik bis dan kereta CTA karena akhir pekan ini ada
acara retret. Kali ini para peserta retret berasal
dari Benet Academy (SMA Katolik Santo Benedictus di
Naperville, Chicago). Ada 6 cewek yang adalah kelas
junior (setara kelas 10 atau kelas 2 SMA di Indonesia)
dan seorang ibu guru. Sore hari kami pergi menuju
sebuah rumah untuk para tuna wisma di Lakeview (rumah
penampungan untuk para tuna wisma pria, kebanyakan
adalah Afro-American). Ada satu kelompok lain yang
juga datang bersamaan di tempat ini untuk melakukan
pelayanan yaitu dari SMA Parker. Mereka melayani
dengan membagikan makan malam dan kami dari David
Darst ikut duduk bersama para homeless dan beramah
tamah bersama mereka serta menikmati makan malam,
Lasagna. Seorang guru dari Sekolah Parker ini
mendekati dan berkata pada saya bahwa ia pernah di
Indonesia 30 tahun lalu, mengajar bahasa Inggris di
IPB Bogor-Jawa Barat. Saya heran bagaimana pria ini
tahu kalau saya dari Indonesia, namun setelah saya
pikir pasti dia tahu dari jaket hitma saya yang
bertuliskan “Serikat Misionaris Xaverian Indonesia.”
Kami kembali ke rumah retret pukul 10.30 lalu berdoa
malam dengan lagu-lagu Taize dari CD.
Sabtu, 12 Februari 2004. “Karisma dari setiap
kongregasi, haruslah jelas, adalah bukan untuk anggota
mereka sendiri namun untuk seluruh Gereja” (Rembert G.
Weakland).
Pagi ini kami pergi ke sebuah SD Katolik yang adalah
milik Christian Brothers yaitu San Miguel School untuk
membantu pelajaran les untuk anak-anak di bidang
matematika dan membaca. Saya mendampingi seorang anak
cowok Afro-American kelas 5 SD dalam bidang matematika
yang mengingatkan saya akan pelajaran matematika saya
di SD dulu. Sore hari kami pergi jalan-jalan ke
Chinatown lalu makan malam di sebuah restauran hingga
jam 9 malam.
Minggu, 13 Februari 2004. “Misi adalah deskripsi karya
Allah, menggambarkah ‘apa yang Allah kerjakan dan
siapakah Allah itu,’ dan orang Kristiani terlibat
dalam misi bukan dengan melakukan karya khusus ini
atau itu atau pun pergi ke tempat ini atau tempat itu,
namun dengan terlibat ‘dalam misi dan pelayanan Yesus
yang merupakan perwujudan/kelanjutan ‘missio Dei’,
misi Allah sendiri” (Anthony Gittins).
Pagi ini kami semua pergi ke Gereja Santa Theresia
untuk mengikuti misa pukul 9.30 dipimpin oleh Pastor
Michael. Sementara hujan, kami melanjutkan acara
retret kami dengan mengunjungi ‘SU CASA’ sebuah rumah
untuk para pengungsi dari negara-negara Amerika Latin
seperti Guatemala, Mexico dan makan bersama dengan
para tuna wisma kebanyakan adalah Afro-American di
dapur umum/soup kitchen dekat SU CASA ini. Seorang
bruder dari tarekat Christian Brother yang adalah
salah satu pendiri rumah untuk para pengungsi ini
memandu kami mengenal sejarah rumah tua ini yang
merupakan bekas biara Fransiskan tempo dulu. Seorang
volunteer di soup kitchen adalah seorang frater
Maryknoll bernama James, adalah teman sekelas saya
tahun lalu di CTU yang juga tahun kedua studi teologi
di CTU dan pertengahan tahun ini akan menjalankan OTP
di Jepang. Pukul satu siang kami kembali ke rumah
retret untuk melakukan refleksi dan evaluasi serta doa
penutup untuk retret ini. Pukul 3 sore Suster Paula
mengantarku pulang ke rumah di Hyde Park. Ini adalah
retreat akhir pekan yang kedua di bulan Februari ini
dan saya akan datang lagi ke tempat kerasulan saya ini
di awal bulan Maret dan bulan Maret nanti sudah
dipenuhi dengan jadwal retret tiga minggu
berturut-turut dari berbagai macam kelompok anak muda
dari berbagai negara bagian di USA ini seperti Iowa,
Nebraska, dan Texas.
SELAMAT HARI VALENTINE saya haturkan pada Anda
sekalian, 14 Februari 2005.
=====
“Only the good and rational person
is capable of true friendship,
for reason stirs up and nourishes friendship”
(Francis DeSales)
Alexander Denny Wahyudi, sx
Xaverian Missionaries
1347 East Hyde Park Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois 60615-2924
Phone 773 643 5745 Fax 773 643 6907
Website: www.xaviermissionaries.org
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