surat ke-3 bulan Januari 2005

3) 2nd Sunday in Ordinary Time, January 16, 2005

Monday, January 10, 2004. “In humility is perfect
freedom” (Thomas Merton).

This morning, 8.30 to 11.15 I had a class at CTU for
J-Term (three weeks), Healthy Human Sexual Development
for Ministry. The faculty who teach this class there
are 6 professors such as Dawn Notwehr, OSF, Thomas
Nairn, OFM and there are 13 students. From the
Xaverians there are 4 students: Jacques, Alejandro,
Dharmawan and I. In the afternoon, Dharmawan took me
to my ministry site, David Darst Center. I had a
meeting to plan a weekend retreat with my supervisor,
Sister Paula and Gayle. Afterward, we went to LSTC
bookstore to buy a book of sexuality class.

As I called up my oldest sister in Indonesia, she told
me that my uncle (the older brother of my mother)
passed away on January 6th in the age 69 year-old. I
had a chance to envoy my condolence with calling up my
cousin, Yudi (the 3rd son of my uncle) in
Madiun-Indonesia.

Tuesday, January 11, 2004. “The remedy for
unpredictability, for the chaotic uncertainty of the
future, is contained in the faculty to make and keep
promise.” (Hannah Arendt).

In the morning I had the sexuality class at CTU then
cooked hot dog for my community. In the afternoon I
called up the supervisor of CPE program, James
Gullickson and I will have interview of this summer
program on Tuesday, January 25th at 3 p.m. at Alexian
Brothers hospital, Elk Village Grove, Illinois.

I wrote a reflection on the cultural perspective on my
sexuality class:
How has my culture shaped my experiences and
understanding of sexuality?
I was born and raised in East Java, Indonesia by a
Chinese descent family who have already lived and
adapted in local Javanese culture from a number of
generations. In my family, my parents never talked
about sex and sexuality to me because probably they
considered that this issue is only for adult people
and we will come to know about it when we are becoming
adult. It is influenced so much of our local culture
that talking about sex especially to the children is a
taboo and shameful thing. It is only appropriately
talked by adult persons and between a married-couple.
Even my parents as I remember, never gave me advice
about relationship to other gender as I grew up in
high school. I came to know about sex and sexuality
from my own searching, my self-discovery from
newspaper, books and magazines. In the age of puberty,
I was sometimes still confused and questioning about
my own mysterious libido that I found out the answer
from the wide-opened information in mass media. I felt
ashamed also when somebody talking about this issue
and I never raised the questions to competent persons.

In my own family, the greeting between our family
members never expressed by touching each other, even I
never embracing or shaking hand to my father,
grandmother and siblings after so long time we did not
meet each other. I never reflected deeply about this
case but I ever read one article that some general
culture among the Chinese descendants in Indonesia
having such a custom. This influenced my way to relate
others in school and society. Normally, I keep very
strict boundaries to other gender in the relationship.
The normal way to greet others in my own culture is
shaking hand but never embracing each other. Since I
live in the USA I have to adjust the custom and
culture of embracing and hugging each other in
friendship. When I saw this Western culture when I was
in Indonesia, I still wondered how I could adjust this
custom. But, luckily I got accustom without feeling
guilty or other strange feelings. Since in the
kindergarten and primary school, gathering with other
gender friends is a shameful way. It creates a custom
that I had to make friendship to my own gender, boys.
Most of my close friends were boys and apparently I
never had female friends in my house despite my own
shyness attitude. At primary school normally we sit
with the same gender friend and very seldom we sit
with other gender friend. Once I sit with a female
friend, I felt very uncomfortable and too cautious
keeping boundaries especially in secondary high
school.
Even though it seems that sexuality is taboo but in
the society especially in mass media such as movie,
film and advertisement, we can see daily performance
that tends to sex and vulgar relationship between man
and woman. It makes many children more curious to know
about sex and sexuality without taken care by the
parents and adult persons. The information that I got
was ranging from positive to negative teachings and
sometimes ambiguous and I did not know which one the
right according to the norm of my Catholic religion.
One major thing that probably makes me think and
reflect is self-pleasure such as masturbation. It is
struck me when I found that there are some different
approaches and arguments regard to this issue in the
traditional Catholic teaching and other modern
thinkers. Some consider it as mortal sin and others as
venial sin. Some myths about this disorder sexual
custom in Indonesia influenced also my understanding
about sexuality. I hope from this course I come to
know how to deal with this issue in a better
understanding as I prepare myself becoming a minister
in the Catholic Church.

Wednesday, January 12, 2004. “We must not give only
what we have; we must give what we are”(Cardinal
Mercia).

I attended a class of sexuality in the morning. In the
supper, there were Father Alfredo and Adolph from
Milwaukee who just had a meeting with other formators.
In my reflection on the commitment of sexuality class,
I came up with this idea:
“Exploring Commitments and My Capacity for Making and
Keeping Them”

I chose ‘FRIENDSHIP’ because this word recalls my
experience dealing with so many people in my long-life
process as of now. Starting with my friends of close
neighbors in some areas that I had been living in,
schools, working places, my formation time in the
Xaverian Missionaries, and all people whom I met
during my ministry as a religious, teacher and a
friend of them. There is one special female friend who
gave me a lot of meaning enduring what I have been
choosing as a religious. Her care of me drew me to a
certain feeling that I never had before, namely,
feeling of falling in love to a girl. It put me on a
threshold of my journey toward a
missionary-religious-priesthood and at the same time
transformed and awakened me who I am as a normal human
being. Eventually, I could say full of gratitude of
this experience. I always remember of my philosophy
professor who said, “To love and to be loved as a
human person is giving an ultimate meaning in one’s
life.” To love is not to be attached to someone, so
gradually my attached feeling to her becoming a test
to me to be an unconditioned lover, to be a lover to
many God’s people especially those who do not love me.
It is much easier to love those who love us and it is
very difficult and almost impossible to love those who
are not happy with our presence.” Another lesson of my
professor is when I fall in love, as soon as possible
I should stand up, awake and be aware of then to build
this love in positive way. From my spiritual director
I learn that to love is a commitment, not a feeling
merely. This unforgettable memory strengthens my
commitment to embrace my religious life even though in
the beginning it cost me a lot of tension and
confusion in my own personality and freedom. To be
honest to myself and to others especially my formator,
I told this love story both to my formators and my
confreres in order to let them know who I was at that
time and to ask help to endure this long-life
vocation. My strength is that I could accept this
moving experience as a positive lesson and to share
plainly to others. In addition, to treat her and other
friends as God’s people in their dignity and still
keep them in my prayer that God allowed them to come
into my life story.

It suggests me to be more aware that I am a man who
needs care, love, attention and acceptance of others
especially other gender. It makes me realized that I
am a normal man who devotes myself to God’s service in
a celibate way with all consequences such as
loneliness, lack of love and attention of others,
depression and isolated life. In my fragility as a
human being, I just surrender to God’s compassion to
keep me being faithful in my daily journey. When I
fall down into temptation, I believe it signs me that
I am a fragile human, not myself who can endure this
kind of life but merely God’s love and compassion and
also great grace. Without God, I am nothing. My
commitments to my religious life in order to
ministering God’s people are full of struggle in my
whole life that require a lot of patience, wisdom and
daily denying of myself. In my weaknesses I commit
myself to God. “If anyone desires to come after me,
let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and
follow me.” (Luke 9:23).

Some clues that I can enhance my ability to be with
others in a committed relationship in ministry are to
be honest to myself and to respect others in their
dignity as human beings and do my best to love them in
mutual and unconditional way. Full of compassion and
forgiveness to others will cure some conflicts that
may occur in the relationship. To be aware of the
ministry boundaries is a wise way to relate to others
in the ministry and at the same time not to be afraid
in dealing with them in cooperative way as teamwork.
To be authentic as I am in front of the others will
help others and myself as well to know each other
better.

Thursday, January 13, 2004. “Those who don't know how
to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh
either”(Golda Meir).

In the afternoon from 3 to 4.30, we had a community
meeting with an agenda of evaluation of our community
project of life in the spiritual dimension. As I read
my reading of the sexuality class, I found an
interesting one: “Sexuality is as much about having
friends as it is about having lovers. It is painful to
sleep alone but it is perhaps even more painful to
sleep alone when you are not sleeping alone. Thus,
while genitality should never be denigrated and seen
as something that is not spiritual or important, it
should not be asked, all by itself, to be responsible
for community, friendship, family and delight within
our lives” (Ronald Rolheiser).


Friday, January 14, 2004. “Those that lose wealth,
lose much; those that lose friends, lose more; but
those that lose spirit, lose all” (Spanish proverb).

In the morning I still had a sexuality class in which
the second session we had a sharing time in a small
group.

Saturday, January 15, 2005. “Every action of ours must
be accompanied by a reflection to orient it, to order
it, to make it coherent, so that it does not lapse
into a sterile and superficial activism” (Gustavo
Gutierrez).

In the afternoon, before and after the Mass at 5.30 at
Saint Thomas the Apostle Church at Hyde Park with the
initiative of Erna, an Indonesian lady who studies for
doctoral degree at the University of Chicago and the
cooperation of some Indonesians (Father Edi, osc and
Father Rudi, osc, Sony, svd, Francis, svd, and 4
Xaverian students: Petrus, Ignas, Dharmawan and I), we
raised fund for the Indonesian Relief Tsunami. At
night we continued our gathering at Erna’s house.

Sunday, January 16, 2005.
“Christ has no body now but yours;
no hands, no feet on earth, but yours.
Yours are the eyes
through which he looks with compassion on this world;
Yours are the feet
with which he walks to do good;
Yours are the hands
with which he blesses all the world.
Christ has no body now on earth but yours” (Saint
Teresa of Avila).

We continued to raise donation for the Indonesian
Tsunami Relief Fund at Saint Thomas Church in which we
were present in front of the main door of the church
every Masses at 8 a.m., 10 a.m., 12.15 a.m. and 5.30
p.m. At the end of this appeal we counted the fund
from many generous parishioners of Saint Thomas Church
almost as much as $ 5,000. Thank be to God and to all
of them and we will supply all of this fund to
Indonesian Catholic Group in Chicago in order to be
sent directly to some areas such as Nias Islands in
Indonesia which endure the Tsunami devastation.

3) Hari Minggu Biasa ke-2, 16 Januari 2005

Senin, 10 Januari 2004. “Dalam kerendahan hati
terdapat kemerdekaan yang sempurna” (Thomas Merton).

Pagi ini dari jam 8.30 hingga 11.15 saya mengikuti
kuliah di CTU untuk masa kuliah J-Term (January term
selama tiga minggu), yaitu matakuliah Pengembangan
Seksualitas Manusia yang sehat untuk Pelayanan. Staf
pengajar untuk kuliah ini ada 6 dosen diantaranya
adalah Dawn Notwehr, OSF, dan Thomas Nairn, OFM yang
diikuti oleh 13 mahasiswa. Kami dari Xaverian ada 4
frater: Jacques, Alejandro, Dharmawan dan saya
sendiri. Sore hari, Dharmawan mengantar saya ke tempat
kerasulan saya di David Darst Center. Saya mengikuti
pertemuan bersama dengan suprvisor kerasulan saya
yaitu Suster Paula, OSF dan Gayle. Setelah itu, kami
pergi ke toko buku LSTC untuk membeli buku untuk mata
kuliah seksualitas.

Ketika saya menelpon kakak sulung saya di Indonesia,
ia bercerita padaku bahwa paman saya (kakak dari ibu
saya) telah meninggal dunia tanggal 6 Januari lalu
dalam usianya yang ke-69 tahun. Saya sempat menelpon
saudara sepupu saya, Yudi (anak ketiga dari paman
saya) di Madiun-Indonesia menyampaikan belasungkawa
saya.

Selasa, 11 Januari 2004. “Obat untuk hal yang tidak
dapat diperkirakan sebelumnya, untuk ketidakpastian
yang kacau untuk masa mendatang, terkandung dalam
kemampuan dan menjaga janji.” (Hannah Arendt).

Pagi hari saya mengikuti seksualitas kelas di CTU lalu
sore hari masak hot dog untuk komunitas saya di sini.
Sore hari saya menelpon supervisor program Klinik
Pastoral (CPE), James Gullickson dan saya akan menemui
dia untuk interview buat program CPE musim panas 2005,
hari Selasa, 25 Januari pukul 3 sore di rumah sakit
Alxian Brothers di Elk Village Grove, Illinois.

Saya menulis sebuah refleksi atas perspektif budaya
untuk kuliah seksualitas dengan pertanyaan: Bagaimana
budayaku membentuk pengalaman-pengalamanku dan
pemahamanku akan seksualitas? (Silahkan baca renungan
ini di atas….di edisi “English”).

Rabu, 12 Januari 2004. “Kita seharusnya tidak hanya
memberikan apa yang kita punya; kita harus memberikan
apa adanya kita” (Cardinal Mercia).

Saya mengikuti kuliah seksualitas pagi hari. Dalam
makan malam bersama di komunitas, ada dua pastor SX
dari Milwaukee yang baru saja mengadakan rapat para
formator di sini, yaitu Alfredo dan Adolph. Dalam
refleksi saya atas komitmen dalam kuliah seksualitas,
saya menuliskan permenungan saya berikut ini (silahkan
baca di atas yah…..di edisi “English”- nya).

Kamis, 13 Januari 2004. “Mereka yang tidak mengetahui
bagaimana menangis dengan segenap hati, mereka tidak
tahu bagaimana tertawa dengan segenap hati pula”(Golda
Meir).

Di sore hari pukul 3 hingga 4.30, kami mengadakan
rapat komunitas dengan sebuah agenda tentang evaluasi
proyek hidup bersama dalam dimensi rohani. Saat
membaca bacaan tentang seksualitas, saya menemukan
suatu kutipan yang cukup menarik, berikut ini:
“Seksualitas adalah tentang sebanyak memiliki teman
sebagaimana memiliki kekasih. Adalah menyakitkan tidur
sendirian namun kemungkinan jauh lebih menyakitkan
lagi tidur sendirian ketika kamu tidak tidur
sendirian. Maka, sementara hal kemaluan selayaknya
tidak diingkari dan dilihat sebagai sesuatu yang bukan
rohaniah atau tidak penting, seharusnya tidak
dipertanyakan, seluruhnya oleh dirinya sendiri,
menjadi bertanggung jawab bagi komunitas,
persahabatan, keluarga dan kegembiraan dalam hidup
kita” (Ronald Rolheiser).

Jumat, 14 Januari 2004. “Mereka yang kehilangan
kesejahteraan, kehilangan banyak; mereka yang
kehilangan teman, kehilangan lebih banyak; namun
mereka yang kehilangan roh, kehilangan segala-galanya”
(peribahasa Spanyol).

Pagi hari saya masih menghadiri kuliah seksualitas di
mana dalam bagian kedua kami mengadakan sharing dalam
kelompok kecil.

Sabtu, 15 Januari 2004. “Setiap tindakan kita haruslah
disertai oleh refleksi untuk mengarahkan diri, untuk
memerintahkannya, untuk membuatnya masuk akal,
sehingga tidak berubah dalam sesuatu yang hampa dan
kegiatan yang dangkal belaka” (Gustavo Gutierrez).

Sore hari sebelum dan sesudah misa pukul 5.30 di
Gereja Santo Thomas Rasul di Hyde Park dengan
inisiatif Mbak Erna dengan kerjasama kami para
mahasiswa Indonesia (Romo Edi, osc, Romo Rudi, osc,
dua frater diakon svd: Sony dan Francis serta empat
frater Xaverian: Petrus, Ignas, Dharmawan dan saya)
kami berusaha mengusahakan dana bantuan untuk korban
bencana Tsunami di Indonesia. Malam harinya kami
berkumpul di rumah Mbak Erna.

Minggu, 16 Januari 2004.
“Kristus tidak memiliki tubuh lagi sekarang tapi
tubuhmu;
tidak memiliki tangan, tidak memiliki kaki di bumi
ini, tapi tangan dan kakimu.
Tubuhmu adalah mata di mana ia melihat dengan penuh
belas kasih di dunia ini;
Engkau adalah kaki di mana ia berjalan melakukan
hal-hal baik;
Engkau adalah tangan di mana ia memberkati dunia ini.
Kristus tidak memiliki tubuh lagi sekarang di dunia
ini namun dirimulah”
(Santa Teresa dari Avila).

Kami melanjutkan pencarian dana untuk korban Tsunami
di Indonesia di Gereja Santo Thomas di mana kami hadir
di depan pintu utama gereja ini dalam setiap misa jam
8, 10, 12.15 dan sore jam 5.30. Pada akhir acara
penggalangan dana ini kami menghitung seluruh dana
dari segenap kebaikan hati umat paroki Santo Thomas
sebesar hampir 5.000 US dollar. Kami bersyukur kepada
Allah dan seluruh umat paroki ini lalu kami akan
segera menyalurkan seluruh dana ini ke PWKI (Paguyuban
Warga Katolik Indonesia di Chicago) untuk langsung
dikirimkan ke beberapa daerah di Pulau Nias di
Indonesia yang mengalami bencana alam Tsunami ini.