2nd letter of April 2006
2) Palm Sunday, April 09, 2006
Monday, April 03, 2006.
In the morning I attended the Natural Law class and the Beguines. In the afternoon I typed my reflection of Biblical Spirituality class. I took care of the invitations of my final vows and deaconate ordination. In the evening I came to CTU attending the class of biblical spirituality.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006.
In the morning I sent my invitations of perpetual vows and deaconate ordination at the post office both local and international addresses. It cost about $ 41 for the stamps. In the afternoon I cooked pork vegetable soup (baikut), rice and eggs. I did make a research on the Internet about House Blessing for my paper.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006.
I attended the morning classes both the Natural Law and the Beguines. At 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. I met Father Rocco for colloquium in preparation to perpetual vows and deaconate ordination with the topic of the future of religious life. At night I received an email saying that the archbishop of Ende, Flores in Indonesia passed away. He’s Mgr. Longinus da Cunha (60).
Thursday, April 06, 2006.
In the morning I attended the morning class of Integrating Core (liturgy and spirituality). I did research at the CTU library and took 8 invitations of CTU graduation at 2 p.m. At home I typed the booklet of the Mass of my perpetual vows and deaconate ordination. At 7.30 p.m. to 9 p.m. we had community meeting talking about Xaverian spirituality in preparation of the Meeting of the Xaverians about spirituality in August 2006 in Italy. At night I typed some bibliography of my paper both the Beguines (Julian of Norwich) and the Biblical Spirituality (the Lord’s Prayer).
Personal Retreat on the preparation of my final vows and deaconate ordination
April 07-12 April 2006
Cenacle Retreat House
Fullerton, Chicago
Friday, April 07, 2006
This morning at our community house we celebrated the Mass in commemoration of the birthday of Saint Francis Xavier (500 years). On this day I start my personal retreat at Cenacle Retreat House at Fullerton, Chicago. At 10.30 a.m. Father Rocco took me to this place. Sister Mary, a Cenacle Sisters has been waiting for my coming as she asked me, “What is your first name?” I replied, “Denny.” She took me to the room number 202. It’s nice room to do this personal retreat. After I put my luggage and bag in the room, I met Father Rocco to receive my schedule and content of this retreat. After short briefing, he left. Still having 20 minutes I spent my time at the 5th floor chapel in which the Blessed Sacrament is posed against the wall. I tried to be quiet and settled my spirit, body and mind to enter this first day of my retreat and at the same time to be grateful of this opportunity of personal retreat during the Lenten Season, the special moment (kairos) with God. At noon I entered the chapel after the 11.15 a.m. Mass over and after sitting quietly in the back pew then Sister Mary came to take me to the private dining room. I had lunch quietly while there was another old woman at the dining room. Coming back to my room, I prayed the midday prayer of the breviary and read the life’s story of Saint Francis Xavier in a piece of paper given by Father Victor this morning Mass. Feeling little bit tired and sleepy then I took a nap.
At 3 p.m. I woke up and read some material of a British mystic woman named Julian of Norwich. For almost two hours I read some photocopies of this anchoress who lived around 1343-after 1433. Having read the short story of Saint Francis Xavier and Julian of Norwich, I have some reflections as follow:
Coincided with the 500th of Saint Francis Xavier’s birthday I enter the first day of my retreat for my final decision to be a Xaverian, a religious-missionary-priest. It is a good remark to remember in the future. The Xaverians and the Jesuits all over the world celebrate this year 2006 as the Jubilee year of Saint Francis Xavier, the patron of mission. I was struck to know on the page about Saint Francis Xavier prepared by Father Victor that during his 15 years of priestly life Saint Francis Xavier did not write any diary even though he wrote 125 letters. As I recall my reading on his I remember that he was a brilliant student in Paris who wanted to become a noble priest in his castle in Spain. After meeting Ignatius of Loyola he changed his destination to be a simple man who followed Jesus radically. The verse of the Scripture that made him up side down is Mark 8:36: “For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?” In my vocation to be a Catholic and a Xaverian I have my own particular story that brings me to be like now. After made a long discernment with the grace of God and the help of some Xaverian priests such as Father Nico Macina, Silvano Laurenzi and Bruno Orru, I came to the decision to enter the Xaverians as a pre-novice that started in August 1996 in Bintaro, Jakarta. To gain the decision to leave my job, my family, my comfort zone, my own will, my hobby, my idealism, I wrestled with my own voice deep in my heart that I supposed the voice of the Holy Spirit that geared me to this brave commitment. After the ordination of the first Indonesian Xaverian priest, Father Albertus Priyono in Mlati, Yogyakarta, Indonesia in October 1995 in which I took days off of my job to witness this special occasion, then I decided to be serious to enter the Xaverians in 1996, the year of the beatification of Conforti, the founder of the Xaverians. After familiar with the Xaverians through my visits once in a while at the novitiate both in Cempaka Putih and Bintaro and the philosophy house in Jakarta as well as the theology house in Yogyakarta, I felt that this missionary family is what I had dreamed and searched for. I think I was still very young to decide to enter the Xaverians, about 21 years old after having experienced for three years working in two different sites in Jakarta compared to my four other siblings when they got married. It’s been 10 years my joy and gratitude to be a member of the Xaverians that I always keep in mind that only God through Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit and many friends and relatives who support and strengthen me in this vocation journey. It is very true that one who renounces all to be Jesus’ follower will get a hundredfold here and now and everlasting life. Even in my recollection I have been receiving more and more through the generosity of many benefactors and friends, confreres and families who day-to-day enter my life. On these retreat days I believe some friends of mine such as Missionaries Claris Sisters whom I know pray for me as they replied my e-mail. One of them is Sister Ana Maria Amezcua, MC from Mexico who works in Indonesia. Still many other good friends in their daily prayer remember me as I commit myself to this wonderful journey. On this day I would like to remember them in the spirit of fraternal charity and friendship that may God grant them abundant grace and incessant love. If I compute what I have been receiving in these ten years, I could not return it with material and spiritual things I have now but I believe with my perseverance in my commitment as a Xaverian in day-to-day basis, I promise to devote myself wholly here on earth and everlasting life.
I tried to understand why FX did not write his experience on a diary. In his time everything was still in handwriting, so probably he did not have enough equipment to write and moreover he did not have ample time to write or maybe he did not want to be popular, or maybe he was not talented to write of his experience. Through his letter to Ignatius I can see his eagerness to share and tell his experience and asked others to join him in his missionary work. Compared to FX’s time, once again I have privilege life in which I live in this modern age with tremendous technology that the FX’s people never thought. Like now I have my own laptop to write down my reflection easily and comfortably. What a wonderful thing I have to consider this time. But, I should not stop on this gadgets, I should enter more deeply in my own spirituality that does not need this sort of writing, instead typing down my heart-mind-body with God’s Spirit. What for this all of my reflection I am able to write if I do not have deep relationship with God in this retreat time? In this good opportunity I would like to commit myself to listen to my heart where the Spirit of God speaks to me that I implement on my typing on this machine. God is present in this moment. God is accompanying me in this room through things surround me including this computer, Bible, lights, furniture, books and silent evening. Realizing this place, I remember my stay at a retreat house of Missionaries Claris Sister in Jakarta when I was working. Once in a while in the weekend I went to their convent to study about my vocation to priesthood. Instead Sister Ana Maria gave me lessons on Spanish. The place, food, room, hospitality, spiritual milieu are pretty the same like I have now in this retreat house. What makes difference is that at that time I felt tired after working for a week and traveling by bike to come to her convent/retreat house but here I am easily coming to this place by car, not working but studying on my theological studies at CTU that cost me tired not physically but mentally because I have to write my last three final papers of my MA studies in a month besides other assignment. So, my worry and concern are quite different. When I saw and pondered on a booklet of Missionaries Claris Sisters in which there was some houses and rooms in Italy, Mexico, Spain, etc. It looked nice to me and I asked myself: how and when do I feel to experience this foreign country. Now, I have this experience to be in the USA that this place is what I have dreamed that time. It’s a sort of accomplishment of my curiosity of my age that is answered by God. Truly all of this comes through grace that I do not deserve to have it.
Now, about Julian of Norwich. The words that she used in her writing are struck me. As a mystic, she listened to God’s loving message, “I may make all things well, and I can make all things well, and I can make all things well; and you will see yourself that every kind of thing will be made well.” It resonates to my situation now: I am worry about many things such as my papers, my celebration of perpetual vows and deaconate ordination, my opportunity to go for vacation to Indonesia and accompanying my friends from New York City and Philadelphia who will come to my deaconate ordination, my MA comprehensive exam, etc., etc….. I felt that I did not use my time properly to do those things but in this moment I am convinced that everything will be OK as Julian witnessed that only God can make everything fine. It does not mean that suffering and tragedy in this world will never happen again but we have to embrace “the marvelous mingling of both weal and woe” in Christ Jesus. This woe and weal are not simply we live in an alternation but both woe and weal we live completely. Both are exist simultaneously. Julian teaches that even though we never achieve “wellness” in this world, we all still “should be well” because God transforms nothingness into the fullness of joy. Her way is not a way of perfection but a way of imperfection. She asked that God granted her three things: 1) the grace of Jesus’ passion on a personal level, 2) suffering an illness so great that others consider herself actually dying, and 3) three spiritual “wounds”: the wounds of compassion, of contrition, and of willful longing for God. All those three were granted to her. Her extraordinary qualities are gracious manner, distinguished scholastic ability, understanding of human suffering, availability to others that her vows provided and inner compassion toward others because of her suffering experience of Jesus’ passion. I do not understand how can I ask to be granted harmful things in my life. What I ask to God is always good things. How do I appropriate the message and the examples of Julian in my life? I think of my suffering experience that is not necessarily happen in my life such as my experience in my family with my mother, father and siblings as well as other extended families. When I look back to these ups and downs experiences I come to realize that God is always present there in my life. I did not ask all of this happen but it had happened with God’s grace and permission. I believe also that my ten years living in the Xaverians has been giving me other ups and downs experience that God is present as well. As of now the negative experience I have in my life I do not consider as obstacles to be grateful incessantly that only God has power and strength over me; I am just a tool that God is willing to use it through my Xaverian family and others.
She wrote about Jesus as mother, God as mother, the Church as mother. If I can add, the Xaverians is my mother as well (Testament Letter of the Xaverians no.10: “…spirit of intense love for our religious family, which is like a mother to us and of complete respect for the members who constitute it.”) Her mystical experience of the crucified cross and her suffering both physically and mentally led her to the images of feminine God and Jesus. She understood that God is beyond human’s estimation and intellect. Jesus “Mother” nourishes us with Jesus’ breasts and lanced wound. Julian associated the Trinity with power (the Father), wisdom (the Son), and goodness (the Holy Spirit). All these three belong to each other in undivided Trinity. Being a motherless since nine years for me is not a good experience. Every time I saw my friends at school receiving motherly love of their mothers, I was feeling jealous and asking why God took my mother when I was still young. I felt emptiness in my life in having nobody to share emotionally and affectionately. Thanks God that my grandmother (my father side) replaced the role of my mother for eight years. When I was still kid once in a while in my dreams I saw my mother is still alive. I didn’t believe that she is still alive in this world…and this is true she is still living…but after I woke up it’s just a dream. Where there is shortness there is a need of replacement. What is the replacement of my mother? Probably, I could find in the figure of my oldest sister who is very close to me in taking care of me when I was still a kid. Through her I could learn many things in this life. When I met her she told many stories openly as well as myself toward her. The other replacement I have also through a mother in my Catholic neighborhood that for the first time said to me, “You’re worthy to become a priest, I would like to pray for you in a special way.” It was said after 6 months of my baptism in December 24, 1990, when I was only 16. I don’t know it’s a really my own will to be a priest that time or because of her inspirational motherly voice that entreated me to follow. As I always come back to this initial call of my story toward priesthood, I believe that God works in many ways that I never thought before. Through this simple mother who saw me on a pilgrimage with her and other parishioners then suddenly when she saw me again she said those words. Is God word coming through this lady? I did not stop on this voice but I reflected back what’s happened in my life before and the future. After wrestling with many considerations, finally, I claimed that this is my call from God to be a priest, no matter others say about me. Before I entered the Xaverians, often times when I heard of vocation to be a priest or some other congregation of religious life, my heart leapt up like the womb of Mary when she visits her cousin, Elizabeth. I wanted to be a priest, but I don’t know when and where. Many of my family knew that I someday would enter a seminary becoming a priest. My colleagues where I worked also knew it. One thing that made me to postpone is that my father at that time was still hard to accept my eagerness to be a priest. In his mind if I become a priest, he will lose his son. Fortunately, he changed his understanding and instead he always encourages me to continue faithfully my vocation. He is always proud of me and frequently tells his friends that even though he is like so (notoriously as a gambler) but his son is becoming a priest. What a marvelous and contradictive story. Before I went to the USA to study, every time when I came home, my father always asked me a same question, namely, “Do you still want to be a priest?” I always replied, “Yes, this is my choice, this is my life that I have chosen freely. He tried to convince me that if I did not want to continue to be a priest I could come back to my family/father and he would guarantee to pay my further study in a university if I liked. The same question is also uttered by my oldest sister as well as other extended family members. I did answer the same conviction that I replied to my father.
One day I was telling my story of my experience of falling in love with a girl when I was in the second year of philosophy in the Xaverians in Jakarta to a public high school students in my hometown. The following day my father invited me to eat out and asked me seriously, “Are you brokenhearted?” My analysis of his question is that one of the students who heard of my falling in love experience told my father directly or indirectly. I was just smile in answering his curiosity. It’s true that I felt what a normal young man feels when he falls in love. If I remember it again (I was about 26 years old) I was amazed with myself. How come that such a thing could happen in my life. I realized that it’s my life that I have to see honestly. I have a feeling that is very sensitive. I have a need to love and to be loved by others. With a brave heart and honest story, I told this experience to my Xaverians’ classmate in class sharing as well as to my formator and spiritual director. It’s a beautiful experience that I ever have in my life as a young man and after I came to the USA I told this story to her indirectly, namely, through her best friend whom I know. It’s a nostalgic memory of my young age that I still keep in my mind. What I have experienced in this romantic love should be applied in my love to God in Jesus Christ with my whole being and journey on this vocation. In the romantic love, there is a bodily reaction as well as heart feeling that I felt so great.
With a big heart I attended her wedding invitation both at the church and the reception in 2001 with one of my younger confreres and now she has a son. I always remember what my professors taught in the class, “If you are falling in love, you have to stand up, wake up, to be aware of then build up love; don’t stay on the ground in falling position.” Another one says, “To love and to be loved as a human person is giving the highest meaning in this life.”
Through this love experience I am called to love more people in my call and vocation of ministry in the Church through the Xaverians as my mother.
4. After waking up this afternoon and reading Julian of Norwich, I tried to be in a silent mood and I saw things in my room. There was a painting of face of a young woman against the wall of my bed and the other wall there is a cross of Jesus. It directly connects to my reading on Julian about her God as mother and Jesus as mother and the Church as mother. I stopped at that moment, just wanted to be in gratitude, praiseworthy to God and I knelt beside the bed, prostrating before the cross and looking at the cross, the painting then looking at my own face on the mirror. With awe, wonder and full of gratitude I expressed and experienced that moment as an “aha moment.” With my whole being, mind-body-spirit I could feel the peace of God, really a peace that I could experience today as God’s grace.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
This morning I woke up at 7 p.m. I could sleep at the Cenacle Retreat House peacefully. Last night I went to bed at 00.30 a.m. After taking shower, I prayed personally at my room, the morning prayer in the breviary book, then had breakfast. While I was waiting for Father Victor coming, I was reading a little book of Julian of Norwich. At 9.15 a.m. Father Victor came to give me some input about the Eucharist. He gave me his research material about the Eucharist in the pastoral approach. There are 10 single papers about the Eucharist that he derived of the Church’s document, Ecclesia de Eucharistia. He pointed out some important points of this topic that are very important for me as a candidate of deacon then a priest. In addition he gave me a paper about Jesus’ last days according to the Scripture, namely, the last two weeks before the Easter Sunday. We reflected on this material for almost 1.5 hours. For 15 minutes I was jus relax at my room and reflected what I have received this morning. At 11.15 a.m. I attended the Mass with the Cenacle Sisters. There were about 25 elderly Cenacle sisters at this Mass. At noon I had lunch at the private dining room. At room I read the iSaveriani of April 2006 edition. Once again I read my name was written on this Xaverian’s booklet that I was admitted to the final vows and deaconate ordination. I was feeling grateful again to this great news I ever have in my life. Then, I read the reflection of Father Rino Benzoni, the Superior General. One thing that impressed me is about ‘humility’ he points out. The humility he wrote is in regards of Saint Francis Xavier’s example. It’s not so much about the external humility but more important is the humility as an inner theological virtue. It somehow resonates to one point that Father Victor explained this morning, namely, we as Christians should put our center on Jesus, not on ourselves and we try to be humble in following him especially as a priest one should expresses the virtue of humility in presenting the Eucharist. Nothing is new in my view but I am grateful that what I have received today is good spiritual food to remind me again and again that my spiritual life is based on the daily Eucharist that I should put as source of my wholly life. I remember the beginning of my initiation to be a Catholic in which I faithfully attended the morning Mass at 5.20 a.m. at my hometown parish. Nobody asked me to serve at the altar as an altar server but I offered myself to serve because normally nobody served at the morning Mass. Since then for almost two years I did willingly. On those days my vocation to be a priest developed as I saw the priests served at the Holy Mass. Even, I liked to wear the altar server’s dress. One day wearing the red long cassock of the altar server I asked my friend to take a picture of me. I was very proud to wear it and looking at myself it seems to me that someday I would be a ‘frater’ wearing a white cassock. It’s my dream at that time as a teenager. After I graduated of the high school, I was having a dream to enter a seminary even though my father did not agree at all. My favorite to become a priest at that time is about presiding a Eucharist and singing the Preface of the Eucharistic Prayer. It sounded to me a great occasion to be a priest in the midst of people of God. Since I was very crazy to become a priest, until I tapped my own voice in reading and singing the Eucharistic Prayer. I liked to listen to my own voice even though I do not know how to read and sing a music note. Another craziness of my dreaming of becoming a priest at that time is wearing priest’s dress such as chasuble and cassock. With my own creativity I made photocopies of my pictures then I cut the heads of the pictures and I put little white paper resembling chasuble and cassock. I think I still have this pictures that I left in Indonesia. I realize that all of this is attractiveness from outside that I initially perceived when I was young. It is slowly transformed in other level of motivations as I enter the Xaverians. It is still I like to wear the formal things as a priest. No wonder favorably I took the presiding class with full of enthusiasm especially when I had to practice the Mass and the Infant Baptism. This initial idealism that triggered me in the beginning is still embedded in my life even though it’s not merely the motivation. It grows in some other levels such as commitment, vocation, spirituality, ministry and partnership. I know that becoming a priest is not only to be proud of presiding the Eucharist wearing great ceremonial dresses, but moreover I have to be Eucharist in the midst of God’s people whom I serve. My status as an ordained minister is nothing if I do not bear daily life with them. It’s true that the beginning of my call is starting from the God’s people in which I was part of them. In the small basic community Catholic Church in my neighborhood I was involved myself with rosary prayer, pilgrimage, youth group, serving at the Mass, and social charity such as Vincent de Paul Society and Legion of Mary as well as the youth Charismatic group. All of this is initial formation I had after I was baptized and for two years I was actively participating on various activities. Thanks God that those gave me modal to continue my vocation after working for three years in Jakarta. When I went back home for vacation, I like to trace again my original places and activities by visiting schools I was going from the kindergarten to high school as well as coming to daily Mass either morning or evening at my hometown parish. I like to share and introduce myself to the pastor and people at the church. One Sunday morning at the church I shared at the Mass my vocation call to be a Xaverian. Some people know about me through my father. They were amazed to see me and compared to my father who is not a Catholic. I like also to visit some families whom I have known or just know when I was coming home. It’s my pleasure to do mission animation at schools wearing my white cassock. I have a lot of pictures depicting my activities with children at the Catholic schools. I did in my hometown and Jakarta and other cities while I was waiting for my US visa. Until now I still remember what I had been giving to them. Basically, I am a sort of a quiet and shy person but after entering the Xaverian in which I have to deal with many people in various level and ages, I am trained to be confident and brave speaking in front of many people. Sometimes I wonder how I could do all of this. My family and my coworker and my manager where I worked knew that I am a quiet person. My quietness is inherited of my mother’s side but I believe that my father’s side contributes me an attitude of curiosity and eagerness to do things that are important. He has a strong will to make something happens. I am a product of characters both my father and my mother whom I identify myself and accept as I am now. This summer, I believe, when I am coming to Indonesia, I will go to those places to do similar things. Many of my friends and relatives as well as my Xaverian confreres know that I will go home this summer and they are looking forward to meet me in person. It’s another miracle that I would have as a Xaverian that after 3.5 years I have fulfilled what I have lived it out in my vocation life and coming home again as a fully member of the Xaverian and as an ordained minister (a deacon) plus having graduated of my M.Div study. My dreams are accomplished but I would not stop here. There are still other hopes and dreams ahead of me that I don’t know now. Let they are coming as the time coming approaching me. I like to enjoy here and now moment not so much thinking and projecting my future that I used to be and have. I wonder also to myself after coming to a new life in a new country, I prolifically like to write my experience in daily and weekly journal. Even in this time of retreat I am encouraged by my rector, Father Rocco, to write what is in my heart, reflection and mind as a spiritual journey toward final decision of my great days both perpetual vows and deaconate ordination. I think I like to share good news to others but sometimes I am hesitated to share bad news to others because those make me ashamed of.
I remember one message of my cousin who is a Franciscan sister in Indonesia. She told me that she experienced the witness of some religious and priests who remain stay at their vocation faithfully are those who are faithfully praying daily Eucharist, and other prayers. She said that some priests whom she knew left their vocation easily because they neglect this daily basic spiritual practice. It is in accord with what Father Victor emphasized today. My presiding professor, Father Fragomeni at CTU said that he teaches his students not to be a “robot” that presides the Mass and other prayers mechanically or mere routinely but with full of heart-mind-body one should preside the worships. I heard of some people at Saint Thomas of Aquinas Church in Philadelphia saying that one certain priest is wonderfully presiding a Mass. They meant that this priest solemnly praying words in the Eucharist full of attention and awareness, not rushing likes express bus. I can distinguish it with another priest who has different manner of presiding the Mass. Even I wonder what kind of spirituality of this priest who does not say daily Mass in the parish? I don’t want to judge him but only see critically what are the proper and wholesome manners being an ordained minister, particularly in a parish setting?
This afternoon after I was taking a nap restfully for two hours, I read some articles about Blessing as the topic of my paper that I think also contributes one point of view in this retreat, namely the blessing is part of ministerial service for ordained ministers. The Catholic Church as an institution claims the blessing is the faculty of clerics but after the Second Vatican Council some blessings can be practiced by lay people such as home blessing, blessing of parents to children, etc. How do I collaborate with lay ministers in the ministerial blessing and ministries? The partnership is a real issue in this topic. I know there are some committed both laymen and women who devote themselves to the Church’s ministries. Even some of them don’t want to be paid when they practice their ministry. Their serving is out of their full commitment and love that I consider as a good example. After the evening prayer and supper, I went outside to take a walk and little bit taking a breath after one day being inside of the retreat house. I walked to the red line station then came back to the retreat house. At 8 p.m. I was at my room reflecting of this day and typing this journal.
Palm Sunday, April 09, 2006
This morning I woke up little bit late, at 8 a.m. After taking shower and breakfast, I prayed at my room and at 10 a.m. I attended the Palm Sunday Mass at the chapel of the Cenacle’s sisters presided by Father Tom Nairn, OFM. I continued my meditation at the 5th floor chapel and at noon I had lunch. While waiting for Father Pascal, I read some spiritual books at my room. At 1.45 p.m. somebody knocked my door and told me that somebody wanted to meet me. He’s Father Pascal. He gave me some materials about religious life. For one hour and a quarter he gave me some understanding about this vocation life. He referred to the second reading of this Palm Sunday, namely, the “kenosis” of Jesus on the Philippians 2:6-11. Ideally, as religious we imitate Jesus in his way to empty ourselves, taking form of humble slave and obedient to the point of death, death on a cross. This basic fundamental attitude of religious life reminds me once again that I come to join the Xaverians not to make realization of my life, instead I should keep in mind that I surrender in God’s hands what I consider precious in my life such as my own will to arrange myself, my preference to choose somebody whom I love, my treasure I could keep for myself. All of this I give up in this way of life in order to be free and not bound to things I have given up. Practically, my life is not my life any longer. My life belongs to God, to the Church through my congregation, the Xaverians, whom I consider as my “mother.”
Father Pascal pointed out that as a religious I should review my initial calls, what have been bringing me to this vocation. Often times our initial motivations are not clear and pure but God works through those signs and along the journey we are purified by situations of our life dealing with ups and downs of our vocation. The fact that I am still in this way of vocation that means that God is still working in my life to be God’s servant in this special call. When I reflect on my journey in the past ten years, I can take a long breath that God works in many miracle ways in my understanding. God’s ways often times are not my ways. Being a person in the midst of certain number in a group is already a struggle for me. It’s like a natural selection in which I have been living out my journey. Some 15 young men lived together to see, seek and love God in this Xaverian vocation 10 years ago. Before three months one had to leave us without any reason. The end of the first year of the pre-novitiate we’re only 10 who were allowed to continue to the novitiate. I could go home with joy and asked my father to give me some amount of money to pay my religious dress, a white cassock, that cost at that time 50,000 rupiah (about US 5). Entering the year of ‘kairos’ of the novitiate, proudly I wore this cassock together with 9 other novices. Happy to become a novice, I walked day-to-day life expecting to be accepted my application to the first profession. Less than 5 months two of my classmates left us, so we’re only 8. This number of 8 novices, finally, made the first profession on June 21, 1996. We’re ready to move to a new house, the philosophy house in which I spent for four years. Many stories, struggles, nostalgic events, even romantic story that I privilege to have happened in this special time. Those are grace merely to me that I could stay with many younger and older confreres in the same roof. Togetherness as the same brother in Conforti’s family is worth to be remembered. All dimensions of life in my vocation were growing day-by-day embracing and practicing what we call dimensions of spirituality, community, ministry, study, and personality. Both little and big tasks as my responsibilities I could carry and practice in those years. These four years are really years of another “kairos” for me. The dynamic life of this vocation should continue when I had finished my 4-year studies. That time I was very glad to experience international theology that my older confreres had experienced. Every time I received their letters, I projected myself to be like them someday. Even though I preferred to do one year of pastoral practice before going to the international theology, my provincial and the formators sent me directly to the USA as my first choice. Wrestling with the difficulties to get my F-1 visa in the summer 2002 post September 11, that made me almost stranded without knowing when and where I was going to be, my patience was examined severely. Almost four months I had to wait for this and eventually God through support and prayer of many people answer my dream….I got my visa in the early of October 2002 while my colleague who supposed to come with me, he got it very late in the end of November 2002; he’s already in Parma, Italy. It’s a mystery one for me. Why only me who got the visa on the due time, why only me who finally got the USA while my other two confreres chose the same choices like me, why I had to endure this situation plus another ‘test’ in which I lost my I-20 in the general house of the Xaverians in Rome….and many other whys that I could not answer spontaneously. Once again God’s ways are not my ways, God’s plans are not my plans. I am just a servant who is doing God’s plans and wills. With the spirit of surrender to God’s will, I felt more relax to continue my journey.
Coming in the USA on November 12, 2002 is another miracle that I could have in my life’s journey. I had to catch up my English study in Franklin in which both of my Mexican classmates, namely, Chuy and Mario had been starting their studies for two and a half months. Living in our community of Franklin, is really a purification of my motivation to be a Xaverian. To be alone in the midst of “Spanish words” I heard everyday spoken by my colleagues, somehow, made me aside of them, feeling not to be part of them in the beginning, to be suspicious of their conversation. But, I never told them this feeling; I just remained quiet and silent. I compromised that it’s OK if they talked in their own language. I tried to enjoy my stay with other Xaverian confreres in Franklin even though in many little things I had to struggle because of my weaknesses and different perception I had that time. All of this led me to grow deeper in my own deep down spirituality that I shared to my new confreres/students who came after me. I was very happy to see my Indonesian confreres came to follow my steps in Franklin. I could share freely what I had been feeling and undergoing during 9 months living in Franklin. Both positive and negative experiences I shared so that they could learn what good and bad things I have. Thanks be to God, they are good students who were doing better than me and I’m glad that they were doing good jobs in many ways compared to my class.
Living in the first year of Chicago theology community, I got sick in the first few days; maybe because of transition of weather and environment. It’s normal I experienced as well when I came for the first time in Franklin. I struggled a lot in many different cases such as adapting myself in the community in which I was the only Indonesian and loosened spiritual life in the community that somehow influenced my perception toward others. The good thing is that I could do my Sunday’s ministry with Petrus at Saint Therese Church in Chinatown teaching the confirmation kids. Once again I was challenged by the children of the USA that I felt so different with Indonesian kids. Petrus is the one who gave me support and the one whom I liked to tell my stories. I felt that I was treated differently in my CTU’s studies particularly in credit transfer. I questioned this for almost a year and thanks be to God that the answer came in which I could transfer and continued to plan my studies. I was very concern to my studies and no wonder I could see that time that I could finish my M.Div studies in three years as I saw and learned the curriculum and comparing to other Indonesian students both Petrus and the SVD’s. Even though I had to pass this difficult moment, I thank God and I am still fortunate that in three years I could graduate of M.Div and I have privilege to study my MA in spirituality. It’s a great deal I have in this area. Above all, it seems that in the beginning I knew what I liked to do but I got stuck in many ways structurally and the crooked paths have led me to rethink again my enthusiasm and spirit to follow Jesus in the Xaverian’s family. I think there is no story to tell if everything run smoothly without difficulties. My conviction is that God works in unpredictable ways and no wonder I chose Romans 8:28 as my motto in the little card of my deaconate ordination, “We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” Another verse of the Bible I found when I had monthly retreat in December 2005 is from Ecclesiastes 5:3, “When you make a vow to God, delay not its fulfillment. For God has no pleasure in fools; fulfill what you have vowed.” This verse I chose to be my motto for my perpetual vows because I thought that what I have vowed since June 21, 1998, I could conclude after finishing my M.Div studies. Once again through the crooked ways I could achieve this destination. My ways are not always easy to ponder. That’s why I believe that God works for good not according to my standard but God’s standard. I try to make adjustment what God has planned for me. Behind of all of this, I like to thank to my formators who have accompanied and challenged me in their ways so that I could survive until now. Thanks also to all of my confreres who have given me support, trust, prayer and fraternal charity in daily living. My friends, families and confreres in Indonesia and many other places in the world also have given me strength in joy and difficult moments. I like to return what I have received until now. I pray to God that all of you are granted abundant blessing and special gifts that you all desire to have today and the future.
Father Pascal convinced me to be persevering in my ways, in the ways I have chosen in discipline ways. In the early stages of the final commitment, everything is wonderful, many people coming and supporting me. But, after some time I have to be responsible to my life especially when I become a priest; the autonomy is at my hand to arrange my life in accord to my superior. When I may fall down in temptation, I should stand up and not to be ashamed of to start again to ask God’s help through others. My vocation life is fragile like Saint Paul says, “We have this treasure in clay jars so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary poser belongs to God and does not come from us” (2 Corinthians 4:7). Virtues that I have in my personality are merely God’s grace that I have to ask continuously. He said that I am a gift for the Xaverians and for the community in Chicago. In return I could say as well that I have been given this wonderful family, the religious missionaries family in my life that I feel belong to and whom I affectionately consider as my mother. Still I remember in my first Christmas in the USA, in 2002 I wrote a reflection letter in Indonesian language then I translated to English. I used the metaphor of nativity where Jesus was just born. Similarly myself, I was just born in the new land, the USA, as I started my journey to learn many new things especially the language and culture. Now, this baby, that is I, has grown, three years and a half. Like a baby in this age, he/she has been walking, speaking, playing, developing senses to grasp the world, to learn of the outside, to imitate the parents in good and bad ways, so do I now have been imitating others, growing in many areas of life especially in vocation and its whole dimensions: spirituality, study, community, ministry and personality. In spite of these good dimensions, I am still a normal human being whose weaknesses and shortcomings in many ways. So, with humility I try to continue this wonderful grace of my vocation to be ready to learn and re-learn of others in new area wherever I am sent. Not to be perfect but to be faithful in God’s ways in imperfectness spirituality. “Ecce ego mitte me,” says Isaiah…so I want to answer God’s call once again. It’s me, O God, send me.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Having reflected the Good Shepherd (John 10:11-18) I remember yesterday’s conversation with Father Pascal about the Lord, Jesus who is acting as a good shepherd and at the same time also a lamb who is sacrificed for all of us. It refers to the Psalm 23. Jesus is really a good shepherd, who laid down his life for us, his sheep. Especially, entering this holy week, Jesus becomes the center of my reflection and meditation particularly my retreat during these days for my preparation to perpetual vows and deaconate ordination in May. My vocation to be a Catholic and a Xaverian is finding the primary source to Jesus as the master who called me in the beginning. God has given the vocation to me in the inception by writing down my call in my heart. My task is to discover this writing by asking others to find and try to read it clearly and truthfully. I need others to develop my searching for God to find my vocation and call. I have been helped by many other co-shepherds such as my formators, my family, my friends, my confreres, who lead me to the real meaning of my vocation. They have been nurturing me to be closer to the Good Shepherd, Jesus, whom I follow in this lifelong process of faith’s journey. I am convinced that during this special “kairos” time of my 6 days retreat, once again I am encouraged by many ups and downs memory of my life as of now. Once I seriously concerned on my vocation to be a Xaverian ten years ago, I walk my steps day-by-day with full of enthusiasm. Sometimes I fell down and wounded physically and mentally, but then my shepherds and the Good Shepherd lift me up and I could walk again recovering my steps through days and nights. I am grateful to all my shepherds in their ways have been laying down their merit and lives for me, for my vocations to be a missionary-religious-priest in the Xaverians family. In return I am called to be a shepherd for them and others whom I meet in daily basis. I am called to celebrate the definitive and memorable events of my life in this vocation through solemn Mass and celebration of my perpetual vows (May 6th) and deaconate ordination (May 14th). It is not a coincidence that the Gospel reading of May 6th is about the Good Shepherd and the Psalm song I choose is Shepherd me, O God. “Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life.”
To be a good shepherd to others especially to people of God whom I minister is my dream and it must be the same dream of many other ministers both lay and ordained. The image and example of a good pastor or priest in my upbringing is influenced by some priests who worked in my hometown parish. In serving daily morning Mass as an altar server, I came to know little bit about them. I was so impressed by one young priest who just came to our parish. Once he saw me in the sacristy in one morning, he directly asked me what my name is. It did not happen to me when I served in daily basis. No other priests did as he did to me. What a wonderful insight to be a good shepherd for me. To ask my name, simply, is already an approach and attention of a shepherd to a lamb. I like also to be like him, to be close to the little ones, the children and the poor. Close to the church, there is a school for mentally handicapped. Once in a while I came to visit this school with my group of Saint Vincent de Paul Society. In conversation with them, I came to realize that not many priests like to come to this place. The reasons are maybe this place is not a good place to be. Those who are living there are not appealing at all. But, I think this place is the place where the charity of the Catholic Church witnesses to the world. It requires humility of a good shepherd to come and enter to this place. Most of the children and people in this place like to receive our visit. They need love and attention of others such as a priest who works for this purpose. I am impressed by those who work charitably, devoting themselves becoming friends of these marginalized children of God. I saw sometimes these handicapped people came to the Mass with their caretaker or nurses. They are part of our church. In my ministry at David Darst Center, I could witness how the archdiocese of Chicago takes care of monthly Mass for the handicapped people. A couple of times I came to this Mass with other retreatans. Sometimes it was shocked me with the attitudes of those people but I believe in my faith that they are children of God who have right to be perceived as human beings and receive God’s word and the Eucharist. The image of good shepherd that Jesus examples is leading me to remember always that the ministry that I carry with me is not for my pleasure, not for those who know me and love me but moreover for those who are marginalized and do not know me and love me personally with their reasons and attitudes. How do I prepare myself to this reality? There are other sheep, says Jesus, that do not belong to this fold that he must lead and they will hear his voice, and there will be one flock, one shepherd. Jesus invites me to be a steward and shepherd of those whom I do not know and probably I do not expect to have as my church’s people. Like Conforti who put in his motto, “to be a shepherd of two flocks” namely his Xaverian seminarians and his diocesan ones, his missionaries and his diocesan priests in Parma, his people in Italy and his missionaries and people of China whom he longed to see and he visited eventually.
The image of a good shepherd is always in my mind that someday I would like to be. My vocation and call to be a priest was started in a Catholic group of my neighborhood. I liked to come to this meeting to accompany my grandmother in the prayer of rosary, prayer for a deceased person, prayer for many other occasions. I was attracted to the group who like to come together even though there are mostly elderly women and very few men and young people. I am glad that I could participate in the youth group that we had that time in this Catholic neighborhood in which I was elected as their leader for one year before I graduated of High School and left for Jakarta. My vocation is coming from this event and place. I would never forget these people and this place that I owe very much. I couldn’t imagine if I did not move to this place, most likely I would not be here, studying becoming a Xaverian priest. This environment drew me to this precious idea to become a priest. My image as a good shepherd is to be with people who are coming together in prayer and act of charity for building the Kingdom of God. I am impressed by a Xaverian priest who always does family visit wherever he works as a priest in a parish. It’s a good example to me to do so. I like very much to visit people, to meet them at their houses. When I went home for vacation, I tried to spent time to visit those whom I have known and those I just met and knew for the first time. Some of them are impressed by my activities visiting children at the schools. They never saw such a seminarian does the same thing like me. It is true that I like to visit schools especially my former schools in which I could share my experience and little bit nostalgic of my past.
This noon I had lunch and there were three other new women in the private dining room; the silent moment was still observed, as the rule requires it. The menu today is rice and Chinese food that made me glad. The fortune cookies I took saying, “You are heading for a land of sunshine.” Believe it or not, coincidence or providence, it’s a sign that my time is coming….someday I depart to Japan, the sunshine country for my mission as a Xaverian. I remember when I was in Franklin, I read a book that has this saying: “The me I see, the me I’ll be; if I can’t see it, I will not be it; until I believe it, I will never achieve it.” This leads me to be optimistic of my life and future not on my strength but with God’s grace that always accompanies and strengthens me in miracle and mysterious ways. It doesn’t mean that I couldn’t predict and dream of my future but God gives me imagination and intuition of the future. Sometimes I was amazed of myself: when I am thinking of someone, then this one comes to me after my intuition and mind speak. I believe that God’s spirit is with me all the time; but often times I am not aware of it; I tend to follow my gut and my law of pleasure than God’s voice through my intuition and heart. How do I train and respect of my heart voice? It’s true that on May 29 I leave for Indonesia through Narita airport in Japan; even stay overnight (20 hours) at Nikko Hotel. I don’t wait till next month, but actually today this morning and this noon, the sun shines so brightly and the weather is very nice, about 70’s degrees Fahrenheit. In projecting and thinking of the future, I enjoy today’s blessing I have with the sunshine in this 4th day of my retreat. I feel it’s so fast. What a marvelous coming events……..
If I am asked to identify my vocation story, I may choose the story of our Xaverian founder, the Blessed Guido Maria Conforti. Often times seeing the slide, CD and comic of Conforti, I came to realize that my vocation is pretty much the same like Conforti. Conforti’s father was against his will to be a priest. My father also was against my will to be a priest. But, afterward, Rinaldo, the father of Conforti was very proud to have Conforti as a priest. My father eventually is very happy and proud to have me, who is consistent to my call in the Xaverians. Every time I call him up, he always encourages me to continue my journey on this call. He likes to boast and tell his friends about me. “How come the father is a notoriously gambler but the son is becoming a priest?” What a contradiction? Actually not, I also gamble of my life. I put my life into God’s hands that means I am gambling in this life. I left all my past life and follow Jesus in this vocation. Isn’t it a gambling? Yes, a gambling for this sense it’s true and God is always the winner of my heart. God attracted me in the beginning through many events I had in my youth time. Not a girl or a good job that has conquered my heart but God has drawn me in this way. It’s silly often times I attended weddings of my friends when I was working, I always put myself in the right position to get the wedding’s bouquet as a sign that I would get a girl friend. Maybe I got 4 times but I never had one….and God has me. It’s a sense of humor of God that I ever have in my life. Why I always tried to be in the right position but God didn’t give me one, instead God wanted me to be like now….a celibate person who offer my whole life in this mysterious journey in kenosis as Jesus gave totally his life once for all. When I see and ponder my family especially my siblings and my nieces and nephews, who am I having this vocation of not married and not having my own nuclear family? Am I strange man? Yes, in one sense, but in God’s way, I am not weird. If I am not weird according to world’s view, I couldn’t stand faithfully in this call. It requires a ‘crazy’ man who is not bothered by the pleasure and promises of the world. I’m not of this world, but I am in this world, so that the world know that I live not only for this world but for God who creates and still creates and supports this world, because I’m from God who always continues to call me every time. God is my spouse that never let me die in loneliness and desperation. I’m glad to know and see my family and extended ones grow in their wisdom and understanding of their family’s values. They come to understand that the style of life I am living out right now is also a valuable life that one is worth to be in. Even some of them feel jealous to know that I have privilege to be like now, living in other countries, studying abroad, without thinking of economical burden of children, etc. Their comparisons maybe sound utilitarian but I could understand how difficult it is in this age to have family and responsible to raise their children. It doesn’t mean that I left this right to get married to avoid this burden of family life. My life is always unique to be pondered. Not always easy to be in my position as a religious. It’s true I don’t think of economical problem because my ‘mother’ Xaverians provides all for me the whole of my life. The struggle and burden I have maybe they do not know. For instance, to be away from my country and my people, to be alone when I feel loneliness, heavy responsibility of people of God whom I minister, style of life to be settled in a new place and time with confreres whom I never met and might be difficult for me to be friendly, maybe they never think of these. I don’t know what other else can happen in my future life as a religious and priest and missionary. It could be heavy, heavier or damned heaviest I may endure or also with God’s grace I am allowed to have joyous mystery I never think so far. Over all, everything will last sooner or later but only LOVE of God that is always exist, and to be my call to this LOVE. Only the vocation of love can one stand in this world. The love that never loses strength and enthusiasm. The love that never thinks what is going to be to do this act of love. Yes, the love that Jesus has shown to me in this Lenten Season and this Holy Week. I believe that I am a product of love and a product of many people’s love that reminds me to do likewise: to give, to share without thinking what I could get in return because love is never ends. It is like a circle and cycle; when I give love, someday, someway, and somewhere I would receive it again through God or others without thinking of it.
This reflection about LOVE draws me to the next reflection on the Gospel’ s reading for my deaconate ordination, the fifth Sunday of Easter, John 15:1-8 about Jesus as the true vine. The verse 5 is always impressed me, “Without me, you can do nothing.” The source of my vocation call is Jesus. Without him, I am nothing and I can’t do further more. “Through him, with him, in him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, Almighty Father, forever and ever.” This Trinity reminds me the trinity of Julian of Norwich that she paralleled with power (the Father), wisdom (the Son), and goodness (the Holy Spirit). The dynamic life of the Trinity comes up in the Love that God creates to every heart of human beings and all creatures in this cosmos. It’s a mystery of Christian understanding of God that somehow leads me to be silent in front of this Mystery because I couldn’t figure it out what really it means the Trinity. God is always a mystery, unsurpassable and beyond my capacity. How do we claim that we know God? We only know God in little ways. Still we do not know God. The fact that we claim knowing God is through the revelation of Jesus Christ and the Scripture. Even without that my understanding of God may develop through my senses toward the world surrounding me. Through nature and human capacity, I try to know the Ultimate One that overcomes me. There is a power that I couldn’t sense but it’s there. It’s a spirit that can’t be measured. That’s why the traditional religions used things of this world to project this power. It could be a mountain, a stone, a tree, a river, a sun, or maybe a human being or another creature. Our understanding as a Christian claim that Jesus Christ is the one who is coming from God and we worship him as our Lord, as the only Son of God. This is also narrow only in our religious belief. Many other people still think many other ways. How do we perceive them? Do they make mistake? Should I ask them to know my GOD? Realizing that my God is also God of all, I witness this through my life. As a missionary it is difficult to deal with those who have their own belief system. Moreover when they have older religion than the Christianity. It’s not using old method to baptize as many as one missionary could convert others. Instead our way of life in simple way in daily basis is word and seed that we plant and witness. Knowing the difficulties of the mission in Japan, the Xaverians have a basic evangelization in a parish unit with its kindergarten. It implies that spreading the Gospel to adult people is a heavy one, so we use the method of little one. In conversation with my classmate at CTU, a young Passionist priest, saying that the teachers of these kindergartens are not Catholics as well. The people of Japan believe on the values of Christianity that the schools try to give. The choice to be a Catholic is another business. They still keep their traditional belief and custom. The foreigner values are accepted to complement their shortcomings. It’s not necessarily for people of Japan to have a certain religion in their life. Even though I do not have experience yet to be in Japan, but I can imagine how difficult it is a life of a missionary in the midst of this kind of society and mentality. Even, we are challenged by their work oriented/ workaholic culture. If I am lazy as a person, most likely the Japanese people would not attracted to my offering. I have a privilege to have a correspondence through email with a Japanese woman whose a young little boy. I lost contact with her, unfortunately. Through her story, I could see how the Japanese people appreciate the values of family. They like to go to Catholic or Christian schools even though they are not Catholic or Christian. They still keep sending their children to go to those schools, because the quality of these schools is superb. It’s pretty much the same everywhere, especially in my country, Indonesia. But, in nowadays, many competitions on this area that becomes a business. Some corporation of education and other religion affiliation build new schools with their super quality of education. What’s going to be, I will witness on the due time.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
This morning Father Rocco came to meet me and I shared what I have been reflecting during these retreat days. He gave Gospel’s passages of John 14-17 for my further reflection. At 11 a.m. to noon I tried to read and reflected John 14-17 at the 5th floor chapel. After having lunch at 1 p.m. I went to the Cathedral church to attend the Chrism Mass at 2.30 p.m. I met Father Pascal and Suharno at this service. The church was filled by people and clergies. I tried to meet Bishop Gorman who will ordain me deacon next May but unfortunately I missed him, then I went back to the retreat house. In the supper at this retreat house, one retreatan, a Saint Joseph sister, who works at Vocation office at the Archdiocese of Chicago talked to me because she ever saw me at CTU. Her name is Sister Peter Mary who lives at Le Grange. She studies at CTU as well. At this dining room according to rule, we should be quiet, so during these days I just saw her but without talking. We talked to each other after the supper.
Having reflected on Gospel of John 14-17, I come up with this:
Jesus, the way - the truth - the life, Father, me, the world, Holy Spirit the Advocate, love, my words, my commandment.
As we know that Jesus is the missionary of the Father. He was sent to come to the world to save us. Jesus offered the way, the truth, the life he has from the Father. His Father must have been a great agent of missionary who gives totally the best for us, Jesus. In Jesus’ last moment, telling me always to remember Jesus’ words and commandment, that is LOVE. The Love that Jesus gives for me is enormous love that I couldn’t find anywhere. His love is love without conditions and he gave me an advocate, the Holy Spirit in order to keep Jesus’ words. With the help of this Holy Spirit and doing Jesus’ commandment, I would come to know the Father, the source of this tremendous love. There is a distraction to get this love and Jesus knows that the world is against his love and I am called to be careful to this enemy that could separate me to his teaching. Before Jesus left, he gave his last advice so that I could understand his command. Like one before leaves for other destination, he/she gave last words as a remembrance. The last words of a deceased loved one are memorable for those who are still alive on this earth. I could remember what my grandmother said to me before she passed away. Often times she asked me about a life after this life on the earth. She liked to be cremated when she died and her ashes she wanted to be spread over a certain ocean like her son-in-law. It seems to me that she is still alive here in my life and I remember her saying that if I want to remember her, just bring rose flowers and pour them on the river. It’s exactly what I do when I come to my hometown: the first and the last day, I always go to my mother’s tomb and do what my grandmother asked me, namely, send the rose flowers to the river nearby my mother’s tomb, in the middle of a bridge. She is not alive physically any longer with me on this planet but her words and her spirit are still in my mind. I still remember what she had been saying to me and I try my best to keep her words. Not only her words but also her special characters and examples are really superb for me, such as her kindly attention to her grandchildren and other extended family. She liked to visit and talked about them. It is inherited to me as a person. I do as she did, visit and keep in touch with my extended family that often times they do no do the same thing in return. The symbol of unity that my grandmother showed is giving me an inspiration to live out my vocation as a priest and missionary. I should not wait for others to see me but I should make the first initiative. It’s sometimes difficult because of my basic attitude of quietness and shyness. But, because of the example of my grandmother that I always remember, it urges me to be confident to reach out others in spite of my weaknesses. This image leads me to understand what Jesus left for me. He left the Holy Spirit that helps me to remember his teaching of LOVE. I never met Jesus face to face like I met my grandmother, so how do I experience of meeting with Jesus? It’s true I do not see Jesus physically but I could know Jesus through the Church, the Gospel and the work of the Holy Spirit. I met Jesus in the spirit of prayer because I do not know how to pray but the Holy Spirit helps me to make it, to connect with Jesus. Jesus is a person whom I respect as my friend, my Lord, my brother, my example, my shepherd, my mother even my grandmother. How do I connect with him so that I come to know the Father? To meditate on Jesus’ life is one way to know Jesus better. His mystery of salvation: birth, living in a family, passion, suffering, death, rising and resurrection. My life is also…incarnation, living in a span of years, ups and downs, that someday I would die and with my faith I put my hope to Jesus’ rising and resurrection. In my baptism I am saved to Jesus’ promise for eternal life. My life is not only here on the earth but there is another life, a continuation of life here that I would see after I die. Would I see my mother, my grandmothers, and other relatives and family? I will see someday…O Jesus transform me to your love, bring me to your words and commandments so that I am not myself any longer but you, Jesus who inspires my life to your love. Breath me, your spirit, your Holy Spirit to remember your way, truth and life toward your Father. Show me, Jesus your Father whom I like to dwell with you and your Father in the same home; a home with such a beautiful furniture and scenery plus facilities in a real estate of eternally heaven, the home I could feel unity and peace without any fear and worry of anything in the future because this home has eternal time and place. How wonderful, O God, to reach this point….but I do not come to this point yet, I still live in this kronos time and space. O yes, my mother and grandmothers have been living in your home perhaps…tell them that I love them. Ask them to pray for me as I continue my journey on this vocation to be your missionary and your servant. Let them know that I invite them to my celebrations of perpetual vows and deaconate ordination. I like to invite them as my honor but I don’t know their address. I know that you know their address, so I ask your favor, O my God and Jesus. I like they celebrate my parties with their presence. Their presence in the spirit I believe would support me on those days. O Jesus, if you know their phone numbers or email address, let me know, maybe they have one, so I could send the invitation with attachment, please open them with PDF file. Do they know? Do they have this program? If not, I believe in you, O Jesus that you have this program. Help them to open it, OK? Please, send me the RSVP so I can tell others to prepare places and food. O God, I send my invitation to my family who are still alive in this world. My father and my oldest sister but I think they would not come here. Their prayer and support is already their presence for me. But, I will call them by phone. It’s easier because they are still alive, far away in Indonesia. If my mother and my grandmothers ask you how do they get to my celebration, please let them go with you. I believe you have super express transportation to reach Franklin and Chinatown Chicago. Please, give them a ride with you. Thank you O Jesus who has been my friend and perhaps and my messenger and the driver of my mom and grandmas.
See you again, Jesus and take care.
My love for you and my mom and my grandmas.
In love-faith-hope. Denny.
My Ten Years’ Journey (1996-2006)
I changed my life, after working for three years in Jakarta…I enter the Xaverians
August 01, 1996…Pre-novitiate…in Bintaro-Jakarta…15 students…Nico Macina the Master of Pre-novitiate.
1997 – 1998 = The year of kairos, the year of Novitiate, Bruno Orru is the Master…
we’re 10…eventually,
June 21, 1998 the first vows of 8 students: Utomo, Denny, Made, Marsel, Dharmawan, Eman, Didik, and Jaya.
1998-2002 = study philosophy, ministry, fraternity, community, Angelo Geremia and Lupo.
This time is a memorable time and bit crisis: falling in love in a new millennium, the year of 2000, loosing my beloved bicycle but not losing my vocation…Taman Anggrek Mall, you know…
One evening in the Holy Hour…announcement of Father Vitus Rubianto…I am sent to Chicago to study theology with Utomo…Going to the US embassy in Jakarta: first time, I’m denied…for the second time, I had to wait until 2.5 months…Early October 2002…I got the visa…
November 1, 2002 on Friday night …. By myself I flew to Rome, Italy…I got lost my I-20 on the feast of Conforti, at night of November 5th, 2002 at the General House in Rome…Visiting the Xaverian mother house in Parma for two nights…
Finally, November 12, 2002 I landed in Chicago by KLM plane the same plane with Father Lino Sgarbossa.
November 18, 2002 I started at ESL Program at SHST, Hales Corners, Wisconsin…we had Andrea, Ruth, Father Paul…my confreres: Mario and Chuy…Fathers: Alfredo, Larry, Dominic, Victor Mosele.
Christmas Vacation 2002: with Father Larry, Mario and Chuy went to East Coast…New York City, Holliston, Wayne-NJ
Summer ESL program at SHST 2003….graduation, leaving for Chicago. Mario left.
September 2003: study theology at CTU Chicago, ministry at St. Therese Chinatown Chicago with Petrus. Fathers Rocco, Pascal and Victor.
Summer 2004: three summer courses at CTU then immersion at St. Thomas Aquinas Church, South Philadelphia…Los Angeles, CA Asian Pacific Seminar….vacation in New York City for ten days and Wayne, NJ.
2004-2005: taking both M.Div and MA in spirituality
Summer 2005: vacation of 7 days in Kissimmee, Florida…Walt Disney before CPE at Alexian Brothers for 12 weeks. Chuy, my classmate left the Xaverians.
2005-2006 = last academic year for my M.Div
February 21, 2006 = good news I have been admitted to perpetual vows and deaconate order by the General Direction in Rome.
May is the month of Mary, month of fulfillment of my journey at the Xaverians….Through Mary I got the call to come to the Xaverians, through Mary, I have been finding the treasure of this vocation, through Mary I could gain this dream of my young age, through Mary I become God’s servant, through Mary I rejoice with her in her Magnificat: my soul proclaims the goodness of the Lord for he has come to give me wonderful gifts…………………………………………………………………..
April 7–12, 2006 = at the Cenacle Retreat House at Fullerton, personal retreat
May 6, 2006 = at Franklin community, perpetual profession
May 14, 2006 = at Saint Therese Church Chinatown Chicago, deaconate ordination
May 18, 2006 = M.Div graduation
May 28, 2006 = confirmation of 6 confirmandi at Saint Therese Church Chinatown
May 29, 2006 = Memorial Day on Monday, Dharmawan and I leave for Indonesia for vacation till August 22, 2006.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
This morning I tried to reflect and summarize again what I have been during these retreat days. Then at 10.45 a.m. Father Rocco picked me up to return to Hyde Park.
Overall, it’s been restful experience to be at the retreat house and now I have to do and to be what I have planned so far. Only grace of God plus my cooperativeness those things are going to come true. I’m a servant of the Lord; let it be done according to God’s words.
In the morning I attended the morning class of Integrating Core (liturgy and spirituality). I did research at the CTU library and took 8 invitations of CTU graduation at 2 p.m. At home I typed the booklet of the Mass of my perpetual vows and deaconate ordination. At 7.30 p.m. to 9 p.m. we had community meeting talking about Xaverian spirituality in preparation of the Meeting of the Xaverians about spirituality in August 2006 in Italy. At night I typed some bibliography of my paper both the Beguines (Julian of Norwich) and the Biblical Spirituality (the Lord’s Prayer).
Personal Retreat on the preparation of my final vows and deaconate ordination
April 07-12 April 2006
Cenacle Retreat House
Fullerton, Chicago
Friday, April 07, 2006
This morning at our community house we celebrated the Mass in commemoration of the birthday of Saint Francis Xavier (500 years). On this day I start my personal retreat at Cenacle Retreat House at Fullerton, Chicago. At 10.30 a.m. Father Rocco took me to this place. Sister Mary, a Cenacle Sisters has been waiting for my coming as she asked me, “What is your first name?” I replied, “Denny.” She took me to the room number 202. It’s nice room to do this personal retreat. After I put my luggage and bag in the room, I met Father Rocco to receive my schedule and content of this retreat. After short briefing, he left. Still having 20 minutes I spent my time at the 5th floor chapel in which the Blessed Sacrament is posed against the wall. I tried to be quiet and settled my spirit, body and mind to enter this first day of my retreat and at the same time to be grateful of this opportunity of personal retreat during the Lenten Season, the special moment (kairos) with God. At noon I entered the chapel after the 11.15 a.m. Mass over and after sitting quietly in the back pew then Sister Mary came to take me to the private dining room. I had lunch quietly while there was another old woman at the dining room. Coming back to my room, I prayed the midday prayer of the breviary and read the life’s story of Saint Francis Xavier in a piece of paper given by Father Victor this morning Mass. Feeling little bit tired and sleepy then I took a nap.
At 3 p.m. I woke up and read some material of a British mystic woman named Julian of Norwich. For almost two hours I read some photocopies of this anchoress who lived around 1343-after 1433. Having read the short story of Saint Francis Xavier and Julian of Norwich, I have some reflections as follow:
Coincided with the 500th of Saint Francis Xavier’s birthday I enter the first day of my retreat for my final decision to be a Xaverian, a religious-missionary-priest. It is a good remark to remember in the future. The Xaverians and the Jesuits all over the world celebrate this year 2006 as the Jubilee year of Saint Francis Xavier, the patron of mission. I was struck to know on the page about Saint Francis Xavier prepared by Father Victor that during his 15 years of priestly life Saint Francis Xavier did not write any diary even though he wrote 125 letters. As I recall my reading on his I remember that he was a brilliant student in Paris who wanted to become a noble priest in his castle in Spain. After meeting Ignatius of Loyola he changed his destination to be a simple man who followed Jesus radically. The verse of the Scripture that made him up side down is Mark 8:36: “For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?” In my vocation to be a Catholic and a Xaverian I have my own particular story that brings me to be like now. After made a long discernment with the grace of God and the help of some Xaverian priests such as Father Nico Macina, Silvano Laurenzi and Bruno Orru, I came to the decision to enter the Xaverians as a pre-novice that started in August 1996 in Bintaro, Jakarta. To gain the decision to leave my job, my family, my comfort zone, my own will, my hobby, my idealism, I wrestled with my own voice deep in my heart that I supposed the voice of the Holy Spirit that geared me to this brave commitment. After the ordination of the first Indonesian Xaverian priest, Father Albertus Priyono in Mlati, Yogyakarta, Indonesia in October 1995 in which I took days off of my job to witness this special occasion, then I decided to be serious to enter the Xaverians in 1996, the year of the beatification of Conforti, the founder of the Xaverians. After familiar with the Xaverians through my visits once in a while at the novitiate both in Cempaka Putih and Bintaro and the philosophy house in Jakarta as well as the theology house in Yogyakarta, I felt that this missionary family is what I had dreamed and searched for. I think I was still very young to decide to enter the Xaverians, about 21 years old after having experienced for three years working in two different sites in Jakarta compared to my four other siblings when they got married. It’s been 10 years my joy and gratitude to be a member of the Xaverians that I always keep in mind that only God through Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit and many friends and relatives who support and strengthen me in this vocation journey. It is very true that one who renounces all to be Jesus’ follower will get a hundredfold here and now and everlasting life. Even in my recollection I have been receiving more and more through the generosity of many benefactors and friends, confreres and families who day-to-day enter my life. On these retreat days I believe some friends of mine such as Missionaries Claris Sisters whom I know pray for me as they replied my e-mail. One of them is Sister Ana Maria Amezcua, MC from Mexico who works in Indonesia. Still many other good friends in their daily prayer remember me as I commit myself to this wonderful journey. On this day I would like to remember them in the spirit of fraternal charity and friendship that may God grant them abundant grace and incessant love. If I compute what I have been receiving in these ten years, I could not return it with material and spiritual things I have now but I believe with my perseverance in my commitment as a Xaverian in day-to-day basis, I promise to devote myself wholly here on earth and everlasting life.
I tried to understand why FX did not write his experience on a diary. In his time everything was still in handwriting, so probably he did not have enough equipment to write and moreover he did not have ample time to write or maybe he did not want to be popular, or maybe he was not talented to write of his experience. Through his letter to Ignatius I can see his eagerness to share and tell his experience and asked others to join him in his missionary work. Compared to FX’s time, once again I have privilege life in which I live in this modern age with tremendous technology that the FX’s people never thought. Like now I have my own laptop to write down my reflection easily and comfortably. What a wonderful thing I have to consider this time. But, I should not stop on this gadgets, I should enter more deeply in my own spirituality that does not need this sort of writing, instead typing down my heart-mind-body with God’s Spirit. What for this all of my reflection I am able to write if I do not have deep relationship with God in this retreat time? In this good opportunity I would like to commit myself to listen to my heart where the Spirit of God speaks to me that I implement on my typing on this machine. God is present in this moment. God is accompanying me in this room through things surround me including this computer, Bible, lights, furniture, books and silent evening. Realizing this place, I remember my stay at a retreat house of Missionaries Claris Sister in Jakarta when I was working. Once in a while in the weekend I went to their convent to study about my vocation to priesthood. Instead Sister Ana Maria gave me lessons on Spanish. The place, food, room, hospitality, spiritual milieu are pretty the same like I have now in this retreat house. What makes difference is that at that time I felt tired after working for a week and traveling by bike to come to her convent/retreat house but here I am easily coming to this place by car, not working but studying on my theological studies at CTU that cost me tired not physically but mentally because I have to write my last three final papers of my MA studies in a month besides other assignment. So, my worry and concern are quite different. When I saw and pondered on a booklet of Missionaries Claris Sisters in which there was some houses and rooms in Italy, Mexico, Spain, etc. It looked nice to me and I asked myself: how and when do I feel to experience this foreign country. Now, I have this experience to be in the USA that this place is what I have dreamed that time. It’s a sort of accomplishment of my curiosity of my age that is answered by God. Truly all of this comes through grace that I do not deserve to have it.
Now, about Julian of Norwich. The words that she used in her writing are struck me. As a mystic, she listened to God’s loving message, “I may make all things well, and I can make all things well, and I can make all things well; and you will see yourself that every kind of thing will be made well.” It resonates to my situation now: I am worry about many things such as my papers, my celebration of perpetual vows and deaconate ordination, my opportunity to go for vacation to Indonesia and accompanying my friends from New York City and Philadelphia who will come to my deaconate ordination, my MA comprehensive exam, etc., etc….. I felt that I did not use my time properly to do those things but in this moment I am convinced that everything will be OK as Julian witnessed that only God can make everything fine. It does not mean that suffering and tragedy in this world will never happen again but we have to embrace “the marvelous mingling of both weal and woe” in Christ Jesus. This woe and weal are not simply we live in an alternation but both woe and weal we live completely. Both are exist simultaneously. Julian teaches that even though we never achieve “wellness” in this world, we all still “should be well” because God transforms nothingness into the fullness of joy. Her way is not a way of perfection but a way of imperfection. She asked that God granted her three things: 1) the grace of Jesus’ passion on a personal level, 2) suffering an illness so great that others consider herself actually dying, and 3) three spiritual “wounds”: the wounds of compassion, of contrition, and of willful longing for God. All those three were granted to her. Her extraordinary qualities are gracious manner, distinguished scholastic ability, understanding of human suffering, availability to others that her vows provided and inner compassion toward others because of her suffering experience of Jesus’ passion. I do not understand how can I ask to be granted harmful things in my life. What I ask to God is always good things. How do I appropriate the message and the examples of Julian in my life? I think of my suffering experience that is not necessarily happen in my life such as my experience in my family with my mother, father and siblings as well as other extended families. When I look back to these ups and downs experiences I come to realize that God is always present there in my life. I did not ask all of this happen but it had happened with God’s grace and permission. I believe also that my ten years living in the Xaverians has been giving me other ups and downs experience that God is present as well. As of now the negative experience I have in my life I do not consider as obstacles to be grateful incessantly that only God has power and strength over me; I am just a tool that God is willing to use it through my Xaverian family and others.
She wrote about Jesus as mother, God as mother, the Church as mother. If I can add, the Xaverians is my mother as well (Testament Letter of the Xaverians no.10: “…spirit of intense love for our religious family, which is like a mother to us and of complete respect for the members who constitute it.”) Her mystical experience of the crucified cross and her suffering both physically and mentally led her to the images of feminine God and Jesus. She understood that God is beyond human’s estimation and intellect. Jesus “Mother” nourishes us with Jesus’ breasts and lanced wound. Julian associated the Trinity with power (the Father), wisdom (the Son), and goodness (the Holy Spirit). All these three belong to each other in undivided Trinity. Being a motherless since nine years for me is not a good experience. Every time I saw my friends at school receiving motherly love of their mothers, I was feeling jealous and asking why God took my mother when I was still young. I felt emptiness in my life in having nobody to share emotionally and affectionately. Thanks God that my grandmother (my father side) replaced the role of my mother for eight years. When I was still kid once in a while in my dreams I saw my mother is still alive. I didn’t believe that she is still alive in this world…and this is true she is still living…but after I woke up it’s just a dream. Where there is shortness there is a need of replacement. What is the replacement of my mother? Probably, I could find in the figure of my oldest sister who is very close to me in taking care of me when I was still a kid. Through her I could learn many things in this life. When I met her she told many stories openly as well as myself toward her. The other replacement I have also through a mother in my Catholic neighborhood that for the first time said to me, “You’re worthy to become a priest, I would like to pray for you in a special way.” It was said after 6 months of my baptism in December 24, 1990, when I was only 16. I don’t know it’s a really my own will to be a priest that time or because of her inspirational motherly voice that entreated me to follow. As I always come back to this initial call of my story toward priesthood, I believe that God works in many ways that I never thought before. Through this simple mother who saw me on a pilgrimage with her and other parishioners then suddenly when she saw me again she said those words. Is God word coming through this lady? I did not stop on this voice but I reflected back what’s happened in my life before and the future. After wrestling with many considerations, finally, I claimed that this is my call from God to be a priest, no matter others say about me. Before I entered the Xaverians, often times when I heard of vocation to be a priest or some other congregation of religious life, my heart leapt up like the womb of Mary when she visits her cousin, Elizabeth. I wanted to be a priest, but I don’t know when and where. Many of my family knew that I someday would enter a seminary becoming a priest. My colleagues where I worked also knew it. One thing that made me to postpone is that my father at that time was still hard to accept my eagerness to be a priest. In his mind if I become a priest, he will lose his son. Fortunately, he changed his understanding and instead he always encourages me to continue faithfully my vocation. He is always proud of me and frequently tells his friends that even though he is like so (notoriously as a gambler) but his son is becoming a priest. What a marvelous and contradictive story. Before I went to the USA to study, every time when I came home, my father always asked me a same question, namely, “Do you still want to be a priest?” I always replied, “Yes, this is my choice, this is my life that I have chosen freely. He tried to convince me that if I did not want to continue to be a priest I could come back to my family/father and he would guarantee to pay my further study in a university if I liked. The same question is also uttered by my oldest sister as well as other extended family members. I did answer the same conviction that I replied to my father.
One day I was telling my story of my experience of falling in love with a girl when I was in the second year of philosophy in the Xaverians in Jakarta to a public high school students in my hometown. The following day my father invited me to eat out and asked me seriously, “Are you brokenhearted?” My analysis of his question is that one of the students who heard of my falling in love experience told my father directly or indirectly. I was just smile in answering his curiosity. It’s true that I felt what a normal young man feels when he falls in love. If I remember it again (I was about 26 years old) I was amazed with myself. How come that such a thing could happen in my life. I realized that it’s my life that I have to see honestly. I have a feeling that is very sensitive. I have a need to love and to be loved by others. With a brave heart and honest story, I told this experience to my Xaverians’ classmate in class sharing as well as to my formator and spiritual director. It’s a beautiful experience that I ever have in my life as a young man and after I came to the USA I told this story to her indirectly, namely, through her best friend whom I know. It’s a nostalgic memory of my young age that I still keep in my mind. What I have experienced in this romantic love should be applied in my love to God in Jesus Christ with my whole being and journey on this vocation. In the romantic love, there is a bodily reaction as well as heart feeling that I felt so great.
With a big heart I attended her wedding invitation both at the church and the reception in 2001 with one of my younger confreres and now she has a son. I always remember what my professors taught in the class, “If you are falling in love, you have to stand up, wake up, to be aware of then build up love; don’t stay on the ground in falling position.” Another one says, “To love and to be loved as a human person is giving the highest meaning in this life.”
Through this love experience I am called to love more people in my call and vocation of ministry in the Church through the Xaverians as my mother.
4. After waking up this afternoon and reading Julian of Norwich, I tried to be in a silent mood and I saw things in my room. There was a painting of face of a young woman against the wall of my bed and the other wall there is a cross of Jesus. It directly connects to my reading on Julian about her God as mother and Jesus as mother and the Church as mother. I stopped at that moment, just wanted to be in gratitude, praiseworthy to God and I knelt beside the bed, prostrating before the cross and looking at the cross, the painting then looking at my own face on the mirror. With awe, wonder and full of gratitude I expressed and experienced that moment as an “aha moment.” With my whole being, mind-body-spirit I could feel the peace of God, really a peace that I could experience today as God’s grace.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
This morning I woke up at 7 p.m. I could sleep at the Cenacle Retreat House peacefully. Last night I went to bed at 00.30 a.m. After taking shower, I prayed personally at my room, the morning prayer in the breviary book, then had breakfast. While I was waiting for Father Victor coming, I was reading a little book of Julian of Norwich. At 9.15 a.m. Father Victor came to give me some input about the Eucharist. He gave me his research material about the Eucharist in the pastoral approach. There are 10 single papers about the Eucharist that he derived of the Church’s document, Ecclesia de Eucharistia. He pointed out some important points of this topic that are very important for me as a candidate of deacon then a priest. In addition he gave me a paper about Jesus’ last days according to the Scripture, namely, the last two weeks before the Easter Sunday. We reflected on this material for almost 1.5 hours. For 15 minutes I was jus relax at my room and reflected what I have received this morning. At 11.15 a.m. I attended the Mass with the Cenacle Sisters. There were about 25 elderly Cenacle sisters at this Mass. At noon I had lunch at the private dining room. At room I read the iSaveriani of April 2006 edition. Once again I read my name was written on this Xaverian’s booklet that I was admitted to the final vows and deaconate ordination. I was feeling grateful again to this great news I ever have in my life. Then, I read the reflection of Father Rino Benzoni, the Superior General. One thing that impressed me is about ‘humility’ he points out. The humility he wrote is in regards of Saint Francis Xavier’s example. It’s not so much about the external humility but more important is the humility as an inner theological virtue. It somehow resonates to one point that Father Victor explained this morning, namely, we as Christians should put our center on Jesus, not on ourselves and we try to be humble in following him especially as a priest one should expresses the virtue of humility in presenting the Eucharist. Nothing is new in my view but I am grateful that what I have received today is good spiritual food to remind me again and again that my spiritual life is based on the daily Eucharist that I should put as source of my wholly life. I remember the beginning of my initiation to be a Catholic in which I faithfully attended the morning Mass at 5.20 a.m. at my hometown parish. Nobody asked me to serve at the altar as an altar server but I offered myself to serve because normally nobody served at the morning Mass. Since then for almost two years I did willingly. On those days my vocation to be a priest developed as I saw the priests served at the Holy Mass. Even, I liked to wear the altar server’s dress. One day wearing the red long cassock of the altar server I asked my friend to take a picture of me. I was very proud to wear it and looking at myself it seems to me that someday I would be a ‘frater’ wearing a white cassock. It’s my dream at that time as a teenager. After I graduated of the high school, I was having a dream to enter a seminary even though my father did not agree at all. My favorite to become a priest at that time is about presiding a Eucharist and singing the Preface of the Eucharistic Prayer. It sounded to me a great occasion to be a priest in the midst of people of God. Since I was very crazy to become a priest, until I tapped my own voice in reading and singing the Eucharistic Prayer. I liked to listen to my own voice even though I do not know how to read and sing a music note. Another craziness of my dreaming of becoming a priest at that time is wearing priest’s dress such as chasuble and cassock. With my own creativity I made photocopies of my pictures then I cut the heads of the pictures and I put little white paper resembling chasuble and cassock. I think I still have this pictures that I left in Indonesia. I realize that all of this is attractiveness from outside that I initially perceived when I was young. It is slowly transformed in other level of motivations as I enter the Xaverians. It is still I like to wear the formal things as a priest. No wonder favorably I took the presiding class with full of enthusiasm especially when I had to practice the Mass and the Infant Baptism. This initial idealism that triggered me in the beginning is still embedded in my life even though it’s not merely the motivation. It grows in some other levels such as commitment, vocation, spirituality, ministry and partnership. I know that becoming a priest is not only to be proud of presiding the Eucharist wearing great ceremonial dresses, but moreover I have to be Eucharist in the midst of God’s people whom I serve. My status as an ordained minister is nothing if I do not bear daily life with them. It’s true that the beginning of my call is starting from the God’s people in which I was part of them. In the small basic community Catholic Church in my neighborhood I was involved myself with rosary prayer, pilgrimage, youth group, serving at the Mass, and social charity such as Vincent de Paul Society and Legion of Mary as well as the youth Charismatic group. All of this is initial formation I had after I was baptized and for two years I was actively participating on various activities. Thanks God that those gave me modal to continue my vocation after working for three years in Jakarta. When I went back home for vacation, I like to trace again my original places and activities by visiting schools I was going from the kindergarten to high school as well as coming to daily Mass either morning or evening at my hometown parish. I like to share and introduce myself to the pastor and people at the church. One Sunday morning at the church I shared at the Mass my vocation call to be a Xaverian. Some people know about me through my father. They were amazed to see me and compared to my father who is not a Catholic. I like also to visit some families whom I have known or just know when I was coming home. It’s my pleasure to do mission animation at schools wearing my white cassock. I have a lot of pictures depicting my activities with children at the Catholic schools. I did in my hometown and Jakarta and other cities while I was waiting for my US visa. Until now I still remember what I had been giving to them. Basically, I am a sort of a quiet and shy person but after entering the Xaverian in which I have to deal with many people in various level and ages, I am trained to be confident and brave speaking in front of many people. Sometimes I wonder how I could do all of this. My family and my coworker and my manager where I worked knew that I am a quiet person. My quietness is inherited of my mother’s side but I believe that my father’s side contributes me an attitude of curiosity and eagerness to do things that are important. He has a strong will to make something happens. I am a product of characters both my father and my mother whom I identify myself and accept as I am now. This summer, I believe, when I am coming to Indonesia, I will go to those places to do similar things. Many of my friends and relatives as well as my Xaverian confreres know that I will go home this summer and they are looking forward to meet me in person. It’s another miracle that I would have as a Xaverian that after 3.5 years I have fulfilled what I have lived it out in my vocation life and coming home again as a fully member of the Xaverian and as an ordained minister (a deacon) plus having graduated of my M.Div study. My dreams are accomplished but I would not stop here. There are still other hopes and dreams ahead of me that I don’t know now. Let they are coming as the time coming approaching me. I like to enjoy here and now moment not so much thinking and projecting my future that I used to be and have. I wonder also to myself after coming to a new life in a new country, I prolifically like to write my experience in daily and weekly journal. Even in this time of retreat I am encouraged by my rector, Father Rocco, to write what is in my heart, reflection and mind as a spiritual journey toward final decision of my great days both perpetual vows and deaconate ordination. I think I like to share good news to others but sometimes I am hesitated to share bad news to others because those make me ashamed of.
I remember one message of my cousin who is a Franciscan sister in Indonesia. She told me that she experienced the witness of some religious and priests who remain stay at their vocation faithfully are those who are faithfully praying daily Eucharist, and other prayers. She said that some priests whom she knew left their vocation easily because they neglect this daily basic spiritual practice. It is in accord with what Father Victor emphasized today. My presiding professor, Father Fragomeni at CTU said that he teaches his students not to be a “robot” that presides the Mass and other prayers mechanically or mere routinely but with full of heart-mind-body one should preside the worships. I heard of some people at Saint Thomas of Aquinas Church in Philadelphia saying that one certain priest is wonderfully presiding a Mass. They meant that this priest solemnly praying words in the Eucharist full of attention and awareness, not rushing likes express bus. I can distinguish it with another priest who has different manner of presiding the Mass. Even I wonder what kind of spirituality of this priest who does not say daily Mass in the parish? I don’t want to judge him but only see critically what are the proper and wholesome manners being an ordained minister, particularly in a parish setting?
This afternoon after I was taking a nap restfully for two hours, I read some articles about Blessing as the topic of my paper that I think also contributes one point of view in this retreat, namely the blessing is part of ministerial service for ordained ministers. The Catholic Church as an institution claims the blessing is the faculty of clerics but after the Second Vatican Council some blessings can be practiced by lay people such as home blessing, blessing of parents to children, etc. How do I collaborate with lay ministers in the ministerial blessing and ministries? The partnership is a real issue in this topic. I know there are some committed both laymen and women who devote themselves to the Church’s ministries. Even some of them don’t want to be paid when they practice their ministry. Their serving is out of their full commitment and love that I consider as a good example. After the evening prayer and supper, I went outside to take a walk and little bit taking a breath after one day being inside of the retreat house. I walked to the red line station then came back to the retreat house. At 8 p.m. I was at my room reflecting of this day and typing this journal.
Palm Sunday, April 09, 2006
This morning I woke up little bit late, at 8 a.m. After taking shower and breakfast, I prayed at my room and at 10 a.m. I attended the Palm Sunday Mass at the chapel of the Cenacle’s sisters presided by Father Tom Nairn, OFM. I continued my meditation at the 5th floor chapel and at noon I had lunch. While waiting for Father Pascal, I read some spiritual books at my room. At 1.45 p.m. somebody knocked my door and told me that somebody wanted to meet me. He’s Father Pascal. He gave me some materials about religious life. For one hour and a quarter he gave me some understanding about this vocation life. He referred to the second reading of this Palm Sunday, namely, the “kenosis” of Jesus on the Philippians 2:6-11. Ideally, as religious we imitate Jesus in his way to empty ourselves, taking form of humble slave and obedient to the point of death, death on a cross. This basic fundamental attitude of religious life reminds me once again that I come to join the Xaverians not to make realization of my life, instead I should keep in mind that I surrender in God’s hands what I consider precious in my life such as my own will to arrange myself, my preference to choose somebody whom I love, my treasure I could keep for myself. All of this I give up in this way of life in order to be free and not bound to things I have given up. Practically, my life is not my life any longer. My life belongs to God, to the Church through my congregation, the Xaverians, whom I consider as my “mother.”
Father Pascal pointed out that as a religious I should review my initial calls, what have been bringing me to this vocation. Often times our initial motivations are not clear and pure but God works through those signs and along the journey we are purified by situations of our life dealing with ups and downs of our vocation. The fact that I am still in this way of vocation that means that God is still working in my life to be God’s servant in this special call. When I reflect on my journey in the past ten years, I can take a long breath that God works in many miracle ways in my understanding. God’s ways often times are not my ways. Being a person in the midst of certain number in a group is already a struggle for me. It’s like a natural selection in which I have been living out my journey. Some 15 young men lived together to see, seek and love God in this Xaverian vocation 10 years ago. Before three months one had to leave us without any reason. The end of the first year of the pre-novitiate we’re only 10 who were allowed to continue to the novitiate. I could go home with joy and asked my father to give me some amount of money to pay my religious dress, a white cassock, that cost at that time 50,000 rupiah (about US 5). Entering the year of ‘kairos’ of the novitiate, proudly I wore this cassock together with 9 other novices. Happy to become a novice, I walked day-to-day life expecting to be accepted my application to the first profession. Less than 5 months two of my classmates left us, so we’re only 8. This number of 8 novices, finally, made the first profession on June 21, 1996. We’re ready to move to a new house, the philosophy house in which I spent for four years. Many stories, struggles, nostalgic events, even romantic story that I privilege to have happened in this special time. Those are grace merely to me that I could stay with many younger and older confreres in the same roof. Togetherness as the same brother in Conforti’s family is worth to be remembered. All dimensions of life in my vocation were growing day-by-day embracing and practicing what we call dimensions of spirituality, community, ministry, study, and personality. Both little and big tasks as my responsibilities I could carry and practice in those years. These four years are really years of another “kairos” for me. The dynamic life of this vocation should continue when I had finished my 4-year studies. That time I was very glad to experience international theology that my older confreres had experienced. Every time I received their letters, I projected myself to be like them someday. Even though I preferred to do one year of pastoral practice before going to the international theology, my provincial and the formators sent me directly to the USA as my first choice. Wrestling with the difficulties to get my F-1 visa in the summer 2002 post September 11, that made me almost stranded without knowing when and where I was going to be, my patience was examined severely. Almost four months I had to wait for this and eventually God through support and prayer of many people answer my dream….I got my visa in the early of October 2002 while my colleague who supposed to come with me, he got it very late in the end of November 2002; he’s already in Parma, Italy. It’s a mystery one for me. Why only me who got the visa on the due time, why only me who finally got the USA while my other two confreres chose the same choices like me, why I had to endure this situation plus another ‘test’ in which I lost my I-20 in the general house of the Xaverians in Rome….and many other whys that I could not answer spontaneously. Once again God’s ways are not my ways, God’s plans are not my plans. I am just a servant who is doing God’s plans and wills. With the spirit of surrender to God’s will, I felt more relax to continue my journey.
Coming in the USA on November 12, 2002 is another miracle that I could have in my life’s journey. I had to catch up my English study in Franklin in which both of my Mexican classmates, namely, Chuy and Mario had been starting their studies for two and a half months. Living in our community of Franklin, is really a purification of my motivation to be a Xaverian. To be alone in the midst of “Spanish words” I heard everyday spoken by my colleagues, somehow, made me aside of them, feeling not to be part of them in the beginning, to be suspicious of their conversation. But, I never told them this feeling; I just remained quiet and silent. I compromised that it’s OK if they talked in their own language. I tried to enjoy my stay with other Xaverian confreres in Franklin even though in many little things I had to struggle because of my weaknesses and different perception I had that time. All of this led me to grow deeper in my own deep down spirituality that I shared to my new confreres/students who came after me. I was very happy to see my Indonesian confreres came to follow my steps in Franklin. I could share freely what I had been feeling and undergoing during 9 months living in Franklin. Both positive and negative experiences I shared so that they could learn what good and bad things I have. Thanks be to God, they are good students who were doing better than me and I’m glad that they were doing good jobs in many ways compared to my class.
Living in the first year of Chicago theology community, I got sick in the first few days; maybe because of transition of weather and environment. It’s normal I experienced as well when I came for the first time in Franklin. I struggled a lot in many different cases such as adapting myself in the community in which I was the only Indonesian and loosened spiritual life in the community that somehow influenced my perception toward others. The good thing is that I could do my Sunday’s ministry with Petrus at Saint Therese Church in Chinatown teaching the confirmation kids. Once again I was challenged by the children of the USA that I felt so different with Indonesian kids. Petrus is the one who gave me support and the one whom I liked to tell my stories. I felt that I was treated differently in my CTU’s studies particularly in credit transfer. I questioned this for almost a year and thanks be to God that the answer came in which I could transfer and continued to plan my studies. I was very concern to my studies and no wonder I could see that time that I could finish my M.Div studies in three years as I saw and learned the curriculum and comparing to other Indonesian students both Petrus and the SVD’s. Even though I had to pass this difficult moment, I thank God and I am still fortunate that in three years I could graduate of M.Div and I have privilege to study my MA in spirituality. It’s a great deal I have in this area. Above all, it seems that in the beginning I knew what I liked to do but I got stuck in many ways structurally and the crooked paths have led me to rethink again my enthusiasm and spirit to follow Jesus in the Xaverian’s family. I think there is no story to tell if everything run smoothly without difficulties. My conviction is that God works in unpredictable ways and no wonder I chose Romans 8:28 as my motto in the little card of my deaconate ordination, “We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” Another verse of the Bible I found when I had monthly retreat in December 2005 is from Ecclesiastes 5:3, “When you make a vow to God, delay not its fulfillment. For God has no pleasure in fools; fulfill what you have vowed.” This verse I chose to be my motto for my perpetual vows because I thought that what I have vowed since June 21, 1998, I could conclude after finishing my M.Div studies. Once again through the crooked ways I could achieve this destination. My ways are not always easy to ponder. That’s why I believe that God works for good not according to my standard but God’s standard. I try to make adjustment what God has planned for me. Behind of all of this, I like to thank to my formators who have accompanied and challenged me in their ways so that I could survive until now. Thanks also to all of my confreres who have given me support, trust, prayer and fraternal charity in daily living. My friends, families and confreres in Indonesia and many other places in the world also have given me strength in joy and difficult moments. I like to return what I have received until now. I pray to God that all of you are granted abundant blessing and special gifts that you all desire to have today and the future.
Father Pascal convinced me to be persevering in my ways, in the ways I have chosen in discipline ways. In the early stages of the final commitment, everything is wonderful, many people coming and supporting me. But, after some time I have to be responsible to my life especially when I become a priest; the autonomy is at my hand to arrange my life in accord to my superior. When I may fall down in temptation, I should stand up and not to be ashamed of to start again to ask God’s help through others. My vocation life is fragile like Saint Paul says, “We have this treasure in clay jars so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary poser belongs to God and does not come from us” (2 Corinthians 4:7). Virtues that I have in my personality are merely God’s grace that I have to ask continuously. He said that I am a gift for the Xaverians and for the community in Chicago. In return I could say as well that I have been given this wonderful family, the religious missionaries family in my life that I feel belong to and whom I affectionately consider as my mother. Still I remember in my first Christmas in the USA, in 2002 I wrote a reflection letter in Indonesian language then I translated to English. I used the metaphor of nativity where Jesus was just born. Similarly myself, I was just born in the new land, the USA, as I started my journey to learn many new things especially the language and culture. Now, this baby, that is I, has grown, three years and a half. Like a baby in this age, he/she has been walking, speaking, playing, developing senses to grasp the world, to learn of the outside, to imitate the parents in good and bad ways, so do I now have been imitating others, growing in many areas of life especially in vocation and its whole dimensions: spirituality, study, community, ministry and personality. In spite of these good dimensions, I am still a normal human being whose weaknesses and shortcomings in many ways. So, with humility I try to continue this wonderful grace of my vocation to be ready to learn and re-learn of others in new area wherever I am sent. Not to be perfect but to be faithful in God’s ways in imperfectness spirituality. “Ecce ego mitte me,” says Isaiah…so I want to answer God’s call once again. It’s me, O God, send me.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Having reflected the Good Shepherd (John 10:11-18) I remember yesterday’s conversation with Father Pascal about the Lord, Jesus who is acting as a good shepherd and at the same time also a lamb who is sacrificed for all of us. It refers to the Psalm 23. Jesus is really a good shepherd, who laid down his life for us, his sheep. Especially, entering this holy week, Jesus becomes the center of my reflection and meditation particularly my retreat during these days for my preparation to perpetual vows and deaconate ordination in May. My vocation to be a Catholic and a Xaverian is finding the primary source to Jesus as the master who called me in the beginning. God has given the vocation to me in the inception by writing down my call in my heart. My task is to discover this writing by asking others to find and try to read it clearly and truthfully. I need others to develop my searching for God to find my vocation and call. I have been helped by many other co-shepherds such as my formators, my family, my friends, my confreres, who lead me to the real meaning of my vocation. They have been nurturing me to be closer to the Good Shepherd, Jesus, whom I follow in this lifelong process of faith’s journey. I am convinced that during this special “kairos” time of my 6 days retreat, once again I am encouraged by many ups and downs memory of my life as of now. Once I seriously concerned on my vocation to be a Xaverian ten years ago, I walk my steps day-by-day with full of enthusiasm. Sometimes I fell down and wounded physically and mentally, but then my shepherds and the Good Shepherd lift me up and I could walk again recovering my steps through days and nights. I am grateful to all my shepherds in their ways have been laying down their merit and lives for me, for my vocations to be a missionary-religious-priest in the Xaverians family. In return I am called to be a shepherd for them and others whom I meet in daily basis. I am called to celebrate the definitive and memorable events of my life in this vocation through solemn Mass and celebration of my perpetual vows (May 6th) and deaconate ordination (May 14th). It is not a coincidence that the Gospel reading of May 6th is about the Good Shepherd and the Psalm song I choose is Shepherd me, O God. “Shepherd me, O God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears, from death into life.”
To be a good shepherd to others especially to people of God whom I minister is my dream and it must be the same dream of many other ministers both lay and ordained. The image and example of a good pastor or priest in my upbringing is influenced by some priests who worked in my hometown parish. In serving daily morning Mass as an altar server, I came to know little bit about them. I was so impressed by one young priest who just came to our parish. Once he saw me in the sacristy in one morning, he directly asked me what my name is. It did not happen to me when I served in daily basis. No other priests did as he did to me. What a wonderful insight to be a good shepherd for me. To ask my name, simply, is already an approach and attention of a shepherd to a lamb. I like also to be like him, to be close to the little ones, the children and the poor. Close to the church, there is a school for mentally handicapped. Once in a while I came to visit this school with my group of Saint Vincent de Paul Society. In conversation with them, I came to realize that not many priests like to come to this place. The reasons are maybe this place is not a good place to be. Those who are living there are not appealing at all. But, I think this place is the place where the charity of the Catholic Church witnesses to the world. It requires humility of a good shepherd to come and enter to this place. Most of the children and people in this place like to receive our visit. They need love and attention of others such as a priest who works for this purpose. I am impressed by those who work charitably, devoting themselves becoming friends of these marginalized children of God. I saw sometimes these handicapped people came to the Mass with their caretaker or nurses. They are part of our church. In my ministry at David Darst Center, I could witness how the archdiocese of Chicago takes care of monthly Mass for the handicapped people. A couple of times I came to this Mass with other retreatans. Sometimes it was shocked me with the attitudes of those people but I believe in my faith that they are children of God who have right to be perceived as human beings and receive God’s word and the Eucharist. The image of good shepherd that Jesus examples is leading me to remember always that the ministry that I carry with me is not for my pleasure, not for those who know me and love me but moreover for those who are marginalized and do not know me and love me personally with their reasons and attitudes. How do I prepare myself to this reality? There are other sheep, says Jesus, that do not belong to this fold that he must lead and they will hear his voice, and there will be one flock, one shepherd. Jesus invites me to be a steward and shepherd of those whom I do not know and probably I do not expect to have as my church’s people. Like Conforti who put in his motto, “to be a shepherd of two flocks” namely his Xaverian seminarians and his diocesan ones, his missionaries and his diocesan priests in Parma, his people in Italy and his missionaries and people of China whom he longed to see and he visited eventually.
The image of a good shepherd is always in my mind that someday I would like to be. My vocation and call to be a priest was started in a Catholic group of my neighborhood. I liked to come to this meeting to accompany my grandmother in the prayer of rosary, prayer for a deceased person, prayer for many other occasions. I was attracted to the group who like to come together even though there are mostly elderly women and very few men and young people. I am glad that I could participate in the youth group that we had that time in this Catholic neighborhood in which I was elected as their leader for one year before I graduated of High School and left for Jakarta. My vocation is coming from this event and place. I would never forget these people and this place that I owe very much. I couldn’t imagine if I did not move to this place, most likely I would not be here, studying becoming a Xaverian priest. This environment drew me to this precious idea to become a priest. My image as a good shepherd is to be with people who are coming together in prayer and act of charity for building the Kingdom of God. I am impressed by a Xaverian priest who always does family visit wherever he works as a priest in a parish. It’s a good example to me to do so. I like very much to visit people, to meet them at their houses. When I went home for vacation, I tried to spent time to visit those whom I have known and those I just met and knew for the first time. Some of them are impressed by my activities visiting children at the schools. They never saw such a seminarian does the same thing like me. It is true that I like to visit schools especially my former schools in which I could share my experience and little bit nostalgic of my past.
This noon I had lunch and there were three other new women in the private dining room; the silent moment was still observed, as the rule requires it. The menu today is rice and Chinese food that made me glad. The fortune cookies I took saying, “You are heading for a land of sunshine.” Believe it or not, coincidence or providence, it’s a sign that my time is coming….someday I depart to Japan, the sunshine country for my mission as a Xaverian. I remember when I was in Franklin, I read a book that has this saying: “The me I see, the me I’ll be; if I can’t see it, I will not be it; until I believe it, I will never achieve it.” This leads me to be optimistic of my life and future not on my strength but with God’s grace that always accompanies and strengthens me in miracle and mysterious ways. It doesn’t mean that I couldn’t predict and dream of my future but God gives me imagination and intuition of the future. Sometimes I was amazed of myself: when I am thinking of someone, then this one comes to me after my intuition and mind speak. I believe that God’s spirit is with me all the time; but often times I am not aware of it; I tend to follow my gut and my law of pleasure than God’s voice through my intuition and heart. How do I train and respect of my heart voice? It’s true that on May 29 I leave for Indonesia through Narita airport in Japan; even stay overnight (20 hours) at Nikko Hotel. I don’t wait till next month, but actually today this morning and this noon, the sun shines so brightly and the weather is very nice, about 70’s degrees Fahrenheit. In projecting and thinking of the future, I enjoy today’s blessing I have with the sunshine in this 4th day of my retreat. I feel it’s so fast. What a marvelous coming events……..
If I am asked to identify my vocation story, I may choose the story of our Xaverian founder, the Blessed Guido Maria Conforti. Often times seeing the slide, CD and comic of Conforti, I came to realize that my vocation is pretty much the same like Conforti. Conforti’s father was against his will to be a priest. My father also was against my will to be a priest. But, afterward, Rinaldo, the father of Conforti was very proud to have Conforti as a priest. My father eventually is very happy and proud to have me, who is consistent to my call in the Xaverians. Every time I call him up, he always encourages me to continue my journey on this call. He likes to boast and tell his friends about me. “How come the father is a notoriously gambler but the son is becoming a priest?” What a contradiction? Actually not, I also gamble of my life. I put my life into God’s hands that means I am gambling in this life. I left all my past life and follow Jesus in this vocation. Isn’t it a gambling? Yes, a gambling for this sense it’s true and God is always the winner of my heart. God attracted me in the beginning through many events I had in my youth time. Not a girl or a good job that has conquered my heart but God has drawn me in this way. It’s silly often times I attended weddings of my friends when I was working, I always put myself in the right position to get the wedding’s bouquet as a sign that I would get a girl friend. Maybe I got 4 times but I never had one….and God has me. It’s a sense of humor of God that I ever have in my life. Why I always tried to be in the right position but God didn’t give me one, instead God wanted me to be like now….a celibate person who offer my whole life in this mysterious journey in kenosis as Jesus gave totally his life once for all. When I see and ponder my family especially my siblings and my nieces and nephews, who am I having this vocation of not married and not having my own nuclear family? Am I strange man? Yes, in one sense, but in God’s way, I am not weird. If I am not weird according to world’s view, I couldn’t stand faithfully in this call. It requires a ‘crazy’ man who is not bothered by the pleasure and promises of the world. I’m not of this world, but I am in this world, so that the world know that I live not only for this world but for God who creates and still creates and supports this world, because I’m from God who always continues to call me every time. God is my spouse that never let me die in loneliness and desperation. I’m glad to know and see my family and extended ones grow in their wisdom and understanding of their family’s values. They come to understand that the style of life I am living out right now is also a valuable life that one is worth to be in. Even some of them feel jealous to know that I have privilege to be like now, living in other countries, studying abroad, without thinking of economical burden of children, etc. Their comparisons maybe sound utilitarian but I could understand how difficult it is in this age to have family and responsible to raise their children. It doesn’t mean that I left this right to get married to avoid this burden of family life. My life is always unique to be pondered. Not always easy to be in my position as a religious. It’s true I don’t think of economical problem because my ‘mother’ Xaverians provides all for me the whole of my life. The struggle and burden I have maybe they do not know. For instance, to be away from my country and my people, to be alone when I feel loneliness, heavy responsibility of people of God whom I minister, style of life to be settled in a new place and time with confreres whom I never met and might be difficult for me to be friendly, maybe they never think of these. I don’t know what other else can happen in my future life as a religious and priest and missionary. It could be heavy, heavier or damned heaviest I may endure or also with God’s grace I am allowed to have joyous mystery I never think so far. Over all, everything will last sooner or later but only LOVE of God that is always exist, and to be my call to this LOVE. Only the vocation of love can one stand in this world. The love that never loses strength and enthusiasm. The love that never thinks what is going to be to do this act of love. Yes, the love that Jesus has shown to me in this Lenten Season and this Holy Week. I believe that I am a product of love and a product of many people’s love that reminds me to do likewise: to give, to share without thinking what I could get in return because love is never ends. It is like a circle and cycle; when I give love, someday, someway, and somewhere I would receive it again through God or others without thinking of it.
This reflection about LOVE draws me to the next reflection on the Gospel’ s reading for my deaconate ordination, the fifth Sunday of Easter, John 15:1-8 about Jesus as the true vine. The verse 5 is always impressed me, “Without me, you can do nothing.” The source of my vocation call is Jesus. Without him, I am nothing and I can’t do further more. “Through him, with him, in him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is yours, Almighty Father, forever and ever.” This Trinity reminds me the trinity of Julian of Norwich that she paralleled with power (the Father), wisdom (the Son), and goodness (the Holy Spirit). The dynamic life of the Trinity comes up in the Love that God creates to every heart of human beings and all creatures in this cosmos. It’s a mystery of Christian understanding of God that somehow leads me to be silent in front of this Mystery because I couldn’t figure it out what really it means the Trinity. God is always a mystery, unsurpassable and beyond my capacity. How do we claim that we know God? We only know God in little ways. Still we do not know God. The fact that we claim knowing God is through the revelation of Jesus Christ and the Scripture. Even without that my understanding of God may develop through my senses toward the world surrounding me. Through nature and human capacity, I try to know the Ultimate One that overcomes me. There is a power that I couldn’t sense but it’s there. It’s a spirit that can’t be measured. That’s why the traditional religions used things of this world to project this power. It could be a mountain, a stone, a tree, a river, a sun, or maybe a human being or another creature. Our understanding as a Christian claim that Jesus Christ is the one who is coming from God and we worship him as our Lord, as the only Son of God. This is also narrow only in our religious belief. Many other people still think many other ways. How do we perceive them? Do they make mistake? Should I ask them to know my GOD? Realizing that my God is also God of all, I witness this through my life. As a missionary it is difficult to deal with those who have their own belief system. Moreover when they have older religion than the Christianity. It’s not using old method to baptize as many as one missionary could convert others. Instead our way of life in simple way in daily basis is word and seed that we plant and witness. Knowing the difficulties of the mission in Japan, the Xaverians have a basic evangelization in a parish unit with its kindergarten. It implies that spreading the Gospel to adult people is a heavy one, so we use the method of little one. In conversation with my classmate at CTU, a young Passionist priest, saying that the teachers of these kindergartens are not Catholics as well. The people of Japan believe on the values of Christianity that the schools try to give. The choice to be a Catholic is another business. They still keep their traditional belief and custom. The foreigner values are accepted to complement their shortcomings. It’s not necessarily for people of Japan to have a certain religion in their life. Even though I do not have experience yet to be in Japan, but I can imagine how difficult it is a life of a missionary in the midst of this kind of society and mentality. Even, we are challenged by their work oriented/ workaholic culture. If I am lazy as a person, most likely the Japanese people would not attracted to my offering. I have a privilege to have a correspondence through email with a Japanese woman whose a young little boy. I lost contact with her, unfortunately. Through her story, I could see how the Japanese people appreciate the values of family. They like to go to Catholic or Christian schools even though they are not Catholic or Christian. They still keep sending their children to go to those schools, because the quality of these schools is superb. It’s pretty much the same everywhere, especially in my country, Indonesia. But, in nowadays, many competitions on this area that becomes a business. Some corporation of education and other religion affiliation build new schools with their super quality of education. What’s going to be, I will witness on the due time.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
This morning Father Rocco came to meet me and I shared what I have been reflecting during these retreat days. He gave Gospel’s passages of John 14-17 for my further reflection. At 11 a.m. to noon I tried to read and reflected John 14-17 at the 5th floor chapel. After having lunch at 1 p.m. I went to the Cathedral church to attend the Chrism Mass at 2.30 p.m. I met Father Pascal and Suharno at this service. The church was filled by people and clergies. I tried to meet Bishop Gorman who will ordain me deacon next May but unfortunately I missed him, then I went back to the retreat house. In the supper at this retreat house, one retreatan, a Saint Joseph sister, who works at Vocation office at the Archdiocese of Chicago talked to me because she ever saw me at CTU. Her name is Sister Peter Mary who lives at Le Grange. She studies at CTU as well. At this dining room according to rule, we should be quiet, so during these days I just saw her but without talking. We talked to each other after the supper.
Having reflected on Gospel of John 14-17, I come up with this:
Jesus, the way - the truth - the life, Father, me, the world, Holy Spirit the Advocate, love, my words, my commandment.
As we know that Jesus is the missionary of the Father. He was sent to come to the world to save us. Jesus offered the way, the truth, the life he has from the Father. His Father must have been a great agent of missionary who gives totally the best for us, Jesus. In Jesus’ last moment, telling me always to remember Jesus’ words and commandment, that is LOVE. The Love that Jesus gives for me is enormous love that I couldn’t find anywhere. His love is love without conditions and he gave me an advocate, the Holy Spirit in order to keep Jesus’ words. With the help of this Holy Spirit and doing Jesus’ commandment, I would come to know the Father, the source of this tremendous love. There is a distraction to get this love and Jesus knows that the world is against his love and I am called to be careful to this enemy that could separate me to his teaching. Before Jesus left, he gave his last advice so that I could understand his command. Like one before leaves for other destination, he/she gave last words as a remembrance. The last words of a deceased loved one are memorable for those who are still alive on this earth. I could remember what my grandmother said to me before she passed away. Often times she asked me about a life after this life on the earth. She liked to be cremated when she died and her ashes she wanted to be spread over a certain ocean like her son-in-law. It seems to me that she is still alive here in my life and I remember her saying that if I want to remember her, just bring rose flowers and pour them on the river. It’s exactly what I do when I come to my hometown: the first and the last day, I always go to my mother’s tomb and do what my grandmother asked me, namely, send the rose flowers to the river nearby my mother’s tomb, in the middle of a bridge. She is not alive physically any longer with me on this planet but her words and her spirit are still in my mind. I still remember what she had been saying to me and I try my best to keep her words. Not only her words but also her special characters and examples are really superb for me, such as her kindly attention to her grandchildren and other extended family. She liked to visit and talked about them. It is inherited to me as a person. I do as she did, visit and keep in touch with my extended family that often times they do no do the same thing in return. The symbol of unity that my grandmother showed is giving me an inspiration to live out my vocation as a priest and missionary. I should not wait for others to see me but I should make the first initiative. It’s sometimes difficult because of my basic attitude of quietness and shyness. But, because of the example of my grandmother that I always remember, it urges me to be confident to reach out others in spite of my weaknesses. This image leads me to understand what Jesus left for me. He left the Holy Spirit that helps me to remember his teaching of LOVE. I never met Jesus face to face like I met my grandmother, so how do I experience of meeting with Jesus? It’s true I do not see Jesus physically but I could know Jesus through the Church, the Gospel and the work of the Holy Spirit. I met Jesus in the spirit of prayer because I do not know how to pray but the Holy Spirit helps me to make it, to connect with Jesus. Jesus is a person whom I respect as my friend, my Lord, my brother, my example, my shepherd, my mother even my grandmother. How do I connect with him so that I come to know the Father? To meditate on Jesus’ life is one way to know Jesus better. His mystery of salvation: birth, living in a family, passion, suffering, death, rising and resurrection. My life is also…incarnation, living in a span of years, ups and downs, that someday I would die and with my faith I put my hope to Jesus’ rising and resurrection. In my baptism I am saved to Jesus’ promise for eternal life. My life is not only here on the earth but there is another life, a continuation of life here that I would see after I die. Would I see my mother, my grandmothers, and other relatives and family? I will see someday…O Jesus transform me to your love, bring me to your words and commandments so that I am not myself any longer but you, Jesus who inspires my life to your love. Breath me, your spirit, your Holy Spirit to remember your way, truth and life toward your Father. Show me, Jesus your Father whom I like to dwell with you and your Father in the same home; a home with such a beautiful furniture and scenery plus facilities in a real estate of eternally heaven, the home I could feel unity and peace without any fear and worry of anything in the future because this home has eternal time and place. How wonderful, O God, to reach this point….but I do not come to this point yet, I still live in this kronos time and space. O yes, my mother and grandmothers have been living in your home perhaps…tell them that I love them. Ask them to pray for me as I continue my journey on this vocation to be your missionary and your servant. Let them know that I invite them to my celebrations of perpetual vows and deaconate ordination. I like to invite them as my honor but I don’t know their address. I know that you know their address, so I ask your favor, O my God and Jesus. I like they celebrate my parties with their presence. Their presence in the spirit I believe would support me on those days. O Jesus, if you know their phone numbers or email address, let me know, maybe they have one, so I could send the invitation with attachment, please open them with PDF file. Do they know? Do they have this program? If not, I believe in you, O Jesus that you have this program. Help them to open it, OK? Please, send me the RSVP so I can tell others to prepare places and food. O God, I send my invitation to my family who are still alive in this world. My father and my oldest sister but I think they would not come here. Their prayer and support is already their presence for me. But, I will call them by phone. It’s easier because they are still alive, far away in Indonesia. If my mother and my grandmothers ask you how do they get to my celebration, please let them go with you. I believe you have super express transportation to reach Franklin and Chinatown Chicago. Please, give them a ride with you. Thank you O Jesus who has been my friend and perhaps and my messenger and the driver of my mom and grandmas.
See you again, Jesus and take care.
My love for you and my mom and my grandmas.
In love-faith-hope. Denny.
My Ten Years’ Journey (1996-2006)
I changed my life, after working for three years in Jakarta…I enter the Xaverians
August 01, 1996…Pre-novitiate…in Bintaro-Jakarta…15 students…Nico Macina the Master of Pre-novitiate.
1997 – 1998 = The year of kairos, the year of Novitiate, Bruno Orru is the Master…
we’re 10…eventually,
June 21, 1998 the first vows of 8 students: Utomo, Denny, Made, Marsel, Dharmawan, Eman, Didik, and Jaya.
1998-2002 = study philosophy, ministry, fraternity, community, Angelo Geremia and Lupo.
This time is a memorable time and bit crisis: falling in love in a new millennium, the year of 2000, loosing my beloved bicycle but not losing my vocation…Taman Anggrek Mall, you know…
One evening in the Holy Hour…announcement of Father Vitus Rubianto…I am sent to Chicago to study theology with Utomo…Going to the US embassy in Jakarta: first time, I’m denied…for the second time, I had to wait until 2.5 months…Early October 2002…I got the visa…
November 1, 2002 on Friday night …. By myself I flew to Rome, Italy…I got lost my I-20 on the feast of Conforti, at night of November 5th, 2002 at the General House in Rome…Visiting the Xaverian mother house in Parma for two nights…
Finally, November 12, 2002 I landed in Chicago by KLM plane the same plane with Father Lino Sgarbossa.
November 18, 2002 I started at ESL Program at SHST, Hales Corners, Wisconsin…we had Andrea, Ruth, Father Paul…my confreres: Mario and Chuy…Fathers: Alfredo, Larry, Dominic, Victor Mosele.
Christmas Vacation 2002: with Father Larry, Mario and Chuy went to East Coast…New York City, Holliston, Wayne-NJ
Summer ESL program at SHST 2003….graduation, leaving for Chicago. Mario left.
September 2003: study theology at CTU Chicago, ministry at St. Therese Chinatown Chicago with Petrus. Fathers Rocco, Pascal and Victor.
Summer 2004: three summer courses at CTU then immersion at St. Thomas Aquinas Church, South Philadelphia…Los Angeles, CA Asian Pacific Seminar….vacation in New York City for ten days and Wayne, NJ.
2004-2005: taking both M.Div and MA in spirituality
Summer 2005: vacation of 7 days in Kissimmee, Florida…Walt Disney before CPE at Alexian Brothers for 12 weeks. Chuy, my classmate left the Xaverians.
2005-2006 = last academic year for my M.Div
February 21, 2006 = good news I have been admitted to perpetual vows and deaconate order by the General Direction in Rome.
May is the month of Mary, month of fulfillment of my journey at the Xaverians….Through Mary I got the call to come to the Xaverians, through Mary, I have been finding the treasure of this vocation, through Mary I could gain this dream of my young age, through Mary I become God’s servant, through Mary I rejoice with her in her Magnificat: my soul proclaims the goodness of the Lord for he has come to give me wonderful gifts…………………………………………………………………..
April 7–12, 2006 = at the Cenacle Retreat House at Fullerton, personal retreat
May 6, 2006 = at Franklin community, perpetual profession
May 14, 2006 = at Saint Therese Church Chinatown Chicago, deaconate ordination
May 18, 2006 = M.Div graduation
May 28, 2006 = confirmation of 6 confirmandi at Saint Therese Church Chinatown
May 29, 2006 = Memorial Day on Monday, Dharmawan and I leave for Indonesia for vacation till August 22, 2006.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
This morning I tried to reflect and summarize again what I have been during these retreat days. Then at 10.45 a.m. Father Rocco picked me up to return to Hyde Park.
Overall, it’s been restful experience to be at the retreat house and now I have to do and to be what I have planned so far. Only grace of God plus my cooperativeness those things are going to come true. I’m a servant of the Lord; let it be done according to God’s words.
