2) 15th Sunday in Ordinary Time, July 10, 2005
Monday, July 04, 2005.
Today is the Independence Day of the USA, 1776 – 2005, so it has been 229 years. I woke up at in the morning at 7.30 then attended morning prayer at the hospital chapel and followed by the Mass presided by Father Stan. It’s a special celebration of the Independence Day with American flags around the altar. With the brothers I had breakfast at the cafeteria. For one and half hour I was at my room typing my Verbatim. At noon, I was invited by Brothers Victor, Ronald and John to have lunch at a Chinese restaurant at Yu Ton Dumpling House in Wesmont, about 40 minutes away from the Alexian Brothers’ house. We ate noodle and dumpling. Returning home at 2 p.m. I took a nap for one hour then I was typing my Verbatim to the end, about 7 pages. At 5 p.m. we had the evening prayer and community dinner. This time all brothers, about 13, without Brother Tom, were present. We had KFC. Sharply at 6 p.m. Ibu Imelda Palmas picked me up and we went to her house, not far from here, about 15 minutes. She lives at Des Plaines. Since a couple of weeks ago Ibu Imelda offered me this opportunity, to break for a while from my CPE program and have Indonesian taste. I’m grateful for her generosity and motherness. There were Ibu Andrea, Nita, Natasya and her parents who just came two days ago from Indonesia also joined us in the supper with Indonesian meal: "sayur asem." I got along as well with Ibu Imelda’s husband, Paulo Palmas who is from Sardegna Island in Italy. Even, he offered me special liquor, lemon cello and another one, which I don’t remember. He said that his lemon cello is much better than Father Michael Davitti made. I enjoyed this hospitality, which is once again a grace of some good friends. At 10.15 p.m. Nita and Ibu Andrea took me back at the Alexian Brotehrs’ house. Thank you Nita and Ibu Andrea for your kindness to give me a ride. As soon as arriving home, I did print out my paper both weekly reflection and Verbatim 1 for tomorrow then at 11.30 p.m. I went to bed calmly.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005.
I continue my routine schedule with woke up at 5.20 a.m. and joined the morning prayer with the brothers at 6.15 a.m. After having breakfast with them and opened my e-mail, I went to the trailer 2 for my CPE. Morning devotion was given by Sandy and morning report by Path. A quarter to nine, we started our class with debriefing then my presentation of Verbatim 1. There were two supervisors attending this session. I share my Verbatim one at the end of this journal. For one hour till noon, we watched video of Walter Brueggemann about Narrative imagination and discussed it in our class. At noon I had lunch together with Eric and Brothers Philip and Ronald. At 1.15 p.m. I entered the chapel and took communion then did visit some 17 patients at 6 West including two initial visits. It was great experience once again to meet some new patients. One that most impressed me is one 91 year-old lady who was sharing her own deep feeling to me. I would record it in my second Verbatim for next week. One 79 year-old lady who is Catholic was receiving communion from me gratefully and she asked me to look for her rosary but I couldn’t find it at her room then I gave her one white simple rosary I took from the department of spiritual care of ABMC. One 25 year-old mother who is pregnant with her third child for 6 months also received communion from me and I prayed for her beloved one as well. Beside her, there is one other young lady who is 33 year-old who just got surgery yesterday. She’s crying asking nurse’ attention. When I visited her, she accepted me kindly and I asked her why she’s crying. She replied that she was sad because of nobody takes care of her and her neighbor beside her was taken care by other nurses. So, I comforted her with my visit and gave her communion. She came to the USA with her mom and her brother when she is one-month-old. She is from Ecuador. She replied my question that she lives by herself with sort of cancer. One Mexican descendent man who was born in Chicago preferred to be silent and alone in his prayer but I visited him for the second time and I offered him communion and prayer. He received willingly and prayed for me so that I will be a good pastor and he supported me nicely. One teenager whom I visited did not know about religion or denomination that she belongs and her uncle said to me that he would ask her mother. I gave her the prayer card without praying it but I told them that please let me know if they want spiritual need well-being. One 66 Mexican man who only speaks Spanish, I gave him communion together with his wife who is faithfully taking care of him every day. He looked much better than before. One old lady that is very similar with Indonesian, Javanese perhaps, but she is from the Philippines. I prayed with her other relatives who take care of her. One lady who only speaks Spanish, I offered her communion and I have to wear gown and glove to enter to her room while there were some of her daughters visiting her. There is one lady who didn’t want my visit, saying, "I don’t want to see anyone." There is an Italian man who was with his wife. Her wife speaks English more than the husband. I gave them communion and once in a while I talked in Italian but I prayed in English. Probably, next time I have to prepare Italian prayer, at least the communion rite. After I did all visit, I was charting accordingly and put the data of the two initial visits to the computer system. I felt that today the time was very short and running pretty fast. After returning the host at the chapel, I relaxed at the cafeteria with drinking a bottle of ice tea. At 5.30 I attended the Mass led by Father Andrew, a young Polish chaplain priest then had supper with the brothers. At 7 p.m. the brothers held their community meeting at the house while I was typing my journal and my second Verbatim.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005.
As usual I woke up at 5.20 a.m. then took shower and prayed with the brothers at the chapel at 6.15 a.m. Soon after having breakfast, I went to trailer 2 to meet last night on-call chaplain, Sandy at 7 a.m. and received her pager, keys and badge for meal. At 8 a.m. Jim led us in morning devotion and there’s only one page/message on the green book that Sandy wrote. At 8.45 a.m. we had debriefing, then story theology by Dirk followed by Verbatim by Dirk as well. At noon I had lunch together with Jim, Dave and Rosemary. At 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. I had personal conference with my supervisor, Digna then she was shadowing me at my 6 West Unit to see my clinical visit and she gave me input to be a better chaplain. At 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. I had meeting with both of my supervisor, namely Digna and Jim, then Dave and Rosemary plus my classmate named Dirk. We talked about our secondary unit that I have at the 2 West, Neurology unit. Starting tomorrow, Dave is going to give me some patients to visit. After I did some visits at my unit, then I got a page for visiting a patient at ICU room 9 who need sacrament of anointing, then I paged Father Andrew and he came soon. Together with the family, I was present at this last rite given by Father Andrew. I did charting afterward at this unit for the patient who is in comma. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the evening Mass then had supper with the brothers. After the supper, I visited some patients at 6 West and East. I visited one young lady who asked me Bible and other prayers. I had nice conversation with her whom I see as a hospitable girl. I gave her communion and she has endured cancer for three years. I could see her faith and her inner spirituality as she spoke many things about her faith and encouraged me in my journey toward my ministry as a priest. She’s about 33 years old.
At 7.31 p.m. I got a page from Hospice Unit at the 5th floor then I came to visit the patient who just passed away. I prayed with the family who was mourning. I did charting for the dead patient. I took a walk and passed by ICU, CCU, Emergency Room and the chapel to return the host at the tabernacle. I met a family who were at a family room at CCU and talked to them exploring my sympathy to their anxiety because of one of their family members at the CCU. I returned to my room at the 5th floor while I heard a noise sound outside of my window that seemed a helicopter in front of the Emergency Room that I guess is carrying a patient.
I am little bit tired now after having long meeting with my class and my supervisor.
Thursday, July 07, 2005.
Last night I was doing on-call service and could sleep for five hours then afterward at 4.04 in the morning I got a page CODE BLUE that means I have to go directly to the patient’s room. This time the patient is at 404-1 then they moved him to ICU-9. He was helped to be alive by breathing machine. I was waiting for the family coming. They arrived at the hospital about 5 a.m. and I accompanied them at the waiting room. I offered spiritual need to the family but they said, "NO, thanks." I did charting and left them at 5.30 a.m. I took shower at the chaplain’s room at the hospital then did charting to Green Book for morning report. I got two voice messages that required chaplain’s visit, namely at the second and fourth floor. I did these visits directly in this morning at 6.40 a.m. One of them is a Hispanic patient who speaks Spanish and little English. I prayed in Spanish with my little prayer book and gave him communion. At 7.10 a.m. I had breakfast at the cafeteria then led morning devotion and morning report at the group. We waited for our supervisor, Digna for the class but she just fell down at the cafeteria and she has to go to the emergency room. Thanks God that it’s not so serious. At 9.30 a.m. I did clinical visit to some ten patients then at 10.30 a.m. we had class in which Annie shared her first Verbatim. After this verbatim, I uttered my own feeling and attention toward the group that has been going through these five weeks. I shared my evaluation to the group that there’s something needs to be clarified regards our relationship that seems little bit different than the first time we met. Some of us discussed accompanied by the supervisors, Digna and Jim. Even though there is no resolved problem yet, but at least there is a mutual understanding and awareness of this distracted thing. I was admired by my colleagues who spoke up regards to this issue. It’s normal for me to say something that makes me feel bad especially if there is negative feeling toward each other. I guess it’s a result of being a community man that I have been living out both in my family origin and my order, Xaverian Missionaries. Where there is enmity between my own colleagues, normally, I get easy to feel it painfully and try my best to discuss it. Thanks God that it’s happened in my own group and I have boldness to name and say it in the group. Hopefully, my initiative will not make others down instead become aware of it and do better ways.
After having lunch with Eric and Annie, I did my clinical visits at 3rd floor (two patients). Starting today I have some visits to Neurology science unit at 3 West Unit in which Deacon Dave, the chaplain of the unit shares his visits to me. Then, I did finishing my visits at my primary unit at 6 West. There were about 19 visits at my own unit including 10 initial visits. One thing that struck me today is: after I did visits to two old women at the same room then I left them, I was standing in front of the door and heard their conversation that mentioning about me. The good thing is that they talked about good things of me and they thought that I’m a Korean. This little unexpected hearing invites me not to be proud of but to continue what I have done in good ways. Probably, I have done good things to them such as nicely and gently visiting and talking to them. I was impressed by one of these old women who is Methodist denomination who asked me to hold her hand while she’s laying on her bed and asked me forgiveness and I prayed spontaneously whatever came up in my heart and mind. I just believed in the Spirit who guided me through this precious moment. She was so grateful to my presence there and she always welcomes me to my daily visit. She’s about 91 years old. The other woman at this room whom I gave communion asked me again the rosary because the one that I gave her yesterday was lost. In the afternoon, I gave her and she’s delighted. Some patients did not want my visit, so respectfully I left them alone. One of the patient together with his wife asked many questions about my identity that they admired of because I am doing my studies becoming priest at the Catholic Church. It’s also one of empowerment I have received today.
Being tired of these two days, I came back home and rested at my room and I wondered that at 5.30 p.m. I woke up as if somebody reminded me or made me awake up because at 5.30 p.m. we have Mass at the hospital chapel. Thanks God for this experience that I believe there’s a unseen spirit that makes me aware of time and what I supposed to do properly especially daily schedule. After having dinner with the brothers, we had nice conversation with my colleague who is on-call this night together with Brother Zeke. With Brothers Ronald and Jim Darby, I watched TV about news in London which endured bomb attack at the subway station and double-decker buses, exactly at 7-7-05 (7 July 2005) in the morning 8 something at the rush hour. They considered it as terrorist attack while there is G-8 meeting in Scotland.
Friday, July 08, 2005.
Woke up in the morning, I felt very sleepy and it continued until morning prayer and morning devotion. After having breakfast, the rector here, Brother Danny, offered me going to a concert of Bob Dylan at Alexian field on Sunday evening and I was saying OK, yes, I would like to join the brothers. The whole day I did clinical visits at 3 West (two patients) and 6 West (6 initial visits and 6 follow up visits or communion). There was one young Japanese man whom I visited today. He’s been living in the USA for 15 years and has four children. He said that his children speak bilingual both English and Japanese. They live in Buffalo Grove. He said that he speaks Jap-nglish, that means Japanese mixed with English, so do I speak Indo-nglish, English with Indonesian perspective or way of thinking. He never went back to his origin country in 10 years. He’s from North Japan. There were two elderly patients who shared to me that they are ready if they are called by God to eternal life as they believe. They are in 90’s year-old. One old lady, 91 year-old holding my hand asking me prayed for her so that when she knocks the door, the Lord Jesus will open for her. One 79 year-old lady who has exercised to walk when I visited her and gave her communion, she showed me a picture of her only 5 year-old grandson, who was adopted by her daughter since he’s 2 week-old from Korea. She was very happy to tell about this cute boy who wears a custom of SOX, football club in Chicago. She told me that she lives by herself in her condo and she still drives a car. She missed a lot her car and condo. At 3 p.m. after finishing all of my clinical visits, I was at the cafeteria drinking apple juice ice and eating Krisp donut, while I saw Brother Val and sit together with him then Theresia, the secretary at the Spiritual Department Care joined us as well. This afternoon I was sleepy again then I took a rest at my own room about half hour. At 5.30 p.m. I was attending the Mass then having supper with the brothers at 6 p.m. On the way to the house, I was walking and chatting with Brother Philip then I did laundry my own clothes and watching TV, tbs channel with film entitled Legally Blonde together with Brothers Ronald and Philip. At 10 p.m. I did iron my clothes and wrote this journal.
Saturday, July 09, 2005.
This morning I woke up at 6.30 and attended Mass at the chapel of the brothers’ house at 8 a.m. led by Father Stan. Brother Philip invited me to go eating out for breakfast at Einstein Bros Restaurant at Schaumburg together with Brothers Victor and Philip. We ate Panini bread, a sort of sandwich with scramble egg, bacon and vegetable. It’s heavy brunch that was treated by Brother Philip. Coming back home, I checked my e-mail and took a rest for a while. At 2 p.m. Brothers Zeke and Dan invited me to go to CTU, then I invited them to go to my community house at Hyde Park. We met and talked to Father Victor Bongiovanni for a while. I got my letter of CTU, the grade report of last semester, my paper of spirituality of the new Millennium but I didn’t see misalete of August. The result relatively is fine. I took as well I Saveriani, June Edition, the Xaverian missionaries magazine for intern. I wondered don’t see letter of General Direction to the USA province at this edition, even though they have made one instead there’s a letter to the Philippines province.
On the way home, we ate dinner at Thai restaurant on 55th street then Brother Dan treated us to watch movie at AMC 30 at Schaumburg, entitled Fantastic whose duration of 2 hours. Coming back home, I was tired and rested for a while then typed this journal.
Sunday, July 10, 2005.
I woke up in the morning at 6.15, took shower and prayed personally at the chapel. I called up my second sister in Jakarta and said that she just gave birth on last Thursday, 7-7-2005 at 11 p.m. She now has three daughters. She named her Eunike Tri Sutanti. As of now I have four nieces and two nephews in Indonesia. At 9.30 p.m. Brother Victor Lee gave me a ride to Saint Therese Church in Chinatown. I introduced him to Chinese Catholic community here and we attended Indonesian Mass at 11 a.m. presided by one Indonesian OSC priest named Antonius who just came to Chicago to study English at DePaul University. He studies doctoral philosophy in Rome, Italy. I guess he’s a professor in Parahyangan University in Bandung, Indonesia. I met Father Edi, osc as well. There were about 40 people attending this Mass which was followed by lunch as usual prepared by Ibu Imelda with menu ‘Soto Ayam.’ At 2 p.m. I returned to Alexian Brothers, about 30 miles away from Chinatown and it took only 30 minutes with smooth traffic. I could get rest for an hour then at 4.30 p.m. together with Brothers Dan and Philip, I went to Alexian Field in Schaumburg to attend a concert of Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson. It’s a baseball stadium and we were at the suite room, third floor with AC and facilitated by Alexian Foundation we have privilege of food and drink abundantly. There were about five thousand people coming to this concert. The kind of music is country, Western Country. I saw the ticket costs $ 49.50 for each. There were other Alexian Brothers as well: Val, John Kiem and Victor Lee. At 9 p.m. we came back home and I typed this journal.
I am very grateful for this week and especially this weekend in which I could relax and enjoy the weekend with eating out, hanging out with the brothers and Indonesian community plus first time attending a concert in the USA. What a wonderful opportunity and chance I have during this summer and especially this weekend. Thanks be to God for all of these and thanks for all of those who have given these great grace.
Denny Wahyudi (11 July 2005)
Weekly Reflection (WEEK V, from 05 July to 08 July 2005)
Relationship to one another in a small group is always a life process that can be strengthened or weakened depending on all members of the group. To see the requirement that at least 3 persons in the CPE program, I come to realize that this program tries to measure our balance in dealing with others both in the peer group and others in our environment at the hospital (nurses, other chaplains, supervisors, and so on) plus our learning process in applying what we study in our theology, spirituality and pastoral studies in multicultural and multi religion-context. In my own experience having CPE program with my three other classmates, I notice there is process and dynamic of ups and downs in our relationship among each other. I have been living in a community, namely religious community since 1996 that gives me sensitivity in dealing to others. If there is misunderstanding, miscommunication and even enmity between my colleagues, I would know easily. I will easily know that there is something wrong has happened between some special individuals. I will easily feel painful in my heart if I have dissension to other. It would be no peace in my heart and it is terrible feeling that I have experienced. I guess I had the similar experience when I was working in Jakarta for three years. There are some people who just could not get along with and would not talk to each other. I know some of them. I guess they had unfinished problem and they remained silent without bothering each other. It’s precisely I have experienced at my own CPE group in almost in the middle of the whole program. I felt very sad and distracted if my own classmates change their treatment toward each other that is just the opposite of the beginning they used to be. I can easily smell a rat here. There are some discussions at this group that cost resentment and enmity without apologizing and trying to understand each other in uniqueness both positive and negative. I am feeling fed up if there is a ‘stupid’ debate that arguing one’s own opinion without listening wisely to our hearts. I feel that much time was spent only on these debate that I most of the time just kept silent. What is my contribution on the group, then? Even though it seems that I have a silent attitude, but my mind and ratio are working as well, and moreover my feeling and heart are pondering what should I speak up at this group. Apparently, with my above experience, I spoke up to my supervisor and she encouraged me to have boldness to do so in the debriefing group on last Thursday. I was appreciated by my colleague for my ‘prophetic’ voice to this issue. Even though it is not resolved yet, but the important thing is that we all realize that there is something wrong and we have good will to figure out and help each other. I wonder why there is nobody talks about this issue in my group though indeed, there is something to be fixed up. We all pray and try to make this dynamic group will be better in the future, in the 6 more weeks.
My experience living together with the Alexian Brothers at this weekend especially, I spent my time together with them in togetherness such as watching TV together with Brothers Ronald (91) and Philip (77), having breakfast, eating out at Einstein Bros Restaurant - Schaumburg last Saturday with Brothers Victor, Ronald, and Philip, then going out with Brothers Dan and Zeke to CTU, my Xaverian community at Hyde Park, having dinner at Thai Restaurant and watching movie theater. As a guess, I try my best to make balance between my own personal life dealing with CPE program and the life together with the brothers whom I owe so much and gratefully I accept this wonderful grace. I appreciate to all goodness of the brothers while I am doing my best in my CPE program. All in all living together in a small community is always a challenge and a wonderful experience that can enrich each other. Where there is peace in my heart, I will easily make peace toward others as well. No wonder I dreamed a couple of weeks ago in which I embraced both of my CPE colleagues together as a sign of making peace among ourselves in this small group. "How good it is, how pleasant, where the people dwell as one…there the Lord has lavished blessings, life for evermore!" (Psalm 133).
This is my first Verbatim that I have shared to my group of CPE. I want to share it as well here:
MINISTRY REFLECTION FORMAT (VERBATIM)
I. DATA
CHAPLAIN NAME: DENNY WAHYUDI
MINISTRY REFLECTION: #1
DATE OF VISIT: June 21, 2005 DATE OF REPORT: July 04, 2005
PATIENT’S NAME (fictitious name): NAN
AGE/RACE/GENDER: 79/INDIAN/FEMALE
FAITH AFFILIATION: CATHOLIC
MARITAL STATUS: WIDOW
NURSING UNIT: 6 WEST
TIME OF VISIT: 13.40 – 14.15
NUMBER OF TIMES VISITED THIS PERSON: 5 times
LENGTH OF VISIT: 35 minutes
INDICATE WHETHER VISIT IS WITH PATIENT/FAMILY MEMBER/STAFF: a nurse
STAFF CONSULTATIONS: none
DIAGNOSIS: SEPSIS, RENAL FAILURE
II. REASON FOR PRESENTING THIS VISIT:
I present this visit because I feel that the patient has special acceptance to myself as a chaplain and she’s the first one who likes to explore more conversation in familiar and informal way. It gives me insight and good experience how to follow up and continue my care to the patient who accepts me in the beginning. This patient reminds me my own grandmother and I told her about this. She considers myself as her ‘angel’ and her ‘neighbor’ because I come from Indonesia, which is close to India, her origin. At the end of my meeting with her, she said that she doesn’t know when we will meet again but I said to her that we would meet in the spirit, in our prayer, even though probably we’ll never meet again in physical way.
III. PREPARATION FOR VISIT/PREVIOUS VISITS:
I got to know this patient from Linda who visited her in the beginning. I continued to visit her. In the beginning, she mentioned about Father Andrew, Linda and other chaplain whom she was delightful to have them. She always asked me to give greeting to them, especially Linda. Afterward, I became her friend and close friend because I always gave her communion everyday. Every time I visit her, I felt like I visited my grandmother who accepted me with her own tenderness in spite of her weaknesses and sickness. What I prepared to visit her is my heart and my mind I focused on her and ready to listen and ask some informative and supportive questions.
IV. CLINICAL OBSERVATIONS:
- Focus on physical setting: The patient was alone in her room. She always used perspiration stuffs and other things. She always watched TV, EWTN, the Catholic channel, such as Mass and rosary prayer. While I was talking to her, the TV was still on but she reduced the volume of the TV.
- Focus on the person: Often times when I visited her, she was sitting and eating her lunch. She’s a thin and small old woman with wrinkles on her hands. She looked very weak in physical body but she has strong belief and faith. She was very seldom complaining what she had to endure. From her face I could saw that she tried to stay stronger in her weakness. Sometimes she felt better than usual sometimes she felt painful. I guess she had a good acceptance toward me, as her chaplain, who visited her in daily basis, giving her communion, that she longed for.
V. THE VISIT
C = Chaplain
P = Parishioner
N = Nurse
C1: Good afternoon, Nan, how are you doing today?
P1: Fine. How are you? (The patient was watching EWTN channel, the Mass. Knowing me coming, she put the volume of the TV lower).
C2: I am good. Thank you. May I sit at this chair?
P2: Sure, take the chair and sit here, close to me.
C3: (I take the chair and put it in front of her and sit on it).
C4: Do you like your lunch?
P3: So so, I have to eat, so I eat little by little.
C5: Did your daughter or your son visit you recently?
P4: Yes, they were coming here yesterday. (Pause a moment).
C6: Do you live with your daughter?
P5: Yes, I live with her.
C7: Do you have grandchildren?
P6: I hope I have. My daughter is not married. My son lives around here also. He’s married but doesn’t have children yet.
P7: How is your program of CPE?
C8: I think I am getting busy to know many things and write paper every week.
P8: That’s good for you. Do you have many patients to visit? (She saw my list of patients at my hand).
C9: Yes, about more than 10 initial visits today. I will visit them all today.
N1: Sorry, I interrupted you, chaplain. (One nurse came interrupted our conversation. In the silence she put another needle to the arm of the patient. I let the nurse take care of the patient and pause for a while. I still remained stay at the room, paying attention to them).
P9: Thank you. (She thanked to the nurse).
C10: Do you pray the rosary I have given you?
P10: I can’t read the prayers, the letters are too small.
C11: You can just follow the TV when they pray the rosary.
P11: Yes, I have tried.
C12: When did you come the USA?
P12: In 1950’s
C13: Did you ever come back to India?
P13: No, since then.
C14: What do you like to be here in the USA?
P14: I like to be here because there is freedom and people here appreciate our uniqueness. I don’t like people here if they just talk, talk and talk but no realization. I like the culture of silent but we do our responsibility accordingly. How do you like in the USA?
C15: Wow, it’s a wonderful and great experience I ever have in my life to be here in the USA. I never imagined when I was a kid. It’s because of my vocation as one of the Xaverian Missionary students. I have privilege to study in this country. Otherwise, most likely I would never come here. Did you come to the USA with your husband?
P15: Yes, at that time, we came here together. He’s a pastor of Christian church. We ever went to the Holy Land. It’s about in 1987. Over there I got a rosary and I still keep it in my house. You should go there someday.
C16: Yes, hopefully someday I go there.
P16: How is your family in Indonesia? How many brothers and sisters do you have?
C17: They are fine. I have two older sisters and two younger brothers. I always keep in touch with them through telephone and letter. It’s relatively cheap to call them by telephone from the USA. Normally, I buy a phone card, called, Las Vegas in Chinatown Chicago. It’s just $ 9 and I can call to Jakarta for almost 6 hours or 3 and half hours to other cities in Indonesia.
P17: Really? I know one telephone company that offer cheap price. Do you want me to introduce to you?
C18: No, thanks. It’s enough for me to buy the phone card. It’s easier and I can call anywhere either at the house or public phone. Now, are you ready to receive communion?
P18: Sure, it’s always important for me to receive communion for my healing.
C19: Now, let us prepare ourselves before we receive communion. Let’s pause a moment. (The patient again reduced the volume of the TV and changed the position of her sitting. In the silence, I shut my eyes, took a deep breath. Then, I read the prayer from the prayer card). In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. PRAYER TO CHRIST THE HEALER. In the comfort of your love, I pour out to you, my savior. The memories that haunt me, the anxieties that perplex me, the fears that stifle me, the sickness that prevails upon me, and the frustration of all the pain that weaves about within me. Lord, help me to see your peace in my turmoil, your compassion in my sorrow, your forgiveness in my weakness and your love in my need. Touch me, O Lord, with your strength, especially for Nan whom you love compassionately and especially at this moment. We ask you to continue bless her with your healing power so that she may have joy and peace in body, mind and spirit. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Now, let us pardon to God for our sins and weaknesses before we receive the Body of Christ. Lord, have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy. Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us, Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world have mercy on us, Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, grant us peace. (I took the host and showed to her). This is the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world, happy are we who are called to this supper. Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed. Nan, this is the Body of Christ who gives you healing. (She received the communion on her hand and ate it solemnly). Amen. (Pause a moment). Let us pray, Merciful God, thank you for your Body of Christ that Nan has received today. May you continue to nurture her with your love and compassion so that Nan would receive your healing power in mind-body-spirit. We ask this through Christ, our Lord and savior, forever and ever. Amen. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Thank you, Nan. It’s always my privilege can meet you and serve you in giving communion. You remind me my own grandmother who was close to me.
P19: Thank you, Denny. You’re a special blessing to me. You’re my ‘angel.’ You’re my ‘neighbor.’
C20: (I puzzled, what she means with ‘angel’ and ‘neighbor.’) See you again tomorrow and have a good day. Bye bye. (With smile and polite way, I left her after I put the chair I sit on to the previous place).
P20: Bye.
VI. ANALYSIS OF YOUR MINISTRY
A. CHAPLAIN
Before the visit, I felt frustrated because some other patients whom I visited didn’t give good acceptance. During the visit this patient, I felt at home and welcomed as I experienced before. After this visit, I felt strengthened and empowered to continue my duty, visiting other patients. What I did well in my visit: my gesture to sit on a chair and to be close to the patient, offering communion after having some little conversation, pause some moment that gives us deep breath, the conversation is not only my initiative but also the patient has concern of me with asking some questions. In different ways, probably I would ask her religious experience, her understanding of God and being sick.
B. PATIENT
The patient felt happy of my visit and my concern to her especially in preparing prayer and communion in daily basis. She has special feeling to me because I come from Indonesia that is neighbor of India, her original country. Even though she felt sick and sometimes dizzy, but she always welcomed me and made our conversation flowing. The main concern of the patient is about her sickness that she didn’t want to be sick more days at the hospital. She always says that it’s good not to be sick. At the same she was very concern of her spirituality, the relation with God. She is always happy to receive the chaplain, prayer and communion. She likes to watch EWTN all the time.
C. CAREGIVER
D. FAMILY DYNAMICS/SYSTEMS
She is from India and her original culture is pretty strong in her. Her family, especially her daughter who takes care of her and lives with her is very concern of her. Her son who lives separately with his wife is also concern of her with his visit. The value of respect to the parents especially mother is very evident here. The daughter is not married but she works and takes care of her mother. It’s a common practice in Asian culture in which the parents are allowed to live together with their children at the same house. The communication we had was around family and cultural values. The concern of her children with their visits is very helpful to her healing process. In my own family system, which is Asian/ Chinese descents in Indonesia, is still pretty the same with the patient’s value. If the parent is sick, the family even extended family will gather to visit the parent. They would be responsible of the various things as much as they can give, such as economical things, visits and support. I refer it with my own experience when my grandmother was sick, stroke at a hospital. The cost of the hospital was paid by her son-in-law who could afford it. My family where she lived could not pay the bill of the medication but my sister was taking care of her. We’re responsible with our care and attention.
E. HUMAN THEMES
They are about culture, transition being in the USA, family relationship, prayer and relation with God. One primary theme is about how to be close to God in our sickness.
F. THEOLOGICAL THEMES
She has a very concern of communion and prayer. In her daily activity, she was watching EWTN that accommodate Catholic religious activity that nurtures her spiritual and religious feeling. Since her husband was a pastor in a Christian Church, so I guess her spirituality is shaped by the spirituality of her husband. She hoped to be healed as soon as possible. She missed me when she had to leave of the hospital. One primary theme is about her eagerness to receive communion and sees God in available tools such as my presence as a chaplain and EWTN.
I was amazed of her personality and her spirituality. With her kindness and availability to receive me at every visit, obviously gives me sign that she opens to otherness and in our little conversation, she was so concern of myself as a seminarian, who prepares myself to be a minister/pastor. She acted as if she was my own grandmother. In her sickness she experienced, she still had hope to a healing from her belief to Jesus Christ through prayer and communion. I believe that her well acceptance to others and to God help her to get healing in spite of her physical weakness. Her approach to me is a sort of motherness one since she was not acting as a foreigner but my own relative. Even she considered me as her ‘angel’ and her ‘neighbor.’ I try to understand these, as the theological and human theme. She felt that I have similar origin with her in culture and mentality, then I am a helper of her in her spiritual needs. So, basically, she had a strong hope of God and acceptance of others who are willing to give her sympathy. Here it’s obvious that her relationship both vertical with God and horizontal with others is made balance that helped her to gain healing process in body-mind-spirit.
G. KEY LEARNINGS
I learn of this visit: perseverance in visiting a patient in daily basis, to be patient with the patient who likes to talk, to be attentive to the patient who sometimes speaks softly and I have to try to understand in a good way, preparing my own feeling to be open whatever the patient needs me, to know what kind of themes I may have in conversation before I offer communion/spiritual need, identify my relationship to the patient with my own experience such as my own grandmother. These key learning’s connect to my own learning goals, namely, my spiritual goal is to be a good listener and involve to other’s conversation, my professional goal is to be able practicing new skills in visiting patients plus follow up visits, and my personal goal is to type my precious experience on daily journal and so far I have done faithfully in my daily activity especially writing all things I am impressed when I meet patients.
H. PASTORAL CARE
I learn and practice some basic and principal things in pastoral care such as being a good listener, try to be closer to the patient (I sit closer to the patient instead of just standing), to be attentive of the patient’s needs (to be sensitive when I can talk to her in longer time and when I have to talk shorter time), touching her hands when I said the prayer I believe as a proper way, keep some pause or silent moment in the conversation and some words such as ‘you’re like my grandmother’ I believe empowers her in my relationship and my behavior toward her, not only talking in formal things but also informal and relax or common things in order to know each other better.
I consider my role as minister is to be sacramental in the sense that I offer and give her communion and prayer, healing in the sense that I help her to get her spiritual needs to be closer to God through Jesus Christ in the Body of Christ, prophetic in the sense that she called me as ‘angel’….my angel that is always struck me and liturgical in the sense that I prepared her proper ways before receiving communion with special liturgical prayer, and shepherding in the sense that I tried my best to know her better in our conversation and familiar way as I did this in daily basis and I always remember her face in my memory.
Probably, in the future, I plan to connect her to Catholic community close to her home and also give her Catholic spirituality like prayer and other basic things because in fact she’s not really baptized Catholic but she believes in Catholic ways.
I. CHARTING
In charting I wrote: I visit the patient and had nice conversation and I offer and gave her communion. We did prayer and the patient received my visit very well. She’s very grateful to my presence.
VII. SHARING THE LOAD
O God, you know our hearts and our intentions. Please, make us understand what Nan needs this time especially in her healing process. We know that you are not separated us from our religious denomination but you always give us personal love. Bring us to closer relationship with you and your Church wherever we are. Your Son, Jesus Christ always accompanies Nan in this journey and we ask you to continue to bless her in her daily journey and nurture her in your special care. Bring us closer in the spirit, the spirit who prays for us in distant way without meeting each other again. We believe only in your spirit we meet each other. Thank you O God, we pray to you in Christ Jesus. Amen.
O God, I don’t know what I have to talk to the patient in her sickness, but you help me to speak proper word not only through my mouth but also through my deep heart, through my gesture, through my behavior. Help me to be your tool, not me O God, not me, but only you who are acting in my body. I am only your servant who does what I have to do with your wisdom and strength. We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Sunday, July 03, 2005
1st letter of July 2005
1) 14th Sunday in Ordinary Time, July 03, 2005
Monday, June 27, 2005. As my personal learning goal for the CPE program is to write my daily journal faithfully regards whatever I learn of it, so I write the story of my clinical service this first day of the fourth week of the CPE. Today I woke up freshly and started the day with morning prayer with the brothers at 6.15 a.m. and continued with breakfast. The CPE started at 8 with morning devotion and we had debriefing with Digna, our supervisor. With Digna as well we shared our story theology in which I shared mine which was about my reflection on the driver’s license. It’s a good discussion on this matter since it’s been quite long time I want to share it and it’s the good time I have gut to reflect, write and share to my colleagues as well as I put on the last week journal. In the discussion, we analyze in starting with feeling level then to theological themes, metaphor and association just like my experience in theological reflection group at CTU. We shared this for one hour and continued with another friend’s story.
After having lunch, I did visit patients at 6 West as my primary unit. This time probably I visited about 15 patients. I’d like to recall them one-by-one as I remember now. As I saw on my list there is one young lady at one room who only speaks Spanish. Since I don’t speak many words in Spanish, so I just gave her a prayer card. She is from Mexico but as I asked her what religion does she belong but she said no religion. I was doubt but next time or maybe tomorrow I will invite one nurse who speaks Spanish to translate her. Some other patients whom I visited today are elderly women. Some I have visited and gave them communion. Every time I visited an old lady, I always sit on a chair with asking permission and being close to her because sometimes they can’t hear me. Once a lady said to me, "Speak up!" I always try to speak politely, slowly and humbly to them. Often times after I said prayer for them, they were glad and grateful to me. There was one old lady in 80’s was sitting on her chair enduring her back pain and she was wearing a big cloth belt to tight her backbone. She spoke softly and was not feeling happy with the doctors because they don’t believe on her. She said to me that she is not faking on her pain but it seems that the doctors don’t want to hear her. I was being present with her and listening to what she’s saying even though sometimes I couldn’t hear and difficult to understand, but compassionately I was with her and prayed then gave her communion. I asked her about her feeling about God and how God toward her. She answered it but I still difficult to catch it. There was one young man patient whom I visited for the second time. He was very happy for my visit and asking me some questions about my identity. I offered prayer but he didn’t want then he asked me the prayer card. I gave it to him and said my best wish to him since he’s going to leave tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. There was one 84 year-old woman whom I visited for the second time. Sitting on her chair beside the bed while her cloth was not neatly worn until her left breast appeared, she was grumbling to ask a medicine for her painful but the doctor and nurse don’t give her. Until someday she came out of her room and cried to ask a pill for her painful. When I visited her, she asked me this medicine, "Would you like to give me a pill?" I replied, "I am not a doctor." I have another pill that maybe make you fell better. Since she is a Catholic so I offer her communion and she liked to receive it. I prayed before her and gave her communion. She’s very happy but after that once in a while she screamed asking pill to the nurse and doctor. There is one young patient who is diagnosed with cancer and she has to postpone her wedding that is supposed to be in July. I offered her prayer and communion and she received willingly with her mom as well. One old man who is Lutheran has been brought to the hospital because of bleeding through his penis that maybe came from hid kidney or bladder. Nicely he told me about his family, his original home in Northern Wisconsin and he has to come to his daughter’s house in Illinois to have better treatment. After I prayed with him, he looked happy and took the prayer card gratefully.
I am in charge of this unit that is called 6 West. It has about 17 rooms and each room normally has two beds. I visit all patients regardless whatever their religions. My goal here is to give spiritual care to the patients but sometimes there are few ones who deny or don’t accept my visit. I appreciate their privilege and try next time again politely. One middle age lady whom I visited was enthusiastically continued talking to me with her husband as well after I finished the prayer and asked where they are coming from originally. They answered, "From Italy, Palermo, Sicily Island." Then instead of leaving, I said, "Parlo Italiano un poco." Then I told them that I am a seminarian of the Xaverian Missionaries from Parma-Italy. Looking them accepting me to talk more, I stayed with them longer and they told me many things. They have been living in the USA since 1950’s. At least I have some experience and vocabulary to talk about Italian with them since I have been there for 10 days before I landed in the USA in 12 November 2002. Apparently, there is different treatment toward me after I told them that I have special connection to Italians. They were more welcomed to me even when I met the patient’s husband at the elevator, he greeted me. One thing that I learn today is how do I get common ground to talk with the patients or the family that make them like to share or enthusiastically accept my presence, even though I know that not my intention to be accepted by them, but at least I do my best to be with them and share qualitative chatting and time. I believe that make others feel happy is part of their healing as well. This time, I was more confident with myself to enter the patients’ room. After I did all visits, I filled out the charts and put the data mainly the initial visit to the computer. This method looks like more efficient than last week I used, namely after visit a patient, I was charting and put them on the computer. Now, I know what to do: concentrate on one thing, namely, visiting the patients after putting sign on the communion list and initial visit with marker. Concentrating on one thing, that is, engaging with patient will be more focus on the patient rather than looking for the chart and become anxious to find them out. In the beginning I was thinking about this clinical job. I asked myself: How come my time is much more spent on the filling out the chart and the computer’s data entry and not to focus on patient. Probably, in the beginning I was not accustomed to do this job so it took me a while. At least, I know which part I have to put weight on. Not the chart and data, even though they are important and I have to do it, but the most important is meeting patient and giving them my heart and full attention. After all of these done, I can do the formal things, namely, filling out the chart and computer. But, I have to write little things on my papers so that I can do charting quickly without forgetting what I have done. As matter of fact, today with this new method I applied, I felt that the time was running very fast. I am glad that I could make all the visit happened on due time.
A quarter after four in the evening, I drank hot chocolate and some food as my second lunch, to fulfill my $5 of my card. I sat down and talked to Brother Philip. He was very hospitable in talking to me. He asked me how my CPE program is going so far. I told him that what I have experienced here both doing the summer CPE unit and living with the Alexian Brothers are very wonderful experience and I offered him my weekly reflection that I will send it to him as well. He was happy to hear my good witness of this experience. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel and joined the dinner with the brothers. Together with us my colleague, Annie, who is on-call duty this night.
I want to utter my heartfelt thanks to Atumisi Pascal, Father Victor, Ibu Imelda and Ibu Cynthia Manella who have replied and commented on my last week journal. I am glad that you have read it and encouraged me to do this ministry. Thank you to all of you.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005. In the morning prayer there were some Alexian Brothers who just came yesterday from Saint Louis. They are attending a workshop at this hospital. Today the CPE program is full day of clinical visit since the supervisors and other CPE residents have seminar. At 8 a.m. Eric led us the morning devotion then Annie reported her on-call service. This morning I visited my unit and this time I had 15 patients including 10 initial visits. Before noon I was almost done all visits. I’m impressed by one 87 year-old lady who is Polish descent and American born. She is a Catholic who likes to receive communion everyday. She likes to tell story to me. It’s the second visit to her. She told me that in her age she still drives a car and has a good habit to go to gym to exercise, even aerobic. She got problem of her leg/hip and breath so she has to be calm down. Her memory is still sharp but she recognizes that she can’t remember some simple things that she recently experienced but she remembers many things of her life even her young age. Since her husband died, she lives together with her younger brother, 11 year old different and her sister-in-law. They are very kind to her. She is a sociable person who claims herself never means to others. She’s a skinny fellow but has a strong spirit to live enthusiastically. She recalled her mother who came from Poland who had the same spirit to live out this life with full of enthusiasm. She convinced that if we want to live longer, we should keep moving and active to exercise and meet people. Even this morning as she told me, her gym friend who is blind visited her at this hospital. After I gave her communion, she still talked to me asking me, "Are you married?" No, I said. She forgot that I’m a seminarian. I think I visited her for thirty minutes but the time I felt was running pretty fast. I did some ten initial visits and some of them just stayed until today and soon will discharge. One Spanish-peaking patient I visited today and I did my best to greet them in Spanish and invited them to pray from a prayer card in Spanish language. They are from Mexico. His wife was with him and prayed with me as well as I read the Spanish prayer of Mary Guadalupe.
After having lunch, I did read a book about Hope in pastoral counseling written by Andrew Lester that brought me to reflect on myself in the future. I mapped out my agenda and planning for two years ahead on my scrap paper. Some important events that I reflected upon, I brought in my mind and prayer as I type this journal. I feel that my ‘kairos’ time to live in this formation toward final vows, deaconate ordination, and so on is getting closer and closer. In his book, he says that there is continuation between the past and the future. It is healthy if we have something to gain in the future and our life now is projected and strengthened by the hopes we have in the future. I try to live here and now but sometimes when I see my future agenda, it makes me pause a moment and feel grateful to what I have experienced and look forward with full of hope, full of enthusiasm toward wonderful events I could imagine now. Sometimes if I get bored to my routine life, it’s very good method to see my future that gives me new spirit to do my daily duty. I have a dream that I build upon my past and my here and now activities. I am jealous in a good and positive sense to see an 87 year-old patient lady, who still has a strong spirit to live out her live that I mentioned above. She gave me a new insight and real example to be grateful to my young age, health and dream.
After having supper together with the brothers, I entered my room and I got a letter dated on 27 June from my rector, Father Rocco at Hyde Park, Chicago. Thank you very much Father Rocco for this letter. I opened it and I got my new health insurance card plus one letter from Indonesia. It’s from my former professor of catechetic, Pak Sriyono. He replied my letter that I gave to Ignatius at the end of May before he left for Indonesia. I was glad to read his appreciative letter that he wrote. He felt mixed feelings such as happy, proud, strengthened and empowered when received and read my letter. He tried to remember me and other Xaverian students whom he taught when we were in the novitiate and in the philosophy studies and now have been in the USA. I sent him a photo of five of us. He envoys his prayer and greeting to all Xaverian students in the USA: Ignas, Petrus, Dharmawan and Harno.
In the evening after I got e-mail address of Brother Philip, I sent him my weekly journal via Internet. I got reply e-mail from a Mexican Xaverian priest, who works in Japan. I sent him e-mail last week to know more about mission in Japan. He’s Father Ernesto. In his short e-mail, he apologized me not to write his sharing in good English because he only spent 10 months studying English in London. He suggested to me to share his experience with Spanish and I replied directly to him to have his sharing of mission in Japan in Spanish. He’s very glad to know that I have dream to go there in Japan.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005. Today some Alexian Brothers who just had meeting in Elk Grove Village left for their own community in Signal Mountain, Milwaukee and Saint Louis. I started my CPE with morning devotion at 8 a.m. led by Father Stan and followed by morning report of Dirk who had on-call service last night. In the morning I did clinical visit to the patients at 6 West. This time I had about 12 visits. I confidently used my limited Spanish to visit two Mexican patients and invited them to pray in Spanish. I offered them ‘el cuerpo de Cristo’, the body of Christ or communion and they accepted. I had prepared Spanish prayers and I just used it in this visit. They were one old man who was accompanied by his wife and one young lady who discharged today. I plan to write down some simple words in Spanish in order to be able to communicate to Hispanic patients. I learned Spanish when I was in 20’s with a Mexican sister when I was working in Jakarta. She’s Sister Anna Maria from Congregation of Misionaris Claris from the Holy Sacrament. I memorize the Catholic prayers such as Dios te Salve Maria, Padre Nuestro, Gloria, and the sign of the cross. I am able to read quite fluently other prayers before giving communion to the patients. I remembered "Lord have mercy in Spanish" that is "Senor ten piedad…Cristo ten piedad" that I learned when I attended Spanish Mass at Seminary of Wacana Bhakti in 1993 when I was working at Adorama Photo and it is near to the seminary. I was proud of myself to use my limited Spanish that I have to improve with some words for this CPE ministry. I visited a patient who would have surgery of his belly for 5 to 6 hours before noon today. He is the one whom I have visited with Deacon Dave last week. He talked a lot of things and finally I offered him spiritual needs but he answered, NO…then I pursued with offering a prayer card and he asked me two cards. I offered him this prayer together with him before he had surgery and he agreed. Even after finishing the prayer, he still talked and talked again. I tried to be patient and understand the dynamic and condition of the patient. Every patient has different and unique behavior. One old lady whom I visited for the second time today, denied me quickly. As I saw her and greeted her, she answered, "I’m O.K. Good bye." It didn’t hurt my feeling but I have a custom to be denied before, so it’s just a variation thing I have in my clinical experience. With her sickness and her old age, she can be having problem with many things. So, once again I appreciate her decision and keep her in my prayer. I am impressed by one 76 year-old patient whom I visited for the second time. He looked fresh and it was I mentioned to him and that’s true that he just took shower. It continued with long conversation, about 30 minutes. He told me many stories about his family, his service in military to land by parachute in Hokkaido Island in Northern Japan, his family reunion that is held in July 9th and it has been held annually. He’s an architect as well. He lives with his daughter around here. He has mounted belly because of urine problem and perhaps he will have surgery next time. It’s very good conversation that I think it would be one of my five verbatim. Nearly to the end of my visit today, my colleague, Eric asked me to give communion to a Mexican lady at the 5th floor. I used Spanish prayer and gave her communion. She was very grateful to accept the communion that she has missed some days at this hospital. After having lunch, we had debriefing at the class and book discussion of "Living Reminder" by Henry Nouwen. This time Eric continued his facilitation of first chapter of this book. It’s all about ministry and spirituality. At 4.30 p.m. I went to the cafeteria to have two bottles of ice tea since I have ulcers in my mouth and I feel my mouth is drying. I sit down and talked to Brother Philip at this cafeteria. We had nice chatting and I know more about the history of Alexian Brothers. At 5.30 I attended Mass led by Father Andrew at the hospital chapel and had dinner with the brothers. This time there were few brothers coming because some of them went to some events.
Thursday, June 30, 2005. Brother Valentino still led the morning prayer at 6.15 and in the morning devotion of CPE, Dirk took turn. Starting at 9 a.m. I did clinical visit at my primary unit, 6 West. There were almost 20 patients on my list that I had to visit. Since there was a volunteer lady who gave communion to Catholic patients at this floor, so it reduced my visit little bit. There were about 7 initial visits and some of them will discharge today after having surgery. I had one Muslim lady but she was sleeping when I visited her. One 87 year-old lady received my last communion today because she told me that she discharges today. I have a good time with her in my clinical visit in which she told me many things about her belief and her activities when she was young and her stay with her younger brother. She is a Polish descent. I still visited a 76 year-old man who is proud of his big family whose annual reunion. He’s a Germany descent who has experience of the World War II. Once in a while in my visit he asked, "What’s new?" and at the end of my visit he asked prayer and as usual I used the Alexian Brother’s prayer card with mentioning his name at the end for his healing in mind, body and spirit. Digna gave me one initial visit at the 4th floor but unfortunately the patient was not at the room. I had lunch at the cafeteria with Brother Victor. At 1 p.m. we had debriefing and story theology of Annie together with both of our supervisors, Digna and Jim. At the end of the class, Eric presented his first verbatim. I am grateful to him who has initiated this verbatim, so that I have an idea what I have to write and reflect upon my clinical visits. At 4 p.m. I went to the cafeteria to have two bottles of ice tea since my mouth is still dry and my ulcers in the mouth are more severe. I enjoyed my drink together with Brothers Dan and Felix who were already sitting at the cafeteria. I attended the Mass at 5.30 and dinner with the brothers and this time Eric joined us since he was on-call for tonight. On the way walking to home, I was talking to Brother Philip Kennedy who likes to tease others including me. Since he doesn’t know how to open e-mail and I have sent my weekly journal yesterday, so I showed him my blog at the Internet that consists of my weekly journal. He was glad to know my story and appreciated my plain, honest and detail story that normally common people do not do because of confidentiality issue.
Friday, July 01, 2005. Today Brother Zeke is already at the community after having vacation visit his family in New Jersey. As usual morning prayer at 6.15 then breakfast in which now I like to have yogurt and water. Since my stay at the Alexian Brotehrs I get more weight, about 5 pounds becoming 195 pounds most likely because of the food I consume. I feel that my belly is little bit mounting. I did laundry and ironing my clothes this morning because today is my day off. On Saturday morning, tomorrow till Sunday at 8 a.m. I am on-call duty, so I have a break now, which I use to type this journal and start writing my verbatim. At 11 a.m. at the hospital chapel it was held a graduation of the four CPE resident students, namely, Linda, Ken, Marty and Sandra. They have been doing this CPE for 10 months. This service lasted for an hour and continued by luncheon at the conference room. As my supervisor said that it will be the similar event that I would have next 7 weeks, exactly on Friday, August 19. I returned to my own room and had ‘siesta’ then at 4.30 p.m. I attended Holy hour or adoration at the hospital chapel continued by rosary prayer and Mass. After supper together with the brothers, I walked with a 90 year-old Alexian brother named Ronald toward the Brothers house then Brothers Eugene and Victor invited me to go to Hoffman Festival at Hoffman village. This festival is held for a couple of days in order to celebrate the 4th July, the Independence Day of the USA. Brother Eugene visited a booth of Alexian Brothers at this festival. This festival reminds me to the Xaverian festival that was held last week in Franklin, Milwaukee. We passed by Saint Alexius Medical Center at Hoffman that belongs as well to Alexian Brothers. At 8.20 p.m. we returned home and I continued to write this journal.
Saturday, June 02, 2005. This morning I woke up at 6.30, took shower than went to the trailer 2 at 7 a.m. to do my on-call duty starting at 8 a.m. today till tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. When I entered the trailer, there was Theresia, the secretary, who made photocopy of some data/census of patients. Father Bill came afterward and he gave me some sheets of paper, the list of patients whom I visit today as well as list of patients who request communion. At 8 a.m. the on-call chaplain for last night, Path, gave me three things for the 24-hour on-call service, namely, key of the chaplain’s room at the 5th floor, badge for meal and pager. As soon as I got those things, I came aboard to visit patients starting at the 6th floor and going down to the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th then 6th floors again. I counted there were about 30 patients on my list but not of them available of my visit. At the 6th floor West Unit, before I entered a room with a patient whose contagious disease that I didn’t pay attention to, a nurse directly talked to me that I should be careful to enter to this room. After I finished giving communion to other patients, I came back to this room and gave communion as well to the patient, an old man whose skin full of scars and bit bloody. I wore a yellow gown to cover my body, masker and wrap my hand with elastic-gloves. The nurse told me that I should not touch anything at the room and keep distant to the patient. I visited him shortly and strangely he told me, "Please, don’t smoke…"
I visited a young lady with her husband and as I asked her about her religion, he told me that she is a Jewish but not often to do religious things. I asked her about what religious characteristic of the Jewish people and she kindly explained me little bit. I offer some spiritual need but she said that she’s fine and I promised her a prayer. Another old man, who was saying that he’s from Florida and came here to visit his daughter, did not mention specific church or denomination but he told me that his daughter is a minister in a church in Massachusetts. He told me honestly that when he sees nature, flower and all things are beautiful. There must be the One who made them. I replied to him that his spirituality and sense of religiosity are similar with a theologian from Italy, Romano Guardini. I gave him a prayer card that he prefers I didn’t pray it for him, instead enough I gave him this prayer card. I visited one old lady who only speaks Italian. I offered her communion but she didn’t say any word and was confused. Then I let her alone. Afterward, I returned again to her room and there’s her daughter who speaks English and again I offered communion since on the list she requires communion. Then I tried to say prayer in Italian at least in the cross sign and Hail Mary prayer. Seeing me speaking prayer in Italian, she was smile at me. Her daughter was grateful for my presence and wished me good one in my vocation journey. At eleven to fifteen I concluded all of my visits today then I went to the chapel to return the host in the tabernacle. I had lunch at the cafeteria and I joined two Alexian Brothers, Valentino (80) and Eugene (74). Both of them are Italian descents who were born in the USA. I had nice chatting with them especially with Val. Brother Val works at this hospital in artistic thing and he has a studio beside the chapel.
The rest of the day I spent at the trailer alone. I read some books and wrote some reflection. With the kindness of Edy and Lisa in Chinatown Chicago, I got new phone card numbers so that I can contact my family and confreres in Indonesia. Thank you Edi and Lisa, hope next week on Sunday we meet at Saint Therese Church in Indonesian Mass. I told one of the Alexian Brothers who is originally from China to go to Indonesia Mass next Sunday and he seems agree to know more about Catholic Chinese in Chicago. He’s Brother Victor, about 58 year-old. He used to live in San Francisco and entered the Alexian Brothers in 2000. Hopefully, with him I can stop by at my house in Hyde Park, Chicago. At 4 p.m. I got a page from Emergency room then I got there directly. There was a man who died recently. I saw two polices, a woman and a man were there. The nurse told me that they were trying to find out the family of the dead man. I told the nurse, "Call me back if the family come." Then, I returned again to the trailer. I moved my stuffs at the 5th floor, a room special for on-call chaplain. I did this on-call by myself for the second time. At ten to six evening I ate hamburger and French-fries at the cafeteria together with Brothers Ronald, John Kim and Victor, who just finished their meal. After finishing my supper, I went up at the chapel to reflect my day then at 7 p.m. I entered my room at the 5th floor to type this journal. At 9.15 p.m. I got a page from Emergency Room and I came there to meet the family of the dead man. As I entered the room, one of the family members said, "Right now, No, we don’t need a chaplain." Having heard that, I said to hem if they need me just let me know then I left directly. I returned to the chaplain’s room and slept whole night without any page.
Sunday, June 03, 2005. At five a.m. I woke up and wrote morning report of my on-call service. It’s only one about one man died yesterday, which I documented on the green book. At 6 a.m. I attended Sunday Mass led by Father Bill and one Indian Salesian priest from India at the hospital chapel then I had breakfast (scramble egg, bacon, sausage, donut and hot chocolate) at the cafeteria together with Brothers Ronald, Jim Darby and Victor. I returned to the trailer 2 and waited for Ken who will take turn on-call service from me. At 8 a.m. he arrived and I gave him keys, pager and badge for meal. I returned to my own room at the Brother’s house and had rest for a while. I called up to Jakarta: Father Vitus Ruby, sx, Mas Untung then Mbak Wati, and my oldest sister in Ponorogo-Indonesia who told me that my youngest brother, Jimmy (23) in Ponorogo will engage to her girlfriend (19) from Kediri, next month, on August 6. Hopefully, if they plan to have wedding, it will be next year when I am on the vacation, June to July 2006. At 1 p.m. I took shower and wrote this journal, while I got e-mail from Dharmawan in Wayne, New Jersey then I called him up as well as my friend in New York City, Frans. I got e-mail from a newly elected Indonesian provincial of MC sister, Missionaries of Claris. She is Sister Veronika Wulandari, whom I know very well. I congratulated her via e-mail and she replied. She had been in Italy and Mexico in the past and a former of novice ‘magistra.’ I still remember in my mind when the last time I left my hometown in Madiun, she and her novices sang songs for me as their wish and prayer so that I can be faithful to my vocation. I have those pictures in which Sister Veronika plays guitar. Congratulation Sister, may God always gives you the best in your leadership accompanying your ‘hermanas.’ I got e-mail from my friend who is a young pastor of Christian Church in Jakarta. She is Vita who sent me her pictures when she had training in South Korea. I never met her but I know her through other Xaverian students in Jakarta who were doing Interreligious Dialogue ministry. From her I get to know more about ministry in the Christian Church in Indonesia. I know from her as well that a famous pastor of Christian Church in Indonesia, named Eka Dharmaputera, Phd, passed away last week. She works as a pastor in Muara Karang, North Jakarta. Thank you Vita, for your friendship and I hope we meet next year in Jakarta.
While I’m writing my journal, the brother who stays beside my room knocks my door and told makes sure that I know the time schedule today. He’s Brother Jim Darby, 84 year-old. At 3.45 p.m. together with the brothers I had evening prayer at the chapel led by Brother Zeke, followed by celebration of Independence Day of the USA, 4th July tomorrow. There were about 40 guests coming to the open house of the Alexian Brothers community. Some of them brought dessert and every brother has role to prepare this annual celebration. They invite three times people to have dinner together, namely, at labor’s day, memorial’s day and independence’s day. This time more people were coming than usual. Brother Dan cooked out BBQ. I enjoyed this celebration, meeting friends and had nice conversation. Once in a while the brothers introduced me to the guests. One guest who is former nurse in the 1950’s witnessed tremendous example of the Alexian Brothers he has gotten along with since he studied the nursing school belonged to the Alexian Brothers in Chicago. He is inspired by the spirituality of the Alexian Brothers and still volunteers himself in the department of spiritual care, visiting patients at hospice and distributing communion. He said that the Alexian Brothers have superb hospitality than other order or congregation as far as he experiences. I affirmed his statement with my own experience being part of this community for almost one month. It seems to me that I have been the special guest who can stay for enough long time, 11 weeks during my summer CPE. I don’t know with what word or thing I explore my gratitude. The rector, Brother Dan, asked me to take pictures of this event with his camera and took pictures as well with my own digital camera. After the celebration finished, all brothers worked hand in hand taking care of everything until done in which I tried to help little things. At 8.15 p.m. Brother Jim Darby invited me to see fireworks from the 4th floor of parking lot of the hospital. We went up there by ‘Lumina’ car. We saw the airplanes were coming and going to O’Hare airport while the fireworks were not that many as we expected. Probably, tomorrow night, the due day of the 4th July, the Independence Day of the USA, 1776-2005, 229 years old, the fireworks will be more. It was showering at 9.10 p.m. then we returned home and I finished this journal. Tomorrow is national day off, the Independence Day, so I don’t have CPE class but I have to finish my verbatim tomorrow.
Denny Wahyudi (05 July 2005)
Weekly Reflection (WEEK IV, from 27 June to 01 July 2005)
In the beginning of my clinical visit, I was sometimes little bit confused how to manage my time between visiting patients, charting and putting the data on the computer system. What I did at the first time is after doing visit to a patient then directly I finding the chart folder and putting the data on the computer. If I couldn’t find the chart, I got bit nervous and didn’t continue to visit other patients. I tried as much as possible to finish one patient at once with completing all responsibility. I was afraid of forgetting what I have done. I think it is part of my identifying to one’s chaplain I had been shadowing. I always remembered on one principle thing in my training: to write down and put on the computer directly after visiting a patient. Honestly, when I was doing this duty, I felt dizzy and sweat nervously.
In my earliest reflection I was pondering this: how I can relate effectively to a patient while my focus on the administration (looking for the chart, writing the data on the chart and computer) takes my anxiety and a lot of time. My impression at that time is that this method is too much formality and not paying attention on the very need of patients. I was aware of this earliest judgement since I had similar experience when I served elderly people in Jakarta as my 3-week probation days at a nursing home. I did this in my pre-novitiate year in January 1997 at "Panti Usada Mulia", Cengkareng. What I did was simply helping little things to patients’ needs such as distributing water, food and visiting them regularly without doing charting and other administrative business. To see these two different and contrast examples, I come to understand each uniqueness and situation and put them in contextual settings. I have tried my best to adjust on this formal situation at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center with doing disciplines I must have and cooperating to others such as nurses and doctors.
A couple of days I did initial method as it is recommended in the beginning by other chaplains until I get another method that makes me more relax and focus on one thing, namely visiting patients and not to spend much anxiety to do charting and entering data to computer. This method is just simply completing visits I have planned on my sheet of paper and put little note what I have done to each patient. For instance, I do all visit to patients who need communion then I continue to do initial visits and the rest of my time I visit other patients as follow up visit and eventually I do charting and computer data entry. I feel much better in doing this method and not too much anxious unsuccessfully find out charting folder. Firstly, I focus on the patients whom I visit and to be aware of my amount of time I have on that day and secondly I focus on administrative stuffs. I do not need to be anxious if at the end I couldn’t find the chart folder because I still have time to do it next day with my own notes. It has been a good learning for me how I apply my daily clinical visit to my primary area at 6 West Unit. I am still convinced on this method I have found and looking forward other insight that could be more helpful to this clinical thing.
Monday, June 27, 2005. As my personal learning goal for the CPE program is to write my daily journal faithfully regards whatever I learn of it, so I write the story of my clinical service this first day of the fourth week of the CPE. Today I woke up freshly and started the day with morning prayer with the brothers at 6.15 a.m. and continued with breakfast. The CPE started at 8 with morning devotion and we had debriefing with Digna, our supervisor. With Digna as well we shared our story theology in which I shared mine which was about my reflection on the driver’s license. It’s a good discussion on this matter since it’s been quite long time I want to share it and it’s the good time I have gut to reflect, write and share to my colleagues as well as I put on the last week journal. In the discussion, we analyze in starting with feeling level then to theological themes, metaphor and association just like my experience in theological reflection group at CTU. We shared this for one hour and continued with another friend’s story.
After having lunch, I did visit patients at 6 West as my primary unit. This time probably I visited about 15 patients. I’d like to recall them one-by-one as I remember now. As I saw on my list there is one young lady at one room who only speaks Spanish. Since I don’t speak many words in Spanish, so I just gave her a prayer card. She is from Mexico but as I asked her what religion does she belong but she said no religion. I was doubt but next time or maybe tomorrow I will invite one nurse who speaks Spanish to translate her. Some other patients whom I visited today are elderly women. Some I have visited and gave them communion. Every time I visited an old lady, I always sit on a chair with asking permission and being close to her because sometimes they can’t hear me. Once a lady said to me, "Speak up!" I always try to speak politely, slowly and humbly to them. Often times after I said prayer for them, they were glad and grateful to me. There was one old lady in 80’s was sitting on her chair enduring her back pain and she was wearing a big cloth belt to tight her backbone. She spoke softly and was not feeling happy with the doctors because they don’t believe on her. She said to me that she is not faking on her pain but it seems that the doctors don’t want to hear her. I was being present with her and listening to what she’s saying even though sometimes I couldn’t hear and difficult to understand, but compassionately I was with her and prayed then gave her communion. I asked her about her feeling about God and how God toward her. She answered it but I still difficult to catch it. There was one young man patient whom I visited for the second time. He was very happy for my visit and asking me some questions about my identity. I offered prayer but he didn’t want then he asked me the prayer card. I gave it to him and said my best wish to him since he’s going to leave tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. There was one 84 year-old woman whom I visited for the second time. Sitting on her chair beside the bed while her cloth was not neatly worn until her left breast appeared, she was grumbling to ask a medicine for her painful but the doctor and nurse don’t give her. Until someday she came out of her room and cried to ask a pill for her painful. When I visited her, she asked me this medicine, "Would you like to give me a pill?" I replied, "I am not a doctor." I have another pill that maybe make you fell better. Since she is a Catholic so I offer her communion and she liked to receive it. I prayed before her and gave her communion. She’s very happy but after that once in a while she screamed asking pill to the nurse and doctor. There is one young patient who is diagnosed with cancer and she has to postpone her wedding that is supposed to be in July. I offered her prayer and communion and she received willingly with her mom as well. One old man who is Lutheran has been brought to the hospital because of bleeding through his penis that maybe came from hid kidney or bladder. Nicely he told me about his family, his original home in Northern Wisconsin and he has to come to his daughter’s house in Illinois to have better treatment. After I prayed with him, he looked happy and took the prayer card gratefully.
I am in charge of this unit that is called 6 West. It has about 17 rooms and each room normally has two beds. I visit all patients regardless whatever their religions. My goal here is to give spiritual care to the patients but sometimes there are few ones who deny or don’t accept my visit. I appreciate their privilege and try next time again politely. One middle age lady whom I visited was enthusiastically continued talking to me with her husband as well after I finished the prayer and asked where they are coming from originally. They answered, "From Italy, Palermo, Sicily Island." Then instead of leaving, I said, "Parlo Italiano un poco." Then I told them that I am a seminarian of the Xaverian Missionaries from Parma-Italy. Looking them accepting me to talk more, I stayed with them longer and they told me many things. They have been living in the USA since 1950’s. At least I have some experience and vocabulary to talk about Italian with them since I have been there for 10 days before I landed in the USA in 12 November 2002. Apparently, there is different treatment toward me after I told them that I have special connection to Italians. They were more welcomed to me even when I met the patient’s husband at the elevator, he greeted me. One thing that I learn today is how do I get common ground to talk with the patients or the family that make them like to share or enthusiastically accept my presence, even though I know that not my intention to be accepted by them, but at least I do my best to be with them and share qualitative chatting and time. I believe that make others feel happy is part of their healing as well. This time, I was more confident with myself to enter the patients’ room. After I did all visits, I filled out the charts and put the data mainly the initial visit to the computer. This method looks like more efficient than last week I used, namely after visit a patient, I was charting and put them on the computer. Now, I know what to do: concentrate on one thing, namely, visiting the patients after putting sign on the communion list and initial visit with marker. Concentrating on one thing, that is, engaging with patient will be more focus on the patient rather than looking for the chart and become anxious to find them out. In the beginning I was thinking about this clinical job. I asked myself: How come my time is much more spent on the filling out the chart and the computer’s data entry and not to focus on patient. Probably, in the beginning I was not accustomed to do this job so it took me a while. At least, I know which part I have to put weight on. Not the chart and data, even though they are important and I have to do it, but the most important is meeting patient and giving them my heart and full attention. After all of these done, I can do the formal things, namely, filling out the chart and computer. But, I have to write little things on my papers so that I can do charting quickly without forgetting what I have done. As matter of fact, today with this new method I applied, I felt that the time was running very fast. I am glad that I could make all the visit happened on due time.
A quarter after four in the evening, I drank hot chocolate and some food as my second lunch, to fulfill my $5 of my card. I sat down and talked to Brother Philip. He was very hospitable in talking to me. He asked me how my CPE program is going so far. I told him that what I have experienced here both doing the summer CPE unit and living with the Alexian Brothers are very wonderful experience and I offered him my weekly reflection that I will send it to him as well. He was happy to hear my good witness of this experience. At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel and joined the dinner with the brothers. Together with us my colleague, Annie, who is on-call duty this night.
I want to utter my heartfelt thanks to Atumisi Pascal, Father Victor, Ibu Imelda and Ibu Cynthia Manella who have replied and commented on my last week journal. I am glad that you have read it and encouraged me to do this ministry. Thank you to all of you.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005. In the morning prayer there were some Alexian Brothers who just came yesterday from Saint Louis. They are attending a workshop at this hospital. Today the CPE program is full day of clinical visit since the supervisors and other CPE residents have seminar. At 8 a.m. Eric led us the morning devotion then Annie reported her on-call service. This morning I visited my unit and this time I had 15 patients including 10 initial visits. Before noon I was almost done all visits. I’m impressed by one 87 year-old lady who is Polish descent and American born. She is a Catholic who likes to receive communion everyday. She likes to tell story to me. It’s the second visit to her. She told me that in her age she still drives a car and has a good habit to go to gym to exercise, even aerobic. She got problem of her leg/hip and breath so she has to be calm down. Her memory is still sharp but she recognizes that she can’t remember some simple things that she recently experienced but she remembers many things of her life even her young age. Since her husband died, she lives together with her younger brother, 11 year old different and her sister-in-law. They are very kind to her. She is a sociable person who claims herself never means to others. She’s a skinny fellow but has a strong spirit to live enthusiastically. She recalled her mother who came from Poland who had the same spirit to live out this life with full of enthusiasm. She convinced that if we want to live longer, we should keep moving and active to exercise and meet people. Even this morning as she told me, her gym friend who is blind visited her at this hospital. After I gave her communion, she still talked to me asking me, "Are you married?" No, I said. She forgot that I’m a seminarian. I think I visited her for thirty minutes but the time I felt was running pretty fast. I did some ten initial visits and some of them just stayed until today and soon will discharge. One Spanish-peaking patient I visited today and I did my best to greet them in Spanish and invited them to pray from a prayer card in Spanish language. They are from Mexico. His wife was with him and prayed with me as well as I read the Spanish prayer of Mary Guadalupe.
After having lunch, I did read a book about Hope in pastoral counseling written by Andrew Lester that brought me to reflect on myself in the future. I mapped out my agenda and planning for two years ahead on my scrap paper. Some important events that I reflected upon, I brought in my mind and prayer as I type this journal. I feel that my ‘kairos’ time to live in this formation toward final vows, deaconate ordination, and so on is getting closer and closer. In his book, he says that there is continuation between the past and the future. It is healthy if we have something to gain in the future and our life now is projected and strengthened by the hopes we have in the future. I try to live here and now but sometimes when I see my future agenda, it makes me pause a moment and feel grateful to what I have experienced and look forward with full of hope, full of enthusiasm toward wonderful events I could imagine now. Sometimes if I get bored to my routine life, it’s very good method to see my future that gives me new spirit to do my daily duty. I have a dream that I build upon my past and my here and now activities. I am jealous in a good and positive sense to see an 87 year-old patient lady, who still has a strong spirit to live out her live that I mentioned above. She gave me a new insight and real example to be grateful to my young age, health and dream.
After having supper together with the brothers, I entered my room and I got a letter dated on 27 June from my rector, Father Rocco at Hyde Park, Chicago. Thank you very much Father Rocco for this letter. I opened it and I got my new health insurance card plus one letter from Indonesia. It’s from my former professor of catechetic, Pak Sriyono. He replied my letter that I gave to Ignatius at the end of May before he left for Indonesia. I was glad to read his appreciative letter that he wrote. He felt mixed feelings such as happy, proud, strengthened and empowered when received and read my letter. He tried to remember me and other Xaverian students whom he taught when we were in the novitiate and in the philosophy studies and now have been in the USA. I sent him a photo of five of us. He envoys his prayer and greeting to all Xaverian students in the USA: Ignas, Petrus, Dharmawan and Harno.
In the evening after I got e-mail address of Brother Philip, I sent him my weekly journal via Internet. I got reply e-mail from a Mexican Xaverian priest, who works in Japan. I sent him e-mail last week to know more about mission in Japan. He’s Father Ernesto. In his short e-mail, he apologized me not to write his sharing in good English because he only spent 10 months studying English in London. He suggested to me to share his experience with Spanish and I replied directly to him to have his sharing of mission in Japan in Spanish. He’s very glad to know that I have dream to go there in Japan.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005. Today some Alexian Brothers who just had meeting in Elk Grove Village left for their own community in Signal Mountain, Milwaukee and Saint Louis. I started my CPE with morning devotion at 8 a.m. led by Father Stan and followed by morning report of Dirk who had on-call service last night. In the morning I did clinical visit to the patients at 6 West. This time I had about 12 visits. I confidently used my limited Spanish to visit two Mexican patients and invited them to pray in Spanish. I offered them ‘el cuerpo de Cristo’, the body of Christ or communion and they accepted. I had prepared Spanish prayers and I just used it in this visit. They were one old man who was accompanied by his wife and one young lady who discharged today. I plan to write down some simple words in Spanish in order to be able to communicate to Hispanic patients. I learned Spanish when I was in 20’s with a Mexican sister when I was working in Jakarta. She’s Sister Anna Maria from Congregation of Misionaris Claris from the Holy Sacrament. I memorize the Catholic prayers such as Dios te Salve Maria, Padre Nuestro, Gloria, and the sign of the cross. I am able to read quite fluently other prayers before giving communion to the patients. I remembered "Lord have mercy in Spanish" that is "Senor ten piedad…Cristo ten piedad" that I learned when I attended Spanish Mass at Seminary of Wacana Bhakti in 1993 when I was working at Adorama Photo and it is near to the seminary. I was proud of myself to use my limited Spanish that I have to improve with some words for this CPE ministry. I visited a patient who would have surgery of his belly for 5 to 6 hours before noon today. He is the one whom I have visited with Deacon Dave last week. He talked a lot of things and finally I offered him spiritual needs but he answered, NO…then I pursued with offering a prayer card and he asked me two cards. I offered him this prayer together with him before he had surgery and he agreed. Even after finishing the prayer, he still talked and talked again. I tried to be patient and understand the dynamic and condition of the patient. Every patient has different and unique behavior. One old lady whom I visited for the second time today, denied me quickly. As I saw her and greeted her, she answered, "I’m O.K. Good bye." It didn’t hurt my feeling but I have a custom to be denied before, so it’s just a variation thing I have in my clinical experience. With her sickness and her old age, she can be having problem with many things. So, once again I appreciate her decision and keep her in my prayer. I am impressed by one 76 year-old patient whom I visited for the second time. He looked fresh and it was I mentioned to him and that’s true that he just took shower. It continued with long conversation, about 30 minutes. He told me many stories about his family, his service in military to land by parachute in Hokkaido Island in Northern Japan, his family reunion that is held in July 9th and it has been held annually. He’s an architect as well. He lives with his daughter around here. He has mounted belly because of urine problem and perhaps he will have surgery next time. It’s very good conversation that I think it would be one of my five verbatim. Nearly to the end of my visit today, my colleague, Eric asked me to give communion to a Mexican lady at the 5th floor. I used Spanish prayer and gave her communion. She was very grateful to accept the communion that she has missed some days at this hospital. After having lunch, we had debriefing at the class and book discussion of "Living Reminder" by Henry Nouwen. This time Eric continued his facilitation of first chapter of this book. It’s all about ministry and spirituality. At 4.30 p.m. I went to the cafeteria to have two bottles of ice tea since I have ulcers in my mouth and I feel my mouth is drying. I sit down and talked to Brother Philip at this cafeteria. We had nice chatting and I know more about the history of Alexian Brothers. At 5.30 I attended Mass led by Father Andrew at the hospital chapel and had dinner with the brothers. This time there were few brothers coming because some of them went to some events.
Thursday, June 30, 2005. Brother Valentino still led the morning prayer at 6.15 and in the morning devotion of CPE, Dirk took turn. Starting at 9 a.m. I did clinical visit at my primary unit, 6 West. There were almost 20 patients on my list that I had to visit. Since there was a volunteer lady who gave communion to Catholic patients at this floor, so it reduced my visit little bit. There were about 7 initial visits and some of them will discharge today after having surgery. I had one Muslim lady but she was sleeping when I visited her. One 87 year-old lady received my last communion today because she told me that she discharges today. I have a good time with her in my clinical visit in which she told me many things about her belief and her activities when she was young and her stay with her younger brother. She is a Polish descent. I still visited a 76 year-old man who is proud of his big family whose annual reunion. He’s a Germany descent who has experience of the World War II. Once in a while in my visit he asked, "What’s new?" and at the end of my visit he asked prayer and as usual I used the Alexian Brother’s prayer card with mentioning his name at the end for his healing in mind, body and spirit. Digna gave me one initial visit at the 4th floor but unfortunately the patient was not at the room. I had lunch at the cafeteria with Brother Victor. At 1 p.m. we had debriefing and story theology of Annie together with both of our supervisors, Digna and Jim. At the end of the class, Eric presented his first verbatim. I am grateful to him who has initiated this verbatim, so that I have an idea what I have to write and reflect upon my clinical visits. At 4 p.m. I went to the cafeteria to have two bottles of ice tea since my mouth is still dry and my ulcers in the mouth are more severe. I enjoyed my drink together with Brothers Dan and Felix who were already sitting at the cafeteria. I attended the Mass at 5.30 and dinner with the brothers and this time Eric joined us since he was on-call for tonight. On the way walking to home, I was talking to Brother Philip Kennedy who likes to tease others including me. Since he doesn’t know how to open e-mail and I have sent my weekly journal yesterday, so I showed him my blog at the Internet that consists of my weekly journal. He was glad to know my story and appreciated my plain, honest and detail story that normally common people do not do because of confidentiality issue.
Friday, July 01, 2005. Today Brother Zeke is already at the community after having vacation visit his family in New Jersey. As usual morning prayer at 6.15 then breakfast in which now I like to have yogurt and water. Since my stay at the Alexian Brotehrs I get more weight, about 5 pounds becoming 195 pounds most likely because of the food I consume. I feel that my belly is little bit mounting. I did laundry and ironing my clothes this morning because today is my day off. On Saturday morning, tomorrow till Sunday at 8 a.m. I am on-call duty, so I have a break now, which I use to type this journal and start writing my verbatim. At 11 a.m. at the hospital chapel it was held a graduation of the four CPE resident students, namely, Linda, Ken, Marty and Sandra. They have been doing this CPE for 10 months. This service lasted for an hour and continued by luncheon at the conference room. As my supervisor said that it will be the similar event that I would have next 7 weeks, exactly on Friday, August 19. I returned to my own room and had ‘siesta’ then at 4.30 p.m. I attended Holy hour or adoration at the hospital chapel continued by rosary prayer and Mass. After supper together with the brothers, I walked with a 90 year-old Alexian brother named Ronald toward the Brothers house then Brothers Eugene and Victor invited me to go to Hoffman Festival at Hoffman village. This festival is held for a couple of days in order to celebrate the 4th July, the Independence Day of the USA. Brother Eugene visited a booth of Alexian Brothers at this festival. This festival reminds me to the Xaverian festival that was held last week in Franklin, Milwaukee. We passed by Saint Alexius Medical Center at Hoffman that belongs as well to Alexian Brothers. At 8.20 p.m. we returned home and I continued to write this journal.
Saturday, June 02, 2005. This morning I woke up at 6.30, took shower than went to the trailer 2 at 7 a.m. to do my on-call duty starting at 8 a.m. today till tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. When I entered the trailer, there was Theresia, the secretary, who made photocopy of some data/census of patients. Father Bill came afterward and he gave me some sheets of paper, the list of patients whom I visit today as well as list of patients who request communion. At 8 a.m. the on-call chaplain for last night, Path, gave me three things for the 24-hour on-call service, namely, key of the chaplain’s room at the 5th floor, badge for meal and pager. As soon as I got those things, I came aboard to visit patients starting at the 6th floor and going down to the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th then 6th floors again. I counted there were about 30 patients on my list but not of them available of my visit. At the 6th floor West Unit, before I entered a room with a patient whose contagious disease that I didn’t pay attention to, a nurse directly talked to me that I should be careful to enter to this room. After I finished giving communion to other patients, I came back to this room and gave communion as well to the patient, an old man whose skin full of scars and bit bloody. I wore a yellow gown to cover my body, masker and wrap my hand with elastic-gloves. The nurse told me that I should not touch anything at the room and keep distant to the patient. I visited him shortly and strangely he told me, "Please, don’t smoke…"
I visited a young lady with her husband and as I asked her about her religion, he told me that she is a Jewish but not often to do religious things. I asked her about what religious characteristic of the Jewish people and she kindly explained me little bit. I offer some spiritual need but she said that she’s fine and I promised her a prayer. Another old man, who was saying that he’s from Florida and came here to visit his daughter, did not mention specific church or denomination but he told me that his daughter is a minister in a church in Massachusetts. He told me honestly that when he sees nature, flower and all things are beautiful. There must be the One who made them. I replied to him that his spirituality and sense of religiosity are similar with a theologian from Italy, Romano Guardini. I gave him a prayer card that he prefers I didn’t pray it for him, instead enough I gave him this prayer card. I visited one old lady who only speaks Italian. I offered her communion but she didn’t say any word and was confused. Then I let her alone. Afterward, I returned again to her room and there’s her daughter who speaks English and again I offered communion since on the list she requires communion. Then I tried to say prayer in Italian at least in the cross sign and Hail Mary prayer. Seeing me speaking prayer in Italian, she was smile at me. Her daughter was grateful for my presence and wished me good one in my vocation journey. At eleven to fifteen I concluded all of my visits today then I went to the chapel to return the host in the tabernacle. I had lunch at the cafeteria and I joined two Alexian Brothers, Valentino (80) and Eugene (74). Both of them are Italian descents who were born in the USA. I had nice chatting with them especially with Val. Brother Val works at this hospital in artistic thing and he has a studio beside the chapel.
The rest of the day I spent at the trailer alone. I read some books and wrote some reflection. With the kindness of Edy and Lisa in Chinatown Chicago, I got new phone card numbers so that I can contact my family and confreres in Indonesia. Thank you Edi and Lisa, hope next week on Sunday we meet at Saint Therese Church in Indonesian Mass. I told one of the Alexian Brothers who is originally from China to go to Indonesia Mass next Sunday and he seems agree to know more about Catholic Chinese in Chicago. He’s Brother Victor, about 58 year-old. He used to live in San Francisco and entered the Alexian Brothers in 2000. Hopefully, with him I can stop by at my house in Hyde Park, Chicago. At 4 p.m. I got a page from Emergency room then I got there directly. There was a man who died recently. I saw two polices, a woman and a man were there. The nurse told me that they were trying to find out the family of the dead man. I told the nurse, "Call me back if the family come." Then, I returned again to the trailer. I moved my stuffs at the 5th floor, a room special for on-call chaplain. I did this on-call by myself for the second time. At ten to six evening I ate hamburger and French-fries at the cafeteria together with Brothers Ronald, John Kim and Victor, who just finished their meal. After finishing my supper, I went up at the chapel to reflect my day then at 7 p.m. I entered my room at the 5th floor to type this journal. At 9.15 p.m. I got a page from Emergency Room and I came there to meet the family of the dead man. As I entered the room, one of the family members said, "Right now, No, we don’t need a chaplain." Having heard that, I said to hem if they need me just let me know then I left directly. I returned to the chaplain’s room and slept whole night without any page.
Sunday, June 03, 2005. At five a.m. I woke up and wrote morning report of my on-call service. It’s only one about one man died yesterday, which I documented on the green book. At 6 a.m. I attended Sunday Mass led by Father Bill and one Indian Salesian priest from India at the hospital chapel then I had breakfast (scramble egg, bacon, sausage, donut and hot chocolate) at the cafeteria together with Brothers Ronald, Jim Darby and Victor. I returned to the trailer 2 and waited for Ken who will take turn on-call service from me. At 8 a.m. he arrived and I gave him keys, pager and badge for meal. I returned to my own room at the Brother’s house and had rest for a while. I called up to Jakarta: Father Vitus Ruby, sx, Mas Untung then Mbak Wati, and my oldest sister in Ponorogo-Indonesia who told me that my youngest brother, Jimmy (23) in Ponorogo will engage to her girlfriend (19) from Kediri, next month, on August 6. Hopefully, if they plan to have wedding, it will be next year when I am on the vacation, June to July 2006. At 1 p.m. I took shower and wrote this journal, while I got e-mail from Dharmawan in Wayne, New Jersey then I called him up as well as my friend in New York City, Frans. I got e-mail from a newly elected Indonesian provincial of MC sister, Missionaries of Claris. She is Sister Veronika Wulandari, whom I know very well. I congratulated her via e-mail and she replied. She had been in Italy and Mexico in the past and a former of novice ‘magistra.’ I still remember in my mind when the last time I left my hometown in Madiun, she and her novices sang songs for me as their wish and prayer so that I can be faithful to my vocation. I have those pictures in which Sister Veronika plays guitar. Congratulation Sister, may God always gives you the best in your leadership accompanying your ‘hermanas.’ I got e-mail from my friend who is a young pastor of Christian Church in Jakarta. She is Vita who sent me her pictures when she had training in South Korea. I never met her but I know her through other Xaverian students in Jakarta who were doing Interreligious Dialogue ministry. From her I get to know more about ministry in the Christian Church in Indonesia. I know from her as well that a famous pastor of Christian Church in Indonesia, named Eka Dharmaputera, Phd, passed away last week. She works as a pastor in Muara Karang, North Jakarta. Thank you Vita, for your friendship and I hope we meet next year in Jakarta.
While I’m writing my journal, the brother who stays beside my room knocks my door and told makes sure that I know the time schedule today. He’s Brother Jim Darby, 84 year-old. At 3.45 p.m. together with the brothers I had evening prayer at the chapel led by Brother Zeke, followed by celebration of Independence Day of the USA, 4th July tomorrow. There were about 40 guests coming to the open house of the Alexian Brothers community. Some of them brought dessert and every brother has role to prepare this annual celebration. They invite three times people to have dinner together, namely, at labor’s day, memorial’s day and independence’s day. This time more people were coming than usual. Brother Dan cooked out BBQ. I enjoyed this celebration, meeting friends and had nice conversation. Once in a while the brothers introduced me to the guests. One guest who is former nurse in the 1950’s witnessed tremendous example of the Alexian Brothers he has gotten along with since he studied the nursing school belonged to the Alexian Brothers in Chicago. He is inspired by the spirituality of the Alexian Brothers and still volunteers himself in the department of spiritual care, visiting patients at hospice and distributing communion. He said that the Alexian Brothers have superb hospitality than other order or congregation as far as he experiences. I affirmed his statement with my own experience being part of this community for almost one month. It seems to me that I have been the special guest who can stay for enough long time, 11 weeks during my summer CPE. I don’t know with what word or thing I explore my gratitude. The rector, Brother Dan, asked me to take pictures of this event with his camera and took pictures as well with my own digital camera. After the celebration finished, all brothers worked hand in hand taking care of everything until done in which I tried to help little things. At 8.15 p.m. Brother Jim Darby invited me to see fireworks from the 4th floor of parking lot of the hospital. We went up there by ‘Lumina’ car. We saw the airplanes were coming and going to O’Hare airport while the fireworks were not that many as we expected. Probably, tomorrow night, the due day of the 4th July, the Independence Day of the USA, 1776-2005, 229 years old, the fireworks will be more. It was showering at 9.10 p.m. then we returned home and I finished this journal. Tomorrow is national day off, the Independence Day, so I don’t have CPE class but I have to finish my verbatim tomorrow.
Denny Wahyudi (05 July 2005)
Weekly Reflection (WEEK IV, from 27 June to 01 July 2005)
In the beginning of my clinical visit, I was sometimes little bit confused how to manage my time between visiting patients, charting and putting the data on the computer system. What I did at the first time is after doing visit to a patient then directly I finding the chart folder and putting the data on the computer. If I couldn’t find the chart, I got bit nervous and didn’t continue to visit other patients. I tried as much as possible to finish one patient at once with completing all responsibility. I was afraid of forgetting what I have done. I think it is part of my identifying to one’s chaplain I had been shadowing. I always remembered on one principle thing in my training: to write down and put on the computer directly after visiting a patient. Honestly, when I was doing this duty, I felt dizzy and sweat nervously.
In my earliest reflection I was pondering this: how I can relate effectively to a patient while my focus on the administration (looking for the chart, writing the data on the chart and computer) takes my anxiety and a lot of time. My impression at that time is that this method is too much formality and not paying attention on the very need of patients. I was aware of this earliest judgement since I had similar experience when I served elderly people in Jakarta as my 3-week probation days at a nursing home. I did this in my pre-novitiate year in January 1997 at "Panti Usada Mulia", Cengkareng. What I did was simply helping little things to patients’ needs such as distributing water, food and visiting them regularly without doing charting and other administrative business. To see these two different and contrast examples, I come to understand each uniqueness and situation and put them in contextual settings. I have tried my best to adjust on this formal situation at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center with doing disciplines I must have and cooperating to others such as nurses and doctors.
A couple of days I did initial method as it is recommended in the beginning by other chaplains until I get another method that makes me more relax and focus on one thing, namely visiting patients and not to spend much anxiety to do charting and entering data to computer. This method is just simply completing visits I have planned on my sheet of paper and put little note what I have done to each patient. For instance, I do all visit to patients who need communion then I continue to do initial visits and the rest of my time I visit other patients as follow up visit and eventually I do charting and computer data entry. I feel much better in doing this method and not too much anxious unsuccessfully find out charting folder. Firstly, I focus on the patients whom I visit and to be aware of my amount of time I have on that day and secondly I focus on administrative stuffs. I do not need to be anxious if at the end I couldn’t find the chart folder because I still have time to do it next day with my own notes. It has been a good learning for me how I apply my daily clinical visit to my primary area at 6 West Unit. I am still convinced on this method I have found and looking forward other insight that could be more helpful to this clinical thing.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
4th letter of June 2005
4) 13th Sunday in Ordinary Time, June 26, 2005
Monday, June 20, 2005.
This morning I was so lazy to woke up since my body was bit painful, but I had to do the routine activities as I started the third week of my CPE at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center. After having breakfast together with the brothers, I opened my e-mail and I was so glad that I got reply of a Xaverian father in Japan, named Besco Flavio, whom I sent my e-mail last week, asking of Xaverians mission in Japan. I heard of him from Alberto, a former of Xaverian student who recommended me to send him letter. In his letter, he said, "Japan is a good place to live, but not a good place to preach the Gospel." For this reason, Xaverians work at some areas such as kindergarten and parish work as he does in Izumi Sano. He gave me two home pages that are very informative about our mission in Japan. They are: www.rinku.zaq.ne.jp/tenshi and www.rinku.zaq.ne.jp/sano-katorikku
I am very impressed by the activities of the kindergarten kids on this website and dreaming that someday with God’s will I can join them to this mission land that I have thought since I entered the Xaverians in 1996. Father Besco offers his willingness to answer my further question about our mission in Japan and he recommends me another name, namely, Father Tiziano Tosolini, sx for more philosophical-theoretical approach regards this mission.
After morning devotion with other chaplains, we started our CPE class at 9 a.m. with learning goals. I presented mine with some suggestions of my supervisor, Digna and other colleagues. It’s all about learning objective in three-dimensional things, namely, personal, professional and spiritual that will be evaluated as I am going through to this CPE program in 9 more weeks ahead. Two of my classmates also presented their learning goals then we had debriefing issue until noon. After having lunch at the cafeteria, I tagged along with Dave who is in charge of 3 West Neurology Unit, in which we visited some patients and gave them communion. One of them is from Iraq who has strong belief in devotion. He tried to express how he was healed and cured by the gesture of holy cross that was made to his parts of the body in spite of his difficulty to talk after having stroke attack. The other patient whom we visited, has been already staying at this hospital since two weeks ago and he shared his grievance since the doctor doesn’t success to find the disease and it seems no improvement while he showed us his arm was bit swollen. Dave introduced me to some nurses who work at this unit. This unit with patients who suffered of stroke reminds me to my grandmother who suffered and died because of this disease at Bethesda hospital in Yogyakarta, Indonesia in 1992. I continued to visit some patients at 6 West unit, which is my primary unit. Two new patients I tried to visit did not accept my visit with their own reasons, while one patient was going to discharge and I said my farewell greeting to him. Being denied by some patients in my visit, is not joyful experience but I can understand their privacy and not to force my own agenda as the training is emphasized to me at this CPE program. "It’s all about the patient, not me."
At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel then we had supper with the brothers, in which almost all 14 brothers coming at these three tables, that usually only two tables. There was Brother Larry, the provincial of the Alexian Brothers in the USA whom I just met today and I gave him greeting then he replied and welcomed me very warmly. This evening I was sleepy and exhausted, so I just sit at my room trying to collect my energy and memory of various experiences I have today. After my energy revives and the tense nerve of my neck disappear gradually I start my journal with writing on my book and type it on my computer, as a realization of my learning goal to keep my experience on my daily journal as the personal goal. I want to appreciate to my pen pals who replied my last weekly journal. They gave me a bit hope and strength in my journey that sometimes cost me worry about my own weakness and limitation as a person in doing this intensive program. Thank you Father Victor Bongiovanni, Darlene and Pascal Atumisi, my confrere who have shared your attention to me.
As I pondered my learning experience on the class today, I was thinking about both of my colleagues who like to argue each other about their own opinion that sometimes cost them a bit of tension. I was amazed and honored their critical thinking in our class that challenge each other but on the other hand I disagree with their own ambition to win their own argument. As a person who is not from this country and the English as my second language, sometimes I miss their conversation. I guess I have to be patient with myself and being aware of this situation, always ready to accept myself as a vulnerable one compares to others who are Americans born. Since my character is tend to be quiet, my supervisor proposed to me to jump into conversation as much as I can as she suggested it for my learning goal in spiritual dimension. I am still hesitate whether I can do this in authentic way since after I review my experience, indeed my attitude toward others is just like so. It’s difficult for me to be like others who like to argue and talk a lot. In my story telling, I mentioned that I often times thinking over and over before uttering to the group and according to my supervisor it’s probably my cultural upbringing and also my own personal behavior and she encourages me to be brave to talk even though having incorrect grammar and just keep going.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005.
Today is a special day for me and for my 4 other Xaverian confreres who celebrate the 7 years of our first vows anniversary. On June 21, 1998 ago, we’re 8 Indonesian students professed our first vows in the hands of our master of novice, Father Bruno Orru, sx in Bintaro-Jakarta. Now, we remain five scattered in four different countries: Utomo in Italy, Made in Mexico, Marsel in the Philippines, Dharmawan and I in the USA. Through e-mail we remind each other our 7th year anniversary and keep in touch in our prayer with hope that all of us will be faithful to this missionary vocation in the beloved Xaverian congregation to the end of our life. We wait for fruitful result that hopefully next year some of us will profess the perpetual vows. I appreciate to Dharmawan and Marsel who have replied my e-mail and offered their best wishes and prayer for all of us both five of us who are still in the Xaverians and our ten other classmates who are continuing their vocation in different styles wherever they are.
In my CPE today, I’m impressed by a class discussion regards resolve a conflict among our colleagues. It’s interesting how our supervisor, Digna, tried to raise the yesterday issue and analyze it in our group. It cost emotional reaction to the pertaining persons but in good resolution we try to help and encourage each other in this group. We keep this secrecy in our group as our covenant. It would’ve been good if it is applied in my religious community dealing with some confreres who sometimes have different point of view and paradigm then contradicting each other. It entails skill of mediator to be peacemaker to resolve the problem.
After lunch, I visited some 9 patients at 6 West Unit in which some of them gave me good impression since they accepted my visit even though one old lady did not accept my visit. I gave communion to three patients who are willing to receive daily communion. After a couple of times doing this visit, I am becoming confident to do this routine duty. In the beginning of course I felt hesitant and anxious to face patient but afterward with my good will spiritually and intentionally and some learning trial and error, I just do this clinical visit with one spirit that I visit Jesus in my life who is suffering with their own disease mentally, physically, spiritually and other things as it’s witnessed by Father Victor Bongiovanni through his encouraging e-mail to me. Today I am satisfied with my experience visiting the patients. Even though once I have been denied by an old woman patient, but I could understand her situation that I never know what’s going on with her. I keep pray for her as she continues in this medical treatment. Once I met one lady who doesn’t speak English and I guess she is from China. What I did is just being present and gave her a prayer card. One young man who was a truck driver, about 23 year-old, I visited him with little chatting and prayer. He’s grateful and appreciative to my visit. A nurse supervisor approached me to visit a patient who is upset to nurses then I came to visit her. She accepted my visit nicely and told her experience today that made her upset, namely, the X-ray treatment. I tried to be a good listener as she told her grievance and offered her prayer. It seemed that she’s happy to receive my visit. It’s all about the patients, not about me, so I have to be ready to whatever situation can be happened to me both good and bad….I surrender to God’s plan, I am just a person who does the duty to visit, no more no less.
At the end of my visit, I returned to the hospital chapel to return the host at the tabernacle and prayed for a moment. I went to the hospital library to pick up the book I borrow, namely, Hope in Pastoral Care and Counseling by Andrew Lester. The librarian helps me find out this book and she got it from Loyola University in Chicago. It is used for book review in my CPE program. At this library, there are about five computers with access to Internet that open to public as well.
After having Mass in the evening, we had supper together with the Alexian brothers and this time the room was pecked because all 14 brothers came and there were some guests. We were separated on three round tables. Some Indian priests came to stay at this brother’s house. They are missionaries of de Sales from India who work in the USA. One of them, Father Abraham, a young priest ever served as a chaplain at this hospital some time ago. After having dinner, I asked favor to my colleagues who is on-call service today, named Annie to show me how to use the briefcase for the emergency baptism. We came to the fist floor at Post Partum Unit and saw the briefcase and she showed me how to use things inside. It’s important for me because I never have this experience to baptize a baby, especially in emergency situation. At the brothers’ house, I sit down with three elderly brothers, one of them is 90 year-old, named Brother Ronald just came back yesterday from his vacation in Indiana. One brother named Philip was teasing the oldest one with telling story to me.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005.
Today, there is a candidate, a White American man would have interview with the brothers, probably, applying to join the Alexian Brothers since I see him stayed at this house and joined the prayers.
In the CPE program, our supervisor, Digna reviewed the video we watched yesterday, about Elizabeth Kubler Ross then Eric led the discussion of ‘Living Reminder’, a book written by Henry Nouwen. We discussed about ministry and spirituality. Before noon, Jim Gullickson gave us the spiritual assessment in visiting a patient. After having lunch, soon I visited patients at 6 West. There were about 18 patients on my list and not all available to my visit. Some were sleeping, some others were not at their rooms, and some were not ready to receive my visit because of their condition. I was impressed by some couples, who take care of the husband or wife. In the moment of suffering of the pain, they witness to me their faithfulness, loyalty. I said to them, "You’re a good and faithful husband/wife." One old lady who is sick and receive communion with his husband gratefully answered me, "Yes, sometimes, he’s good" making a joke. Another husband always stays at the room of her wife who suffered of a hard disease. He said that this place is now also his place. One lady whom I visited was uttering her grievance regards the treatment of doctors who do not give her a hope but keep her stay long at this hospital. When I came, she was writing a letter and she was very glad to see me again for the second time. She said, "You’re coming on due time." She concerns a lot about financial thing. Her husband does not work and she has to work soon. Telling her story, she started to cry. As a chaplain, I tried my best to listen attentively and compassionately. I didn’t know what to say but I just remained there and offered a prayer. One old lady who suddenly saying after I said that I am a chaplain, "Of course, I’m a Lutheran. My father is Germany and my mother is Polish. Since kid, my brother and I went to Lutheran church. She knows that she could not receive communion at the Catholic Church. She spoke loudly a lot of stories of her life. Then I offered prayer from the Alexian Brothers’ prayer card. After the prayer, she was speaking again about her experience entering a Catholic Church, etc, etc… I tried to visit two old ladies but they were still sleeping so I didn’t meet them. I just put on the chart, "Attempted Visit." One Catholic lady, who has felt much better from pneumonia, did not want stay longer at this hospital. She was walking around the unit in order to reduce her stress. She likes to talk and tell story to me. I gave her communion and she received happily. One old man whom I visited was taken care by his wife. He’s a Catholic and gladly accepting my visit and told me that he’s a deacon of his Catholic Church and knows very well this hospital. One old patient lady who just arrived, I offered her a communion and asked me if I go to her Catholic Church in Schaumburg and I said, "No." I wrote what I remember from so many conversation I have today and pop up in my memory, so that on due time I have to write a verbatim, I am ready to reflect some of them and deepen them in details. I concluded my visit today at 4.10 p.m. and put the host back in the tabernacle at the hospital chapel.
After the evening Mass and supper, I walked along with Brother Victor, a 58 year-old Chinese man. In our conversation, I asked him about the cost of one day for a patient at this hospital. He replied, "About one thousand dollars a day, but it will be more if they are in special rooms like ICU, ICCU, not including medicine, etc…" Then I can understand how the patients most likely want to leave the hospital as soon as possible, not only their desolation experience but also the factor of financial. I don’t know what happen to a patient who cannot afford the cost of medical treatment here. Should they discharge of the hospital while they are sick, I don’t know.
In the evening, I just stayed at my room, preparing a morning devotion for tomorrow at the CPE program, then just relax remembering the great day today I have experienced meeting and talking to many patients and many other people.
Thursday, June 23, 2005.
I was giving morning devotion this morning that I took from the book of Anthony de Mello, "Wellsprings" and we’re only 5 chaplains because the others have evaluation of their program. This morning I visited patients at 6 West as my primary unit. There were 20 patients on my list but some of them were not available, some were not at their bed, some I gave communion. I remember one old lady about 86 year-old whom I visited for the second time and I gave her communion. With low voice she told me her story that she went to Catholic school since kid at Saint Clement in Chicago. Most of her friends and neighbors were Irish, Germany, and Polish. After telling her story, then she asked about me. "Do you marry?" then she added, "I don’t think you’re married." I replied, "I’m a seminarian and studying become a priest." She was glad to her that and she wished me the best to be a good pastor and she encouraged me that I will be a good one. This is one empowering visit that I ever have beside other patients who gave me joy to serve them. For three times I tried to visit one patient but always a member of the family always denied me without allowing me to enter the room. It’s a part of learning to be humble and accept what the patient want not pushing my own agenda. One Peruvian man who was on his bed waiting for his urine would come out, I visited him and he talked a lot about his family and his belief in the Catholic faith. Once I prayed and gave him communion, he felt peace in his heart as he said to me. After he peed his urine, then he discharged. Some patients I have tried to visit but they were sleeping or still in line with phone, so I put on the chart, "Attempted Visit." One of my colleagues asked me to give communion at his unit, the 5th floor and I was happy to response directly since he is Lutheran and can’t give Catholic communion. I have such a privilege to take communion from the chapel and give to the patients.
After lunch, we had debriefing with our supervisor, Digna. She was telling her own story in regard of our theological story that we have to make for next week and share to the class. It’s almost the same with theological reflection I have received at CTU. One issue was discussed regard the lateness of one of our classmates to come to this debriefing. I learned a lot from the supervisor, how she clarifies the problem and helped us all to see good and bad things and what we can do better for next. It’s her role to direct us to see and evaluate all we do. Sometimes if one can’t accept the input of the supervisor, she/he will be upset and defend with his/her own opinion and it takes a lot of time to argue. I hope that what they talked in our discussion can be implemented in our clinical service as chaplains.
Coming back to the house, Brother Zeke asked me, "Why I didn’t come to the breakfast with the brothers?" I replied, "I was full, so I don’t need breakfast." I happened already twice. He suggested and convinced me that even though not eating something, just drink and being together with them because since beginning I have a custom together with them in the breakfast, so they always ask about me. Knowing this experience, I will do better next time and continue to sit together with the brothers in the breakfast moment.
After attending the Mass and having supper with the brothers, I went to the trailer 2 to envoy the message of Digna to my colleague who is on call service today till tomorrow morning. Coming back to the house of the brothers, I saw Brother Jim, 84 year-old, who is very friendly to me, asked me question, "How did you know about your congregation that you are in now?" Then we shared many things and he lent me a book about cultural and religions sensitivity that was made last year by a Jew at Saint Alexius Medical Center. He was surprised to know many religions in the world. Before he only knew Catholic and some other denominations of Christians.
Friday, June 24, 2005.
This morning as usual I had prayer with the brothers at 6.15 o’clock then as Brother Zeke nicely proposed to me yesterday that it’s good to have breakfast together with the brothers in the community so I did this advice wholeheartedly. This early morning Brother Zeke goes to New Jersey visiting his family till next Thursday. In the CPE morning devotion, once again I led the prayer with the prayer of Mother Theresa of Calcutta. About one hour I spent my clinical day with visiting patient at 6 West. I gave communion to some patients then I returned to trailer 2 to have personal conference with my supervisors about one hour. Both of my supervisors, Digna and Jim, got to know me through my personal stories that I shared to them while they were asking some clarifications and suggestions. A quarter after eleven, I went up to the third floor to meet my colleague, Deacon Dave, to visit some patients who are in the neurology unit. We visited about 4 patients. One thing I learned today is about one religion that is called Willow Creek. According to Dave, it’s a sort of a modern church who accommodates suburban people who do not have a certain church. They have a beautiful building, music, technology in the worship. They can accommodate five thousand people in their church. A lot of young Catholic move to this movement as Deacon Dave said to me. One patient whom we visited is fellow of this church, so I asked Dave about it. After having lunch together with other chaplains at the cafeteria, I went to 6 West again and visited some patients. One old Indian lady whom I visited a couple of times during these two weeks, finally she discharged today. I gave her communion and said my farewell greeting to her. She is a nice lady who likes to receive my visit and she wishes me the best in my vocation and duty at this hospital.
After the morning devotion, I get a turn to be an on-call chaplain from 8 o’clock today till tomorrow morning 8 o’clock as well. I got keys of the chaplain room at the fifth floor, on-call pager and a badge for having meal at the cafeteria. It will be my first time experience being on-call by myself. Two weeks ago, I had the same experience but I was accompanied by a resident or senior chaplain. I am ready to be paged in 24 hours.
In the morning at 10.20 I got a page from hospice unit at the fifth floor. Since there was my colleague who was in charge of this unit, so I told her this call and she followed it up. The patients at this unit need a priest for anointing of the sick sacrament and sacrament of reconciliation. Hospice unit is a place for patients who endure terminal illnesses and most of them are elderly people.
At 4.40 p.m. when I returned to the brother’s house, I got a page of CCU unit at first floor. Immediately I came to this unit and rather shock I saw a dead young man with his family. His face was already yellow and I prayed surround him together with his sister and father. It’s my first experience to pray for the dead at this hospital and fortunately in the afternoon I have taken a prayer book with me from the on-call chaplain room, so I used this book, the prayer for the dead. As I uttered the prayer, my feeling was upset and my heart gradually saddened as if I was impacted by the mourning of this family who were left behind. While I said the prayer, I got another page from my colleague, Annie who would like to meet me before she leaves. She met me at the chapel in the middle of the Mass. She encouraged me on this on-call duty and she gave me her phone both home and cell, just in case I need help, I could call her up. I am grateful for her kindness and I feel being supported in this partnership. While in the Mass, I was still struck by this dead experience of the young man. My heart was still numb and my image once in a while remembering his face.
I had dinner with the brothers and had good chatting with them. They were teasing me to join their congregation but they know me very well that I have confident to follow my way in the Xaverian missionaries. They are very nice to me and always encourage me to continue my journey to the missionary priesthood as I have chosen since 1996. Often times they ask my experience how I get to know the Xaverians. They are curious about my country, Indonesia. Some of them who were joining military service, such as the U.S. Navy, like to tell their story when they served in the World War 2 in the Philippines and other islands close to Indonesia. They said that they welcome me at any time to their house. I feel more and more comfortably being together with them as I am journeying this CPE summer unit that is already in the third week.
As the orientation book of the CPE recommends, in the evening of on-call duty, I was walking around emergency unit, ICU, ICCU, Hospice and day surgery. As I walked one old man stopped me and asked me where I am coming from. Then he said many things about his experience in the military service in Himalaya, India, Korea and other Asian Pacific countries including Indonesia. He was so glad to meet me as an Indonesian. He met for the first time an Indonesian in this country, as he said to me. He said that with a ship he passed by Padang which is located in Sumatera Island when the Japanese colonized Indonesia in 1942-1945. He was excited to tell stories and meet with people just like his father who was coming from Yugoslavia. He said that he’s a Catholic and just visited his wife at this hospital and he asked me to stop by at his wife’s room then I did as he suggested.
When I was at my on-call room at the fifth floor which has access to computer plus Internet, shower and restroom, bed, phone and full AC, I got a page from hospice unit at the fifth floor at 8.50 p.m. Actually, I have seen many people surrounded this patient as I checked around this evening. For the second time today, I prayed for the dead together with other family members.
At 9.20 p.m. again I got a page from emergency room at the first floor. I met a young lady who just bore a baby but the doctor said to me that the baby would pass away soon in next few days. Before I met this lady, the doctor said to me that this lady is already calm down and still mourning. When I asked this lady what spiritual needs she wants, she replied that she is OK and doesn’t need anything else. So, I left her alone with her husband who spoke Polish.
Saturday, June 25, 2005.
After having slept about two hours, at 00.50 early in the morning the pager was beeping and it’s CODE BLUE. It means that I have to directly come to the location of the patient, that was PIR 262. I reached there immediately and saw some doctors and nurses took care of one old Peruvian patient about 77 year-old who was dying, crying, and screaming. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do in this situation as a chaplain on-call. I was stick around at this area and one nurse told me to approach the patient’s relative that was his granddaughter. I met her and talked to her in English. I had some informative answer to know about the patient. Actually he was at the fifth floor since last Monday but this early morning he got severe pain then he was brought to this kind of emergency room. The medics brought him to CCU and I continued to accompany them. While the nurses set up the new room at CCU for this patient, the granddaughter of the patient and I were waiting for at a waiting room. There were only two of us at this room at 01.30 a.m. Trying the best I could to do my role as the on-call chaplain at this moment, I was being with her and once in a while asking questions and we had small conversation until she asked me about my identity. In the middle of conversation, the nurse called us to enter the room of the patient. One of the nurses asked her to know about someone who is responsible for power attorney, to decide something that important to the patient’s life. They name it as power attorney if I am not mistaken. She called up his uncle and the doctor spoke in Spanish trying to explain this situation. The patient who speaks only Spanish was calm down and slept restfully. I asked the granddaughter what spiritual needs they wish and she said, no until now. Then, I left her alone with her grandpa and told her to take care of herself since she has to work this morning. I left them after filling out the chart of the patient at 2.15 a.m. Coming back to my room, the on-call chaplain room at the fifth floor, I tried to sleep again but I couldn’t. I have lain down on the bed and shut my eyes but my mind was still revolving around the situation I have experienced today. My awareness of time was strong in the rest of this morning, then at 5.20 a.m. I discharge of this chaplain room and went to the trailer 2, the spiritual care department. I did morning report, which I have to write down on the green book about what I have received from the page I carry on including the action and reaction I have done. Father Stan who came later at this morning told me how to do other things such as taking message from telephone mail voice and checked my morning report. After finishing all of these, I went to the cafeteria to have heavy breakfast: hot chocolate, donut, bacon, and sausage. Waiting for the next on-call chaplain of today, I was writing my personal conference report I had yesterday, then at 8.10 a.m. Beth came and reported what I have written on the green book and gave her what I have received as an on-call chaplain, namely: the key of the on-call chaplain, the band roll card for having meal at the cafeteria and the pager. At 8.10 I went home at the Brothers’ house and took care of myself with sleeping peacefully until one o’clock in the afternoon. Having fresh mind, body and spirit after resting for five hours, I took shower and writing this journal while the weather outside warm, sunshine. I did also weekly laundry as usual. In the evening I prayed with the brothers the Vesper then took out food from the cafeteria of the hospital and we ate together at the house of the brothers. In the evening I was at my room, watching DVD of the advertisement of the Alexian Brothers and two movies entitled Wild Things and Confession till almost midnight.
Sunday, June 26, 2005.
I could sleep long enough today and woke up at 7.15 a.m. At 9 a.m. I attended Sunday Mass at the hospital chapel and had breakfast at the cafeteria with the brothers. I took a walk outside of the hospital and I saw across the street there is Saint Julian Catholic Church, Elk Grove Village. I went through the street and I found Jewel Osco and other stores. I bought small book for the CPE and other little things. Returning home at 1 p.m. I had small lunch and watched DVD of Final Destination. After the evening prayer/Vesper with the brothers at 5 p.m., I followed Brothers Dan and Ted to the cafeteria to take out some food and this time I took meat load and mash potatoes and I ate it with the brothers at the house.
It’s full the third week experience of my immersion at the CPE program at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center and looking forward tomorrow my fourth week with the same hope and renewed spirit.
Denny Wahyudi (27 June 2005)
Weekly Reflection (WEEK III, from 20 June to 24 June 2005)
Having experienced the third week of the CPE summer unit, leads me to involve more to the clinical works as a chaplain at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center. My primary unit is 6 West, whose types of patients served are ages, patient groups, market, and diagnostic categories. It provides care to adult through geriatric medical-surgical patients. The specific patient groups include but are not limited to patient’s with: infectious isolation care needs, Tuberculosis, renal failure and any condition that requires general medical/surgical intervention. At this unit I know closely some patients that I visit everyday especially those who require daily communion. Every morning in daily basis as I receive 2 to 3 pages of patient list then I have to make assessment which patients I should visit especially initial visit then communion list and finally follow up visit to some patients. In the orientation, Sandy, one of the chaplains here witnessed to us what to do before visiting patients, namely, visiting the chapel, spend a qualitative time to ask God’s wisdom to do this clinical service to patients. It’s such an example I never forget and I have done so far. One important room before meeting patients is the chapel then I take hosts with me that always remind me to behave appropriately in body-mind-spirit to do this visit because I carry the body of Christ. In the beginning of my visit experience at this hospital, I felt hesitant and doubt to enter the room of patients. I am fear of doing wrong and not knowing what to speak fluently to patients. Gradually, I have confidence in my heart and attitude to be calm down and to be humble at the visit, because I am just a tool who brings message of Christ to patient. "If Christ is with me, whom shall I dare." A couple of times I am denied by patients and I try to understand their choice and privacy. But, many times I am being accepted by patients. They are very nicely accepting my presence and gratefully receiving communion. Some patients know me, even my name. Once I met a patient whom I promised to give her communion then at the same day, the husband of the patient whom I also met at my initial visit then greeted me by calling my name at the cafeteria. I am feeling appreciated and welcomed by them. I remembered what my pre-novitiate master, Nico Macina, SX ever said, "The most need of human being is being accepted by others." My philosophy professor in Indonesia, Magnis Susesno, SJ says, "To love and to be loved as human being is giving ultimate meaning in the life of human beings." Then, I reflect upon this experience particularly in my CPE program dealing with the patients. My motivation to be here is not merely to be accepted by others but I have to transform myself to transcendental level. Even Jesus Christ was rejected and killed cruelly by many who were envious to him. If I have experience to be loved and accepted by others then I know what is the meaning of this comfortable feeling and experience. If it is conditional, it will not last long. But, if it is unconditional then I put it into practice like so, I develop myself toward this unconditional one. I have one experience that made me so depressed as a person when I was working at an office in Jakarta in my 20’s. One friend of mine confronted me nastily with his bad words and talked widely to others about my fault to him. I couldn’t be angry to him. I was sorry to myself and without having braveness to approach him and ask him pardon, I put all of this difficult situation in my heart and in the process I always remembered him in my prayer especially when I attended Mass. Incredibly, one day he approached me nicely, asking what Catholic church activity he could join with me. Then, I offered him a weekend retreat that is called CHOICE. In the chaos of my life, God is always present and leading me to a beautiful meaning that I never thought before. All of these experience I carry as my treasure in my spiritual life, I try to use it in my CPE program especially dealing with many different characters. When I am rejected, I will try my best to see God’s message over there and pray fervently, remember them in my mind and heart and let the Spirit of God change what it can be changed. Not me who can change and not my intention to change others, but just to be faithful to God in surrendering everything I have experienced, then God will take care of the rest.
Here, I want to express my gratitude and prayer to an old Indian patient whom I visited and already discharged on last Friday. She has accepted me as her "angel" and her "neighbor." At the same time I believe that she remembers me in her prayers. I have a qualitative moment with her in this CPE.
Denny Wahyudi (27 June 2005)
STORY THEOLOGY
At the age of teenager (16) I was willingly able to learn how to drive a car. As I saw my father driving a car, I noticed carefully what steps should one take to drive. One day when my father was not at home, bravely I pushed his car out toward the street and drove it happily. Thanks God, I didn’t crashed anything instead I could drive it to surround of little streets. A couple of times I did similar with other cars that my father had that time. My father did not want recommend me to drive his car with his own reason that his car was not healthy. I did not surrender to his opinion. I tried my best to practice it. Unluckily, it did not continue in better ways until I graduated of high school and left for Jakarta for working. I ever asked to my father before I left my hometown to take car driver’s license but he said, "NO." After working for almost three years, and almost the time to enter the Xaverians, I spent my time to take a course of driving car in Jakarta. I did a couple of times (probably 6 times of one hour practice) and I still remember this course is ULISA. I drove three different cars and accompanied by an instructor I went to some various streets such as crowded one in Pasar Senen. It’s a moment of incredible and joyous one for me that time that eventually I could drive a car even though this driving school fee did not include driver’s license. So, I had experience to drive a car in Jakarta only with driving school without having any other experience to drive other car nor my own car since I didn’t have car.
Entering Xaverians in 1996 until graduated my philosophy/college study in 2002, it seemed that I didn’t have possibility to drive a car. Actually, there’s one possibility in the third year of philosophy study but once again I didn’t have chance. Every class of the Xaverian students have chance to drive car and normally only the formators/the Xaverian priests who choose them. I was not the chosen one, even though in my rational thinking that I was able to do it. I let both of my classmates take their willingness to be driver in our community. I felt jealous at that time but I just kept them in my heart. In my rational mind, I had been living in Jakarta since 1993, much longer than both of my friends, my father and mother are drivers, I had a driving car course before entering the Xaverians, and I know many streets in Jakarta….but why I was not chosen to be a driver. It’s my grievance at that time. After both of my classmates became driver, one day my rector asked me I don’t know if he’s serious or just joking, whether I also want to take driver’s license…spontaneously I said, "NO" because there were already two drivers. Patiently, I tried to perceive all of these in my heart and reflection.
Coming to the USA in November 2002, I saw my older confrere of Indonesia has been driving a car since his first year. I was confidently this time that I would not loose again my chance to drive a car. Seeing both of my classmates from Mexico had been practicing drive a car, I was patiently waiting for my turn. But, unfortunately my turn did not come until I graduated my English study in August 2003. I saw both of my Mexican confreres have been driving a car and they were always to be my driver going back and forth to school everyday. I just kept all my ‘negative’ feeling in my heart and saw it as my destiny in the beginning of my experience in my family. I was so jealous and disappointed to see this experience moreover to see my friend from Indonesia who is studying theology in San Antonio with CICM congregation who told me about his driving course after he lived one month in the USA. One of the Xaverian priests in Milwaukee and the only one who asked me personally, why I don’t take driver license, made me more thinking miserably to myself. I tried to see in clear perspective and just let it go.
Coming to Chicago, I have bad experience twice with "car tragedy." One is when I was invited by my older confrere to go to downtown by a car. He drove and got accident in the middle of traffic light in downtown. It happened in December 2002 and impacted me since now that I would not drive a car in Chicago. The second one is when the first time I came to Chicago and my older confrere invited me to visit one Indonesian priest, then on the way to the parking lot, we saw the van we had was towed. This two events plus my reason that Chicago has enough and affordable public transportations to reach other places, I decided not to take driver’s license. If I reflect on these chronological stories, I come to understand that I have such an attitude to keep bad experience in my heart and bear it with rationalization so that others can accept it.
In my experience riding motorcycle in Jakarta especially in the scholastic level, I saw myself trying to avoid riding motorcycle after seeing many of my confreres have willingness to ride it. I choose my transportation to go to many places in Jakarta with bicycle until one day I have an unforgettable and miserable experience loosing my beloved bicycle in Taman Anggrek Mall. I declared myself to be a bicycle man. Actually, I have been riding bicycle since I was working in Jakarta, before entering the Xaverians. Many people know that I like to go many far distances in Jakarta by my portable/folded bicycle.
Every time I reflect upon these experiences and see also that my younger brothers in Indonesia, even my oldest sister have been driving a car and my father bought for my brothers cars, I feel I just don’t have a good deal or chance to be like them. But, I am still grateful for many things I am privileged to have until now that many others don’t have such as traveling to other cities in the USA by airplane, going to vacation in Florida this summer 2005, having experience traveling to Los Angeles while I was doing pastoral work in Philadelphia in 2004 and finally living together with the Alexian Brothers in the CPE summer unit and still many other things I am aware that not others have, I just be calm down and step back to know myself better. Thanks God for all of these. I am thinking that my turn to drive a car is not coming yet and maybe someday I would be having this chance, maybe in my mission when I become a priest, in Japan, perhaps.
Is this part of my attitude being a "conformist" as the psychologist lady told me when I was in the Xaverian formation in Jakarta?
Monday, June 20, 2005.
This morning I was so lazy to woke up since my body was bit painful, but I had to do the routine activities as I started the third week of my CPE at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center. After having breakfast together with the brothers, I opened my e-mail and I was so glad that I got reply of a Xaverian father in Japan, named Besco Flavio, whom I sent my e-mail last week, asking of Xaverians mission in Japan. I heard of him from Alberto, a former of Xaverian student who recommended me to send him letter. In his letter, he said, "Japan is a good place to live, but not a good place to preach the Gospel." For this reason, Xaverians work at some areas such as kindergarten and parish work as he does in Izumi Sano. He gave me two home pages that are very informative about our mission in Japan. They are: www.rinku.zaq.ne.jp/tenshi and www.rinku.zaq.ne.jp/sano-katorikku
I am very impressed by the activities of the kindergarten kids on this website and dreaming that someday with God’s will I can join them to this mission land that I have thought since I entered the Xaverians in 1996. Father Besco offers his willingness to answer my further question about our mission in Japan and he recommends me another name, namely, Father Tiziano Tosolini, sx for more philosophical-theoretical approach regards this mission.
After morning devotion with other chaplains, we started our CPE class at 9 a.m. with learning goals. I presented mine with some suggestions of my supervisor, Digna and other colleagues. It’s all about learning objective in three-dimensional things, namely, personal, professional and spiritual that will be evaluated as I am going through to this CPE program in 9 more weeks ahead. Two of my classmates also presented their learning goals then we had debriefing issue until noon. After having lunch at the cafeteria, I tagged along with Dave who is in charge of 3 West Neurology Unit, in which we visited some patients and gave them communion. One of them is from Iraq who has strong belief in devotion. He tried to express how he was healed and cured by the gesture of holy cross that was made to his parts of the body in spite of his difficulty to talk after having stroke attack. The other patient whom we visited, has been already staying at this hospital since two weeks ago and he shared his grievance since the doctor doesn’t success to find the disease and it seems no improvement while he showed us his arm was bit swollen. Dave introduced me to some nurses who work at this unit. This unit with patients who suffered of stroke reminds me to my grandmother who suffered and died because of this disease at Bethesda hospital in Yogyakarta, Indonesia in 1992. I continued to visit some patients at 6 West unit, which is my primary unit. Two new patients I tried to visit did not accept my visit with their own reasons, while one patient was going to discharge and I said my farewell greeting to him. Being denied by some patients in my visit, is not joyful experience but I can understand their privacy and not to force my own agenda as the training is emphasized to me at this CPE program. "It’s all about the patient, not me."
At 5.30 p.m. I attended the Mass at the hospital chapel then we had supper with the brothers, in which almost all 14 brothers coming at these three tables, that usually only two tables. There was Brother Larry, the provincial of the Alexian Brothers in the USA whom I just met today and I gave him greeting then he replied and welcomed me very warmly. This evening I was sleepy and exhausted, so I just sit at my room trying to collect my energy and memory of various experiences I have today. After my energy revives and the tense nerve of my neck disappear gradually I start my journal with writing on my book and type it on my computer, as a realization of my learning goal to keep my experience on my daily journal as the personal goal. I want to appreciate to my pen pals who replied my last weekly journal. They gave me a bit hope and strength in my journey that sometimes cost me worry about my own weakness and limitation as a person in doing this intensive program. Thank you Father Victor Bongiovanni, Darlene and Pascal Atumisi, my confrere who have shared your attention to me.
As I pondered my learning experience on the class today, I was thinking about both of my colleagues who like to argue each other about their own opinion that sometimes cost them a bit of tension. I was amazed and honored their critical thinking in our class that challenge each other but on the other hand I disagree with their own ambition to win their own argument. As a person who is not from this country and the English as my second language, sometimes I miss their conversation. I guess I have to be patient with myself and being aware of this situation, always ready to accept myself as a vulnerable one compares to others who are Americans born. Since my character is tend to be quiet, my supervisor proposed to me to jump into conversation as much as I can as she suggested it for my learning goal in spiritual dimension. I am still hesitate whether I can do this in authentic way since after I review my experience, indeed my attitude toward others is just like so. It’s difficult for me to be like others who like to argue and talk a lot. In my story telling, I mentioned that I often times thinking over and over before uttering to the group and according to my supervisor it’s probably my cultural upbringing and also my own personal behavior and she encourages me to be brave to talk even though having incorrect grammar and just keep going.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005.
Today is a special day for me and for my 4 other Xaverian confreres who celebrate the 7 years of our first vows anniversary. On June 21, 1998 ago, we’re 8 Indonesian students professed our first vows in the hands of our master of novice, Father Bruno Orru, sx in Bintaro-Jakarta. Now, we remain five scattered in four different countries: Utomo in Italy, Made in Mexico, Marsel in the Philippines, Dharmawan and I in the USA. Through e-mail we remind each other our 7th year anniversary and keep in touch in our prayer with hope that all of us will be faithful to this missionary vocation in the beloved Xaverian congregation to the end of our life. We wait for fruitful result that hopefully next year some of us will profess the perpetual vows. I appreciate to Dharmawan and Marsel who have replied my e-mail and offered their best wishes and prayer for all of us both five of us who are still in the Xaverians and our ten other classmates who are continuing their vocation in different styles wherever they are.
In my CPE today, I’m impressed by a class discussion regards resolve a conflict among our colleagues. It’s interesting how our supervisor, Digna, tried to raise the yesterday issue and analyze it in our group. It cost emotional reaction to the pertaining persons but in good resolution we try to help and encourage each other in this group. We keep this secrecy in our group as our covenant. It would’ve been good if it is applied in my religious community dealing with some confreres who sometimes have different point of view and paradigm then contradicting each other. It entails skill of mediator to be peacemaker to resolve the problem.
After lunch, I visited some 9 patients at 6 West Unit in which some of them gave me good impression since they accepted my visit even though one old lady did not accept my visit. I gave communion to three patients who are willing to receive daily communion. After a couple of times doing this visit, I am becoming confident to do this routine duty. In the beginning of course I felt hesitant and anxious to face patient but afterward with my good will spiritually and intentionally and some learning trial and error, I just do this clinical visit with one spirit that I visit Jesus in my life who is suffering with their own disease mentally, physically, spiritually and other things as it’s witnessed by Father Victor Bongiovanni through his encouraging e-mail to me. Today I am satisfied with my experience visiting the patients. Even though once I have been denied by an old woman patient, but I could understand her situation that I never know what’s going on with her. I keep pray for her as she continues in this medical treatment. Once I met one lady who doesn’t speak English and I guess she is from China. What I did is just being present and gave her a prayer card. One young man who was a truck driver, about 23 year-old, I visited him with little chatting and prayer. He’s grateful and appreciative to my visit. A nurse supervisor approached me to visit a patient who is upset to nurses then I came to visit her. She accepted my visit nicely and told her experience today that made her upset, namely, the X-ray treatment. I tried to be a good listener as she told her grievance and offered her prayer. It seemed that she’s happy to receive my visit. It’s all about the patients, not about me, so I have to be ready to whatever situation can be happened to me both good and bad….I surrender to God’s plan, I am just a person who does the duty to visit, no more no less.
At the end of my visit, I returned to the hospital chapel to return the host at the tabernacle and prayed for a moment. I went to the hospital library to pick up the book I borrow, namely, Hope in Pastoral Care and Counseling by Andrew Lester. The librarian helps me find out this book and she got it from Loyola University in Chicago. It is used for book review in my CPE program. At this library, there are about five computers with access to Internet that open to public as well.
After having Mass in the evening, we had supper together with the Alexian brothers and this time the room was pecked because all 14 brothers came and there were some guests. We were separated on three round tables. Some Indian priests came to stay at this brother’s house. They are missionaries of de Sales from India who work in the USA. One of them, Father Abraham, a young priest ever served as a chaplain at this hospital some time ago. After having dinner, I asked favor to my colleagues who is on-call service today, named Annie to show me how to use the briefcase for the emergency baptism. We came to the fist floor at Post Partum Unit and saw the briefcase and she showed me how to use things inside. It’s important for me because I never have this experience to baptize a baby, especially in emergency situation. At the brothers’ house, I sit down with three elderly brothers, one of them is 90 year-old, named Brother Ronald just came back yesterday from his vacation in Indiana. One brother named Philip was teasing the oldest one with telling story to me.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005.
Today, there is a candidate, a White American man would have interview with the brothers, probably, applying to join the Alexian Brothers since I see him stayed at this house and joined the prayers.
In the CPE program, our supervisor, Digna reviewed the video we watched yesterday, about Elizabeth Kubler Ross then Eric led the discussion of ‘Living Reminder’, a book written by Henry Nouwen. We discussed about ministry and spirituality. Before noon, Jim Gullickson gave us the spiritual assessment in visiting a patient. After having lunch, soon I visited patients at 6 West. There were about 18 patients on my list and not all available to my visit. Some were sleeping, some others were not at their rooms, and some were not ready to receive my visit because of their condition. I was impressed by some couples, who take care of the husband or wife. In the moment of suffering of the pain, they witness to me their faithfulness, loyalty. I said to them, "You’re a good and faithful husband/wife." One old lady who is sick and receive communion with his husband gratefully answered me, "Yes, sometimes, he’s good" making a joke. Another husband always stays at the room of her wife who suffered of a hard disease. He said that this place is now also his place. One lady whom I visited was uttering her grievance regards the treatment of doctors who do not give her a hope but keep her stay long at this hospital. When I came, she was writing a letter and she was very glad to see me again for the second time. She said, "You’re coming on due time." She concerns a lot about financial thing. Her husband does not work and she has to work soon. Telling her story, she started to cry. As a chaplain, I tried my best to listen attentively and compassionately. I didn’t know what to say but I just remained there and offered a prayer. One old lady who suddenly saying after I said that I am a chaplain, "Of course, I’m a Lutheran. My father is Germany and my mother is Polish. Since kid, my brother and I went to Lutheran church. She knows that she could not receive communion at the Catholic Church. She spoke loudly a lot of stories of her life. Then I offered prayer from the Alexian Brothers’ prayer card. After the prayer, she was speaking again about her experience entering a Catholic Church, etc, etc… I tried to visit two old ladies but they were still sleeping so I didn’t meet them. I just put on the chart, "Attempted Visit." One Catholic lady, who has felt much better from pneumonia, did not want stay longer at this hospital. She was walking around the unit in order to reduce her stress. She likes to talk and tell story to me. I gave her communion and she received happily. One old man whom I visited was taken care by his wife. He’s a Catholic and gladly accepting my visit and told me that he’s a deacon of his Catholic Church and knows very well this hospital. One old patient lady who just arrived, I offered her a communion and asked me if I go to her Catholic Church in Schaumburg and I said, "No." I wrote what I remember from so many conversation I have today and pop up in my memory, so that on due time I have to write a verbatim, I am ready to reflect some of them and deepen them in details. I concluded my visit today at 4.10 p.m. and put the host back in the tabernacle at the hospital chapel.
After the evening Mass and supper, I walked along with Brother Victor, a 58 year-old Chinese man. In our conversation, I asked him about the cost of one day for a patient at this hospital. He replied, "About one thousand dollars a day, but it will be more if they are in special rooms like ICU, ICCU, not including medicine, etc…" Then I can understand how the patients most likely want to leave the hospital as soon as possible, not only their desolation experience but also the factor of financial. I don’t know what happen to a patient who cannot afford the cost of medical treatment here. Should they discharge of the hospital while they are sick, I don’t know.
In the evening, I just stayed at my room, preparing a morning devotion for tomorrow at the CPE program, then just relax remembering the great day today I have experienced meeting and talking to many patients and many other people.
Thursday, June 23, 2005.
I was giving morning devotion this morning that I took from the book of Anthony de Mello, "Wellsprings" and we’re only 5 chaplains because the others have evaluation of their program. This morning I visited patients at 6 West as my primary unit. There were 20 patients on my list but some of them were not available, some were not at their bed, some I gave communion. I remember one old lady about 86 year-old whom I visited for the second time and I gave her communion. With low voice she told me her story that she went to Catholic school since kid at Saint Clement in Chicago. Most of her friends and neighbors were Irish, Germany, and Polish. After telling her story, then she asked about me. "Do you marry?" then she added, "I don’t think you’re married." I replied, "I’m a seminarian and studying become a priest." She was glad to her that and she wished me the best to be a good pastor and she encouraged me that I will be a good one. This is one empowering visit that I ever have beside other patients who gave me joy to serve them. For three times I tried to visit one patient but always a member of the family always denied me without allowing me to enter the room. It’s a part of learning to be humble and accept what the patient want not pushing my own agenda. One Peruvian man who was on his bed waiting for his urine would come out, I visited him and he talked a lot about his family and his belief in the Catholic faith. Once I prayed and gave him communion, he felt peace in his heart as he said to me. After he peed his urine, then he discharged. Some patients I have tried to visit but they were sleeping or still in line with phone, so I put on the chart, "Attempted Visit." One of my colleagues asked me to give communion at his unit, the 5th floor and I was happy to response directly since he is Lutheran and can’t give Catholic communion. I have such a privilege to take communion from the chapel and give to the patients.
After lunch, we had debriefing with our supervisor, Digna. She was telling her own story in regard of our theological story that we have to make for next week and share to the class. It’s almost the same with theological reflection I have received at CTU. One issue was discussed regard the lateness of one of our classmates to come to this debriefing. I learned a lot from the supervisor, how she clarifies the problem and helped us all to see good and bad things and what we can do better for next. It’s her role to direct us to see and evaluate all we do. Sometimes if one can’t accept the input of the supervisor, she/he will be upset and defend with his/her own opinion and it takes a lot of time to argue. I hope that what they talked in our discussion can be implemented in our clinical service as chaplains.
Coming back to the house, Brother Zeke asked me, "Why I didn’t come to the breakfast with the brothers?" I replied, "I was full, so I don’t need breakfast." I happened already twice. He suggested and convinced me that even though not eating something, just drink and being together with them because since beginning I have a custom together with them in the breakfast, so they always ask about me. Knowing this experience, I will do better next time and continue to sit together with the brothers in the breakfast moment.
After attending the Mass and having supper with the brothers, I went to the trailer 2 to envoy the message of Digna to my colleague who is on call service today till tomorrow morning. Coming back to the house of the brothers, I saw Brother Jim, 84 year-old, who is very friendly to me, asked me question, "How did you know about your congregation that you are in now?" Then we shared many things and he lent me a book about cultural and religions sensitivity that was made last year by a Jew at Saint Alexius Medical Center. He was surprised to know many religions in the world. Before he only knew Catholic and some other denominations of Christians.
Friday, June 24, 2005.
This morning as usual I had prayer with the brothers at 6.15 o’clock then as Brother Zeke nicely proposed to me yesterday that it’s good to have breakfast together with the brothers in the community so I did this advice wholeheartedly. This early morning Brother Zeke goes to New Jersey visiting his family till next Thursday. In the CPE morning devotion, once again I led the prayer with the prayer of Mother Theresa of Calcutta. About one hour I spent my clinical day with visiting patient at 6 West. I gave communion to some patients then I returned to trailer 2 to have personal conference with my supervisors about one hour. Both of my supervisors, Digna and Jim, got to know me through my personal stories that I shared to them while they were asking some clarifications and suggestions. A quarter after eleven, I went up to the third floor to meet my colleague, Deacon Dave, to visit some patients who are in the neurology unit. We visited about 4 patients. One thing I learned today is about one religion that is called Willow Creek. According to Dave, it’s a sort of a modern church who accommodates suburban people who do not have a certain church. They have a beautiful building, music, technology in the worship. They can accommodate five thousand people in their church. A lot of young Catholic move to this movement as Deacon Dave said to me. One patient whom we visited is fellow of this church, so I asked Dave about it. After having lunch together with other chaplains at the cafeteria, I went to 6 West again and visited some patients. One old Indian lady whom I visited a couple of times during these two weeks, finally she discharged today. I gave her communion and said my farewell greeting to her. She is a nice lady who likes to receive my visit and she wishes me the best in my vocation and duty at this hospital.
After the morning devotion, I get a turn to be an on-call chaplain from 8 o’clock today till tomorrow morning 8 o’clock as well. I got keys of the chaplain room at the fifth floor, on-call pager and a badge for having meal at the cafeteria. It will be my first time experience being on-call by myself. Two weeks ago, I had the same experience but I was accompanied by a resident or senior chaplain. I am ready to be paged in 24 hours.
In the morning at 10.20 I got a page from hospice unit at the fifth floor. Since there was my colleague who was in charge of this unit, so I told her this call and she followed it up. The patients at this unit need a priest for anointing of the sick sacrament and sacrament of reconciliation. Hospice unit is a place for patients who endure terminal illnesses and most of them are elderly people.
At 4.40 p.m. when I returned to the brother’s house, I got a page of CCU unit at first floor. Immediately I came to this unit and rather shock I saw a dead young man with his family. His face was already yellow and I prayed surround him together with his sister and father. It’s my first experience to pray for the dead at this hospital and fortunately in the afternoon I have taken a prayer book with me from the on-call chaplain room, so I used this book, the prayer for the dead. As I uttered the prayer, my feeling was upset and my heart gradually saddened as if I was impacted by the mourning of this family who were left behind. While I said the prayer, I got another page from my colleague, Annie who would like to meet me before she leaves. She met me at the chapel in the middle of the Mass. She encouraged me on this on-call duty and she gave me her phone both home and cell, just in case I need help, I could call her up. I am grateful for her kindness and I feel being supported in this partnership. While in the Mass, I was still struck by this dead experience of the young man. My heart was still numb and my image once in a while remembering his face.
I had dinner with the brothers and had good chatting with them. They were teasing me to join their congregation but they know me very well that I have confident to follow my way in the Xaverian missionaries. They are very nice to me and always encourage me to continue my journey to the missionary priesthood as I have chosen since 1996. Often times they ask my experience how I get to know the Xaverians. They are curious about my country, Indonesia. Some of them who were joining military service, such as the U.S. Navy, like to tell their story when they served in the World War 2 in the Philippines and other islands close to Indonesia. They said that they welcome me at any time to their house. I feel more and more comfortably being together with them as I am journeying this CPE summer unit that is already in the third week.
As the orientation book of the CPE recommends, in the evening of on-call duty, I was walking around emergency unit, ICU, ICCU, Hospice and day surgery. As I walked one old man stopped me and asked me where I am coming from. Then he said many things about his experience in the military service in Himalaya, India, Korea and other Asian Pacific countries including Indonesia. He was so glad to meet me as an Indonesian. He met for the first time an Indonesian in this country, as he said to me. He said that with a ship he passed by Padang which is located in Sumatera Island when the Japanese colonized Indonesia in 1942-1945. He was excited to tell stories and meet with people just like his father who was coming from Yugoslavia. He said that he’s a Catholic and just visited his wife at this hospital and he asked me to stop by at his wife’s room then I did as he suggested.
When I was at my on-call room at the fifth floor which has access to computer plus Internet, shower and restroom, bed, phone and full AC, I got a page from hospice unit at the fifth floor at 8.50 p.m. Actually, I have seen many people surrounded this patient as I checked around this evening. For the second time today, I prayed for the dead together with other family members.
At 9.20 p.m. again I got a page from emergency room at the first floor. I met a young lady who just bore a baby but the doctor said to me that the baby would pass away soon in next few days. Before I met this lady, the doctor said to me that this lady is already calm down and still mourning. When I asked this lady what spiritual needs she wants, she replied that she is OK and doesn’t need anything else. So, I left her alone with her husband who spoke Polish.
Saturday, June 25, 2005.
After having slept about two hours, at 00.50 early in the morning the pager was beeping and it’s CODE BLUE. It means that I have to directly come to the location of the patient, that was PIR 262. I reached there immediately and saw some doctors and nurses took care of one old Peruvian patient about 77 year-old who was dying, crying, and screaming. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do in this situation as a chaplain on-call. I was stick around at this area and one nurse told me to approach the patient’s relative that was his granddaughter. I met her and talked to her in English. I had some informative answer to know about the patient. Actually he was at the fifth floor since last Monday but this early morning he got severe pain then he was brought to this kind of emergency room. The medics brought him to CCU and I continued to accompany them. While the nurses set up the new room at CCU for this patient, the granddaughter of the patient and I were waiting for at a waiting room. There were only two of us at this room at 01.30 a.m. Trying the best I could to do my role as the on-call chaplain at this moment, I was being with her and once in a while asking questions and we had small conversation until she asked me about my identity. In the middle of conversation, the nurse called us to enter the room of the patient. One of the nurses asked her to know about someone who is responsible for power attorney, to decide something that important to the patient’s life. They name it as power attorney if I am not mistaken. She called up his uncle and the doctor spoke in Spanish trying to explain this situation. The patient who speaks only Spanish was calm down and slept restfully. I asked the granddaughter what spiritual needs they wish and she said, no until now. Then, I left her alone with her grandpa and told her to take care of herself since she has to work this morning. I left them after filling out the chart of the patient at 2.15 a.m. Coming back to my room, the on-call chaplain room at the fifth floor, I tried to sleep again but I couldn’t. I have lain down on the bed and shut my eyes but my mind was still revolving around the situation I have experienced today. My awareness of time was strong in the rest of this morning, then at 5.20 a.m. I discharge of this chaplain room and went to the trailer 2, the spiritual care department. I did morning report, which I have to write down on the green book about what I have received from the page I carry on including the action and reaction I have done. Father Stan who came later at this morning told me how to do other things such as taking message from telephone mail voice and checked my morning report. After finishing all of these, I went to the cafeteria to have heavy breakfast: hot chocolate, donut, bacon, and sausage. Waiting for the next on-call chaplain of today, I was writing my personal conference report I had yesterday, then at 8.10 a.m. Beth came and reported what I have written on the green book and gave her what I have received as an on-call chaplain, namely: the key of the on-call chaplain, the band roll card for having meal at the cafeteria and the pager. At 8.10 I went home at the Brothers’ house and took care of myself with sleeping peacefully until one o’clock in the afternoon. Having fresh mind, body and spirit after resting for five hours, I took shower and writing this journal while the weather outside warm, sunshine. I did also weekly laundry as usual. In the evening I prayed with the brothers the Vesper then took out food from the cafeteria of the hospital and we ate together at the house of the brothers. In the evening I was at my room, watching DVD of the advertisement of the Alexian Brothers and two movies entitled Wild Things and Confession till almost midnight.
Sunday, June 26, 2005.
I could sleep long enough today and woke up at 7.15 a.m. At 9 a.m. I attended Sunday Mass at the hospital chapel and had breakfast at the cafeteria with the brothers. I took a walk outside of the hospital and I saw across the street there is Saint Julian Catholic Church, Elk Grove Village. I went through the street and I found Jewel Osco and other stores. I bought small book for the CPE and other little things. Returning home at 1 p.m. I had small lunch and watched DVD of Final Destination. After the evening prayer/Vesper with the brothers at 5 p.m., I followed Brothers Dan and Ted to the cafeteria to take out some food and this time I took meat load and mash potatoes and I ate it with the brothers at the house.
It’s full the third week experience of my immersion at the CPE program at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center and looking forward tomorrow my fourth week with the same hope and renewed spirit.
Denny Wahyudi (27 June 2005)
Weekly Reflection (WEEK III, from 20 June to 24 June 2005)
Having experienced the third week of the CPE summer unit, leads me to involve more to the clinical works as a chaplain at the Alexian Brothers Medical Center. My primary unit is 6 West, whose types of patients served are ages, patient groups, market, and diagnostic categories. It provides care to adult through geriatric medical-surgical patients. The specific patient groups include but are not limited to patient’s with: infectious isolation care needs, Tuberculosis, renal failure and any condition that requires general medical/surgical intervention. At this unit I know closely some patients that I visit everyday especially those who require daily communion. Every morning in daily basis as I receive 2 to 3 pages of patient list then I have to make assessment which patients I should visit especially initial visit then communion list and finally follow up visit to some patients. In the orientation, Sandy, one of the chaplains here witnessed to us what to do before visiting patients, namely, visiting the chapel, spend a qualitative time to ask God’s wisdom to do this clinical service to patients. It’s such an example I never forget and I have done so far. One important room before meeting patients is the chapel then I take hosts with me that always remind me to behave appropriately in body-mind-spirit to do this visit because I carry the body of Christ. In the beginning of my visit experience at this hospital, I felt hesitant and doubt to enter the room of patients. I am fear of doing wrong and not knowing what to speak fluently to patients. Gradually, I have confidence in my heart and attitude to be calm down and to be humble at the visit, because I am just a tool who brings message of Christ to patient. "If Christ is with me, whom shall I dare." A couple of times I am denied by patients and I try to understand their choice and privacy. But, many times I am being accepted by patients. They are very nicely accepting my presence and gratefully receiving communion. Some patients know me, even my name. Once I met a patient whom I promised to give her communion then at the same day, the husband of the patient whom I also met at my initial visit then greeted me by calling my name at the cafeteria. I am feeling appreciated and welcomed by them. I remembered what my pre-novitiate master, Nico Macina, SX ever said, "The most need of human being is being accepted by others." My philosophy professor in Indonesia, Magnis Susesno, SJ says, "To love and to be loved as human being is giving ultimate meaning in the life of human beings." Then, I reflect upon this experience particularly in my CPE program dealing with the patients. My motivation to be here is not merely to be accepted by others but I have to transform myself to transcendental level. Even Jesus Christ was rejected and killed cruelly by many who were envious to him. If I have experience to be loved and accepted by others then I know what is the meaning of this comfortable feeling and experience. If it is conditional, it will not last long. But, if it is unconditional then I put it into practice like so, I develop myself toward this unconditional one. I have one experience that made me so depressed as a person when I was working at an office in Jakarta in my 20’s. One friend of mine confronted me nastily with his bad words and talked widely to others about my fault to him. I couldn’t be angry to him. I was sorry to myself and without having braveness to approach him and ask him pardon, I put all of this difficult situation in my heart and in the process I always remembered him in my prayer especially when I attended Mass. Incredibly, one day he approached me nicely, asking what Catholic church activity he could join with me. Then, I offered him a weekend retreat that is called CHOICE. In the chaos of my life, God is always present and leading me to a beautiful meaning that I never thought before. All of these experience I carry as my treasure in my spiritual life, I try to use it in my CPE program especially dealing with many different characters. When I am rejected, I will try my best to see God’s message over there and pray fervently, remember them in my mind and heart and let the Spirit of God change what it can be changed. Not me who can change and not my intention to change others, but just to be faithful to God in surrendering everything I have experienced, then God will take care of the rest.
Here, I want to express my gratitude and prayer to an old Indian patient whom I visited and already discharged on last Friday. She has accepted me as her "angel" and her "neighbor." At the same time I believe that she remembers me in her prayers. I have a qualitative moment with her in this CPE.
Denny Wahyudi (27 June 2005)
STORY THEOLOGY
At the age of teenager (16) I was willingly able to learn how to drive a car. As I saw my father driving a car, I noticed carefully what steps should one take to drive. One day when my father was not at home, bravely I pushed his car out toward the street and drove it happily. Thanks God, I didn’t crashed anything instead I could drive it to surround of little streets. A couple of times I did similar with other cars that my father had that time. My father did not want recommend me to drive his car with his own reason that his car was not healthy. I did not surrender to his opinion. I tried my best to practice it. Unluckily, it did not continue in better ways until I graduated of high school and left for Jakarta for working. I ever asked to my father before I left my hometown to take car driver’s license but he said, "NO." After working for almost three years, and almost the time to enter the Xaverians, I spent my time to take a course of driving car in Jakarta. I did a couple of times (probably 6 times of one hour practice) and I still remember this course is ULISA. I drove three different cars and accompanied by an instructor I went to some various streets such as crowded one in Pasar Senen. It’s a moment of incredible and joyous one for me that time that eventually I could drive a car even though this driving school fee did not include driver’s license. So, I had experience to drive a car in Jakarta only with driving school without having any other experience to drive other car nor my own car since I didn’t have car.
Entering Xaverians in 1996 until graduated my philosophy/college study in 2002, it seemed that I didn’t have possibility to drive a car. Actually, there’s one possibility in the third year of philosophy study but once again I didn’t have chance. Every class of the Xaverian students have chance to drive car and normally only the formators/the Xaverian priests who choose them. I was not the chosen one, even though in my rational thinking that I was able to do it. I let both of my classmates take their willingness to be driver in our community. I felt jealous at that time but I just kept them in my heart. In my rational mind, I had been living in Jakarta since 1993, much longer than both of my friends, my father and mother are drivers, I had a driving car course before entering the Xaverians, and I know many streets in Jakarta….but why I was not chosen to be a driver. It’s my grievance at that time. After both of my classmates became driver, one day my rector asked me I don’t know if he’s serious or just joking, whether I also want to take driver’s license…spontaneously I said, "NO" because there were already two drivers. Patiently, I tried to perceive all of these in my heart and reflection.
Coming to the USA in November 2002, I saw my older confrere of Indonesia has been driving a car since his first year. I was confidently this time that I would not loose again my chance to drive a car. Seeing both of my classmates from Mexico had been practicing drive a car, I was patiently waiting for my turn. But, unfortunately my turn did not come until I graduated my English study in August 2003. I saw both of my Mexican confreres have been driving a car and they were always to be my driver going back and forth to school everyday. I just kept all my ‘negative’ feeling in my heart and saw it as my destiny in the beginning of my experience in my family. I was so jealous and disappointed to see this experience moreover to see my friend from Indonesia who is studying theology in San Antonio with CICM congregation who told me about his driving course after he lived one month in the USA. One of the Xaverian priests in Milwaukee and the only one who asked me personally, why I don’t take driver license, made me more thinking miserably to myself. I tried to see in clear perspective and just let it go.
Coming to Chicago, I have bad experience twice with "car tragedy." One is when I was invited by my older confrere to go to downtown by a car. He drove and got accident in the middle of traffic light in downtown. It happened in December 2002 and impacted me since now that I would not drive a car in Chicago. The second one is when the first time I came to Chicago and my older confrere invited me to visit one Indonesian priest, then on the way to the parking lot, we saw the van we had was towed. This two events plus my reason that Chicago has enough and affordable public transportations to reach other places, I decided not to take driver’s license. If I reflect on these chronological stories, I come to understand that I have such an attitude to keep bad experience in my heart and bear it with rationalization so that others can accept it.
In my experience riding motorcycle in Jakarta especially in the scholastic level, I saw myself trying to avoid riding motorcycle after seeing many of my confreres have willingness to ride it. I choose my transportation to go to many places in Jakarta with bicycle until one day I have an unforgettable and miserable experience loosing my beloved bicycle in Taman Anggrek Mall. I declared myself to be a bicycle man. Actually, I have been riding bicycle since I was working in Jakarta, before entering the Xaverians. Many people know that I like to go many far distances in Jakarta by my portable/folded bicycle.
Every time I reflect upon these experiences and see also that my younger brothers in Indonesia, even my oldest sister have been driving a car and my father bought for my brothers cars, I feel I just don’t have a good deal or chance to be like them. But, I am still grateful for many things I am privileged to have until now that many others don’t have such as traveling to other cities in the USA by airplane, going to vacation in Florida this summer 2005, having experience traveling to Los Angeles while I was doing pastoral work in Philadelphia in 2004 and finally living together with the Alexian Brothers in the CPE summer unit and still many other things I am aware that not others have, I just be calm down and step back to know myself better. Thanks God for all of these. I am thinking that my turn to drive a car is not coming yet and maybe someday I would be having this chance, maybe in my mission when I become a priest, in Japan, perhaps.
Is this part of my attitude being a "conformist" as the psychologist lady told me when I was in the Xaverian formation in Jakarta?
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